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I don’t even know what to say about last night’s absolutely insane episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills except is Taylor on diet pills or crack cocaine? And was she seriously SERIOUSLY trying to stage a cast-wide mutiny against Lisa? Denile may be the longest river in Egypt, but Delusion is the longest road to crazytown.

Kyle meets Kim’s boyfriend Ken… and Kyle is not impressed – before she notices what could possibly be a wedding band! Kim explains it is only a promise ring (high school, much?). One reason Kyle is not happy with this relationship is that Kim’s kids have told her Ken is very controlling. Controlling or not, Kim is happy and for the first time in her life doing something she wants to do. Kyle, like the rest of us, will have to wait and see. So far, things aren’t looking good as apparently Ken is still active on Match.com. Oops!

When Kyle tells Mauricio about Kim’s surprise boyfriend, he’s pretty non-plused, but shocked she was able to keep it a secret for so long. Kyle decides she is going to borrow a trick her mom Big Kathy used when she didn’t like one of her daughter’s boyfriends – ignore him completely! That’s just what she plans to do about this whole Ken thing. Um…Kyle – remember YOU ARE NOT KIM’S MOTHER! (sorry – I think she deserved to be yelled at!)

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Adrienne and Paul go out for dinner to celebrate his birthday and after the requisite bickering over anything they can find to argue about we catch a glimpse of what is maybe (hopefully) their real lovey-dovey feelings for each other. And I’m sorry but I was too distracted by Adrienne’s make up – why is she wearing 80’s Barbie lipstick?! Adrienne mentions that Taylor confessed Russell has gotten physical with her in the past. Paul is unconvinced and doesn’t quite believe Taylor’s allegations. Adrienne looks doubtful herself, but doesn’t know what to think as what she sees is very different from Taylor describes.

And in Taylor-land she is nominated for some sort of Women in Business award which she was nominated for at the behest of Bravo for storyline purposes for her role as Chief Creative Director of Beauty Ticket.com. Has anyone heard of this company? Yeah, I didn’t think so! Russell seems very proud of his wife and wants to hang the flier in his office. Taylor decided to snub Lisa for having her number pegged by invited all of her co-stars, including Pam, except for Lisa! Poor Lisa didn’t know she was being excluded until she called Kyle to remind her about tea and Kyle accidentally spilled the beans.

At the table Kyle reveals she told Lisa about the event because she didn’t know Lisa wasn’t invited. Taylor doesn’t care because Lisa doesn’t like her anyways! Everyone else seems a little concerned by Taylor’s actions, except Pam supports her fellow grifter’s attempts to rise a few notches in the pecking order.

Taylor informs us that she believes Lisa is trying to turn people against her and she doesn’t want to put up with her backhanded compliments and sarcasm. Also Taylor wanted her “core group” of friends around her during this time. Adrienne finds Taylor’s behavior passive aggressive. Ditto!

A clearly hurt Lisa tells Ken that she has been excluded and admits she is both hurt and surprised. Ken suggests Lisa go to the event anyway. Yes, Lisa could just burst in and say: “Oh hello dahling – sorry I’m late! Wonderful of you to invite me. Oh, and congratulations. Pity you didn’t win. Next year perhaps!” And leaving us on the edge of our seats, Lisa announces two can play this game!

Lisa is hosting a casual tea. Which means drama cesspool of cray-cray mixed with Jerry Springer fighting! You know, just another Bravo sponsored Housewives event! Lisa has invited Taylor despite the snub, and unbeknownst to her Taylor is planning a coup! But Lisa has planned a sabotage of her own as she is not interested in tit-for-tat, but instead prefers directness when handing insubordinates.

Kyle, Adrienne, and Camille arrive and everyone is in a great mood. The ladies discuss Camille’s on-going divorce trouble. Poor Camille. After toasting to staying strong, Lisa casually wonders – since it is a casual tea – if anyone else received a confusing and odd email from Russell? Actually everyone received an emailed magazine article about Taylor being too thin and taking diet pills – which according to the ladies is odd. Why is someone so thin on diet pills? Yet another story of Taylor’s that doesn’t quite add up…

Kyle fills everyone in on the Kim drama, prompting Lisa to call and see if Kim will be gracing them with her presence. Nope Kim is eternally moving. How much stuff does this lady have?! Lisa doesn’t know why they bother inviting Kim anymore, as she is the queen of excuses!

