Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bi, Bi, Bye…

To quote the immortal N’Sync, whose reputation is sullied by an unfortunate association with Vanderpump Rules, “I know that I can’t take no more, It ain’t no lie, I want to see you out that door, Baby bye bye bye.” And yes, I have had enough!

More than enough of Bravo claiming to support human rights and equality, yet, at every turn employing people who are misogynistic, racist, bigoted, and homophobic. I’ve certainly had enough of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright. I’ve never cared about their love. Which seemed about as deep and stable as a damp cardboard box that Amazon left on your porch while you were crashing at your Tinder hookup’s place (basically Scheana Marie‘s version of marriage).

I’ve never had any interest in their greasy, fishy proposal. Or their Pinterest FAILED IT wedding planning. I can’t with Brittany’s increasingly amped up southern drawl and raspy cackle, or the way she douses herself in tequila like it really can kill off STDs (or kill off the lurking knowledge that her marriage to Jax is fake, and that he will always and forever cheat).

Jax is exactly the sort of man who would cheat with someone in Brittany’s bridal party. Just like Brittany is exactly the sort of woman who hooks-up with women to get attention, and believes getting married absolves her of her past. Brittany’s also the sort of woman so desperate to live a Disney delusion she will repeatedly degrade herself on national television. Yet we’re supposed to support this wedding as a beacon of love and American values? THIS?! THIS… GARBAGE? And it is literal garbage. It is the frosted pink lipstick found in the Big Lots clearance bin marked exp date: 2/20/87. And Brittany’s mother bought it. Because that’s how current and relevant her views are!

RELATED – Vanderpump Rules Recap: PRIDE and Glory

The irony is also not lost on me that everyone is stating that Brittany and Jax’s love cannot be questioned – certainly not 2 weeks before their wedding! We must accept it and embrace it. Yet it’s OK for their pastor to question same-sex relationships as amoral? Marriage is a right gay couples have fought long and hard for, only to have two self-righteous straight-ish people, with the combined intelligence of an old French fry dipped in moldy beer cheese, demand no one infringe upon THEIR right to have the wedding and marriage of their choosing!

Vanderpump Rules Ariana Madix

On the other end of the spectrum are Ariana Madix and Dayna Kathan. Honestly I think most people have experienced feelings of fluidity at one time or another, so it’s not that difficult to be empathetic to someone who has found a place of acceptance in deciding to publicly proclaim this. Well, unless, you’re Jax or Brittany or the pastor they want to marry them. And good for Ariana and Dayna. Good for them for showing that there is no one way to tango. Although I think no one should be tangoing in the backseat of a car in broad daylight while another person is driving. Safety first!

Having a wedding does not give anyone carte blanche tyranny to command total autocracy among your friend group. Even if deep in your heart you do believe you’re a princess. Beau Clark even notices that no one is allowed to mention that Jax cheated. Like it never happened. Even though his WEDDING SONG is about a relationship overcoming infidelity. Obviously Jax is too stupid to know this. Just like he’s too stupid to know that the internet is forever.

Now, look, if you want a homophobe to marry you, you probably shouldn’t do it on TV. Just my two cents. You do that shit in backwoods ‘Tacky-Tucky where the only thing filming you is meemaw’s iPhone and the church cinematographer who is blind in one eye, forgot to turn the audio on, and thinks Instagram is an instant graham cracker recipe.

RELATED – Jax Taylor Regrets Having Tom Sandoval In His Wedding; Says Tom Did “Some Below The Belt” Things This Season

Also what the fuck is up with Lala Kent? On the sacred day of Brittany’s shower Lala was laughing with Ariana about their hook-up and how inappropriate the pastor situation is, but is the first one going FULL HAM on Tom 1 for even daring to question Jax and Brittany’s feigned ignorance over their pastor’s views.

However the bigger question everyone needs to be asking themselves is how did this become all Tom 1‘s fault? And why is Tom 1 the ONLY person doing the right thing? Well, except for James Kennedy who is so problematic this episode it almost pains me to admit that he called it correctly when stating that hiring Lance Bass to officiate 2 weeks before the wedding was “overcompensating and too late.” James is an idiot savant, I’ll say that much.

