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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies went “glamping.” Apparently this is a thing. I feel deprived that I’ve never heard of it. Well, except for the 32,000 times I’ve watched Troop Beverly Hills. Too bad no Red Feathers jumped out of the bushes to steal their wine!

Things start out with Vicki Gunvalson paying a visit to her formerly big-boobed friend Tamra Barney. Poor little Tammie Sue is just that – little; as in now her boobs barely exist. Vicki is disappointed Tamra has gone for the Big R (reduction). And warns her those new itty-bitty things she stuck on her chest with the new itty-bitty dime-sized nipples were a mistake, namely because who wants to look, you know, like they have normal sized boobs and lose feeling in their nipples.

Tamra questions Vicki about the fight with Sarah Winterchester, of the Beaumont Winterchesters, of the boot-leg handgun smuggling operation. She’s a direct descendant of the other Sarah Winterchester – who had no children, didn’t you know? Anyway, Vicki tells Tamra that Sarah is crazy and Alexis Bellino, of all people, called her about it. Tamra is flummoxed and if her boobs weren’t tightly bound with sixteen layers of ace bandage, her nipples would have perked up like little antenna on alert for weirdness. See, Vicki hates Alexis – she’s dumb! And Vicki called Jim Bellino a “smelly dork.” #truth.  Vicki is apparently changing her tune about ol ‘Lex – and defends their friendship by explaining, “You can’t fix stupid.” Ok, then!

Tamra thinks Vicki is befriending Alexis out of spite because she became friends with Gretchen Rossi. And Tamra just wants Vicki to know she sees right through her schemes – which are as transparent as those of her own. Birds of a feather, ladies, birds of a feather…

So glamping is happening. Glamping is glamorous camping. A rare and special art-form invented and perfected by Phyllis Nefler – my Queen, and, I imagine, many of yours. Who else thinks Heather Dubrow fancies herself a bit of a grown-up Chica Barnfell?

Alexis is stuffing marshmallows into ziplock bags with her glammy, turned assistant, turned post-op nurse, turned hanger-on-famewhore, turned friend, Shannon. Not that I think their relationship is suspect or anything. Shannon is twittering about how cute and fun this trip is going to be and how Alexis is amazing for pulling it all together – nose job and all! Is this the longest nose job recovery in recorded history or what?

Apparently, Alexis is still not allowed to bend over, but she can go glamping if she brings someone – not a nurse – just someone with her in case her nose starts to bleed. So if Shannon sees blood she has to rush over to wipe it. I’m sure there’s some spare Alexis Couture handy.

Also, glamping: Heather, Vicki, Briana, and possibly Gretchen. Tamra, is unfortunately, also recovering from plastic surgery and is forced to stay home. Although Tamra would rather have major surgery than be stuck in the woods with Alexis, so something tells me Bravo wouldn’t have been able to convince her to go no matter what! Unless there was some cabin pranking happening, ala The Parent Trap!

Eddie visits Tamra at home. The finger he broke on the mud rug is now set in some sort of epic cast. Poor Eddie. Through it all he is carrying a massive vase of flowers – that neither he nor Tamra are allowed to really be lifting so they do this awkward, unnerving, juggling thing to transport it to the coffee table. Tamra’s house is a little depressing – she needs some decor and some paint.

Tamra whips out her old implants (which she is handily using as ice bags) to show Eddie just how huge her knockers once were! I so knew she was going to save those puppies – and I so bet she sent them to Simon as a final parting gift. She probably threw them in the envelope with the signed divorce papers. And that is why I love Tamra – she totally knows how weird she is. Tamra stacks both boobie bags on top of each other to demonstrate that is how big one of Alexis‘ boobs are – holy wazoo!

Eddie tells her the new chest looks beautiful and natural – and a lot less hooker/stripper than than the old one. And they both honk the newbies for a test-drive.

