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Well, I have to recap the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion, don’t I? Cause at this point I don’t think there’s much left to say except #BlackBabyGate is still rearing its ugly head, Phaedra Parks really doesn’t know (or want to admit) what Apollo Nida‘s job is, She by SheBroke is a complete idiot. Oh! And Marlo Hampton called Kim Zolciak a whore! Yeah, that happened, indeed it did! Whew – what a moment. What. A. Moment.

Really, we could skip all the other parts and go straight to that, because it’s the only part that really truly matters. It went a little like this: Marlo walks out, rocking pin-straight hair and a dress with shoulders constructed from a bathmat (Project Runway challenge?). She sat down, said no one liked her once she became friends with NeNe Leakes, copped to her charges, denied having her bills paid by Mr. Ted Turner, confirmed she still had a lot of work to do learning etiquette, and then she came out with it. Kim, you’re a whore! Apparently this was in response to something Kim said on the show about Marlo being an escort (which is all but proven fact at this point) with a large ladyhole. All class, no trash!

Frankly, I couldn’t believe it. Marlo just came out and said it – ‘Oh, I think we’re cut from the same cloth… you know, cheap polyester, maybe nylon – oh, wait no… No, we’re not. I’m cut from 10-ply cashmere and you – you’re a whore. You’re just some cheap acrylic. Google my charges! Cause prison uniforms are totally made from luxurious fibers.’

Marlo had it all planned out – she was practically reading a script NeNe had written for her and handily printed up on Gucci stationary; except I really don’t think NeNe was involved in this – nor Bravo, for once – I think Marlo acted as the lone honey badger. Vicious, crazy, and totally entertaining in a sadistic way. That being said – she needs to leave the show. And really, really study that etiquette manual. Like, non-stop. And Kim should be her study partner.

So, Marlo prances out and somehow gets into a screaming fight with Kim about who’s a whore and who’s an escort. It turns out that now that Kim is married, she’s neither a whore nor an escort and that whole Big Poppa charade never happened. Seriously- anytime anyone brings it up she points to her ring and says she’s a married woman now. Ok, but like Marlo said, she used to be a home-wrecking harlot flaunting it on TV and loving every minute of it; waving that big ol’ rock around! So she was basically a whore, but really Marlo: Pot meet Kettle.

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Somewhere in the middle of it the ladies start arguing about measuring each other’s holes? Holes what? Yes, like down there holes because this is apparently the test of whom is the bigger whore. Really, that was disgraceful and it was one of the few times I’ve seen Andy Cohen both speechless and disgusted, without being bemused. I speak for America when I say that was revolting – and Kroy Biermann should have walked right out on that stage and ripped up Kim‘s contract before hauling her off to charm school. Marlo is a lost cause, clearly. It sounds like both these ladies need some vaginal rejuvenation surgery, though. Next season’s storyline!

Speaking of Kim‘s ring, Marlo straight up accused Kim of trading in her Big Poppa ring and then paying the difference on her new ring. Yep – Marlo said Kim bought her own ring because Kroy couldn’t afford it. She also complimented Kim by saying at least she married for love this time. HA! AHAHA! That really was priceless and I thought Kim’s head was going to blow-up and we’d have a smoking weave on her hands. Remember Fem Bots from Austin Powers and when they would explode? I was expecting Kim to spontaneous combust over this.

I was really worried, given Kim‘s pregnancy and I think she probably should have used the RHW reunion rite of passage and walked off set. She’s never done it has she? No one did at this reunion! Did Andy issue a moratorium?

Things continue with the escort/whore drama until it turns into how Kim‘s rented house actually contains a lot of rented furniture. Kim’s landlady happens to be a friend of Marlo‘s who has, apparently, been throwing ol’ Weavziack shade all over town. Well, that was lovely. Lets move on, shall we?

Lets go back to the beginning – I had to get the most crazy out of the way first. Things opened with Peter Thomas and Cynthia Bailey discussing their marriage and their third wheel, NeNe. So old Papa Smurf… apparently he likes being compared to Papa Smurf because he has mad paper. Which is something Peter wishes he had.

Peter is completely nonplussed about having a relationship with Malorie. Cynthia seems to think she’s putting her footdown with the whole thing all whilst making non-stop excuses for Peter. Peter claims he wasn’t being mean to Mal at the anniversary party – he was just having fun. He also insists he left the Bailey Agency Opening because he was “tired” – t00 tired to tell his wife he was leaving? Too tired to send a text message? Did he evaporate? #BS

NeNe agrees that Mal should stop butting in where Peter and Cynthia‘s marriage is concerned. Peter reiterates that he loves his wife very much and blames editing for making their marriage look worse than it is. NeNe insists that she has never FLIRT-TED with PeeeeeeTRRRRR they’re just friends, Cynthia likes it, and the smalls were just starting a rumor to make her look bad.

Moving on, the other hubs take the stage. Kroy looked like a high school yearbook photo circa 1985 and was all side-parted, slicked down hair and a buttoned up striped shirt. That man has the personality of a lampshade, doesn’t he? He intones about how Kim never wears a wig at home and isn’t anything like the chain-smoking, wine guzzling weirdo we’ve all come to know and love because it’s all an act to secure her television fame. I hate when they say they’re nothing like we see on TV – this is REALITY TELEVISION don’t openly admit you’re completely acting for the cameras. Let us live in our delusions. That being said S1 Kim was still a wack-a-doo crazy, but beweavable about it and I mourn her.

