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Real Housewives recap

Kyle Richards

Congratulations Camille Grammer – you’ve officially broken free of Kelsey and restarted your life with a new man by getting married on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Gorgeous wedding! Too bad you dragged your way back Kelsey personality along with you for the ride in the clown car to David C. Meyer.

Oh, a lie detector test. Is that what we’re doing now instead of printing out 99 point font textestessss to prove our innocence? I feel like I need to write this portion of the recap in Comic Sans font, because surely this must be some British Humor! Now I’m still team Lisa Vanderpump, but lady – I cannot sit back and allow John Sessa to carry the Pom-Shield and become the defacto Kyle Richards: professional sidekick, stand-in kitchen remodel viewer, and mouthpiece of menace. John Sessa (and his barely buttoned shirt) needs to stick to training puppies to bite PK and leave the Housewives stuff to the big dogs. 

RHOP Michael Darby Real Housewives Of Potomac

Candiace Dillard’s fabulous Real Housewives of Potomac wedding aired last week, but it’s time to move on. There’s plenty of drama on the horizon, and this week is Katie Rost’s return! Katie back in the fold assures viewers they are in for some crazy situations. Also, we get to see the next chapter in the never-ending Gizelle Bryant/Karen Huger frenemy saga.

Michael Darby’s sexual comments toward men will likely play a big part in the episode. His marriage with Ashley Darby is always clouded in mystery. Nobody knows what’s real with the two of them. The upcoming scandal is going to be very telling when it comes to the legitimacy of their relationship. I guess we’ll see!

Camille Grammer - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills paid homage to the great legend herself, Erika Jayne, but the true legend they ought to be bowing to is Camille Grammer, returneth to us in her splendorous season 1 form.

Now that Lisa Vanderpump has removed herself from the scene, what is Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave supposed to do but focus all her obsessive energies onto exposing the truth about Camille? Camille, as we know will rise to that occasion, rather flightily and airily, but with needle-prick jabs that hit all the right pressure points. Like acupuncture for your insecurities. 

Teddi Mellencamp & Camille Grammer

Ahhhh the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills shed their glam squads and their Bentley’s for an RV to throw Lisa Vanderpump under and the simple life of campsite massages, and roasting weenies and each other!

I am so confused by this RV. First of all why does it look like sunscreen advertisement outside Spring Break destinations? Why is it so… tacky? Why is Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave the roadside version of a Goodyear Blimp (God – Ms. Calorie Coach would loooooove that comparison!)?

RHOP Candiace Dillard Real Housewives of Potomac

WHAT A SEASON THIS WILL BE. The Real Housewives of Potomac appear to be stepping up their game on a major level. Karen Huger’s line at the end of the season preview is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. The situation surrounding Michael Darby is so bizarre, and Karen is calling it like it is. This is exactly the push this show needed to be on par with the others in the Real Housewives franchise.

Last season was so impressive for the Potomac ladies. We got THAT umbrella moment with Monique Samuels and Robyn Dixon. IT WAS ALMOST RIP ROBYN. Plus, we got to see Karen host the weirdest press conference in history to reveal nothing. Hopefully, this season is just as on point. It seems to be because Karen trying to use an oven is so hilarious. I love watching rich people struggle with basic household tasks. That will never not be funny to me.

RHOP Karen Huger Real Housewives of Potomac

The Real Housewives of Potomac cast members delivered for Season 3. They were heavy on the shade, drama, and dishonesty. The reunion left off with Karen Huger grieving while frienemy Gizelle Bryant offered comfort. Ashley Darby shared her intent to conceive a child. Monique Samuels was pregnant with her third baby.

Robyn Dixon was still in her confusing relationship with Juan Dixon. Candiace Dillard was in the midst of planning her wedding. Real Housewives of Potomac returns for Season 4 tonight.

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

I really can’t tell what’s going on with Lisa Vanderpump‘s role on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Obviously they’re not going to kill her off the show before we get the kitchen reveal, right?! But it’s looking like after her most recent blowout with Dorit Kemsley this might be it? Maybe?

Last night the episode opened in two different typical Beverly Hills mornings. Mornings so disparate they might as well have been happening across the globe from each other, like a study in sending kids off to school: Denmark vs. Indonesia.

Kyle Richards wakes up at the crack of dawn to make Portia breakfast in bed, on a monogrammed tray. Except at 10-years-old Portia is still sleeping in bed with Kyle and Maurcio – kinda creepy – so Kyle actually retrieves Portia from her bed, and puts her in her own bed to serve her breakfast. Then Portia doesn’t have time to eat because Kyle spends so much time styling her hair. Kyle thinks this is all just normal good mothering. If you’re Lori Loughlin. Also in Beverly Hills (or Encino) the houses are so big the smell of coffee being made doesn’t wake everyone else up…

Seriously – did Kyle just put socks on her tween, while Portia lounged in bed and sneered at the breakfast tray? Kyle — it’s called POPTARTS, and you can even fit a bag of them in your Vanderhaul. 

Kyle Richards & Teddi Mellencamp Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills celebrated Culture Club, and the CULT in cult-ture that is Lisa Vanderpump. They’re all desperately trying to leave, but they can’t escape the pink porcelain urns. Or rely on PK Kemsley to stick to the plan!

The first thing we have to discuss, though, which I really do not want to discuss, is Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave allowing Portia and Slade to be models for a ‘kids makeup line’ called “Petite & Pretty.” Which sounds like how a cougar would describe themselves on Tinder, and is being marketed to trailer parks in Alabama where people dream of turning their daughters into Honey Boo Boo