Meanwhile, Gretchen is preparing for glamping with a special packing list Slave Smiley has prepared for her. Again, he doesn’t work for her. He’s just doing what a “supportive partner” does. Cook, clean, micro-manage, secretarial duties, grunt labor….  Slave doesn’t want Gretchen to go glamping, and he really doesn’t even want her to talk. He so just doesn’t want to hear her voice. He insists she text him with her needs and wants. Again, he doesn’t work for her.

Gretchen wants to go cause it would mean so much to Alexis. On the other hand she has this chance of a lifetime Pussycat Dolls Performance coming up and her voice is still hoarse and raspy. You know, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Gretchen as no one, ever again, would hire her to sing.

Slave still doesn’t think she should go citing it’s his job to make sure she is rested and ready to go for the PCD – it’s his only responsibility, in fact. Hey, he said it – not me! Gretchen agrees she’ll stay home and not talk. Just a reminder: He doesn’t work for her.

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And finally the ladies all meet at Vicki‘s house to go glamping. Things start off awkwardly between Heather and Alexis when Heather abruptly decides she’ll go in the “smart car” ala the one not containing Alexis. The smart car has Vicki and Briana who talk normal people things. In the other car (I am hesitant to say “dumb”, being as I don’t really know Shannon and I’m trying not to judge her based solely on the company she keeps) a dance party erupts. Until Alexis has to ice her nose from too much headbanging.

Once in the wilds, they are reassured to realize there is shopping. Wilderness shopping, but at least there be wine. Alexis and Heather begin the unwieldy process of trying to understand each other. Which Alexis believes consists of competitive money flashing and attempting to relate to Heather by describing her odd habits – like renting. <<shudder>> Heather seems to think it’s her duty to correct Alexis and offer her some mothering, albeit condescending, advice. Which isn’t a bad idea – except Alexis believes herself to be a fully functioning adult.

At the store, they snipe at each other over ordering dinner, which will be delivered to their cabins so they can cook it over their firepits. The ladies are scared. None of them can cook. None of them want to! This is a vacation! Then Alexis and Heather have a small face-off at the wine cooler, when Heather – whom I can practically imagine with reading glasses perched on her nose – peruses the labels and is aghast to realize she’s never heard of any of these! What kind of low-rent place did Alexis drag them to?!

The cabins are adorable. In each cabin, Alexis has left little notes which read: “With our crazy lives, our time is dire…” and just so you know the last word of the poem is “fire.” Apparently “dire” was the only word she could come up with that rhymed. But unfortunately it’s kind of not the right word. Poor Lex – she obviously couldn’t find the thesaurus app on her iPhone. I thought she went to college, but mistakes happen – right Vicks? She flubbergasted it or fluggered it, or oh whatever!

Alexis is very excited about glamping because she thinks it will give people the opportunity to see how down to earth she is. Even though she’s trying to reach the heavens and Jesus up there with her every cosmetic surgery and wine guzzle. Right after talking about being down to earth, Alexis expresses concern over the bathroom being too small to house her extensive make-up collection.

The ladies reconvene after Alexis calls the lodge for a wine opener – that’s a necessity when braving the wilds with Alexis’ rambling and Vicki, well, being Vicki! The girls chat about life and somehow the conversation turns to Alexis and Jim trying to by a house but the deal falling through. They’ve been renting for two years, which Jesus condones apparently, but Heather does not. She starts advising Alexis on the real estate market, but really she must have forgotten that Alexis doesn’t worry her little brain about such matters – her husband, king and master, is in charge of the like, living stuff, and he’s like really, really smart about the market. Right. Heather wonders why, if Alexis is as rich as she purports to be, she doesn’t she own a home? That’s a fancy way of Heather saying she knows Alexis and Jim are broke scam artists!

By the fire, everything is going wonderfully. Alexis calls the front desk on speed-dial about dinner about 67 times, Vicki apologizes to Alexis for judging. Oh, oh…wait?! What?! Yes – VICKI APOLOGIZED! (caps necessary for dramatic effect). Well, knock me over with a feather! She apologized for being a judgey-mcjudgerson and for all the ish she talked about Slave. And she plans to talk to Gretchen about this and do at least 50% of the work to get their relationship in a better place. Alexis was very sweet in accepting Vicki’s apology.