Kroy talks the NeNe/Kim fall-out and sums it up as boringly as possible by saying friendships come and go. Honestly the entire time he and Apollo were on stage I was focusing on everyone’s shoes to avoid falling asleep. I can’t believe Andy didn’t do the shoe-shots. NeNe‘s heels looked insane and I wanted a close-up.

Phaedra talks donkey bootys, on which she is an expert. Possibly the only expert. And here comes the best insult of the night. Andy asks if she is planning a clothing line to dress said donkey booty and she side-eyes She by SheLies and quips that clothing lines are “overdone.” BWAHAHAHA! Instead she’s doing a work-out video – starring Apollo and herself. Ugh – kill me now!

And finally #BlackBabyGate rages on. Apparently Kim simply cannot move past the fact that Kandi Burruss agreed with Cynthia‘s statement that she wouldn’t hold an African baby. I really thought Kandi was going to lose it at this moment as this argument is so pathetic. For what is, literally, the 456,000 time Kandi explains no one thinks Kim is racist – they just couldn’t see her going to Africa.

Quick observation: Were Kandi‘s spanx showing under her dress? Or was that <<shudder>> a dress with built-in visible bike shorts?

Eventually after much going round and round the truth comes out, no thanks to NeNe, ironically. Kim is lazy and hates to travel and basically just wouldn’t have gone on the trip no matter what. We really needed about 10 episodes and non-stop bickering to finally come to the conclusion that Kim is lazy and hates to leave home? Gee, Andy – great storyline. And next year let’s waste half of the entire season trying to figure out if NeNe is tall…

Kandi is still furious that Kim talked about her daughter to her landlady and that was discussed. Kandi points out that somebody got it twisted (ahem… Sheree) and the method of delivery – the phone in SA – is what really got Kim all spun up. Kandi suggests that puuurrrrhaaaaps, just perhaps, if Sheree had acted like a normal person – not some person desperate for a storyline and the extension of her contract, she would have waited to tell Kim what transpired at a more appropriate time.

Essentially the argument becomes about why Kandi – who is Kim‘s truest friend in all the world next to She by SheLies - didn’t defend her when Cynthia – who doesn’t even know Kim from Adam said she wouldn’t go to an African orphanage.  Sheree seems to think that Kandi is just a horrible person who let her dearest friend be mercilessly thrown under the bus while she not only didn’t defend her, but agreed! She by SheLies – let it go – you’re already She by SheFired and “everybody knows” you didn’t defend Kim either. Amen to that, Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, with the quick objection! Who gon’ check you, Boo? I think we know…

Why do these people act like the things they do on camera ARE NOT EASILY DISPROVED? I mean we could just roll the tapes, take a look-see back at the 300 times Bravo has replayed that stupid safari ride where Cynthia couldn’t “see” (she never said Kim wouldn’t go, just that she – along with the rest of the competent world – couldn’t see it happening) and watch She by SheDumbfounded just sitting there all la-tea-da, not saying a word, while Cynthia and Kandi had this conversation!

I mean, wouldn’t a true friend have spoken up? Oh, no a true friend would sit there like a stump and then gleefully run back to the hotel, pick up the phone, say ‘Guess what  they said about you…?!’ And then totally change the context of the story into a race issue, and THEN they would continually insist that everyone thinks you’re racist because African implies the same thing as black. Just zip it, Sheree! Fix that mouth and that mind! I mean, whatever happened to … customer service?!

Interestingly, Andy, again, brings up Tardy For The Party and wonders if Kandi ever got paid? How awkward was that moment? How awkward was it when Kim - now the pristine, perfect person that she is who, just earlier bragged about how much money she makes – had to admit that she STILL hasn’t paid her friend – the very friend she expects to defend her at all times – for TFTP?

Kandi handled it with class, claiming it brought her other opportunities – like the spin-off, perhaps – and she’s over it, but you could cut that tension with a butter knife! And I think it’s safe to say that’s one friendship that has never recovered! Personally I think Kandi saw Kim‘s true colors in that whole episode and realized it was better to just kill ‘er with kindness and go their separate ways. And by the looks of NeNe‘s face she’s pleased as punch by the results.

Who even knows what happened next… Phaedra talked about Phunerals By Phaedra and how she’s been a part-time embalmer/mortician/ weirdo for years. And Apollo repossesses other people’s unclaimed checks or something. No, I know that’s a legitimate form of employment as I, myself, know someone who once got a call about unclaimed money. And really, what’s more exciting than learning you have money out there in the world that you never knew existed? Anyway, the really issue is why Phaedra, otherwise well-spoken and intelligent, can never articulate what exactly her husband does for a living. And Kandi has to jump in and explain it? What’s the deal, Mrs. Nida?

Apparently, NeNe and Dwight Eubanks have made peace. Phaedra looked like she smelled something very putrid when she heard the news that Dwight had called NeNe. But those two are good… Phaedra also admitted her parents were pretty unimpressed with the whole ReDICKulous episode. Apparently, Pastor Parks – the papa version – isn’t so keen on his daughter flaunting her dip ‘n’ dick clients on national TV. Imagine that…

And I think that’s it. Another part of the epic reunion down for the count. And it saddens me to say… this was truly one of the last days She by SheBroke will ever appear on my television with her elegint and sofissicated self.

Next Week: The battle wages on as six women who despise each other continue to fight like howling alley cats over a can of tuna. Oh, and apparently Marlo gets even crazier next week. Hold me…

THOUGHTS ON THE SECOND PART OF THE REUNION? IS MARLO CA-RAY-ZEE OR TOTALLY CALCULATED? IS ANYONE ELSE GOING TO MISS SHE BY SHEBROKE AND DELUSIONAL OR JUST ME?

 

 

 

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