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What can we say about last night's season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County except those ladies need to re-evaluate their choices in men! Dang girls… Dr. V needs to get in there and do a summit on low self-esteem and co-dependent entanglements. I mean, that was a m.e.s.s. And not a fun one! 

We're all back in the fabricated winter wonderland of Vicki Gunvalson's back yard. Despite the warm California breeze, glitterfied snow is everywhere. Suddenly the air turns icy… Gretchen Rossi has arrived. On her arm, an abominable faux man – Slave Smiley. While Gretchen pageant glides, in smiling engagingly at the Styrofoam penguin statues and paper mache snowmen, the other ladies are gorging themselves on a 'We hate Gretchen' buffet of snide comments and frosty complaints. 

Poor Gretchen, the wool was pulled over her eyes because she had no idea the entertainment for the evening was pelting her with verbal snowballs and stealing her mittens. 

And meanwhile, some other backstabbing was taking place at the party! See Vicki has a son-in-law FROM HELL and he was melting all the cute little decorations with his vendetta of mean. There he was shuffling around the party, drink in hand, complaining about Vicki, hinting at all the dirt he has on Brooks, and boasting that he basically controls Vicki's house by refusing to let Brooks in. Good lord! Shut. Up. Was Ryan auditioning for RHOC to replace Tamra Barney as next season's villain? 

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!

Screen Shot 2013-08-06 at 1.06.11 PMSo after everything was electrified by the singeing torches of a gossip brigade, a couple good things happened. Vicki got all overly-gleeful that Tamra and Gretchen's friendship was officially donezo so she festooned Tamra's wrist with a bevy of friendship bracelets. Big ol' cuffs and bangles. It was more or less a pair of friendship handcuffs (with bling!), cause ol' Tammie Sue is shackled to Vickster for life. Hey – I'm fine with that they're like reality TV's Bert and Ernie, all opposites and insanity and good messy entertainment. Rubber sheets, you're the one… 

Tamra complains that she'd rather have a pair of friendship shoes, but OC bling is better than nothing. Alexis Bellino cheers 'cause Vicki has missed Tamra sooo much! Isn't it funny how all of the sudden Gretchen is clustered on the outer rim of Antarctica huddled by a heatlamp like the Little Matchstick Girl and Alexis is all radiating in the inner circle of hell, like a beacon of promising goodness. Oh, Plastilexis I hope you don't get burned! 

Lydia McLauglin's sweet stoner mama Judy makes an appearance and she's wearing heels. I feel like Judy may have inspired Vicki to start smoking pot because she looks fantastic at 64 and Vicki, meanwhile, with her wrinkly saggies hanging out of a sorority girl's dress is looking um… well like she's trying too hard. Too bad Vicki didn't grab a doobie prior to heading to the plastic surgeon. 

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Heather Dubrow and Gretchen go have an obligatory argument about who was cast to do what on Malibu Country. It didn't go well. Heather is still incensed that Gretchen allegedly lied about the part she was allegedly cast for. She's also furious that during her Hot In Cleveland taping Gretchen and Slave were bopping around texting and whatnot, acting like they were the stars of the show. I don't know if you heard but that was HEATHER'S DAY and all about HEATHER and HEATHER'S big, fancy, career. 

Gretchen is all furious that Heather sent her a condescending text about possibly being cast on a TV show. She advises Heather to "stop tooting her high horn." I advise Gretchen to enroll in English 101 at the local community college. 

The real root of the problem however is that Heather thinks she's a real actress and she doesn't want any wannabes forgetting that. Heather keeps insisting she wants to support Gretchen in her fledgling career in the entertainment business, which is when Gretchen says she doesn't want to be in that stupid business cause she's in the FASHION AND BEAUTY business. What about all the singing stuff?!

She's a designer, y'all! Gretchen's purses are the fashion equivalent of little girl's pretty, pretty princess dress up costumes and are constructed entirely of flammable materials – just like her hair. 

Gretchen doesn't like that Heather is competitive with her. To which Heather tells her, "There is no competition. I actually have a career… " Career of two guest roles? Oh that was rich! Like deep, gooey, oozing rich. I mean Heather, really?! Really?! Botox calling the restylane's face puffy and immobile. Illustrious careers by Bravo!

Then they both offer some sort of apologies that aren't apologies. That friendship is dead and needs to lie down. 

Speaking of lying down, Lydia's mom is tired. Judy is 64, had a drink, and is wearing heels. Lord knows how late it is at this point. So she goes inside Vicki's home and lies down on the sofa. Unfortunately she comes face-to-face with a leering, hungry, snorting, monster. 

Ryan barges in and demands Judy get her feet off "his" effing couch. He is cursing at her, swearing up and down, screaming and poor Judy is like 'But… um… do you want some fairy dust? I'm awful sorry but my feet just hurt. Wait – who are you?' Ryan almost slips and says he owns the place then remembers he doesn't and resumes screaming at her. Poor Judy!