I have to admit, deep down I sorta like Lex. She gave everyone those infinity scarves, which she picked out to fit everyone’s personality and they really did suit the recipients. She just needs to relax and not always try to prove her worth by talking fast and over people.

Finally, dinner arrives. Heather and Vicki squabble about lighting the fire – these two are peas in a controlling, micro-managing, bossy pod. Alexis starts to panic and almost orders pizza, which really frosts Heather’s cookies. They eat dinner. Alexis calls the lodge 88 more times about the trash before dumping it in the woods and running away. And then they see a skunk!

Oh, why wasn’t it a honey badger?! With Randall’s voice; to leap out of the woods and say: “These women are crazy! Look there’s Vicki with her infinity scarf and her video camera! Uh-oh! Too bad no one told her infinity scarves are a Honey Badger’s favorite food – especially when they have BBQ sauce on them! Watch out!”

The next morning, Vicki quizzes Briana about facebook and why she changed her status to “In A Relationship” when Vicki hasn’t met him yet, which is ironic considering Briana hasn’t met Brooks yet. Vicki is trying her best not to demand Briana get this new BF on Facetime so she can meet him right away. Briana admits she’s intentionally keeping things from Vicki.

The ladies get breakfast and Heather orders the equivalent of non-food. Lettuce wraps, with turkey, mustard, and tomato. SO BORING. I was dying. How can people eat that way? And then they discuss the price of diamonds and getting them appraised and insured. Apparently Alexis often wears a fake ring while her real ring is safely tucked away. Uh-huh. A likely story. Although I get it, the ring you were married in has a special meaning – and it was kind of sweet.

Heather doesn’t understand. Why would you wear a fake ring? Alexis also tells them she must live in a gated community because the very second she moved from one she was robbed. Oh stoppit.

Driving home, Heather has been relegated to the other car, where Alexis regales her with a list of all the expensive cars she and Jim own. They have a Bentley, and a Rolodex, and a Masserati, and a flying carpet, and a that one that was in the Flintstones, and a…  And Heather is like, ‘How many people drive in your house? Two? Ok, bitch – stop trying to show off because no one cares how many cars you lease. Now back to talking about how amazing I am and how wonderful Terry and myself are for driving a Prius.’

Not glamping, was a distraught Gretchen. Who is meeting with yet another voice coach to figure out why she can’t carry a tune in a Gretchen Christine Handbag. Who else believes Robin Antin would have never, ever invited Gretch to perform in a world renowned dance troupe if she wasn’t part of a sort-of renowned reality show?

Nevertheless, Gretchen shows up at this new person’s studio wearing god-knows what. Some sort of children’s suit vest that went out of style approximately 5 years ago. And she’s limping. From her mud race accident. All these incidental issues – the too conveniently developed rasp that is also intermittent and now the limp – lead me to believe that Gretchen is hoping this thing falls-through because she knows she can neither sing nor dance!

At the studio, she can’t even get through “Fever.” The vocal coach is like, ‘Oh poop – what the eff?!’ and even lowers the range for her.

Driving back home, Gretchen, suddenly not rasping, proceeds to rip into Slave about how this is all his fault. And Vicki‘s! If HE wouldn’t have done that comedy routine, she wouldn’t have yelled at Vicki and would be sounding like Jennifer Hudson up there on the PCD stage, but now… . NOW she might have to quit, cause she can’t sing. WAAAH!

And that’s it. We made it through another episode of the crazy ladies in California who have let tanning destroy all semblance of rationale.

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? WOULD YOU GLAMP? TEAM ALEXIS OR TEAM HEATHER? SHOULD GRETCHEN STOP TRYING TO SING AND JUST RESORT TO LIP SYNCING?

 

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