Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht was all about coming for the weakest links. Poor little Parker McCown is just trying to be his bubbly self, but he really needs his mommy to hold his hand and tell him he’s OK. Since Mommy McCown’s not available Madison Stalker is filling in to hold Parker’s ego in a gentle embrace.
Yes, we’ve got another one of these Tanner Sterback-type baby boys this season, minus the lechery luckily. Also, instead of getting blackout wasted, Parker just sits in the corner and sulks.
Toga parties are supposed to turn any event into Animal House, but the most exciting thing that happens at this one is that Paget Berry, the first escapee of the Plath Family Cult, argues with Ciara Duggan about cleaning deck furniture. Wooooooow. Riveting. These two are so dull even their arguing isn’t exciting.
For all the barking and sniping Paget does at his girlfriend he is all sunshine and roses flirting with Georgia Grobler in their secret space: the laundry room. Georgia may have “guns of steel” as she jokes to Paget, but she certainly doesn’t have nerves of them. She is completely unable to organize even basic laundry, and expects Jenna MacGillivray to go through a super detailed training course and create a flow chart illustrating how to sort various clothes and what needs to happen with each. Of course, Georgia, echoing Simone Mashile from regular Below Deck, just wants to be trained on service.
Girls – here is the thing: if you can’t handle managing inanimate objects in an orderly and cohesive fashion, you will not be capable of getting 5-star dinners out without dumping the soup down your shirt. A stain Georgia certainly won’t be able to remove! Georgia expects to be coddled by Jenna, then left alone to her own devices with the guests?
Unfortunately, Jenna doesn’t feel it’s her duty to even go into the laundry room, except when trying to locate Adam Glick‘s missing chef coat. When Jenna sees the state of disarray and, then finds a women’s uniform on Byron Hissey‘s bed, she snaps that Georgia needs to get her shit together in here. In response, Georgia cries. Jenna is not impressed and complains to Adam that the girls need to toughen up and also stop expecting her to mommy them. I am inclined to agree. It’s fucking laundry! NOT rocket science. The clothes are labeled – it’s pretty self-explanatory. Not being able to handle ironing, though… Well, that I completely understand.
Georgia sniffles to Madison that Jenna is mean. They lay in bed cuddling together, crying, and complaining about how Jenna is such a terrible boss who didn’t even know which was the dryer and which was the washer. Madison is used to chief stews who hold her hand and pitch in, but Jenna just barks orders and expects her to fetch on demand.
At this point, it’s hard for me to tell whose more in the wrong: Jenna’s leadership style is certainly Velda Plendor from Troop Beverly Hills, but isn’t the role of the stews to clean and tidy up leaving the chief stew to do most of the guest wrangling? Jenna is definitely doing her share in the galley, I’ll say that much! And we all know that keeping the chef happy is a verrrry, verrrry important (and difficult) job!
Later when Jenna tries to apologize to Georgia and gives her a hug, Georgia brushes her aside because she’s embarrassed that her emotions got the best of her. This leaves Jenna even more irritated and she, again, complains to Adam.
Before the fussy eater guests leave, Captain Glenn Shephard decides to release the sails to really give them a taste of living on the high seas. Unfortunately, the guests are more concerned with getting their last breakfast, so despite his pleas to postpone, Adam and the interior crew are forced to serve a meal while the boat is pitching back and forth, back and forth, as it approaches the dock. Food was literally flying everywhere!
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When a smoothie careens off the table, splattering green goo all over the floor Jenna calls Parker to grab his trusty shammy and clean it up. Instead, Parker suggests Jenna order a vacuum that sucks up glass? Does Amazon Prime come to the middle of the ocean?
It doesn’t matter – Jenna finds Parker’s smarting off to her in front of guests to be an affront to her leadership and immediately reports him to Paget and Captain Glenn. Paget’s hair raises several inches, resembling a marigold growing chia pet (although the hair was still flaccid and straight) and his face turns the color of Ciara’s hair.
Paget immediately calls Parker to task. As if that wasn’t bad enough there is major drama while docking and the $15m boat almost crashes into the dock as Paget is trying to manage Ciara’s inability to tie lines, with Parker’s inability to take direction about when to throw them. The entire time Captain Glenn is on the radio demanding visibility updates. The guests watch on as if this circus was brought solely for their entertainment.
Finally, this charter is over. And the tip wasn’t even that great.
After the guests leave Paget pulls Parker aside for a little chat about how to behave on boats. Apparently, even when you’re cleaning, a guest should never see your shammy. A third deckhand should be rarely be seen, and certainly never heard. Meaning a guest should never overhear you speaking loudly or rudely – especially to a superior. And even if the guests engage him in conversation, Parker should keep it to 3 minutes or less before running off to scrub the floors. Basically, he is Parkerella.
