I fucking love Real Housewives Of New York. I don’t even know what else to say. Like let’s just end this recap right now and watch it again.
Sonja Morgan is headed to fashion week which entails all the disasters you’d imagine will occur when Sonja Morgan attempts to do anything. She’s got models wearing toaster oven boxes. Oh, wait she doesn’t have models! She’s got 65 interns running around making a runway out of printer paper. She’s got Home Depot flowers arranged by colors in plastic solo cups which will also double as cocktails becuase she soaked the flowers in Sonja Sangria. That’s right – she has a sangria collection too.
She’s got Collection 21 there, but Sonja means it’s collection 50+, for gals who don’t age, but kinda do. Meaning mentally they stay 21 forever. (That’s what Sonja loves about these 20-something boys — she may get older, but they just stay the same age.) It’s the whole Sonja Shit-show complete with fashion editors sitting on paper towel pallets and eating cocktail wienies she cooked backstage with a flatiron in a Carmen San Diego hat she turned into a roasting pan. Then when it’s time for everyone to say goodbye Sonja strolls into the industrial kitchen, changes into a sweat suit and shoos them all out the door. Seriously – did this fashion show take place in a hotel basement?
But let’s backup. First there is Tinsley Mortimer making her triumphant return to the runway. She took baby steps, baby steps, babysteps last season when she appeared in a puppy fashion show, but now she’s modeling clothes actually for humans courtesy of Project Runway alum Garo Sparo.
Every season Tinsley’s storyline is how she’s reclaiming her glory days as a NYC ‘It Girl’ and she’s finally back. Then Dale Mercer cries because finally her daughter is no longer a pariah of society. Except is Tinsley ever really gonna be back? Is Tinsley really ever again gonna be cruising the Met Gala? Is she gonna be walking in a big name designer A-List show? Is she gonna be gracing pictorials in Vogue? No. Tinsley is ‘back’ the way Atkins is back but renamed Keto.
Furthermore why does Tinsley need to be back? Why can’t Tinsley just be present? Like Leah McSweeney told her last week: Tinsley needs to let go of the past. She also needs to let go of her oppressive need to please Dale, which is directly connected to the hip bone, which is connected to the thigh bone, which is connected to a curly hair, which is connected to tears made of glitter and liquid courage, which is connected to Tinsley’s obsession with being ‘back.’
Speaking of, backstage at the fashion show Dale cries. Cause Tinsley is back. Then Tinsley cries, because the sequins on her dress remind her of her eggs, frozen in time and left in their most precious, innocent state.
All her Real Housewives Of New York co-stars women sit front row to watch Tinsley being back; working the runway like a 1990’s Supermodel. Afterwards they all congratulate her on being back, of course. I feel like Tinsley and Dale’s only shared activity is crying over Tinsley’s failures and how Dale is gonna help her get over them.
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Three days before the debut at NYFW, Sonja realized she didn’t have enough models. Her team is a bunch of unpaid interns she calls Pickles 1 – 7. After Sonja tries, unsuccessfully, to dress a pickle in a frilly frock, she realizes she better yell at somebody about procuring some real models, so she just calls NY Transit customer service and bellows that she needs international lifestyle jet-set looking models STAT. Sonja does all of this while sitting front row at Pamella Roland’s show where Ramona Singer got everyone seats.
Sonja literally spent the entire show staring at her phone over these giant blu-ray blockers she got on Amazon, but thought were bifocals. Sonja still wasn’t the rudest one though. That award, always and forever, goes to Ramona. Ramona has a lifetime achievement award in rudeness. It’s a category unto itself. The RaRudness Award goes to Ramona for her eternal commitment to renewal-ing the act of rudeness in any and all forms. Still Ramona never thinks she’s rude which makes her even more extra-special rude. Even after Ramona hijacks the designer backstage, moments before the show, and demands step-and-repeat photos with her; going so far as to kick other people out of the photos and having a legit photographer snap the shot with her iPhone, Ramona still has the gall to complain about other people’s behavior. Namely, the Tres Amazingas: Tinsley, Leah, and Sonja.
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Tinsley got her little triumph of returning to ‘back’ but now it’s time to reestablish the pecking order in which she is low woman on the Ramona Singer Totem Pole of Echelon. Ramona is furious because Tinsley didn’t clean her room when she left Ramona’s Hamptons house. She left soda cans everywhere and permanently stained the duvet with her late night pasta coma.
Now, I loathe to commend Luann de Lesseps on anything (especially after she invited herself to take advantage of a free hairstyle backstage at Pamella Roland, buy literally sitting down in the stylist’s chair and asking for a refresh as if he didn’t have current and present models to work on), but Ramona really needs some hostessing tips from Luann. Newsflash Ro-Ro-Rudeness: YOUR GUESTS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MAIDS. YOU INVITED THEM BECAUSE YOU ENJOY THEIR COMPANY.
Well, I gotta hand it to Lu – she knows how to get shit done!
Ramona is also irritated because Leah skipped Pamella’s show without giving a reason. As Ramona really stuck her non-surgically altered and tru-renewed neck out to get these tickets, she’s outraged that Leah isn’t more grateful. Like Leah should be grateful that she got to clean Ramona’s Hampton’s kitchen? It’s not everyday a tattooed person is trusted there!
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Obviously Ramona spends the entire fashion show lecturing Sonja on how her style is ugly, she’s disorganized and unprofessional, and that she’s blocking Ramona’s view by staring at her phone.
Then they all head to lunch where Ramona’s reign of rudeness continues. Ramona being rude and cockroaches are the only thing that will remain after a nuclear holocaust.
