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Teddi Mellencamp Declares That She Isn’t Kyle Richards’ ‘Henchwoman’

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave has been busy this season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She helped propagate the dumbest storyline puppygate and told off a vulnerable Lisa Vanderpump. Teddi wore out her fingers out texting John Sessa Blizzard (I still don’t care). She also decided to pay a stylist who obviously hates her to try to level up with the other women. Oh, and did I mention she’s busy now Kyle Richards’ mouthpiece?

Remember earlier this season when she was complaining about doing LVP’s dirty work? Now she’s happily doing Kyle’s! For their first night out in Provence, the ladies went all out by wearing black. (I’m still not over the memory of Dorit Kemsely’s feather leather jacket). The women also tried something new by attempting to deliver in a scene. With Kyle at the helm now, she and Teddi tried to start some drama by calling out Lisa Rinna’s behavior at Farrah-ween. Honestly, I think the only person truly offended by Rinna’s awful Erika Jayne impersonation was Kyle. Yes, everyone was cringing. But Kim Richards even forgave Rinna! So, Kyle we get it. You need to harp on this because LVP has left the building you were personally traumatized. The only person on Kyle’s side here was Teddi.

Real Housewives Of Beverly In France

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled to France to visit glorious Provence. Of course these women couldn’t just enjoy the sites and each other’s company, and a new Lisa was thrown under the Peugeot wheels!

Here we are at the Chateau Ventoux, which according to Lisa Rinna is “like Downton France Abbey” except in France an Abbey is a nunnery, so LOL. (If I’m wrong here don’t bother correcting me because I like my joke). The rooms are all beautiful. The surroundings are lush. And unlike when PK smothers her with potato chip crumbs and calls it a blanket, Dorit Kemsley feels like a princess. A real live European princess, who any moment will be woken from this nightmare by a prince who doesn’t have financial problems and will carpet their castle in athleisure wear made by Givenchy and Beverly Reach. Life, really will have purpose for this girl from London, Connecticut. 

Lisa Rinna in France - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Tonight you can take the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills out of dog crap drama, but you can’t take the drama out of the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills – especially when they’re in France!

What starts out as a lovely vacation in an exclusive French villa, prompting Dorit Kemsley to exclaim that it feels like they’re all in Europe, quickly erupts into mayhem when Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave believes all the world’s – and all the Housewives’ – problems are her bones to pick. Lady get a life and let things go.

Below Deck Mediterranean - Chef Mila Kolomeitseva

On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean Chef Mila Kolomeitseva continued to be like a nuke in the ocean. And no one likes nukes for dinner — or anywhere else for that matter!

Here in the beautiful, balmy waters of the French Rivera it’s just your typical family dinner: throw a few TV dinners in the microwave and chow down while watching the sunset on the main deck. At least according to Mila. After first making barf nachos that look like they came from a gas station, Mila mistimed the cooking of the main course steak and figures why not nuke them for a minute or two.

Being a Russian Mila is immune to radiation poisoning, so she puts her face right up to the doors to watch them cook second by second, before dumping them on a plate and ordering Anastasia Surmava to “Go” deliver them. Hannah Ferrier is appalled, alarmed, in a right strop – a full spectrum of emotions over what she just witnessed. Actually of that is an understatement. Hannah was actually shocked into silence carrying these plates of radiation ribeye.

Mila

If Mila Kolomeitseva didn’t make a terrible first impression on last week’s episode of Below Deck Mediterranean, tonight’s episode will not be any better. Yes, it does get worse than licking guests’ steaks and putting them in the microwave.

Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier criticizes Mila’s cooking prowess, which isn’t at-all-surprising, but very much warranted. This is especially true since Mila can’t even slice ham (for some reason) during tonight’s episode. Instead, Captain Sandy Yawn comes to her rescue. However, Mila is even worse outside of the kitchen. Yes, that’s possible.

Below Deck Mediterranean’s Brooke Laughten Denies She Cheated on Joao Franco

Did she, or didn’t she? Below Deck Mediterranean premiered this week and everyone’s favorite Zimbabwean João Franco is already playing the woe -is- me card.

According to João his lady love Kasey Cohen Brooke Laughton broke his heart by cheating on him.  Or, is that just what he wants us to believe?

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Denise Richards

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills organized themselves around a new enemy, because that is the point of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills now. It has been for a few seasons! Someone is the target, and the rest of the women shield exposing their real lives by focusing their collective effort on how terribly they’ve all been wronged by this one person for some basically meaningless infraction. It’s tabloids in the suitcase, it’s stories in the tabloids no one reads….

Ever since Kyle Richards realized that the Twisted Sisters Richards would be the undoing of everything she has worked so hard to escape, she has become champion number one of this plan. She will literally hang Kim Richards out to dry by pinstriped suspenders and let Lisa Rinna call her “c–nty” than avoid getting mired down in the type of personal muck that could lift the giant felted wool hats right off to reveal whatever Kyle is hiding.

It will be interesting to see how Camille Grammer fares when faced with this – if it ever comes to pass given that the California Wildfires interceded in the cast trip, and Camille decided against attending the reunion. 

Below Deck Mediterranean Season 4 - Captain Sandy Yawn

The casting team went overboard for season 4 of Below Deck Mediterranean. They combed the globe hoping to find the most incomprehensible accents and ridiculous people possible. I say, they succeeded, because last night the craziest, most outrageous, most shocking thing ever happened when it came to what new chef Mila Kolomeitseva served for dinner!

This season is taking place in the south of France, which is the place both Captain Sandy Yawn and Hannah Ferrier consider the birth of their yachting career. Something tells me the French government only allowed them in with exit visas already issued… Helping Sandy and Hannah terrorize the cobalt blue waters of a country known for its class and culinary sophistication is Joao Franco, newly returned from relationship rehab (I kid) and promoted to boson.