And finally Taylor arrives late, the wicked queen needs to make her entrance! Things are instantly on edge and then finally Lisa casually asks about Taylor’s event. Awwwwkkwaard. Then Lisa, casually, wonders why she was not invited and expresses her displeasure over being excluded. She also reminds Taylor that she included her in Pandora’s engagement party despite Russell screwing over Mohammed.

Taylor, who has clearly come with a vendetta, immediately retaliates by saying she invited her “friends” and Lisa better remember that their last two conversations began with “You are not my friend.” Not true, counters Lisa, reminding her of the facts. Taylor then accuses Lisa of trying to help her so she will look like a saint! Lisa wants to know why Taylor is here if she clearly cannot stand her and they are clearly not friends? Duh – because she was invited and who turns down free booze?

Then Taylor starts going all Oklahoma on Lisa for not wanting to be friends and attempting to make other people hate her. Then she attempts to rope Camille into the conversation by insisting she mistreats Camille as well – Camille is like uhhh…’check yourself before you wreck yourself, Oklahoma!’ Taylor accuses Lisa of treating her so poorly it is “embarrassing!”

Taylor wants to know why Lisa is talking about her at all and Lisa is like ‘ Hello! We all talk about each other!’ Taylor calls Lisa manipulative, phony, and two-faced; and everyone is afraid to confront her. Taylor… look in the mirror before you start throwing out words like phony!

Taylor demands Lisa stop stirring the pot and then stepping away form the fire! And then basically begs Lisa to like her, sobbing about how she has kissed Lisa’s ass and bent over backwards to form a friendship with Lisa and become close to her while Lisa has rebuffed her time and time again making her feel like a fool. But why is Taylor so hell bent on being BFFs with the very wealthy Lisa??? Oh never mind, that was a rhetorical question!

None of this is making sense! After claiming Lisa Vanderjudgement is breaking her heart, giving her severe anxiety, and constantly making her feel bad about herself, Taylor explains her life is tough enough without Lisa ruining it some more. Oh but be my bestie – plllleeeessse! Are we sure Kim is the one who needs psych drugs? Taylor finishes by sobbing: “If you can’t be my friend just please don’t be my enemy!” she demands. How long did our academy award winning actress practice that line?

Taylor further begins to unravel; telling the ladies her life is falling apart she needs strong women around her. I have to say Lisa was quite calm during all of this, apologizing for hurting her but admitting Russell caused strain in their relationship initially. When Taylor couldn’t get Lisa to break, her accusations seemed to become more and more outlandish. Taylor seems to use ‘woe is me’ melodrama to manipulate and gain control in situations.

The entire thing was bizarre and frankly as frightening as Scary Island! Lisa explains that though she and Taylor are not close, but she was scared for her and genuinely wanted to help her! Adrienne attempts to defend Taylor by telling Lisa the way she says things are hurtful. Taylor then admits she wants to be Adrienne, or Lisa, or Camille – but she’s not, she just a wannabe. This was all so very sad.

Camille believes Taylor was on a mission and going in for the kill. After the totally honest in every way Taylor accuses Lisa of not knowing how to define “friend” and offering to give her a lesson, she decides she is going to rally the troops to let Lisa know what everyone really thinks of her and her out of control ego! Apparently having a screen saver which features a photo of yourself makes you an egomaniac. Good to know – I should take that family photo down since I’m in it and all! Kyle surprisingly backs Taylor up by saying Lisa is egotistical. After realizing everyone thinks she is a few pearls short of a Chanel chain, Taylor stalks out and commandeers an innocent Paul at Lisa’s front gate.

