I’m honestly not surprised the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (led by Kyle and her partner in wine Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave) found a target to replace Lisa Vanderpump and Camille Grammer – I’m actually surprised that target was Erika Girardi. Erika always seems so disconnected and the other women kowtowed by her aloofness, which I suppose, in turn, is why she found herself in the crosshairs of these popularity obsessed middle-aged mean girls the second she opened up a bit.
So alas, here they are in Provence, in a house so luxurious it probably helped spawn the French Revolution, and everyone is wasted mess of bad energy. Kyle and Teddi first ruined dinner the night before (a dinner where 3/4 of the guests ordered Hamburgers “well done,” but “sans pain.” Pain meaning ‘bread’ in French, but probably in the case of Lisa Rinna, pain also meant annoying catty middle school drama.) Teddi and Kyle are upset that Erika Girardi is not upset at Lipsa for using her Halloween costume dressed as Erika Jayne as an opportunity to mouth off to Kim Richards. Who really, if we’re being honest, has pretty much never been short of cunty.
Dinner ended tensely so the next morning Erika comes to breakfast in her signature breakfast sunglasses to avoid speaking to anyone, and blames a drama-induced migraine. Erika often uses health issues to avoid handling people, doesn’t she? My other theory is that Erika’s glam squad has been gluing on prosthetic eyelids in order to support all that makeup and now she can’t let anyone see her eyes without them. Kyle rambles about the wine tasting she has scheduled for today while Erika glowers into her green juice, then everyone flees the table, afraid. The breakfast spreads in Provence are better than the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills outfits this trip, that’s for sure, but I love the lack of ‘glam squad’ hair and makeup.
After breakfast, the women run around the chateau doing things, aka advertising its amenities. There is a squash court where you can knock some sense into your former enemies by causing her to crash headfirst into a wall (ahem Dorit Kemsley). Jogging around the backyard of this chateau burns a lot more calories than Kyle’s Encino backyard. Eventually, Kyle, Lipsa, and Erika stumble into the chapel, which is actually a full-on church. They decide to pray to the God of hypocrites for Camille’s house to have survived the Woolsey fires, although don’t heretics deserve to be burned at the stake?
Meanwhile, in California, Denise Richards‘ house has been almost completely spared, while the houses across the street have burned to ashes. As Denise and Aaron’s drive down the PCH looks like a post-apocalypse movie scene. (A movie where actual acting is required – not something Denise would star in.)
Denise can’t believe how lucky she is, but somewhere else in the canyons the unluckiest woman in the world is crying over her melted silver in what was once her formal dining room. Camille really does have the most horrible luck. Her house, the first one since her divorce, went the way of her marriage: up in smoke, and now once again she must rebuild. Camille, she is resilient AF!
Back in Provence, fires temporarily out, it’s time for the helicopter ride to the vineyard. Kyle is miraculously over her anxieties in order to look rich on a helicopter, but Erika is decidedly less impressed. Obviously, Tom owns 645 helicopters named Cunty 1, Cunty 2, Cunty 3, as part of the “Expensive To Be Me” fleet, so you know this is basically like taking a Uber for her. Poor Teddi her life is so basic she has to drive around in an RV advertising spring break sun poisoning, ergo she’s never been on a helicopter and now Erika is ruining it. You know Kyle thought about faking a panic attack, but then realized she’d ruin her selfie opportunity with the hot French pilot. Even Kyle recognizes that no one in France would be interested by her histrionic tantrums.
They make it to the vineyard in one piece, and then everything falls apart. Erika warns them to utilize the spittoon or they will find themselves very drunk, but isn’t that the point of a wine tasting? It’s budget drunkenness at its best, and where better to do it than in France in front of a sommelier who is unimpressed enough by their antics to be the male Erika Jayne. Sure enough, Erika spends the entire afternoon shrinking into her chair and tossing out barely sipped glasses, pleading migraine and being, in general,
herself a bitter pill. The rest of the women quickly wind up trashed — and then escalate to trashing LVP’s rosè.
