I'm just going to come out and say it – I am OVER Kyle Richards. Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills she once again showed herself to be a sniveling, conniving, drama queen. Furthermore, it must be hard to be Faye Resnick. Always in the shadows, always a hanger-on, just waiting, waiting, waiting for fame to finally deem you worthy.
Last night Brandi Glanville realized she made a grave mistake, an egregious error as she attempted to take on a furious Adrienne Maloof. Brandi didn't realize what she was getting herself into. It reminded her of that time she entered the Jell-O wrestling competition in Vegas. After a few cocktails it seemed fun but all she got in the end was showing nipples and the attentions of a F-list actor named Eddie hoping to raise himself through the ranks from nobody to lesser nobody.
Anyway, Brandi is still at Mauricio's real estate convention thing and she's just gotten double-teamed by WWF Supervillians Hoof & Nasty. Maybe she deserved it. Adrienne storms out, pointing to the fans in her glittering purple caftan, vowing to return and warns Brandi that she'll out her as a druggie whore if she doesn't watch it.
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Brandi isn't the only person shaking like a leaf, Taylor Armstrong leaps into action. Leaps into attention seeking action, that is. I'm surprised she didn't start hyperventilating and breathing into a Birkin
that she would conveniently forget to return. Taylor starts turning this into all the times yelling has scared Taylor. But then she asks if Brandi is OK, perhaps realizing if she really wants to look like a women's advocate she should care about women other than herself.
Outside, Camille Grammer and Kim Richards are dealing with Splits and her about to split open too tight mini skirt. Girl get a stylist. Anyway, Kyle blames the whole thing on Kim's big mouth and bad timing. She starts ripping her a new one. But new Kim – sober Kim – starts throwing it right back in Kyle's face about how if she was such a good friend to Adrienne she would have told her. Privately Camille agrees.
Kim points out that it's actually KYLE and her busy-body, gossip mongering self that started all this by asking Brandi about the Adrienne issue during the SUR tasting.
Mauricio blames Brandi. He apparently doesn't think it's a big deal that Paul screamed in Brandi's face and called her a bitch. Mauricio files this under "defending his wife." Personally, I think he also filed it under "has the most money to buy a house from me." I'm still confused about why none of the menfolk got involved in breaking this thing up.
I DO feel bad for Mauricio. What a mess. Why can't Kyle keep her friends in check? Why is Kyle always ruining everything? Go away Kyle. Go marry Taylor and live in a drama-centric me, me, me world. I'll take Mauricio.
Camille and Kyle re-enter the party just as Taylor is rambling about how she would never discuss skeletons. Except if there was a book deal attached to it apparently. She goes over to Kyle and Camille and tries to make the situation about how Paul upset her because he was yelling. Kyle is annoyed; this is an all-about Kyle moment.
Camille unsuccessfully tries to point out that Paul over-reacted to a private issue being exposed. Which Taylor turns into 'Oh yeah Camille, well what about that time you talked about my privacy and like told stuff that like I told everyone else and then wrote in a book so I could buy more botox? What about my privacies that you like threw up at a tea party so then like everyone had to focus on me and my problems? Which was like the best moment of my life except I'll pretend to be mad for more attentions and stuff. I need attentions. And money, too. Got some of that to spare?'
Camille gives Taylor the most withering, sneering, soap opera dramatic look and basically says, 'I'm being nice to you here so I look good, but know this: I'm onto you. And stop trying to make every camera moment about you. New issue, new season and you're yesterday's news.' Camille is right, this isn't the same thing at all. The purse of Camille's lips in that moment was enough to cut a bitch to smithereens.
Look, I have to say – I agree with Taylor that Paul was wrong and it would make me uncomfortable. However, girl this was not about you. Be a good friend, shut up, give Kyle a hug and go have another drink. Don't try to make ANOTHER argument about some ish that you've been dining out on for a year and a half all thanks to Camille's blab by pretending it was the same thing. It's not.
Brandi and Kyle scratch at each other about who's a malicious gossiper and that's like fighting over who makes the worst fashion choices, because they're both guilty. And then Brandi says Adrienne has done horrible, unnamed, unspeakable things to her, which Camille says she's never heard about. And she bustles away in her dead cat coat and Kyle whines about how everyone ruins her parties. Wah!
So that was a great party, super sad I forgot to RSVP.
Moving on, Lisa Vanderpump is nursing a recovering Ken back to health after his hip replacement. Ken is as demanding and whiny as Kyle but far more charming and adorable. He wants tea and biscuits on a non-stop rotation, Lisa pretends to be annoyed but you can tell she loves it. Martin(!) comes over and Ken admits he's just trying to get a rise out of Lisa, which was cute.
Brandi sends Ken flowers from "Mrs. Cibrian" which I hope was an oversight because she's been using the same florist for a decade or because she's awesome enough to have them billed to LeAnn's account. Anyway, Ken is recovering fine and so is Kim.
