Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies ventured into unseen territory. It was truly a trip to OZ. There were sparkling pageant lights and shimmering runways, food that looked like vaginas and not food, beautiful music, and one Wicked Witch from the West stealing The Good Witch's crown and being sweet as a mid-summer Georgia peach. What was this strange world of successes and peace? Better watch out ladies, a twirl is a'comin and it might just drop a mansion right on your heads. And your little dogs too…
Things begin at The Bailey Agency. Cynthia Bailey is whirling around putting up flyers about the Miss Renaissance pageant. It's happening like now! And who should waltz through the door but a giant bottle of ketchup and mustard! Oh no, just Kenya Moore being sweet and kind and wearing a strange combination of red and yellow (or my TV is colorblind). I guess it was summery…
Kenya has her little dog with her and also a little model who has big dreams of Vogue covers and barely covers her butt crack in skintight zebra pants and a crop top. Kenya is mentoring this poor girl. I'm guessing she got the come-to-Jesus lecture about coochie cracks, which is why she wore that…
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She is showing her off to Miss Cynthia because A) Kenya needs camera time and since even Phaedra Parks and Kandi Burruss hate her at this point, she needs an ally; and B) Kenya is desperate for some pageant action and she pretended this girl wanted to be a model. Or maybe she's hoping to make a mockery of Cynthia's agency. OR perhaps she heard Boris Kodjoe was hosting and wants to kidnap him for some sperm… Who really knows.
Anyway, if this girl wants to be a model, she's possibly at the wrong place but if she wants to be in a pageant and has her admissions check at the ready, she's in the right place! As she is whisked away to pay her fee for passing go, Cynthia and Kenya sit down for a little chat and then Kenya offers herself and her services to Cynthia. She'd just loooooove to judge this world-renown pageant. I mean she's heeaaaard that Cynthia was down a few hands after firing Porsha Stewart.
For all of six seconds Cynthia pretends to hesitate and warn Kenya about the last time she judged a Bailey Agency event and then she's like 'OK! Can you wear your Miss USA sash if it's not too tarnished with age and repeated caressings as you dream of a bygone era?!' Um… really Cynthia? Really? You couldn't even make her wait a day while you pretended to decide whether or not you potentially wanted Kenya to embarrass your agency again?
Kenya smiles a lemony smile, you know – sour, but pretending to be sweet – and says since her cancer scare she's decided to be on her best behavior. For now. <Cue evil laugh> (she actually did evil laugh).
Porsha is meeting up with King Kordell for white wine and lectures. Kordell tells Porsha he wants her to be more independent-minded, but also her career is getting in the way of her staying home and cooking. He wonders if with all her outside the home activities she is mature enough to have children now. I mean after all , as a mother she would be actually responsible for them.
Porsha is flummoxed… SHE would have to do work? Apparently Porsha thought that when you went to the hospital and the baby magically appeared, a nanny flew in the stork with it. She's truly cornfused – I mean a nanny comes standard right, just like with every baby?
Kordell, concern waffling through his eyes, realizes Porsha has never learned about the birds and the bees, nor does she really understand that parenthood is you know like actual work.
He explains that no child of theirs is going to be raised by anyone but their actual parents and that when they have a baby she's going to be doing all the work. Porsha promises she's like mature and stuff, so she'll stop going to the mall so much and steal a practice baby from her brother for a day to prove to her husband that she's like a real live adult. Did anyone else start having flashbacks of Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead? Just me? #Classics
So with that Bravo gives us some seriously choppy editing and Porsha arrives at her house in last week's outfit carrying last week's baby, also in last week's outfit because she's going to play Mommy N Me for a day. Heaven help that poor little girl, I hope emergency nannies were standing by just in case.
Before we get to Porsha and The Poop Drama (it's like a Babysitters Club book!), Phaedra is hosting a "glamorous" aphrodisiac-ridden dinner for four prepared by Chef Roble, another Bravolebrity. Where was this taking place? Were they eating Phaedra's basement? I was perturd…
Chef Roble really wants Phaedra to get pregnant or something so he stuffs them full of oysters (which he explains look like vaginas – the vaginas of the sea!), avocado, bourbon, and other sexy foods. Kandi and Todd sit there awkwardly like two kids on an blind date with the freaks, while watching Phaedra makeout with the food and then waggle her tongue at Apollo suggestively while she coos about getting pregnant.
