As usual Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills claimed something unbelievable was going to happen, but really nothing did. This show is having a midlife crisis. No one is asking it what work it had done, because it CLEARLY hasn’t been nipped, tucked, sucked, botoxed, or coolsculpted into its youthful, amazing form. God knows they’ve tried, but the way these women approach their physical reality (hide what they actually look like and won’t admit to what they’ve had done) is the same way they approach their reality.
They’ve all blamed Lisa Vanderpump for the show being inauthentic. Like who could forget the infamous Munchausen scenes when Kyle Richards desperately tried to coax Lisa into admitting that she was lying, only to have Lisa talk in circles until Lisa Rinna got blamed for the whole thing.
And yes, LVP’s self-producing has been a major contributor to the hollow space between where reality meets reality, but honestly, it wasn’t UNTIL Lipsa got caught in that Munchausen vortex that she started figuring out that the way to save yourself on reality TV is to self-produce, which is when the show went sour. Add into the mix Erika Jay-girdi, a woman whose entire personality is an aggregate of a Housewife finding her inner sex symbol, and you’ve got a show literally about nothing except women shopping and eating lunch. A tootsie pop with a hollow center because someone at the factory didn’t add the tootsie to make it pop.
At least we had Camille Grammer. My favorite Camille Grammer used to be S1 Camille, but now it’s S9 Camille who loses her shit. We’ve ever seen this Camille before. Usually, she’s snarky, snide, and with brittle composure. But all season the cracks in Camille’s outer shell have been growing deeper. Or maybe, just maybe, Camille is finally outgrowing her protective outer shell and as she scrambles to find a new one her vulnerable little soft parts are exposed? Whatever the case Camille became unhinged but, well, something had to happen! Because honestly, nothing is. Even when Andy Cohen presses the women about sensitive topics (their husband’s lawsuits, their plastic surgery) he’s mostly met with mild antagonism.
These women are holding fast to their friendship pact – if one falls, the whole house of cards will come fluttering down around Kyle’s ankles like a droopy kaftan.
What’s most interesting is seeing Erika staying in line. Erika is usually the type to make waves because she’s ‘controversial’. Erika confuses taking societally acceptable but mildly frowned upon chances as being a fun-loving risk-taker with a bold personality. A wig is by nature concealing, Erika, not revealing!
Erika usually relishes calling people out and having that upper hand, but here she is in her Mrs. Girardi drag, playing the role of the wife seen, not heard. When Andy revisited the issues in Provence with Kyle and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave calling Erika dull and uptight, to try to force a contrived fight with Lipsa, Erika shrugs. Even when Kyle and Teddi attempt to bring up the ‘hidden scene’ of Erika being rude with the airport Starbucks barista (which would’ve been the most revealing portrait of Erika we’ve ever seen)!
Erika, who just last year, threw a season-long fit replete with growling like a rabid animal; turning Teddi’s fairly innocuous ‘pretend amnesia’ comment into a treatise of how Erika was accused of being a con woman, a grifter, and perpetuating the greatest lies of our time (AmWay will make you rich; Botox will make you look young; Billy Joel songs are amazing)!
But this time Erika smiles tightly and exclaims that she “loves” being around these women who hate her, who she also clearly hates because without toxic LVP this group has become positive, loving, and embracing (Except when they’re trash-talking LVP constantly, and then subtly starting to turn on each other). This show has gotten so weird.
Teddi actually blames her behavior in Provence on feeling paranoid that Erika’s hangover was directed at her. Teddi needs serious therapy. She shouldn’t be calling anyone else a narcissist around here….
Now the new issue is that Kyle and Teddi are too close, and no one is sure if their friendship is real or a really secure alliance.
Camille – and shockingly Dorit Kemsley – seemed to be the only ones who realized this in time that Teddi and Kyle decided to two-become-one themselves together into a chicken and cheese burrito. Kyle has to be the cheese because Teddi subsists on constipated air. Now Teddi always has someone in her corner to go #AllIN on her lies, and Kyle has someone who insert herself, doggedly (pun intended!) in all Kyle’s issues, aka the Lipsa impersonation of Erika.
