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rhoa-recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta took their bickering and kill'em with kindness values to Las Vegas where things got um… well things got as invasive as a gynecological exam. There were strip clubs, Bedroom Kandi parties, and a marriage intervention with Porsha Stewart because apparently being a prude is so last season, right NeNe Leakes?

Things begin with Cynthia Bailey and Kenya Moore swapping moisturizer (Kenya doesn't want to be called "ashy feet" again!) and discussing dinner the night before as they pack for Vegas. Apparently the two are now BFF… when did this happen? I mean that's fine but didn't they hate each other a few episodes ago and now all of the sudden Cynthia is the only person Kenya can trust on this show?

Anyway, Kenya doesn't feel comfortable explaining to the other women that the reason she and Walter Jackson broke up is because the whole relationship was fake to begin with and he was tired of people around town actually thinking he would wife that. Mmmm-mmmmm! Walter is not about to ring Krayonce. He is not some hillbilly Kroy Biermann who is going to get run over by the Gold Digger Express. 

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Anyway, so now Krayonce and Cynthia are besties. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I s'pose! 

The ladies board a party bus to Vegas. Well except for NeNe since she is a big-time star now she gets to fly first class after work. If I had a dollar for every time NeNe told us she was a big deal in Hollywood I could buy those ladies first class tickets to Vegas. I mean, I wouldn't, but I could! 

Anyway the party bus is anything but a party. It's more like a slow bus to doom. I felt like one of those psychology experiments and behind some glass a whole team of behavioral experts were closely analyzing as the women got more and more stir crazy. 

Kenya wants to play some impersonation game where everyone draws a name and spends 30 seconds acting like one of the other women. Unlucky for her Phaedra Parks gets Kenya and I thought the impersonation was pretty mild, but Kenya got all butt-hurt (pun intended!) and started snarking that Phaedra could never be a beauty queen because she doesn't satisfy the beauty requirement. She is using her booty to cast some serious shade over the bus ride, isn't she?

Kandi Burruss tells some disgusting story about farting on someone's head while she was having an orgasm. Really classy Kandi. Buy her gospel album

Phaedra is putting her good southern manners to the test by killing Kenya with kindness for the sake of the group. Sadly it's super transparent. I agree Kenya will do anything for attention and always needs some drama to make herself relevant – but isn't that the rule of this show?

And the bus ride goes on and on and on and on until they are forced to stop at a gas station where Porsha gets a pickle in a bag prompting everyone to suspect that she's knocked up. Porsha rightfully doesn't want to discuss this personal matter with her co-workers so she just plays dumb. 

Phaedra says she needs to pee on a rabbit or something to see. Kenya gets all upset about killing a rabbit and Phaedra, fed up, annoyed, and sick of being stuffed into uncomfortably tight clothes on a bus for all eternity tells Kenya to get a grip and shut it. 

Oh they also make plans to go to some strip club which Porsha convinces herself is a burlesque club. Huh? The Crazy Horse is not the Rockettes, honey. 

50,000 hours later they arrive in Vegas where NeNe is relaxing in a suite lamenting that they're late again. Because the traffic from LA to Vegas is never an issue right? 

Ten seconds after rolling in the door where everyone else appears to get 'normal' rooms while NeNe got the penthouse, they bust out their most stripperific outfits and pile into a limo for The Crazy Horse. 

Realizing it's actually a strip club, Porsha gets scared. She doesn't want to go. Strippers are scary! She says Kontroll won't be OK with that leading NeNe to believe she's in an abusive relationship that she needs rescuing from. Hey maybe NeNe could play Porsha's character in a Lifetime Movie. She can pitch it and write the script. 

Everyone is also annoyed – most specifically NeNe – that Porsha isn't staying with the group. This is a girls trip, which means one must be surgically attached to all the other girls, like you are Kenya's fake booty surgically attached to her real one. So they all lecture her and then Porsha decides to just go back to the hotel. Which is probably a good idea because who wants to see Phaedra intricately dissect the inner-workings of a stripper's bikini wax. 

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Good lord she should've just gotten out the magnifying glass cause she was practically counting her pores. Phaedra made it rain some dollar bills (high rolling!) and then proceeded to discuss anesthetics with one woman while she was in a spread eagle pose with her twat in Phaedra's nose. Phaedra says she likes to celebrate the birth canal which is how we all emerged forth into this world and she is just appreciating the female form in all it's glory which is just what Jesus intended or something. 