Apollo is chatting about Kandi's new gospel album like none of this is happening and I think Phaedra was the only person enjoying the food. Was Phaedra wearing workout clothes? Oh yes, Kandi is making a gospel song now.
Kandi explains that she's well aware that people will be confused by Bedroom Kandi making a gospel album, but she actually grew up in the church. Her father is a pastor and she comes from a long line of them. Kandi also tells us the church ladies are the largest buyers of Bedroom Kandi – and apparently their husbands are not complaining.
Kandi's song is called "Prayed Up" and legendary Grammy award-winning gospel singer Marvin Sapp is recording a duet with her. Kandi feels a connection with Marvin because they both lost significant others two years ago (his wife passed from cancer) and he apparently loved the song immediately. They meet up in the studio to cut the track.
Kandi's dad Titus joins them. First of all, he looks a lot like Kandi. Secondly, he is an emotional wreck. In a cute way. When he hears the song and hears Kandi discuss her testimony he tears up and it was so sweet. Kandi shares that they weren't always close since her parents divorced when she was young. She starts warbling to Marvin about how she knows her life hasn't always seemed the most wholesome but she is devout. Luckily Marvin cuts her off and instructs her to let the song sing it for her.
"Stay Prayed Up" is currently available on iTunes. Real music from a Housewife! Oh, and it's currently the #1 Gospel song right now.
NeNe Leakes makes her obligatory appearance for this episode – it was all of six seconds. She's on this show even less than Wigs Zolciak! Anyway, Cynthia comes over to lament how much work this pageant is. Shouldn't of fired Porsha, then – right? She tells NeNe that Kenya showed up begging and pleading and promising to let Cynthia try on her crown if she'd let her judge, so she agreed. NeNe has the same reaction the viewing public does: Really? You're a fool.
NeNe reminds Cynthia that Kenya you know acted a completely crazy at the Jet casting. "I don't care if she won Miss Boo Boo," NeNe quips. "A fool is a fool." Cynthia confesses that if Kenya does anything, NeNe is her witness, all that will be left of her is her sparkly rhinestone crown…
NeNe admits she has missed all the tea and gossip in Atlanta. Sooo missed it. Which is why it's a good thing that they ladies are planning an impromptu girls trip to LA to visit her on-set. You know this will be good!
Back at Porsha's she's on temporary mommy duty. It is not going well. First of all, why is that child not wearing shoes? Then Porsha grabs her by the arm to air lift her into the front door instead of making two trips from the car – one for the stuff, one for the baby. Mommy 101!
Then Jaydenn has a poopy diaper and Porsha has to give herself a 20 minute pep-talk about changing it. She hands the ONE-YEAR-OLD a Twizzler so she'll lay down and get changed, downs a glass of wine and six Xanax, changes into her yucky clothes and a hazmat suit, whines and cries when she accidentally touches some poop, then she throws the dirty diaper on the floor and leaves it there for Kordell to throw away.
Then Porsha starts cooking dinner. We did not see her washing her hands, but I'm gonna assume that she did, right? Otherwise Kordell is in for another poop surprise when he gets home. #gross.
Porsha attempts to cook with an unrestrained toddler hanging out near the oven on a stool. She leaves the dog to babysit. Jaydenn lasts about two seconds before she gets lost in the mansion. Has Porsha never heard of baby gates? A playpen? Toys? I so hope the child's parents were in the next room pretending not to intervene. I also hope Super Nanny is already primed and ready for the day when Porsha's yams finally pay off. I'm "frittened" for these kids.
And it's the day of the pageant. 30 minutes before show-time Cynthia isn't there yet. She's picking up Boris Kodjoe, her co-host, at the hotel, while Cy, the pageant coach is doing everything. Um… where are The Bailey Boys? Why is Cynthia so hands-off on her own event? Didn't she fire Porsha for not doing enough stuff?