Kyle and Teddi are sisterhood of stubby judgemental fingered claw hands — and they are coming for you! Lispsa was too bogged down in her vendetta against LVP and the triumph of finally getting one over on her for Munchauasen-gate, and Erika was just merely trying to maintain her composure, and Dorit didn’t want to make waves because she didn’t want anyone to realize she’d gotten away with dumping not one, but TWO dogs. By Provence though Dorit’s low-profile had given her plenty of time to observe Teddi and Kyle speaking in lockstep and obviously conspiring together to create an issue between Erika and Lipsa. I can only imagine that Erika and Lipsa have this all filed away in some secret Birkin, wrapped in tissue paper and secured with the finest strand of diamonds woven with strands of gold, and Toppling Tykeddi will be next season’s hottest accessory.
Andy is on board. It’s clear as day when he relentlessly – for Andy – confronts Teddi for lying about her involvement in Puppygate, that he’s over her. Teddi blames being hurt by Dorit and going along with LVP because “I put a wall up, like, whatever it will be better for me.” OH, so that’s accountability? Or is that selfishness?
Teddi keeps saying she’s owned it. Yet as Andy points out, when Teddi is making this arrogant Abraham Lincoln ‘I never tell a lie’ speech in the Bahamas she was actually LYING. Girl… time for someone to go John Wilkes Booth on your delusion. And by that I mean shoot a hole in your lack of accountability. That someone may just well be Dorit, who just really doesn’t want anyone to know the truth about what happened to Lucy. (WHERE IS PROOF OF THIS MYSTERIOUS WOMAN).
Teddi insists she confessed all her pettiness to Dorit in the Bahamas, before that dinner, but only because Teddi didn’t want LVP to get to Dorit first and share the UNEDITED texts between Teddi and John. But even in that desperate confession Teddi wasn’t honest about what she really said: calling Dorit a “shitty parent” and a narcissist.
Instead, according to Dorit, Teddi actually only admitted to “impure thoughts.” Um, is Dorit a priest, now? Sista CHA NEL of the Unholy Order of Dog Dumping & Grifting From The Rich To Clothe The Wannabe Rich? But will CHA NEL never tell? Or will she assign Teddi ten Hail Mary passes of responsibility in a borrowed Chanel bag? I never thought we’d find a more self-absorbed Housewife than Kyle, but here’s Teddi!
As Andy said in his mic drop moment, “YOU literally said ‘I never lie’ but you were lying. You’re lying about lying,” And Teddi is still lying. “Re-countability” is not the same as accountability. Meaning Teddi is trying to re-write history but admitting your involvement is not on par with so-called ‘owning it.’ Teddi only confessed when she got caught, and then tried to reframe it as a sudden attack of conscience, but the only point this out is Camille.
Teddi never having a conversation with LVP before being manipulating into putting “Lisa’s plan” into action is beyond suspect. It’s almost as suspect as LVP not firing John Blizzard (who is a really shitty henchman). Maybe because by the time LVP knew what he was doing the storyline was already happening? Or as Kyle maliciously said he knows too much? But Kyle also knew too much – like she knew from day 1 what Teddi was playing at and went along with it.
The joy these women take in relishing any moment to trash LVP is almost unnerving. They sit there on pins and needles literally, until anyone mentions a bad deed by Lisa then immediately the relief and glee washes over them. Their reactions when Andy finally confronted them – barely – about their lawsuits said it all. They all immediately lied and became hostile and accused us, the viewers, of being stupid.
Erika, honey, Tom’s lawsuits are NOT resolved. He shorted the first payment, and has at least one other lawsuit pending.
Kyle, Mauricio’s case was just advanced. Now we said it Kyle, and so did the judge.
Dorit, you’re broke. At least we finally saw the pool footage with some excuses for why no one mentioned it.