Ditching Kyle and her negativity has done wonders for Kim's self-esteem. She and her daughters hit up a Pilates studio where Kim reveals she's really working hard on recovery and is so thankful for her daughters' support. Kim's son Chad is turning 21 and family tradition dictates that they all take a party bus to Vegas. Kim's teacher seems really aware of where Kim is with her recovery and it was sweet.
Kim is worried and admits that's a lot of temptation, but she's already found meetings and planned to get support in her room. Good for Kim.
Over at Kyle's redone house, Mauricio lets a bit of the petty rub off on him. Kyle tells him that after her last disastrous party, she's decided to have a dinner party in their almost completed dining room and guess who she's invited! All his favey-faves, including Brandi! Mauricio is like Brandi? I don't like that girl. She's a "gossip" and "disgusting." Kyle pretends she's so above disinviting someone and plus she's not about to let good drama go to waste!
I mean maybe Mauricio is really loyal to Adrienne and of course he's obviously in denial about Kyle, but um… his wife is a massive gossip and a shit-stirrer extraordinaire. Kyle says she's hoping this party will be a way for the ladies to reconnect and talk about what happened. Unfortunately Adrienne, forgetting that friends don't sue friends, won't attend without lawyers present. Oh well, they can all use this opportunity to trash Brandi via catwoman, alienized henchwoman Faye!
Kyle invites Faye to lunch where she gets to work programming Faye about how much Brandi sucks. Kyle warns her that the other women are invited are "pitbulls." Kyle lays it on extra thick about how Brandi is in the wrong and plays on the fact that Faye hates Brandi because Brandi nabbed her spot as friend of the Housewives then was promoted to Housewives.
Personally, I can't take anything Faye seriously because her plastic surgery is disturbing. What is going on there? I mean really, what? It used to be a face I'm sure, but now it's a Mardi Gras cat mask. The cheap ones from the dollar store. Kyle predictably takes no blame for the altercation at Mauricio's event or SUR and Faye's mask tells us that Brandi is evil and out to destroy Beverly Hills with her slashing gossip and slanderous lies. She, Faye, will be savior of the plastic surgeried race by combating this evil model person who has a still moving face.
I was so upset I totally forgot to put on may pants!
Anyhoodle, Brandi is in crisis. And that crisis is that she's wearing a labia-length romper to Lisa's house and to fill her in on Adrienne round a million. But before Brandi arrives, Sheana Marie Famewhore shows up unannounced to admit she's been stalking Brandi and know she's on her way over and she just really, really wants to talk to her about how she was a homewrecker. Can she please, Mama Lisa? Lisa banishes her to the dungeon for foolishness, takes away her mascara for a week, and tut-tuts about how stupid these people are.
Just in the nick of time too, because Brandi's vagina comes over and after she fondles Ken she tells Lisa that she may have accidentally caused a big problem.
Interestingly, Brandi doesn't blame Kim for spilling and she admits she should have kept quiet about the secret everyone knows and pretends to be ignorant about. Brandi reiterates that no one understands what dastardly unspeakable things Adrienne has done to her. Can we just know already? In addition, shortly after Adrienne accused her of being a bad mom and a drug addict a story is running in RadarOnline accusing her of the exact same thing. Brandi blames Adrienne for planting the story.
Lisa tells Brandi she knows Adrienne is vengeful and frankly they're not friends, but Brandi better tread lightly before this gets worse. Lisa basically tells her to try and make it peaceable and then go about her business, but Brandi is imagining the worst. Imagining her life destroyed by an overly-injected catwoman clone on a rampage. Lisa seems alarmed and confused by the depths this is disintegrating to.
And then it gets worse, because Kyle decides this is the perfect time to proceed on with the dinner party. And even better she borrowed Camille's infamous mega-martini glasses from the dinner party from hell. And she's hired Glenn, who is the oddest party planner ever. Glenn is cooking for 40 and really I think he went to Applebee's and grabbed 10 of everything on the menu and reheated it. It did not look fancy and high class.
Kyle really needs to consult with Yolanda Foster who is too busy exercising using Grammy's as free-weights and attending A-list events to show up at any of Kyle's podunk parties.
Anyway, Glenn has an agenda. He tells Kyle his all-fried, all Chili's menu comes from his desire to fatten these ladies up, push them in an oven, and eat them. "They're so skinny. We have to help them," he cackles maliciously while Kyle fantasizes about being the thin one for once and guzzles her wine.
Taylor arrives first. Then everyone else shows up, including new Housewife Marisa Zanuck. Marisa looks scared. Kyle tells us Marisa is like rich-rich. Like Yolanda fancy.
Brandi and another bathmat looking jacket arrive last. The butler waits with the last ominous drink on a tray for Brandi who was forced to commute from the bad part of town. Faye follows Brandi with her evil robot eyes all around the party. Brandi talks to Marisa and Marisa talks to Brandi's boobs.