So let’s break this alllll the way down and I’ll try not to spit on my computer every time I type the name “Jax.”

Vanderpump Rules Lisa Vanderpump

It is 2 weeks before the wedding which will unite two warring families and save Kentucky from a fate of obscurity and Mitch McConnell. Oh wait… If that occurred it didn’t involve Jax and Brittany! But their wedding is also happening in 2 weeks. And of course this is when Lisa Vanderpump learns that their pastor, the pastor from Brittany’s childhood church who is a close personal family friend, has been vocally outspoken that homosexuality is an abomination and gay marriage is the destruction of the American family.

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright pastor

Lisa’s revelation occurs the week after SUR celebrated PRIDE, where Jax and Brittany both participated as allies of the LGBTQ(+) community. Or at least pretended.

Lisa is outraged and decides that right away she will call Jax and Brittany to warn them that they must axe this man from their wedding so not to tarnish the affair. Except Jax and Brittany have known FOR MONTHS about their pastor’s views. They’ve been tagged in tweet after tweet after tweet showcasing his words, and Brittany was even questioned about it on WWHL, where she defended him as a good family man and defended herself as not knowing he held these views. Ariana wasn’t convinced of Brittany’s innocence then and she isn’t convinced now.

RELATED – Ariana Madix Says Jax Taylor Is A Bullsh*tter, A Liar, & A Propagandist And Tom Sandoval Is A Really, Sweet Awesome Friend That Cares About People”

Brittany and Jax allegedly talked to the pastor, who insisted he’d changed his stance and they accepted this. BULLLLSHIT. What actually happened was Jax and Brittany were like ‘Stop tweeting that shit! We really don’t care if you hate the homos, and it’s all cool cause we’re against those alternate lifestyles too. Except when we’re living in California where we have to act the part cause people don’t understand traditional Christian lifestyles in that heathen state.’ Basically say and believe whatever you want just keep it off social media, and let’s not acknowledge this until after the wedding in the hopes that it will blow over. The depended on their friends for complicity of deception, and everyone was complicit until Lisa got involved.

Lisa comes bounding into SUR, eager to tell Ariana that she just saved Brittany and Jax’s reputation from scandal, and Ariana blows up her spot by revealing that like EVERYONE HAS KNOWN – including Jax and Brittany – for months! So oops!

If LVP hadn’t intervened, Jax and Brittany would definitely be having this guy marry them on national television. And only after LVP intervened and convinced Lance Bass to officiate as a face-saving measure (pssst: nothing can save Brittany’s face with those botoxed brows!), did they consider changing the pastor, because what more definitively declares “WE ARE NOT HOMOPHOBIC” than having a very outspoken gay celebrity marry you?

Vanderpump Rules Brittany Cartwright Princess Shower

Anyway, everyone has to put their brains on ice to help throw Brittany’s princess-themed bridal shower. Stassi Schroeder even hired actual fake princesses to dress in Disney theme and get drunk with them. It’s like Cocktails with The Characters, instead of that goofy dinner Disney does for toddlers who believe Minnie Mouse is real. Brittany probably thought a princess waved a wand over beer cheese and blessed her with ever-flowing fountain of it, and also that if her enemies eat it they will be forever silenced. But princesses exist in another time period before there was social media … Today’s haters (REALISTS) cannot be vanished from the mythical kingdom of Brittany’s delusion.

Also screaming and crying over a group of out-of-work actresses in polyester Party City approximation of Disney Princess costumes like a literal 5 year old at Disney World is SO FUCKING WEIRD!

Brittany is ebullient because she’s ‘put a stop’ to all this homophobic nonsense and gotten away scott-free by announcing that LANCE BASS is now officiating her wedding. Brittany’s mother Sherri is not pleased. She is less pleased than a dry casserole at a church potluck, but she can’t act out in front of Lisa. Sherri has to pretend to be classy-country so instead she clarifies that Brittany’s father will be saying a prayer at the wedding.