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Judy rushes outside amid a barrage of cuss words, finds Lydia and says she wants to go home. When Vicki gets wind of what happened she is speechless and doesn't do anything. She just sort of opens and closes her too tight mouth and sputters. Ryan then storms over and starts screaming at Judy some more, calling her a bitch, yelling about how she disrespected him and the house – VICKI'S HOUSE – and was cussing at him. 

Poor Ryan, reality TV rookie, little does he know even if you are out of camera range when you're mic'd the camera hears all. Joe Giudice 101! So, yep we all heard him screaming at an elderly woman, cursing her out, and treating her disgustingly! Briana tries to defend Ryan, but he is totally out of control and indefensible. Lydia is crying, Doug is waffling around doing nothing but being a cute little piece of Jesus-lovin' biscotti, and Vicki is making things worse by saying NOTHING except stop and wait a minute. Finally Alexis suggests Ryan get some fairy dust from the lord and Tarma tries to make a funny about how she's usually the bitchy one. 

Lydia and Judy decide to stay. I think Vicki owes Lydia a pair of friendship shoes after all of that!

Vicki's brother Billy is the only one who confronts Ryan and demands he knock it off. He reminds him it's Vicki's house and she makes the rules. Ryan stomps off with Briana on his tail. 

Vicki follows them and tries to explain that his behavior is unacceptable. Ryan insists that Judy screamed at him and is a bitch. Delusional much?! Vicki looks so defeated. She says she just wanted a fun party. She tells Briana that she's going to continue to see Brooks. Briana says she's moving out.

They need to stop! I used to feel like Briana had a point with Brooks, but you know what, it's Vicki's life and she can make her own choices. Briana and Ryan are holding Vicki hostage in her own home and using Troy as leverage. It seems like Briana and Vicki have remained close despite her on-again/off-again relationship with Brooks. Vicki recently posted photos of facebook of her in Greece with Briana. Hopefully she didn't pick up any toothless drifters… 

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Moving on Tamra has a touching moment with Alexis and Jim. She admits she was harsh in judging Alexis and chokes out that Alexis is a good… <gag, cough, cough> person with a heart of <retch> gold. I'm sure Tamra was seriously choking on her own vomit as she gagged out the praise. But Alexis started crying and used Jim's scarf to wipe her eyes. Proving that Jimblob will never change he price drops that the scarf is $1000 and 'Lex is ruining it. He also cuts her off as she beams at him and continues to live in a delusional fantasy world that their relationship is now equal. 

Did Tamra and Gretchen have an argument again? Did I block that out? I'm gonna go with all signs point to yes!

And then we get to Slave. See Vicki has a new product called Vicki's Vodka. Which will be producing Bacon Vodka and Bloody Piggy drinks (ew). Vicki dedicates a shade-laden toast to Slave making fun of how she looks, stating that his Miss Piggy insults were her inspiration. She presents him with a bottle of vodka. It's Tupperware Face's Revenge!! 

Gretchen is miffed that Vicki is promoting her drink as if we haven't been forced to suffer through like 10,000 hours of Gretchen Christine vomit – including her engagement song! Maybe Gretchen and Vicki can partner up on Gretchen Christine Vicki's Vodka barf bags! 

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Vicki and Slade get into a big argument about how he shouldn't be making fun of women's looks. Tupperware Face or no, Vicki is angry. Slade and Gretchen lash back that Vicki insulted Slade's character and parenting which was so much worse. And it just goes on and on and on and on about the whole deadbeat dad BS. Been there, DONE THAT! Slade says he's only mean to people who are mean to him. 

Which is when Lydia jumps into the mix to remind him that he was a real ass to her and she's never done anything to him. And Cheeseburger, pleaseburger gate rages on. They go back and forth about what a pathetic, shallow jerk Slade is. He tells us Vicki is a dI@k and should put it back in her pants if she wants to be treated like a lady. Does Gretchen make "tuck its" as part of her fashion empire? Maybe jock straps? If not Alexis probably does. Long story short, no one finds it acceptable that Slave makes fun of women's looks for attention and career prospects, except Gretchen who looks like a cheap drug store Malibu Farbie and probably farts acrylic. 

Lydia is disgusted and announces she would never carry a Gretchen Christine "tote" which is a shame because Tupperware Totes are probably really useful if you need something waterproof. Warning do not heat in microwave; may melt. 

Eventually the party truly implodes. Vicki is cry/whining/yelling. Everyone is consoling her. Slave is chugging bacon vodka and beggin for a spinoff. Gretchen is flipping her hair around and flopping her polyester gown and bitching and whining. Vicki tells Gretchen she feels sorry for her that she is stuck with Slade. And while it is ironic coming from Vicki (ahem… Brokes!), it's entirely true. 

Vicki better hope she doesn't land in a Gretchen Christine bodybag because something about Slave – and Ryan – seems a little on the edge of dangerous. Oh yeah, Radio Slade got canceled. 

Yeah, so that was a big ol' bitch-fest precursor to the reunion. Ready?!

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – WORSE SIGNIFICANT OTHER: BROOKS OR SLADE? WAS RYAN COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE WITH JUDY? WILL ALEXIS AND TAMRA BE FRIENDS NEXT SEASON?

 

 

 

 

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