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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County it was all about Gretchen Christine. She’s got a zillion careers. One of them, is unfortunately singing, which she can’t actually do, and another one is dating Slade Smiley, which is really just an unnecessary side-job she should quit.

Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!

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Lex wants Gretch‘s opinion of her Fox5 segments. Lex, apparently, is a masochist, because really who can say anything about that bootastic botch job of an interview where she talked over everyone and shoved her cleavage in their faces. Gretchen sits down and basically says, ‘ awwwwwww…honey that’s so cute you got my sloppy seconds! Cause you know they, like, begged me to do that thing – and they’re still asking me! But I’m too busy being part of a world-renowned dance troupe and selling my clothes on eBay.’ Poor shocked Lex is like, ‘say what?’ and then Gretchen basically tells her she’s really bad at the job and it was unfortunate that she recommended Lex as a replacement. Which was basically the sub-text.

Oh, and Lex should consider, you know, a burka and a hosting coach. Oh, Alexis. She tries. But she’s just… so… well, really she’s just too nice. She tried to look cute and sassy but it was basically porny and desperate cougar. Gretchen is so rude and condescending. Anyway, Gretchen was totally right about Alexis’ TV outfit. It was really inappropriate, but her other comments were really hurtful.

Moving on, Heather Dubrow and her assistant are getting ready for Heather to go on an audition. In case you didn’t know, Heather is an actress. Why do these women all have assistants to take notes while the ladies stand around talking about how busy they are? Heather is going to try out for a new dramedy. While she loves being a mother and wife, she craves having something for herself and she feels unfulfilled. Isn’t that why she’s on this show? On the converse she’s just so busy with all her stuff, no one is getting her undivided attention.

Heather goes to the audition, feels it went well, and then she tells Terry Dubrow it shoots in Canada. He’s like… well… that’s great, but we have four kids – and live in California. They have a pretty normal husband/wife convo about supporting each other’s goals and trying to work things that are important to Heather into their lives. Terry is supportive and wants Heather to be happy. In the end, she seems like she’s sort of realizing it’s not a good idea, although she’s not ready to let go of the pipe dream. Terry decides if she gets the part he’ll show up in Canada holding signs. Heather says he can advertise, “Botox, eh!” and take his business international. haha

Moving along to decidedly less supportive hubbies, we drop in on the Bellinos! Alexis slinks in with a cool glass of lemonade and tells Jim she’s really serious about this Fox5 thing cause she wants to prove to Gretch that she can be successful. Alexis is thinking of getting a coach… Jim bristles. He’s, like, but you belong in the kitchen making me snacks and you have too many “careers.” Anyone else think his real issue is that Lex is eclipsing him as the breadwinner? While that trampolining thing sounds really lucrative and all, it’s Lex that is on a huge TV show and getting tons of endorsements.

They discuss Alexis sacrificing family time for Alexis Couture and newscastering, which she describes as part-time careers. I do think Jim has some good points and kudos for focusing on the long-term picture about how this will affect her family, and the snowball effect of her jobs becoming more and more involved. Although, Jim should be more supportive on the front end.

It’s interesting that Alexis and Heather have the same conundrum. They’re both juggling children, marriage, and career shifts. Alexis, who always thought she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, now finds that she loves having a career and an identity outside the home. She’s not willing to give that up, no matter what King of her Heart, Jim says.  And Heather, who had a satisfying career, now realizes she would probably rather just be a mother – although she’s having a hard time relinquishing her former glory. If you can call her acting career that.

So, Gretchen‘s doing this Pussycat Doll thing – don’t know if you’ve heard – and she’s inviting all the girls. Even *gasp* Vicki Gunvalson! She calls everyone while she’s rolling Slave‘s socks – that’s a change! – and Alexis proving that despite Gretchen’s slight towards her, she is a good friend and will be there with bells on – or a cross, but that’s a different story. We’ll get to it later. Tamra Barney pretends to be surprised by the last-minute invite and says she’ll come. And then tells Gretchen to stop folding socks until Slade gives her a ring… yeah funny thing about that – he probably can’t afford one! Ahem… Bravo!

Demonstrating that Bravo forced Gretch to invite her to Vegas, Vicki is packing. She admits the issues with Gretchen are the elephant in the room, but she wants to pretend the elephant doesn’t exist right now.

Alexis and Slave arrive in Vegas. The suite is amazing and Gretchen muses, “Is this what it feels like to be a star?” Um… yes – but first she must focus on the stardom instrument – her sexiness. Oh, wait I mean her voice! She heads to rehearsal and hmmm… Well, first of all I would assume when one is part of a so-called World Renowned Dance Troupe, they would be actually dancing in said performance. But no, there’s none of that! Just singing. Well, barely.

