To quote the immortal N’Sync, whose reputation is sullied by an unfortunate association with Vanderpump Rules, “I know that I can’t take no more, It ain’t no lie, I want to see you out that door, Baby bye bye bye.” And yes, I have had enough!
More than enough of Bravo claiming to support human rights and equality, yet, at every turn employing people who are misogynistic, racist, bigoted, and homophobic. I’ve certainly had enough of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright. I’ve never cared about their love. Which seemed about as deep and stable as a damp cardboard box that Amazon left on your porch while you were crashing at your Tinder hookup’s place (basically Scheana Marie‘s version of marriage).
I’ve never had any interest in their greasy, fishy proposal. Or their Pinterest FAILED IT wedding planning. I can’t with Brittany’s increasingly amped up southern drawl and raspy cackle, or the way she douses herself in tequila like it really can kill off STDs (or kill off the lurking knowledge that her marriage to Jax is fake, and that he will always and forever cheat).
There were already a ton of people on Vanderpump Rules before this season. Plus, anytime someone gets into a new relationship, that brings in another new cast member, which has doubled the original cast.
For some reason, production decided to bring in a million new cast members for Season 8. Season 7 was a bit stale, I’m not gonna lie, but we don’t need to “meet” this many people and keep track of their lives. The viewers already have enough on their hands. Or at least Lala Kent thinks so.
Last night Vanderpump Rules celebrated the annual SUR rite of passage: PRIDE!
In order to survive in this alternate universe known as Lisa Vanderpump Land, which at this point is indistinguishable from Lisa Frank Land (and one will equally find themselves trapperkeeper’d), one must dress up in rainbow paraphernalia, endure hours of Scheana Marie warbling “Solid Gold” on repeat, and have a hysterical selfish meltdown about their heterosexual relationships while ostensibly celebrating gay rights. This time, for the second year in a row, that prideful accomplishment goes to James Kennedy.
That’s right, bitches, the White Kanye is back and he came to lead his flock in verse and song of rage. And proving that James is here to resuscitate Vanderpump Rules he was even wearing a “Life Guard” man-tank with matching visor, like something out of a Ken Doll box.
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve missed watching James Kennedy on this season of Vanderpump Rules. Instead of his antics, we’ve been bombarded by Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s pre-wedding activities, Kristen Doute’s feud with Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney, and the 13,534 new additions to the cast.
However, James makes his return tonight, and it’s far from triumphant. Lisa Vanderpump suspects that James had been drinking again, which he probably was. He also gets in a fight with his girlfriend Raquel Leviss. Yes, she’s a cast member now too.
When Vanderpump Rules first catapulted into the Bravo lexicon the appeal was that was its off the cuff and unpredictable cast members whose earnestly dysfunctional relationships anchored the show, and served as a highlight to all the other nonsense.
There was a magic in its untested authenticity that was like the early seasons of Real World or Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Before these people realized they were going to become a phenomenon just for showing up. But alas it is now not the case. Lisa Vanderpump has now assumed the role of part Svengali/part David Copperfield; trying to make magic out of thin air and airheads.
It’s not working.
The bachelor/bachelorette party “fun” continues tonight on Vanderpump Rules; i.e. the cast will continue to get drunk and argue in Miami.
The guys dress up as old men because, well, Tom Sandoval coordinated this party and it’s hilarious.
You guys… I’m losing my patience with Vanderpump Rules. I know, I know – it’s only like the 4th episode, but it’s the 8th (EIGHTH) season of the same drama, with the same cast members largely forced together for the sake of the show.
Would Ariana Madix and Stassi Schroeder have spoken to each other in the last 5 years, let alone still have something to argue about, if it weren’t for this show? Nope, not at all. In fact Stassi likely would’ve moved somewhere else, save for being on TV. Would Kristen Doute still be lurking around, carrying her cloud of dingy destruction, after sleeping with Stassi’s then-boyfriend Jax Taylor, then sleeping with Jax’s now fiancé, Brittany Cartwright? No, absolutely not.
Would Scheana Marie still be working as a waitress at SUR, sexually harassing post-adolescent boys, if it weren’t for Vanderpump Rules? Well, yeah probably. Would Tom 2 and Katie Maloney have gotten married? Not likely. But here we are celebrating the momentous occassion of Jax having been on reality TV for so long that he’s run out of storylines and the only sensational thing that remains is getting married. It’s a sad way to fizzle into obscurity for the man who kept up a lie about sleeping with his girlfriend’s best friend with a woman who happened to be the girlfriend of his best friend, and doing this on the sofa while the boyfriend/bestie was in the next room, passed out. Twice.
With Charli Burnett around, I assume that Scheana Marie looks in the mirror at lot less, since she has a “mini me” around all the time to side with her, listen to her complain about boys, and trash talk Dayna Kathan.
However, Charli is doing a lot more than that. She has become the second cast member to make their mark on this show thanks to pasta. James Kennedy is the first, of course. During the last Vanderpump Rules episode, Charli told Dayna that she’s never had pasta. In her entire life. How is that even possible? She also shared her “theory” that pasta makes people gain weight, well, duh. That’s not a theory. That’s a fact. And, well, Jax Taylor called her out and Lala Kent jumped in on the fun.