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Below Deck Mediterranean Colin Macy-O'Toole

Last night’s supersized 90 minute Below Deck Mediterranean was so full of drama amongst the cast that after a while they didn’t even bother showing the guests. Like oh, yeah – those guys. I don’t think we even saw their final dinner, unless I was so distracted by all the cast issues that I blocked it out?

Lord Jesus I have the worst case of concentrationitis right now. I believe that’s called “procrastination” in actual English. Maybe Jack Stirrup is rubbing off on me when he should be rubbing the railings of Sirocco? We’ve all lost our will to carry on here. With three charters left to go, everyone has reached the point in the charter season where they’re in a haze of exhaustion. Most notably, Anastasia Surmava. Anastasia resembles a worn out sponge. Crumpled, and no amount of shoving Spongstasia in the dishwasher can bring her back to her former glory. 

Hannah Ferrier Travis Michalzik Below Deck Mediterranean

Love is brewing on Below Deck Mediterranean.  There were high hopes for two couples hooking up.  Aesha Scott and Jack Stirrup have an undeniable connection.  Hannah Ferrier and Travis Michalzik had potential but then the Chief Stew backed out of their date.

This romance definitely fizzled out last episode.  After canceling their date due to Travis‘ afternoon alcohol consumption, Hannah asked that Travis pace himself on their crew day off.  He ended passing out at some swanky Monte Carlo restaurant.  Which does prove Hannah’s point.  Travis, however, is questioning her reason for cancelling last minute.

Hannah Ferrier Travis Michalzik Below Deck Mediterranean

Something fishy is going on with Below Deck Mediterranean and with each episode we see the further unraveling of Anastasia Surmava and Travis Michalzik. Anastasia is reminding me of one of those Tudor princesses forced upon a throne she is woefully unprepared to reign; the pawn of warring factions seeking the easiest and most disposable means of domination. Anastasia is a sitting duck … and if she doesn’t watch out she might find herself served (undercooked) for dinner!

I do not understand where these sudden temperature issues have arrived from? Anastasia was doing OK the first couple charters. She assumed the mantle of chef, but now the girl needs to acquaint herself with Mila’s microwave! Or possibly have Captain Sandy Yawn invest in plate domes? Anastasia believes the problem is not with her cooking (No! Never her fault!), but in the 130 feet it takes to migrate food from the sweatshop galley – a literal hovel of doom where chefs go in like lions and out like sobbing mental patients – to the table. Um, how does 130 feet freeze rice?

June Foster

When June Foster joined the cast of Below Deck Mediterranean this season, the only person who was at-all excited about it was Colin Macy-O’Toole. He was elated to have another American on the Sirocco and he hoped she wasn’t into the dirty sex talk like his coworkers.

Who was the least excited about June joining the crew? It has to be a tie between Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier and June herself. Hannah was miffed to lose Anastasia Surmava, who was the only competent Third Stew Hannah ever worked with on this show. June just didn’t seem enthusiastic in general. About anything. What was going on there? Was she high during charter?

Below Deck Mediterranean Johnny Damon

Oh Below Deck Mediterranean – sailing through some of the most beautiful scenery in the world with some of the most hideous peopleJohnny Damon‘s wife needs to literally take several seats. Preferably on a yacht she actually owns.

I don’t know what is going on with this boat, but the constantly twisted up anchor seems to be a metaphor for the crew as well. Anastasia Surmava is now officially WAAAAY too big for her britches, but her britches are probably a thong bikini bottoms, so…  Last week Anastasia was panicking over a unicorn cake. Now, she’s marching into the Michelin Star Service Station – without her chef’s coat! – to announce that she’s here to pick up her stars. Everything Anastasia served last night was a disappointment and the guests – bless their grimy, probably sexually unsatisfied hearts – were right to complain to Captain Sandy Yawn.

Chefs of the Below Deck: If we can make it at home using a Pinterest recipe we do not want to eat it on a yacht!! 

Below Deck Mediterranean Mid-Season Trailer Released

The Below Deck Mediterranean season thus-far has given us unprecedented reality TV moments. Mila Kolomeitseva served Taco Bell-style food on a luxury  Jack Stirrup spit into Aesha Scott’s belly button.  He’ll soon be sucking her toes too, as evidenced by the footage in the mid-season trailer.

Whatever your thoughts about the quirky courtship of Jack and Aesha, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  The trailer is a great teaser of hookups, tears, and drunken antics.  But the most exciting moment comes at the very end when a very familiar voice is says, “hello lovelies.”

Joao Franco - Below Deck Mediterranean

On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean the cracks started to show with an overworked crew and an under qualified chef!

The episode opened with June Foster literally fleeing the dinner table to puke in a trashcan. I thought Bravo was setting us up for some enormous reveal. June is pregnant! Hannah Ferrier fed her a bad oyster! Jackie Seigel‘s ring had poison in it (and who tried to poison Jackie!?)! June had an allergic reaction to spray tan! The thought of dating Colin Macy-O’Toole made June gag.

But re: June and Colin getting together. Have you ever seen two such American smiles? They both have a full set of gator chompers. Teeth so white and straight and perfectly stylized by precision American orthodonistry that a full set of false teeth would just pop out of June’s uterus. 

June Foster - Below Deck Mediterranean

I can’t figure out who is crazier on Below Deck Mediterranean: new third stew June Foster or billionaire charter guest Jackie Siegel. These two are two urchins in a reef who live in their own worlds – it’s probably better that they stay there instead of permeating ours.

The trek to picnic at Eze continues. Up a mountain, down a mountain, up a mountain, down a mountain, up an inflatable slide, down an inflatable… Oh wait, haha! That’s only for half the crew! The rest of the crew is on a particularly odious Amazing Race challenge featuring deck chairs and how many can be carried at once without a leg being broken (the chair’s or the human’s – doesn’t matter!).

Joao Franco and the rest of the team at Eze finally get everything to the top (with Jackie is whining for food like a petulant child) that there’s no cutlery and no one is answering the radio because Captain Sandy Yawn has them all frolicking in the water under the auspice of crew training. Or producers just wanted another opportunity to showcase Anastasia Surmava in a thong bikini.