Things get bad as soon as they descend into the Faye-designed dining room. It's dark and scary, like a cave. Kyle begins by telling the loathsome story of all the people who ditched her. Kim "forgot" to invite Kyle to Chad's birthday party because not enough AA sponsors in the world could help Kim handle a weekend of Kyle's nagging and micromanaging right now. So anyway, Kim not only "forgot" to invite Kyle, she "forgot" Kyle was having this little dining room unveiling.
And Adrienne, well she found out Brandi was coming and her lawyer was booked that evening so she bailed. Except Kyle didn't say that. She side-eyes Brandi and says, "I think we all know why Adrienne couldn't make it. Obviously." Brandi reveals she told Kyle she would have skipped, knowing Kyle and Adrienne are closer friends.
Thus begins the talk of Adrienne. And apparently Adrienne is angry and upset. Poor Marisa makes the producer-nudged mistake of innocently asking what happened. And Kyle sighs a deep, throaty sigh and says, ominously, witch-like: "Well, where do we begin?" she looks at Faye, then Brandi, then smiles a faraway smile and waits.
Brandi falls for the trap. She starts to explain exactly why she doesn't like Adrienne. She compulsively lies. She can't be happy for anyone. The book deal argument is rehashed and everyone but Brandi insists this book deal of Adrienne's is very real. Oh, yeah -where is it? Brandi suggest that perhaps Adrienne bought one.
Are you gonna hire me yet, Bravo? What more do I have to do?
And Faye goes for the jugular. She starts insulting Brandi. Brandi tries to pacify, saying she doesn't really know Faye and frankly it's not really her concern so let's not get into it. But Faye was invited to this party for one reason and one reason only, to get into it with Brandi. And that's what she's gonna do. Come aging or weight gain, she's taking this mission to heart.
And thus begins a progression of jabs, passive aggressive remarks, and insufferable condescension from Faye Resnick that makes her as ugly on the inside as the way she mutilated her face is on the outside. While no one really understands what business this is of Faye's, Faye keeps insisting she has been Adrienne's friend for 25-years. Clearly they share a plastic surgeon, judging from their faces.
Lisa is annoyed, here is Faye again, prompted by Kyle, shoving her nose in and insisting she has the right to presume things.
Everyone wants the ladies to make amends and suggest Brandi send flowers. An orchid, perhaps. "Don't you want to be the bigger girl," Faye wonders? But this is RHOBH no one wants to be the bigger girl – size wise and otherwise!
Brandi doesn't want to apologize. She regrets what she said, but she doesn't feel sorry because Adrienne has also done things to her that haven't been apologized for.
At that point Lisa speaks up. She wonders why Kyle didn't send Brandi flowers after she hid her crutches last season? I mean doesn't Brandi deserve sympathy and apology too? Kyle tries to accuse Lisa of just not liking Adrienne, but Lisa snaps back that basically both ladies are at fault so why should Brandi do all the pandering. Furthermore, Kyle has fought with everyone in Beverly Hills and that bitch has never sent a flower, an orchid, or a dead tree branch.
When Brandi refuses to listen to Faye, Faye claims she is attacking people. Faye insists it's her business, which is when I would have said: "Last time I checked you weren't ON this show and Bravo never gave you and your 'morally corrupt' ass a contract, so it actually ISN'T your business." But instead Marisa spoke up to point out that she didn't actually think it was Faye's business and Faye started attacking Marisa, whom she doesn't know.
"I know the things, the vicious things, you say about people," Faye accuses, calling Brandi a liar. "What I have seen from you, Brandi, is a lot of really cruel behavior."
"I think you attack people a lot. I think you probably need a lot of attention," she says. "I think you have been hurt a lot and you have to viciously attack people."
Then Faye gives herself entirely too much credit when she says she knows Brandi is going to start attacking her now. Cause Faye is that important, y'all! Furthermore, let us discuss the irony of morally corrupt Faye explaining poor and inappropriate behavior.
So Brandi kindly pointed out that Faye is the one attacking HER for attention because she's a desperate, deplorable famewhore, among other types of whores – right Camille? And Faye started warbling about Brandi spewing lies and destroying Kim's life, so Brandi stood up and left.
And in my fantasy she knocked over the chair, pointed right in Kyle's face and said "Really? Grow up." Grabbed a bottle of wine – the most expensive one – told Glenn his food sucked, and stalked out after trampling the flowers.
"I don't care about you," Brandi told Faye. "So why would I talk about you?" Which is exactly how I feel – why do I have to talk about Faye? Thanks for that Bravo. Thanks for leaving a taste in my mouth so bad I would even eat Glenn's reheated Applebee's or Kim's chicken salad to get rid of it.
Poor Faye kept insisting Brandi was going to run around town talking about her. Which she clearly wishes would happen so it would make her relevant again.
Again, great party Kyle. You really know how to make friends and influence people.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THE ADRIENNE/BRANDI ISSUE? SHOULD BRANDI APOLOGIZE? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FAYE SITUATION?