Also at this party Kristen Doute approached Katie Maloney to compliment her, and Katie sneered at her. Literally. Kristen was forced to ask if they’re just pretending to have moved on from the Miami fight for the sake of Britt, and of course they are. Every single thing must be pushed aside until after King and Queen of Tacky make it down the Walmart Aisle to the gun rack covered in Velveeta Cheese and Funions that serves as their altar.

RELATED – Katie Maloney Says It Was “Poison” To Support Kristen Doute

Vanderpump Rules Raquel Leviss

Across town where James exists on an island of his own self-reproach, Raquel Leviss has narrowly saved herself from being fired from SUR after disappearing during her PRIDE shift to monitor James’ drinking. Raquel thinks she is saving James from himself, but in actuality she’s destroying herself in the process. I have loved James long and hard, I have fought for him and defended him, but watching him verbally and emotionally abuse Raquel by gaslighting her is sickening.

Raquel is finally gaining some autonomy and he is trying to undercut her at every turn. Raquel even gets invited to Peter Madrigal‘s birthday party. Of course Peter pulls a complete dick move by saying James is banned out of loyalty to Jax. When Raquel relays this to James, even though it’s clear that she has no plans to abandon him by going, James twists all her words around by arguing that he doesn’t control her, but if she goes to the party he’ll be mad. Then when Raquel says she doesn’t want to go, he insists she actually does, but doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. GIRL RUN. James is Jax Jr. (Minus the homophobia). So run FAST, lest you find yourself attending a party for yourself where princesses slurp liquified cheese through plastic penis straws.

Vanderpump Rules Dayna Kathan Max Boyens

Dayna and Max Boyens decide they like having sex with only each other and are now ‘exclusive’. This’ll definitely last… Dayna is so happy, most notably because she can rub this in Scheana’s face. Having something to embarrass Scheana with also endears Dayna to Stassi and Katie who are eager to hear of any situation where Scheana looks like a psycho loser with eggs on dry-ice. Is hating on Scheana really the solid foundation for a Girl Squad? Probably-definitely if you’re Stassi and Katie!

RELATED – Scheana Marie Says This Season Of Vanderpump Rules Was The Hardest For Her To Film

After the mesmerizing shower Brittany’s hopes are crushed by social media trolls mocking her princess infatuation. All this comes out at Peter’s party where she cries in the corner about instagram being mean. Waaaaaahhhh… it’s so upsetting to be questioned, judged, and feel ashamed. What about people who have been questioned, judged, and lived in shame over their sexuality? All because some homophobic self-righteous ASSHOLES think they have a direct communication with G-O-D. Listen Jesus accepted everyone. Well, I hope even he wouldn’t accept Jax.

Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval

Tom 1 chooses this unfortunate moment to ask Jax if he only fired the pastor because Lisa found out, and Jax FLIPS OUT. He announces that no one is talking about this because the topic is off-limits. Then Jax runs over to tell an already upset Brittany that Tom is trashing their wedding, so Brittany flips. Which means all the girls: Stassi, Lala, and Katie wholeheartedly support her in screaming that Tom is trying to destroy her wedding and happiness by making this pastor situation all about himself as a martyr. It is SHOCKING to me that Brittany and Jax are trying to make themselves the victims when they knew for months, but ignored it!! On purpose!

Vanderpump Rules Brittany Cartwright

Tom and Ariana are absolutely correct to question their motives and ethics. Yet instead of rallying behind Tom and supporting their friend bi friend, Ariana, everyone rushes to support the homophobic idiots and blames Tom for trying to ruin their happiness. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?!

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor

Ariana once again finds herself disgusted by the “hive mentality” of group think and wonders why she’s friends with people who will find any excuse to blame Tom 1 and ostracize her. Tom looked genuinely shocked as Brittany threatens him with bodily harm and screams at him. Brittany actually hoped Jax would punch him in the face!

Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute

As Jax is storming away Kristen comes chasing after him, and ever the one-track mind, immediately asks if the outrage is about Tom trying to invite James. Kristen, GIRL, MOVE ON.

RELATED – Katie Maloney Explains Why She Declared Kristen Doute Was “Cut” From The Group; Kristen Thinks Katie & Stassi Schroeder Used Her To Go After James Kennedy


[Photo Credits: Bravo]