Poor Paul is just looking for Adrienne and instead he is stuck playing counselor while Taylor accuses his wife of being a spineless gossip who is afraid of Lisa for refusing to participate in Taylor’s mean girl stunt of ganging up on Lisa like they promised her they would! “The Giggy is up!” AHAHAHA – not! Apparently Taylor is the only person who is honest here. Oh the irony of that statement…

Meanwhile the other ladies are processing the meltdown they just witnessed. Lisa is very upset Kyle did not defend her. Everyone agrees Taylor is either a liar or completely in denial about her relationship, but no one is sure what to believe as Russell has always been down to earth and “lovely” in front of them. Camille tells the story of Taylor having a three-hour lunch at her house where she revealed Russell is leaving her and she needed a place to stay, only to leave Camille’s house smiling and preparing to go on vacation with Russell! Mixed message, indeed!

Taylor has apparently been doing this to everyone, which is creating doubts about what sort of person Taylor is (ahem… grifter!). Kyle thinks perhaps Taylor is eggagerating her marital issues just like she exaggerates her monetary wealth and Lisa feels those accusations are horrific – particularly if it’s untrue! Lisa calls it – things aren’t adding up and she wants to know if anyone believes Taylor’s claims? I think the short answer is looking like no!

After a quick plastic surgery consultation through the fence, Taylor returns and barges into the middle of Taylor-fest! Camille tries to salvage the situation claiming they are processing what just happened. Camille explains it was an unexpected intervention that was possibly needed. Taylor is very confused about how everyone hating Lisa turned into talking about her marriage!

Kyle demands Taylor not to f*ck with her and start trying to twisting things again! Dang, I love Kyle when she gets all no nonsense and ghetto fab! Taylor is highly incensed that no one is backing her up and starts going at Lisa again over calling people to say she wasn’t friends with Camille or something. At this point – stick a fork in me, cause I’m done with Loony Lips!

Lisa is adamant that it was just happenstance that she was talking about Camille and Taylor’s relationship and not meant perniciously as she and Camille speak every few days. Taylor wants to know why Lisa needs Camille to back her up if it’s not a lie?

Camille is finally like ‘bish please. What are you on?’ and reveals she told everyone about Taylor confiding in her that her marriage was over. A shocked Taylor now has no idea who her friends are. After all of this she starts lecturing people on honesty and requests that no one talk about her behind her back, but she still wants to be friends with Lisa!

And Camille, shockingly, steps up – warning Taylor to tread carefully because she is the one who hasn’t been honest! Lisa echos that they are all protecting her by not revealing what she tells them about what goes in her marriage. Wow!

Next Week: Camille storms out over Taylor’s dishonest. Taylor turns her back on her friendship with Camille at Kennedy’s birthday party.

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Adrienne and China Chow – who is drinking beer from a straw! Adrienne apparently has her own shoe line now. Adrienne reveals no one thought the tea party was going to be a “Lisa-vention.” Adrienne also reveals no one wanted to “out” Taylor’s situation and that led to Camille comments.

China is split; explaining she doesn’t have a side between Lisa and Taylor. Adrienne does not want to answer a question about Lisa changing since last season; and feels she has always been opinionated. She also did not know people were talking about Lisa behind her back.

China used to date Mark Wahlberg! And he doesn’t like nipple pinching! Adrienne is so very sweet and humble seeming. Adrienne also has some non-comments about Kim’s boyfriend, Ken. And apparently you just have to get to know him.

And then Marilyn Manson calls (?!) in to disclose his crush on China! Who looks repulsed! The game is “Werq of Art” basically WWHL Pictionary. China wins! And Dr. Paul gives Tramona a plastic surgery consultation.

Poll Question: Whose side are you on: Taylor or Lisa? Lisa wins in a landslide!

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? DID TAYLOR MAKE SOME FAIR POINTS ABOUT LISA OR WAS SHE COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE? DO YOU THINK LISA’S EGO IS OUT OF CONTROL? ARE YOU SURPRISED BY CAMILLE’S REVELATIONS ABOUT TAYLOR’S MARRIAGE?

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