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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra Barney got her titties (not to be confused with tits) reduced, Vicki Gunvalson ran like the devil from a white trash harlot itching for a fight. Gretchen Rossi‘s singing caused me to pause the television so I could belly laugh for approximately five minutes. And Heather Dubrow hosted a bowling party … which got quite dramatic.

Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.

Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.

Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).

Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?

One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.

Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.

Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.

Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.

Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!

Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?

Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.

Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.

And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.

At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.

Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.

Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.

He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.

Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.

Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!

Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.

And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.

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And it’s the night of the bowling party, otherwise known as Sarah appears and makes everyone side eye. Heather envisions champagne and caviar, but it’s more like Boones Farm and Cheetos. Sarah Winchester and Kurt arrive – even though Heather did not invite them. Bravo did.

Next comes Gretchen with a fake scratchy voice, cause it is really strained from practicing her scales. How many times can Gretchen say Pussycat Dolls in one night? And no champs for her – she’ll have tea. Apparently Sarah drank Gretchen’s share. And Slave‘s. Then Vicki and Brooks arrive. Everyone says hello and Vicki reminds us she hasn’t spoken to Gretchen since duh, duh, duh… Bunco night.

Heather, demonstrating effective crisis management, puts Vicki and Gretchen in separate lanes. Heather also demos her best shit talking and despite her airs, I like her. The best part was Vicki falling on her ass and showing her butt crack as Slave helped her up. It was nice of him to help a muppet in despair.

Gretchen complains to Sarah about Vicki and Vicki can hear them, but wisely ignores. Sarah tries to get Gretchen to confront Vicki, but she has to save her voice. Vicki and Brooks instead talk to Terry and really they are like the Lifetime Movie Network soundbite gallery. They live in a bad romance novel cliche. Terry listens with care, like a good doctor, and inquires about Briana.

Vicki admits to us that she over-reacted at Bunco and she wants to talk to Gretchen but now is not the time. Instead she’s going to be peaceable. But not drunk-ass Sarah Winchester of Winterchester Rifle. You may have heard of them – they’re run out of a trailer park and they scratch the serial numbers off guns and re-sell them on the militia circuit.

Sarah sidles up in her Flashdance top and plops down next to Vicki, champagne flutes and unregistered pistols blazing, and demands they have a chat. Cheeto to Cheeto. Sarah is a complete slurring drunk-ass mess and Vicki knows a woo hoo moment gone wrong when she sees one and bails.

Sarah looks like she has lice to me. She is making demands that Vicki get back here and talk to her like Vicki is her wayward child who won’t come inside for dinner. Vicki is like, ‘whatevs bitch, go get some RID’. How much champagne did Sarah trashbox drink? She was obviously taking advantage of the expensive champagne – which is a far cry from the Cook’s Brut she usually guzzles in the back of Kurt‘s pick-up.

I love that Vicks walked away, and was like no – this is ridiculous and I am not fighting with your drunk, tawdry ass. Sarah keeps following Vicki whining and begging, “Vishki caiiii talks tuh yous? Why youse bein ruwwd?” Dang, if you’re gonna act all white trash, don’t do it at a bowling alley of all places!

Heather tries to rationalize with Sarah, then Gretchen does, but neither can get through the alcohol. Heather’s impersonation of Sarah was priceless and hilarious! While Heather tries to diffuse Sarah, Terry went out back to call his lawyers to get out of this Bravo contract as he saw his legitimate business and good image taking a nosedive after being associated with this psychotic show.

Vicki thought it was nice that Gretch defended her, but it was wasted words as Sarah tries again to engage her. Vicki suggests meeting when Sarah has stepped away from the drinks. Terry explains since Sarah is drunk and you know, nuts, it’s not a good time, but Sarah disagrees. Heather, adept at handling wayward children in the throes of a tantrum, interrupts with a succinct, “We’re done – time for awards.” That’s it – distract them with presents and shiny things. Sarah should get one for most likely to get a DUI on the way home.

But Vicki wins for best fending off a drunk tactics. Sarah is then rude to Heather and claims she is the “sacrificial lamb” of the group. Which makes no sense. Poor Heather, poor Terry. Heather points out that while Alexis is dumb; Sarah is crazy. And hey, looking on the bright side at least Vicki and Gretchen got along!

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? AND SARAH? SHOULD SHE STAY OR GO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH JIM BELLINO?

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