Boris rolls out to the car in jeans and a t-shirt and wonders where they're going for the day. "To host my pageant!!!" Cynthia screams, breaking down on her fancy, mauve satin dress. Was that hair intentional? Boris is like 'What's a pageant? I'm only here because Bravo promised to promote my newest movie and wrote me a big check. Hey, instead of this pageant thingy wanna go park over there and make-out?'
Cynthia sobs all the way to the hotel. Things go from bad to worse. The suitless Boris – it turns out he doesn't even bother to restrain his annoyance at being there and pretty much acts like he'd rather die. He's about as professional as Cynthia, who has done ZERO preparation for her own event. The script is out of order, she can't work a microphone, and standing by holding court and glinting lemony from the sidelines is Kenya.
Post-non-cancer-diagnosed Kenya is going to mind her Ps & Qs. She's not gonna say a word… to Cynthia. On that day. Oh no, she's going to store all the nonsense and the embarrassing moments in her little file and whip them out at the perfect blackmail moment. You could call this pageant Cynthia's thong bathing suit and mesh cover-up – and you know it's coming, because Kenya knows how to bring it and is not afraid of the crazy.
Needless to say Cynthia's pageant is a mess. Boris doesn't even bother announcing the names right as he wanders aimlessly around stage kicking the air in his sneakers. They forget the entire teen section of the pageant and after announcing intermission (where Porsha regretfully did not sing) they have to demand everyone sit back down so the teens could do their entry. Cy wanted to have a toxic-tan induced coronary where he would spontaneously combust into a pile of orange ash and spray glitter.
Cynthia's side-puff hairstyle quivered noticeably as things went from bad to worse and fell apart into one big poopy diaper on the floor. And Kenya graciously smiled her lemony smiles from the sidelines. She tells Derek J she decided to leave her crown at home, "It's too much," she demurs. Next to her Miss Mall of America is in full pageant regalia, including 64 foot crown, but Kenya is Miss WHO-S-A, a fact even Kandi forgot.
As the Housewives trickled in, Porsha is late because her volunteer days are over and she had to stay home and style Jaydenn's hair, but not change her diaper, apparently. Kandi and Riley show up and then a weepy and proud Phaedra who waxes poetically about how Miss. Cluster F**k is doing wonders for the moral of youth in the community and truly changing these girls' lives.
Who was Miss WHO-S-A, Phaedra or Kenya? Wasn't Phaedra calling Kenya "ratchet" last week and now she's a lover of pageants? Maybe Phaedra is pregnant already and that explains her emotional nonsense. Regardless, it's nice she was supportive, donkey booty eating thong and all. Yes, she told us that her butt was eating her thong.
In the second half of the pageant, things smooth out. Cynthia model struts down the runway, a Miss Renaissance is crowned; she appropriately breaks down sobbing and kissing the ground in practice for the real deal of her future – Miss America, of course.
All the ladies congratulate Cynthia on not falling off the runway or lighting the place on fire. And Phaedra tells her she changed the world one disco ball crown at a time while murmuring that wearing this booty eating thong was so worth it for this glorious event!
Porsha smiles tightly and pretends she's glad she wasn't involved in this embarrassing mess. We all know she was sad to be left out and ready to mug that sixteen-year-old winner in the parking lot for the massive tiara.
As Porsha jiggles Jaydenn on her hips, she mournfully thinks that this is what her life will be reduced to once she has kids. No more sparkle, no more fancy – only poop diapers and toddler hair styles, being late and being ignored. Maybe she's not ready to give up her crown? Maybe she'd rather have the sparkle, the glitter, and the bright lights. I mean, why settled for being Solange when you could be Beyonce?!
Hold onto your wife, Kordell. I think she's about to have an epiphany! And it's not the type of independent minded you were hoping for…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV & Twitter]
TELL US – WAS CYNTHIA'S PAGEANT A SUCCESS? SURPRISED KENYA BEHAVED SO WELL? WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE EPISODE?