I can’t wait to see what comes out of the woodwork in the future. This is all coming from Mary from WV, some nobody from nowhere who is a total idiot (even though Kyle has like an 8th grade education because her mom had her drop out to be a child star).
Ladies as much as you want to put the truth in a kill shelter like it’s Dorit’s dogs, Law.com exists and we can read. Also, they’ve all been disparaging LVP’s businesses all season, yet insist that they would never mention her lawsuits on the show.
Finally, Camille comes out and that’s just a mess. Confrontation is not for her. She’s a delicate flower who has been sent out there alone without Kimber, her human body armor that probably smells like Gucci Envy.
Camille describes LVP as a “fairweather friend” and admits that had Lisa seen the comments Camille made about her breath and gums, she wouldn’t have been at the Vanderpump Cocktail Gardening opening.
Camille also agrees LVP should be at reunion but thinks she didn’t show up because of Brandi Glanville, and feeling betrayed that Denise Richards filmed with her. Good theory! One, I, and everyone else, buys. buy. Lisa probably didn’t feel she could trust production/Andy to be fair if they’re going to slither Brandi out there to intentionally be inflammatory and demeaning. Denise insists she and Brandi didn’t mean to talk about LVP. Oh, Denise, seriously, girl? YOU might not have meant to talk about LVP, but Brandi certainly did. Guaranteed that is the ONLY thing she planned to talk about!
The problem the women all have with Camille isn’t that she remained friendly with LVP, but that she tries to be all things to all people. And I get this. As Dorit explains, it’s OK to not like her, but don’t pretend you do.
Camille is right: Dorit is phony and there’s something so purely and totally disingenuous about her. Even her moments of realism seem practiced and staged. Dorit is also right – Camille should’ve stuck to her instincts instead of pandering. Camille tries to explain that she sees both perspectives: She understands why the women are mad at Lisa, but she also felt like Lisa needed a friend through her grief. This is nice, but it doesn’t work on a show like this where humanity isn’t considered an asset. On Real Housewives Of New York, yes; Real Housewives of Beverly hills, no. Kyle actually says the only reason Camille started being nice to LVP is because she didn’t want to be trashed on Twitter, which is all you need to know about Kyle’s values system.
The women have justified issues with Camille. As she herself, and ironically, also Kyle, pointed out, “It’s hypocrisy at its finest!” They all talk shit about each other and they all maintain a tepid alliance that some of the things said will remain OFF camera.
This is how we learn that Kyle also talked about LVP’s breath – of course, she did, but according to Kyle the misstep was not the dirty deed, but in being exposed for it. And that is what’s wrong: everything on this so-called reality show is kept cloistered away from reality in Sista CHA NEL’s convent chapel in Patapussadenia.
I have three words for you Kyle (and Camille), “MENTION IT ALL!” It’s immortal advice from the most pure and true housewife we’ve ever had and it even includes a split so it has to be valid!
Finally, my favorite moment of the reunion – when Camille made a Freudian Slip trying to call Dorit the phoniest person she’s ever met, but accidentally said Erika.
And that morphed into the moment when Camille started to lose it over how the women treated her wedding. Camille says production forced her to invite them, then immediately after her special day they all started being nasty about her over a puff piece given to People to advertise her wedding in exchange for addressing the rumors that LVP had quit the show. It was equally obvious that none of the women actually wanted to be at the wedding, but they were also forced by production.
At this point Camille got so amped up she was practically speaking in tongues. Dorit Language, if you will. It started when Andy mentioned that lunch Camille had with Denise where she just trash-talked everyone, which spiraled into Camille ranting that Denise cusses at her children and called Camille’s daugher a fucking liar. Um, who doesn’t scream at their kids?!
Being the parent that she is Denise suggests Camille take a time-out because this really isn’t a good look for her. Camille responds by accusing Andy and the women of setting her up, then storms off stage literally removing her dress to rip off the mic pack.
OK, I guess that was fairly epic…
TELL US – WERE THE OTHER WOMEN BEING UNFAIR TO CAMILLE? ARE TEDDI AND KYLE TRUE FRIENDS?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]