First Sonja has a huge meltdown because the women dare to question how she’s planning her fashion show. The poor waiter is just standing there, trying to take drink orders, and he has all these middle-aged ladies shrieking like teenage girls at a BTS concert. Except they’re screaming about how hard it is to have interns when all you really want is fuck boys. And models. Not necessarily together though. Sonja has now found actually functioning glasses, and decides to put those on to sit at the end of the table, hunched over her phone trying to order “International lifestyle models” on Amazon Prime.
Then Leah arrives, looking flustered and distraught. When Leah’s mom found out she’s no longer sober, she stopped talking to her. Ramona blames Leah for all this, because Leah informed her mom that she was drinking via text message. According to Ramona, who heard from her sister-daughter Avery, texts are not for communicating important and deep thoughts. They’re for scheduling dilemmas. Ramona doesn’t even use a text for that. However I bet if I stole her phone I’d find a cache of dick picks from all the guys she’s constantly stringing along. Ramona doesn’t even understand why Leah would need to confess to her mother about drinking. After all Leah is supposed to be an adult.
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Ramona may not be wrong with her proper protocol for sharing important news, but her delivery, as usual, stinks. Even Luann has more empathy. Is AA teaching Luann some important things? Even Sonja manages to look up at Leah’s distress. Tinsley totally gets it. Even though she’s middle-aged she’s still constantly seeking her mom’s approval. Like just before Tinsley’s ‘back’ moment she and Dale had a fight because Dale didn’t want her to wear her hair curly because it’s not really a ‘Tinz’ look. Except Tinsley wanted to wear the curls cause big hair goes with the voluminous dress, and even though Tinsley knows she doesn’t really need to get her hair OK’ayd by Dale, they go round round in circles like a too tight curl and… so she totally understands Leah feeling shamed by her mom who can’t accept that she’s an adult. Like hair independence is hard!
While all this is happening Ramona orders a giant plate of oysters for herself and refuses to share with the rest of the table. Cause rude. Dorinda Medley, who has just endured the exhausting task of trying to remove her brain with a butter knife over ‘Pony Tales – The Tinsley Mortimer Is a 4th Grader’ series, is starving and can’t believe Ramona’s behavior. At this point I don’t understand how Dorinda has surprise left in her for Ramona’s antics!
Dorinda is perpetually having John problems. He seems to think of a girlfriend as a part-time thing and they only really hang out at parties. Sometimes they don’t even know they’re going to run into each other at the same party, but Dorinda is fed up with his immaturity.
Leah’s mom isn’t the only person upset by her drinking. Her ex-Rob is also wary and warns her that she shouldn’t be going down this path again, but Leah is a grown woman who helms her own successful fashion company with a huge office in NYC and doesn’t need to be treated like a teenager. Who do they think she is? Sonja Morgan? We learn Leah was a pioneer in creating streetwear for women and that her company was here way before Fenty or anything similar. Really? I wonder why Leah isn’t showing at NYFW?
Finally we arrive at Sonja Morgan New York. Or I should say Sonja Morgan New York arrives at us. Sonja has supposedly sent all the ladies samples to wear at her show. Dorinda was given all sequins – very her. Ramona lied and told Sonja she was a size 2, then couldn’t zip the dress up but she probably wanted to wear David Meister anyway. Tinsley was given something utterly perfect, and short enough that she could have intimate relations without even taking her shoes off. And Leah was given… a sweat suit. With a Wear In The World Is Carmen San Diego fedora, and some enormous silver sunglasses that look like hubcaps.
I think the mix up happened because Luann is IN San Diego for cabaret and Sonja confused this for thinking Leah wanted to wear a cartoon hat. Leah even went through Sonja’s collection and picked out possible options that she’d wear, but nope – Sonja sent over a baggy gray sweatsuit. Leah is convinced Sonaj did this on purpose as revenge for her comments about Sonja being stuck in her Mrs. Morgan glory days, but Tinsley knows Sonja isn’t that calculating. Sonja probably literally did think it would be a good look for Leah. And maybe it would be but not to a fashion show where everyone is dressed in cocktail attire. Leah shoved all the SM attire in a plastic bag and plans to return it at the show.
Anyone who saw Sonja backstage, pre-show, would know she’s certainly not organized enough to organize a shade trap of that magnitude. Sonja can’t even get herself dressed and is literally chasing one little intern around for minutes arranging her about setting out name cards on the chairs.
When Leah shows Ramona and Dorinda what Sonja expected her to wear Ramona is shocked. That is the type of outfit one wears when they’re headed to the hospital for a true renewal, not to a high end fashion show. Of course Ramona is still wondering where the high end fashion show is, because Sonja didn’t design this collection she just slapped her name on it. Like Ramona is a scientific dermatologist fabricating skincare?
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Then the show starts. Out of nowhere models come strolling down this gap in between the folding chairs. No music, no lights – just extremely tall slim people in cocktail dresses. No baggy sweatsuit in sight! Bringing up the rear – as always – is Sexy J, looking serene and feeling very accomplished. Which is a good look for her.
Just after everyone congratulates her on having a business that actually exists, Leah shoves the plastic bag in Sonja’s face. Sonja is shocked. This very outfit was featured in Elle Magazine and is made of cashmere. To prove to Leah how luxe it is, Sonja starts putting it on right then and there. She even goes back into the kitchen, takes off her dress, and puts the entire outfit on, hat included, then explodes out through the swinging doors like a genie from a bottle.
Leah bursts out laughing. Even if Sonja was trying to make her look like an ass, you can’t stay mad at anyone who wants to make themselves look like an ass right there with you. I love Leah’s attitude. Also I bet Leah is wishing she had that sweatsuit for this quarantine!
TELL US – WAS SONJA BEING SHADY BY GIVING LEAH THAT OUTFIT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]