Then they all talk about how little Porsha is being controlled by her husband. Kenya wonders if Porsha needs a permission slip signed to leave the house because Kontroll has her on lock-down. NeNe tells the story of how she met Gregg when she was stripping and he never once forced her to quit, she decided to once they got married. NeNe believes Porsha isn't being allowed to follow her dreams. 

I actually liked hearing NeNe's story, but maybe, just maybe, Porsha is happy with her life. Also, I love seeing all the women getting along and having fun, so that was nice. They all know how to have fun when it counts, which is one thing I love about RHOA. 

Yes, all the other women have their own careers and made their own money, but maybe Porsha is living her own dreams. Maybe she just wants to be a wifey. She's allowed to have different goals. And maybe she isn't happy but that is for her to work out with Kordell. "When you don't end up living your life, you die," Kenya says reciting a passage from Chicken Soup for the Beauty Queen's Soul

The next day all the girls get ready to hit the town in Vegas. Cynthia is obviously jet-lagged and has her days and nights backwards cause she's in her favorite Studio 54 get-up and it's 9am. Everyone else is in casual attire save for Porsha who apparently read the same memo as Cyntastic. 

NeNe decides they need to have a little intervention with Porsha and sit her down to let her know that she needs to peruse the ever-inspiring Janet Jackson album, Control. That was my first CD, btw. I was 7. My parents freaked out and I listened to it til it broke. Maybe that's how I avoided the pitfalls of marrying a "Kordell".

NeNe practiced her best Oprah impersonation, telling Porsha she is letting herself live in his shadows as the role of rich man's wife. NeNe also issues some participation rules. Sadly no one let Porsha explain herself. 

Porsha tries to say she is a Christian and doesn't feel comfortable going to a strip club. Then she says they're all lucky Kontroll "let her" come on this trip. Everyone explodes. While NeNe had good advice, I think they all need to butt out and let Porsha come to her own conclusions about what she wants from her marriage. 

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Behind-the-scenes of the Jubilee Dancers, NeNe acts like she's giving the little country bumpkins a taste of the fabulous life. Like Welcome To Wonka's Chocolate Factory you are the very rare lucky recipient of a golden ticket; be prepared to be amazed. 

Waiting for the showgirls to appear they all continue to discuss Porsha's marriage while she's in the bathroom with Phaedra. Phaedra is reassuring to her that they all support her, but everyone is convinced Porsha is totally a puppet. When Porsha returns they admit they're talking about her.

Then they all have fun with the showgirls trying on the outfits and testing out the moves. It was cute. Kenya yanks down her top and shows off her boobs to make sure Porsha gets a taste of the strip club whether she wants to or not. Thank goodness for black modesty bars. I mean I'm sure they're fabulous but at 8pm on a Sunday I had seen enough nudity at that point. 

Then they go look at rings since Kandi is about to get engaged. She finds one that she loves, priced conservatively at $7500, and everyone snickers about what a cheapskate she is. Kandi asks if they accept coupons. They don't. I mean good for her for minding the budget and it was a pretty. She looked thrilled with it.  

That evening Kandi hosts a Bedroom Kandi experience for all the ladies. They learn about kegel balls and pocket vibrators. NeNe gags over all the sex toys. Then she complains that Porsha is a prude. I mean last season she called all of this stuff disgusting and now she's calling other people a prude for not wanting to suck vibrators at a sex toy party? RiDICKulous…

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In the middle of playing sex games like sucking whipped cream off a strawberry, Phaedra makes fun of Kenya saying Walter did not want Kenya (aka Captain Crunch) sucking his strawberry. Then she cackles loudly. OK – totally hilarious, but unbelievably rude and uncalled for. 

So of course the party was ruined and then Kenya and Phaedra have to get into an argument. They play a game where they anonymously write down relationship questions and pass them around for others to answer. Kenya wants to know how one deals with a friendship gone awry and it escalates into an argument about who offended whom more. 

Kenya is really hurt by all the accusations of mental disorders and alcoholism Phaedra lobbed her way after the donkey booty nonsense. And Phaedra is hurt that Kenya mocked her with the thong bathing suit and stole her workout video idea. They go back and forth; Kenya wants an apology, but then she doesn't. Neither lady believe they did anything wrong. Finally NeNe and Cynthia intervene because this is going nowhere. 

Bedroom Kandi, y'all! May cause arguments. Personally I feel both Kenya and Phaedra behaved childishly and equally inappropriately. They both are responsible for the issues and should acknowledge this. 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – IS PORSHA BEING CONTROLLED BY KORDELL? DO THE LADIES NEED TO STAY OUT OF HER MARRIAGE? TEAM KENYA OR TEAM PHAEDRA?

 

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