Last night the Real Housewives Of New York went to the Big Apple Circus where Sonja Morgan lifted a random baby from the lap of the mother who was sitting behind her, and held it in her own lap so the child could get a better look at the action. That baby sat there stoically and dry-eyed as the adult women around her sloshed popcorn-essenced cocktails in her face and probably assumed the wetness on their dress was because the baby pooped herself. You know this child was forever changed, and all-knowing from this experience, and someday, many moons from now will be gracing some future Bravo network as a Real Housealien Of Spaceship Villa Uranus in the year 2075.
Especially because just as randomly this baby’s honorary temporary godmother Sonja Morgan, of the Sexy J performing acrobatics troupe, passed her back to her mother, and hiked up her sequined mini dress before vaulting over the dividing wall right into the center ring to join the clowns. It’s as if Sonja was born for this moment, and never has she felt more at home. To somersault in heels, pantomime, and ad-lib, and if Luann de Lesseps doesn’t incorporate The Sexy J random circus into her cabaret halftime show (sponsored by Dale Mercer, of course) than she’s a bigger fool than even I thought possible.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York had it all: turtle time, flying trapezes, sexually harassing birds, meltdowns at premiere galas, breakups, brawls in the spa, makeups at the spa, ghosts of Sonja Morgan‘s past, and wrap dresses. You know, just an ordinary episode! (Seriously how is this one of the lower rated Housewives franchises?!)
Sonja is just strolling down the street with her coffee and her trendy patterned tights when a limousine window rolls down and a voice calls out from the dark, “Hey hooker…” Sonja doesn’t even flinch, she just keeps doing her Mary Tyler Moore strut with a distracted smile until the voice gets more persistent. But it’s just Bethenny Frankel! Sonja laughs because she assumed it was one if the regular people who call her a hooker during her morning coffee run! Where is Sonja getting her coffee from?
The Real Housewives Of New York never fail to disappoint! They cycle through emotions faster than teenage girls, even though they’re all, for the most part, menopausal women.
We open in the Berkshires where Sonja Morgan is having a meltdown over Dorinda Medley touching the sacred MOOOOOORGAN LETTERS, which really should be under plexiglass like the Guggenheim Bible and the first thong Sonja ever washed in her bidet. “She didn’t desecrate them!” Ramona Singer yells in an attempt to calm Sonja down, but Bethenny Frankel is the expert in psychotic breaks.
Bethenny has a lifetime of experience, after all, so she ushers Sonja out of the room, grabs her face, and performs an exorcism. I also think Bethenny must have hypnotized Sonja with one the 32 diamond rings she’s wearing, because from that moment forward Sonja became obsessed with The B. Back at the table, Sonja is ready to resume partying. Everything’s fine!
I’m beginning to think that next time, instead of going to The Berkshires, the Real Housewives Of New York all just need to take a trip to rehab. I’m sure Luann de Lesseps knows a place!
Dorinda Medley thought she was making it nice by decorating her house like cheesy haunted house, but the Fish Room is no halloween theme! Those are $15,000 taxidermied sword fish (why? how? so confusing?) and it’s a privilege to pass out drunk before their glassy-eyed stare! Also they are there all. year. round. Come Easter they wear bunny ears, come Christmas twinkly lights, come St. Patty’s day a leprechaun hat, but come Halloween they get to just be their creepy selves. Kinda like the Real Housewives when they enter the Berkshires – all their most idiosyncratic tendencies and behaviors come out in full force and they are their most selves.
Take Luann for instance, throwing a haughty fit after learning she was placed in the Fish Room instead of ‘Hannah’s room’ at the front of the house.
Last night the Real Housewives Of New York headed to the Berkshires and they weren’t there 15 minutes before drama erupted over who has to wake up in the shark room. Ladies – Dorinda Medley made it nice, the least you can do is start out behaving!
Ramona Singer is actually looking forward to the Berkshires this year, because she thinks she’s “good with everyone.” Apparently she’s forgotten that Bethenny Frankel has the memory of an elephant when it comes to other people offending her. And that Luann de Lesseps has an elephantine ego that will not be satisfied with peanuts. Perhaps Ramona’s disaster date gave her a new frame of reference for the people in her lives?
Speaking of dates, Bethenny is headed to Boston to visit the guy she’s dating. I’m confused: at the clambake Bethenny was just considering going on her first post-Dennis date, with a man she’d met before Dennis passed, even though she was engaged to Dennis? Now she’s in a full fledged relationship which has “really heated up” since Dennis died?
Oh, I love Real Housewives Of New York! From Tinsley Mortimer slipping into Southern Sorority mode and using the word “hoebag,” to Dorinda Medley accusing Barbara Kavovit of drinking so much of Luann de Lesseps‘ unspiked Kool-Aid she has Type-2 Diabetes, to Ramona Singer getting lectured on being judgmental from the date from hell and just gulping her wine in response. This show is the pinnacle. Take note, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills!
We left, and open on a cliff-hanger: will Dorinda and Luann make amends? Aided by Bethenny Frankel, at the Paper Magazine party, Luann saunters over. Clearly she’s expecting Dorinda to bow at her feet, cry, and vow to never utter the dreaded word “Jovani” again.
Last week’s Real Housewives Of New York gave us a Mermaid Moonwalk. This week Ramona Singer terrorized a clambake by stuffing whole lobsters in a plastic grocery bag. This is why Real Housewives Of New York is the best!
“I’m not quite sure if I’m invited or not but I’m inviting myself,” shrugs Ramona, arriving at Barbara Kavovit‘s much-anticipated clambake. She believes wine is the salve that soothes all social wounds. So by bringing two bottles of rosé, PLUS a fancy pie, there’s no way she’ll be turned away. Who knew she’d leave with so many party favors.
Last night the Real Housewives Of New York dragged all their dysfunction to the Hamptons where they split into two teams: Team Ramona Singer & Team Luann de Lesseps. Just like the old days… Usually Sonja Morgan likes being in the middle of some sweaty, howling, grunting, insane situations, and this time was no exception!
Sonja arrives at Ramona’s house after being driven by Tinsley Mortimer. After all Tinsley’s whining that she might crash before she even gets into the driver’s seat, she turned out to be a good driver. Which, according to Sonja, also naturally means Tinsley will be a good mother. Because… ?
For some reason Sonja has long extensions – from a photoshoot maybe. They look so ratty I assume she found them in a box in a the Townhouse basement labeled JP – Mother’s Victorian Wigs. Anyway, this inspires Dorinda Medley to whip out the mermaid costumes she brought so they all can do something besides eat, drink, go to restaurants and fight. Dorinda believes their mermaid photos will “go viral.” Which is usually what they’re saying about Sonja’s vagina.