Despite their huge blow-up the night before, that morning, and during docking, Paget and Ciara take a moment to canoodle and reconnect. Paget compares her to his mom and says that’s what he likes about Ciara, except he doesn’t actually want to date his mom … Just apparently his practical sister? These two have the least sexy chemistry ever.
That night when the crew hits the town, Parker, Georgia and Madison sit at the end of the table sulking and glowering. The only time Georgia comes alive is when she’s flirting with Paget, literally right in front of Ciara, who is upset that Paget isn’t paying more attention to her. Meanwhile, Parker is so upset he opts to sleep on the sofa in the crew mess, snuggled up with Madison, then go back to the room he shares with Adam and risk waking him up again as he climbs off the top bunk for 4am wake-up call. Why don’t Parker and Adam just switch bunks?
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Meanwhile, Adam and Jenna are flirting constantly. The other stewardesses notice that the only thing Jenna focuses on is the galley, leaving them to do literally everything else on their lonesome. Right now Madison and Georgia are BFF, but I have a feeling the fight for Parker’s attention will start to come in between them very soon. Eventually, Georgia will grow tired of Paget’s chaste awkward flirting and Ciara’s dagger eyes, and the only other available man is Parker. Even if he is starting to develop a case of the Paul Ryan crazy eyes.
The good news about the new charter is that they’re a family with no dietary restrictions and literally no demands. The bad news is that they are bringing a ONE MONTH OLD BABY with them on board. ONE. MONTH. As in still practically in the womb. Also, they want a campfire on the beach their first night.
Of course, once the guests do board there is a surprise change to the preference sheet because the new mother suddenly can’t eat dairy, soy, or nuts. Luckily in between the wails of a baby crying and the boat pitching, no one can hear Adam grumbling while rethinking his lunch menu. Poor Adam — life is sooooo hard when you have to work with other people’s demands!
Every time I think I like Adam, I am reminded why I don’t. Like when Adam cites Jenna being infertile as a major bonus – a point that also becomes a flirtation to them. Is that … I don’t know? Gross somehow? After her appendix burst when she was 17, Jenna was left unable to have children, which she gleefully announces to Adam. Adam doesn’t want kids because he spent like 3 months dating a single mom and was so grossed out by having her kids around all the time, they broke up. So basically he belongs on Teen Mom! Aaaahhh.. the sweet poetic romance of a yachtmance. /sarcasm
Following his teenage meltdown the previous night Parker vows to start the new day and new charter with renewed positivity. Unfortunately, he accidentally has a FIVE minute conversation with a guest all while holding a shammy. Paget’s eyes bulge like blueberries on LSD as he watches this unfold. Considering that the guests engaged Parker, and were just making small talk I thought he was being polite.
Maybe Paget doesn’t understand an American’s penchant for over-friendliness, because he adds frowny faces next to Parker’s name on the naughty chart, then lectures him for fraternizing with the guests and not following his rules for behavior on board.
That night after dinner the guests will be heading to Corfu for their picnic. While the primary is enjoying a glass of wine, near where Parker is washing windows, Jenna asks him when the deck crew is leaving to prepare the potential campfire locations. Parker snaps that he’ll go when his superior tells him to, prompting even the primary to give him an eyeball. Paget, hovering nearby, is once again horrified. It seems that Parker, like Georgia, can’t do anything right.
Also, is Jenna’s only job running around tattling and complaining? I mean …
For some odd reason, Paget takes Ciara with him to prepare a fire pit. Maybe it was his idea of spending quality time or going on a date, but they bicker and argue the entire time about how to dig a hole and who is going to wind up buried in it.
Back on board, Adam has made some sort of Kobe beef feast, but just as he’s announcing it to the guests the baby starts wailing and he’s interrupted. The mother is forced to enjoy her meal cold after soothing the baby. The dad sat there and ate a hot dinner… [side eye]
In the interior department, Jenna learns that Georgia has been cleaning one cabin for like 2 hours and the master hasn’t even been started. She asks Madison to help with that, then 10 minutes later informs Madison – with no forewarning – that she’ll be the one going along on the beach picnic. This means Georgia is once again on her own for ironing the sheets! Madison is annoyed at being treated like a ping pong ball; batted here and there with no respect to what she may want to do. When Jenna tells Georgia she’ll have to handle the master on her own, Georgia groans in response. Once again Jenna runs to Adam to gripe.
I have a feeling this is all going to explode very soon. Parker and Georgia resent their superiors. Georgia straight up resents having to actually DO her job. And Jenna is ineffective at noticing that her leadership isn’t effective. Also, there is Adam egging Jenna along about how shitty her team is. Of course, Madison is overly-eager and sweet as pie to Jeanna’s face, then secretly annoyed, but at least she does her work without outright complaining…
TELL US – ARE JENNA AND PAGET TOO HARD ON GEORGIA AND PARKER, OR DO THEY NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND DO THEIR JOBS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]