The choreographer is ready to explode and he’s seriously scared as he lectures Gretchen about how she’s representing the PCD brand and she cannot sing a note. That’s the real elephant in the room! And hips, hips, hips, Beyoncé, move shake – do anything to distract them from the fact that you can’t sing!

Ok, couple things: 1) This is first official rehearsal? Isn’t this a pretty big performance to have never actually rehearsed or is Gretchen just a major slacker? 2) She says she never sings into a mic cause she basically just sings in the car – hasn’t she released a couple singles? Wouldn’t that involve a microphone? 3) Slave is the only person that thinks Gretchen has star power. The rest of think she has train wreckitude. Which is an entirely different thing.

Vicki, Tamra, Heather, and their respective menfolk are driving up to Vegas in a Escalade limo. Apparently, everyone in OC must own an Escalade. Aren’t those like so 2002? Somehow, the topic comes up about Alexis and Jim‘s interesting finances. Tamra is quite confident the reason for their ever-changing cars, just like the reason for their ever-changing address, is that they can’t pay for what they have. Heather is extremely bothered by Alexis’ phoniness.

Talk turns to Gretchen‘s upcoming performance. Heather is worried for her – Vicki is too, given that Gretchen cannot sing. Tamra is drinking the Gretchen kool-aid as she eagerly blames Vicki and the Bunco night yelling for Gretchen’s vocal issues. Yeah to the right! Tammy Sue provides us with an illustrative hand puppet show of how Gretchen injured her vocal chords. Apparently, one of these ladies is lacking a vagina – no word on whom.

Tamra is disappointed that Vicki is on this trip cause she doesn’t even really like Gretchen, but Vicki wants to make amends, which is why she came. I’m sure the free Bravo vacay had nothing to do with – nor the contractual obligation.

Vicki is rightfully confused about this latest Gretchen career. I mean, she does make-up, and hair stuff, and hand bag distribution, tube sock wearing, and Slave-sitting, and famewhoring, and on and on… she’s sort of like a jackass of all trades. Remember when she was just a gold digger?

They meet up with Gretchen to wish her luck. Vicki is very nice and supportive, and this makes Gretch nervous. This is the Twilight Zone. It really is. Vicki’s new approach is killem’ with kindness. Brooks Ayers‘ southern outlook is wearing off on her. Vicki even wishes Slave a happy birthday – with a Woo Hoo!

At the hotel, Alexis has a make-up artist getting her ready for Gretchen‘s big debut. Whoa… so, hmm.. you know, I’m not even sure what to say about that make-up! It was like mud smeared on her face and sixty different stripes of grey all over her eyes! I mean, maybe if Alexis was going as a dead Barbie for Halloween or something.

That was the best scene of the night. Lex and Jim rushing around whispering about how to get rid of the horrible make-up artist. Jim was totally freaking out and at least Alexis had fun with it! She did look horrible, though. Maybe Jesus was trying to remind Alexis that vanity is a sin…

At dinner, Brooks embarrasses himself and Vicki by telling more people who don’t know him, about this affirmation crap. He’s like one of those TV preachers when he talks about it – it’s a little creepy. Even Jim (who had a chinplant according to Tamra) is sort of revolted by the daily love peptalks. Can’t you just, you know, say I love you without all the fluff and sparkles and mumbo jumbo? Tamra still believes Brooks is full of ish and trying to woo himself right into Vicki’s wallet, but ol’ Vicki G doesn’t care. Her tanks (all of them) are full. She’s totally driving the Escalade of love tanks.

Then the girls talk S-P-E-R-M. Apparently IVF is as common as boob jobs in the OC. Alexis takes a very involved approach to the donation process and was more than willing to lend Jim a hand – literally – where that was concerned. I don’t know which was grosser: Brooks‘ affirmation crap or ugh – I can’t even write that…

At the Pussycat Doll Performance, Robin Anton and the crew try to tone down Gretch‘s super OC look and shove her out on stage, hoping no one will demand a refund. Slave thinks Gretchen’s joining the big leagues with Christina, Pink, and Britney. Ok…

At the last-minute, Alexis rushes backstage to pray with Gretchen before she takes the stage. Apparently, God shows up everywhere – even in places of sin and Gretchen needs his support more than ever if she wants him to forgive her public gyrating and bustier wearing. Seriously though, that was really sweet of Alexis. Danggit! Why am I starting to like her?!

Did anyone watch WWHL with former Housewife Lauri Waring Peterson last night? She looks exactly the same and seems very happy. Her comments about Slade were veeerrry interesting, no?

Next Week: Gretchen performs. And Vicki gets some news from Briana!

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? WAS GRETCHEN TRYING TO HURT ALEXIS’ FEELINGS WITH THE FOX FIVE THING? WILL VICKI AND GRETCHEN MAKE AMENDS?

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