Lipsa is all too ready to slap “Rinna Rose” on one of these bottles and give LVP a run for her money in the wine distribution game. Especially because she’s never been a fan of Vanderpump Vino. Lipsa even told LVP she preferred Whispering Angel (cause manners, also cause basic). Inspired by a hustle – her favorite way to burn calories! – Lipsa quickly leaps into action filming a fake QVC bit advertising her potential new wine, and dubbing it better than sex with HarryHamlin. I imagine having sex with HarryHamlin is like getting an anti-cellulite body wrap. Maybe that’s the secret to their marriage?
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Lipsa impersonating LVP quickly evolved into Teddi having the brilliant idea that since Lipsa has already played Erika and LVP, why not impersonate the rest of them as a bonding exercise! Lipsa is hesitant – her ego and esteem still recovering after being lambasted over her Farrahween costume. Kyle and Teddi’s hypocrisy is also not lost on Erika. Lipsa caves by doing a hilarious, silly, and way over-acted rendition of Kyle pretending to see a bee and having a fake anxiety attack. Lipsa basically just ran around the table screaming. Then Kyle decides she wants to prove she’s funny too and starts mocking the way Dorit pronounces her son’s name. Leave it to Kyle to take something lighthearted and make it mean. Of course, Dorit takes herself way too seriously – particularly her image, centered around her phony accent (and money), but Kyle knows this and intentionally targeted a sensitive spot.
“I’m not surprised that you haven’t had an acting job since you were 7 years old,” smarts Dorit. Kyle then mimics the way Teddi walking like a man and waving her claw-like hands around, constantly grasping at air, hoping to find a calorie-free conscience. Kyle even manages to throw in some jabs at Denise (for having wrinkles – blasphemy!) and Camille – ironically for being fake and hypocritical.
But they were all laughing and having fun – even Erika – until it came time for Kyle to impersonate her. Suddenly Erika didn’t want to play. Suddenly Erika’s invisible (metaphorical?) panties got in a bunch and she stiffened up as Kyle did a dead-on Erika Girardi (not Jayne!) of Erika holding up her hand and saying “I’m done” in that too cool tone she affects, feigning indifference.
Then the party is over and they head back to the chateau in cars. Lipsa and Erika get into one car, and blandly recount how much fun they had before climbing into different rows of seats to take a nap. Meanwhile, Kyle, Teddi, and Dorit crack open another bottle of wine and complain about how boring Erika is – drunk or sober; Jayne or Girardi. And, despite spending the better part of the afternoon doing mocking impersonations of their friends, Kyle and Teddi can’t let it go that Erika wasn’t offended by Lipsa playing her for Halloween. GIVE. ME. A. BREAK.
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By dinnertime, Kyle and Teddi are still wasted, but instead of sobering up they keep drinking. Teddi definitely drunk-n-dressed and the result is something I wore in my early ’00’s sorority days. You know what I’m talking about ladies of a certainly fabulous age!
Dorit actually didn’t annoy me at all this episode! Other than her ostentatious totally borrowed $6k McQueen dinner dress (Which she so had to wear as a product endorsement), she was cute and low-key. I loved her PJs, and I relate to her excitement over passion fruit, which is so difficult to obtain here in the US.
Dinner started out so nice. Teddi and Kyle explain that their close bond stems from both having chaotic, unstable childhoods which is why they’re such control freaks. Dorit, however, thinks Kyle treats Teddi like a doll, or more accurately another sister – one she can control. Which is the opposite of Kyle’s relationships with Kim, Kathy Hilton, or LVP where Kyle is the little sister, and constantly under their thumbs. With Teddi, Kyle holds the power. She also loans Teddi clothes, does her hair and makeup, gives her opinions…. “Eventually they’re just gonna morph into one person,” Dorit observes, and as it stands they are also sharing a brain (they already share grasping claw hands!).
