Love After Lockup

What can we say about a show that has it all, like Love After Lockup? I mean, we have Dr. Phil wisdom spouting forth from the mouth of Clint. We have video footage of Tracie in prison  shackles, happily showing off her new strain of Hepatitis B prison tattoo. We have Scott spending another $30k on his ex-con, then popping in some Party City vampire teeth to clean up his look. And everyone is suddenly pregnant. Basically, this is trash TV at its absolute finest. And if you aren’t watching this show yet, I have just one question: WHY NOT? Please, I beg you…start living your best life and tune in with us.

There is so much to unpack this week, I almost don’t know where to start. Okay, I do: It’s in Scott’s mouth hole, which I have crawled ALL UP INTO on freeze frame photos on my laptop to dissect exactly WTAF is going on in there. Yes, this is what I’m spending my time on after Friday night’s shocking dentures reveal. We need answers, people. You’re welcome. #Journalism

If we thought Clint was going to come to his senses this week, then we – and the judicial systems of Texas and New Mexico – thought wrong. But, hey, we still have two more weeks of Love After Lockup to find out where Tracie is buying her mothaf*cking crack holing up, and just how much more dignity Clint is willing lose on national TV. So, like the cat posters in our high school guidance counselor’s office suggest: Hang in there!

While Clint is being counseled on the ways of the world by a man who he’s hired to track Tracie down, Caitlin tries to school Matt on how life works. It goes something like this: You grow up, you get a job, you pay for things. Matt has no idea how to accomplish one of these tasks, let alone all three.

You know it’s a good Love After Lockup episode when the one proposal that happened between an ex-felon and her victim boyfriend isn’t even the main storyline. Sure – this week, we saw Scott propose to Lizzie. But, in more important news: Michael and Megan finally meet up! And their first sexual encounter is just as crazy/gross/disturbing as we could have imagined. Speaking of crazy, Tracie is still on the loose with Clint’s money, rental car, and phone, y’all! Despite the recent Motherf**king CRACK, Mom! moment that stands between Clint and his “goddess,” our boy still holds out hope that she will return to him with minimal new STDs.

Before we dive back into Clint and Tracie’s dumpster fire, let’s catch up with Scott and Lizzie, who take us on a farm fresh field trip this week. Scott is hoping that Lizzie will agree to marry him, so he plans an extra-special proposal in the countryside, complete with a fresh pink shirt, slicked back hair, and both teeth scrubbed. #FairyTale

This week’s Love After Lockup was filled with engagement rings and cringeworthy public spectacles weddings, but not a happily ever after moment in sight. But there was crack! Yes, CRACK. (As in: is whack.) And I think I can speak for most of us when I say, Clint WTF are you doing, you fool? Take your Clint Bucks and run back home to Mama Clint before you are literally murdered in a hotel room!!! Sigh. Methinks Clint is not long for this world.

Before we spiral into the Clint and Tracie wormhole, let’s check in with our other couples, starting with Caitlin and Matt. Caitlin is growing restless at Mama Matt’s house, watching her fresh-outta-prison fiance laze around drinking beers and wacking weeds like he’s the Prodigal Prince.