Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.
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Kristen Doute is in purgatory for her misbehavior so she'll be staying behind at SUR instead of gyrating on the float. Kristen pretends to be happy about it. …Meanwhile she is furiously texting Stassi and Katie Maloney to keep tabs on Tom 1 and Ariana.
Lisa also discovers Jax's new tattoo and an argument ensues about devotion when Jax accuses Tom 1 of not even being willing to get a tat of Kristen when they've been dating FIVE YEARS. Kristen started to shake and crumble a little and her eyes welled up with tears that smelled suspiciously of coffee-flavored vodka and menthol cigs (to quote Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Flunky No. 2). Tom 1 avoided eye contact with her.
PETER worked on the float and I have to say, that man can really operate a staple gun. Grrrroooowl! Stassi comes over to complain until she learns that she'll be the "Champagne Queen" which is a total step up from her usual role as Princess of the Booze Hounds. You go girl! Then Lisa's massive white barge bottoms out on an incline and takes out some precious BH pavement and Lisa scampers away before her taxes are raised. I heard she blamed Kyle Richards for the damage citing the Kyle by Kaftanous Kreatures delivery truck crashed! Her store is on the same street.
Jax and Peter hit the bars where Jax catches the eye of a 21-year-old ballerina. She is persuaded to come home with him under the pretense of seeing his Le Tigre face in the dark. Lucky him he can add "relations with a ballerina" to his resume – right under porn star and politician's wife, or something.
Scheana heads to the recording studio to work on a new song citing all the exposure she's gonna get from the parade. She claims her fete of autotune's mastery "Freak Me" (or is it Single White Female Me?) is "huge" in the gay clubs. Huge as in huge flop? Anyway, Scheana also tells us she's never had any vocal training. You're kidding! Imagine that…
On the day of the parade Bobby Trendy's illegitimate twin, Kevin Lee is out in full-force demanding the air brush tattoo gun work overtime. And Scheana is gyrating on an umbrella wearing Yolanda Foster's old swimsuit. Stassi gets to sit in a giant champagne glass. Of course before the float even takes off she learns of Jax's "unfaithfulness" in the form of above 21-year-old ballerina.
Stassi flips out and starts berating him about how he is disloyal. In the only smart moment of his entire life, Jax explains that Stassi keeps him around In Case of Emergency but doesn't really care about him. No amount of Lisa telling Stassi to shove a cork in it can get her to shut up about Jax. If that weren't bad enough, we're also listening to the sounds of Scheana's "freaking" on a loop. Fourty. Four. Times.
Is it too much to hope that Stassi falls out of that champagne glass on top of Scheana and they both get taken out?
Back at SUR drama is unfurling because Kristen has been stalking Tom 1's phone and discovered he has been TEXTING (TEXTING, PEOPLE!) Ariana. The purloined texts reveal a conversation about how Tom 1 wishes it were Coachella again and Ariana suggesting they acquire a boombox and recreate Coachella in her back yard. Is Coachella a new slang for "sex" in Idiot- Land? Is it Coachella or Cooch-ella?
Egged on by Stassi and Katie, Kristen decides Pride Day – the busiest day of SUR's year – is the perfect time to confront Ariana about whether or not she slept with Tom. Instead of telling her she did just to shut her up, Ariana stonewalls her and keeps it ice cool. I told you she was Ice, Ice Baby!
Kristen falls apart and starts crying about how Tom 1 cheated in Vegas and gives all the gory salacious details of his Jax-ified weekend with a go-go dancer and their shower sex. Quickly recovering from barfing in the maraschino cherries, Ariana is like, "Sorry – can't help you. NEXT!" She explains that years ago, in a jealous rage, Kristen started the Tom 1 and Ariana rumors and then it's gotten back to her in a sick twisted game of slutty telephone except Kristen now cannot remember starting the rumors. Karma, baby, karma!
Since Ariana won't satisfy her need for insanity, Kristen turns her attention to Tom 1 where she starts screeching at him on the street with "screen-shotted evidence" (is that admissible in court) that he's clearly carrying on an inappropriate relationship with Ariana. Tom 1 keeps his cool also, and the non-reactions of these two is driving Kristen to Stassi territory. Do you think they coordinate this offense to throw her off their scent?
Kristen decides right then and there they are in the wrong relationship. Tom 1 drops to his knees, looks to the skies, clasps his hands in prayer and bellows, "Thank you Jesus" Later he Jax, and Tom 2 celebrate their freedom with their own pride float – it's a big day when a man finally retrieves his balls from a T.J. Maxx designer discount hobo bag. I think Stassi holds the good quality balls in her Chanel…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL TOM 1 AND KRISTEN FINALLY END THEIR MERRY GO-ROUND RELATIONSHIP? MOST ANNOYING PERSON ON THE FLOAT: SCHEANA OR STASSI?