Inspired by Teddi and Kyle’s closeness Erika reveals that she finally feels like she can open up to a group of women and form true friendships without them being jealous or competitive. Kyle and Erika blame all the previous tension in the group on LVP, because like all misogynists Erika blames all her problems connecting with women on other women – not on herself.
But not so fast with the kumbaya, Erika! Get those guards back up because here come Kyle and Teddi bringing up Farrahween again, and adding that Erika doesn’t seem connected to their group. They argue that she doesn’t even seem to enjoy spending time with them. Um, who would? Lipsa tries to mediate, but you know: drinks will spill logic.
The problem is that Kyle and Teddi are just so f–king wasted, and literally acting like Tweedle Dumb & Tweedle Drunk. Basically, they’re Real Housewives Of New York level trashed, and their true feelings are coming out, unbotoxed. Erika can’t take any criticism to her fragile ego (sort of like LVP, actually, so maybe they dislike each other because they’re so similar too!), so she leaves the table in a huff claiming she’s being “a little bit bullied” and goes to bed.
Dorit doesn’t understand why Teddi and Kyle keep pestering Erika about something that obviously isn’t an issue to her, or Lipsa, and it seems suspicious to her. Now she’s probably seeing what LVP saw… So Dorit quickly heads to bed too, leaving Lipsa to deal with Kyle and Teddi. First Lipsa instructs Kyle to go find Erika and apologize, but Erika doesn’t feel like talking to a wasted person rolling around on her bed in an ill-fitting lingerie top and decides it’s better to wait until morning.
Teddi sobs about carrying the heavy burden of being “the moral compass” of their friend group, and therefore it’s her duty to reveal that Erika is fake and has no interest in a real friendship with her. Now Erika is also manipulating Teddi, but Lipsa, after many years on soaps is a professional at this, and quickly turns it around that Teddi sees herself in Erika – particularly her need to make sure everyone is OK at the expense of her own feelings. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! In reality, Teddi forces everyone to be subjected to her feelings and opinions, at the expense of their own feelings and options, but anything to get Teddi to go away and to bed.
According to Teddi, these women force her to be accountable for all of them because she’s an accountability coach, but Lipsa explains that this is only Teddi’s perception. Teddi needs Friendship For Dummies, and also a therapist who doesn’t like long walks at the beach in full glam.
I do love Dr. Lisa Rinna, though! I also have renewed faith in Lipsa’s parenting after seeing the way she calmly handled these teenaged nightmares of grown women. However seeing the way Kyle handled Trashddi, I have less faith than ever in her parenting! Before Lipsa goes to bed she even checks on Erika, who is still confused about why, after all these years, Teddi and Kyle just can’t accept her as she is: a frigid uptight woman who uses her own alter ego to confront her issues with others.
Just when everyone thinks they’re safe from Kyleddi, Kyle and Teddi burst into Dorit’s room, and Kyle starts dry-humping Dorit in bed. Dorit was jerked awake, confused, thinking she had left PK at home only to find Kyle straddling her and Teddi trying to eat potato chips out of her hair.
Then Teddi barges in on Lipsa while she’s taking a bath to cry that she can’t find Kyle. Teddi has drunk wings though. You know what I mean – when you’re wasted and your friends are trying to keep you controlled, but you are everywhere, like a toddler, getting into everything – even potato chips. Kyle finally locates Teddi downstairs, and practically carries her up to bed – literally ripping chips out of her hands along the way, because we needed more proof that Kyle is evil. Except Teddi, with her supersonic trashed person strength, keeps fighting to get out of bed, like a jack in the box, that Kyle shoves her down repeatedly.
Will Teddi succeed in escaping Kyle’s clutches and getting her own opinions (and potato chips?!) Or is Teddi permanently under Kyle’s spell because she’s putting voodoo in the makeup she lets Teddi borrow… Only time – and next season’s reunion – will tell!
TELL US – IS ERIKA FAKE, OR ARE TEDDI AND KYLE TRYING TO STIR UP A COCKTAIL CALLED TROUBLE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]