Oh for peet's sake Stassi Schroeder needs to be on meds. She is categorically insane. I mean she must have her own category in the DSM-V.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules the fallout from last week's drunken disclosures continued! So Katie Maloney got like super wasted and her hair turned an even more obnoxious shade of bronze and she also repeated a rumor that Jax Taylor and Kristen Doute slept together when he and Stassi were broken up.
This turns Stassi all shades of paranoid as she starts speculating whether or not the rumors are true. All her 'friends' hoping to replace Kristen whip out their secret stash of bash books to speculate that Kristen could do something like that – and not only that, she would do something like that.
Stassi claims the proof is that Kristen isn't over-reacting when confronted. Maybe because Kristen heard through that same rumor mill that Jax has syphoghonaherphilitis (allegedly) and ain't nobody got time for that!
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Detective Stassi decides to get the truth out of Jax by taking him to some club that does a brunch of debauchery. Her plan is to get him wasted on ultimate mimosas, corner him and demand her tell her the truth about Kristen. Sounds like Stassi is wasting a perfectly good opportunity to have fun and instead act like a buzzkillista.
Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 2, Kristina, who needs to eat 16 cheeseburgers and smile because she's even more dour and wet blanket-y than her idol Stassi, is playing wing buzzkillista in the plan.
While Stassi and Kristina are plotting outside the restaurant, Jax, Peter Madrigal, and Tom 2 get wasted and dance on tables while girls stuff dollars down their pants and give them champagne bl*w jobs. This is some brunch! Do you get eggs with that? Furthermore isn't Tom 2 "practically engaged" to Katie?! Aren't practically engaged people supposed to refrain from public displays of raunchery – see last week's episode – or is that only Scheana Marie? More on her practically engaged-ment later.
Stassi and Kristina pry Jax away and probe him about what happened with Kristen. Jax denies having any sexual relations with her, claiming Kristen is like a sister to him. Stassi and Hiss-tina are dubious. And Stassi cannot let her suspicions go.
Stassi even tells Lisa Vanderpump about the gossip. Lisa admits she's heard the rumor too but tells Stassi to tread lightly. If I were Lisa I'd tell Stassi to get my overly-inflated ego out of my a$$ and get a grip. Lisa gets herself too involved in the drama of her employees, she needs to lead by example perhaps.
After obsessing about it for days on end, Stassi corners Katie at her "practically engaged" apartment and asks her exactly what she heard concerning Kristen and Jax's almost certain hookup. She then forces Katie to admit that she believes Kristen and Jax could have slept together.
Stassi then plays a "surprise" visit to Kristen and Tom 1's ramshackle loveless den and surprisingly they are home. Stassi demands Kristen turn over her phone so she can text Jax pretending to be Kristen and ask him about the hookup. Of course, Jax is like what??? Huh? What night in January? Damn was I really that drunk that I don't remember f–king Miss Psychotic Sur 2013. I do need AA.
Stassi is relieved. Kristen can continue being her henchwoman errrr…. best friend. When Kristen tells Stassi she owes her an apology for doubting her, Stassi hesitates then begrudgingly apologizes. Kristen hugs her anyway. Kristen needs counseling for low self-esteem.
Now onto the other drama. Scheana Marie is so practically engaged, she's dragging Shay who's practically straight and practically vocal to look at engagement rings. Scheana brags that Shay is sooooo different from the other men she's dated because he's not already married. /side-eye.
Back at SUR, Lisa is having personnel problems per the usual. She decides to hire a secret diner to critique the staff's behavior while she's not there. The secret diners start off in the bar where Scheana, their waitress, completely ignores them to spend an inordinate amount of time gossiping with Tom 1 about Katie spreading rumors and being a bitch. When Scheana finally serves them they've passed out from hunger and are being feasted on by other diners.
Then Katie further holds up the process when she comes over to involve herself in the drama and apologize for going all Brandi Glanville: drunk, crunk, and disorderly. Needless to say it took a while to get their corn fritters and their check.
The secret diners then head over to the restaurant where Stassi is their server and is surprisingly efficient and professional. Unlike Jax who messes up the drinks and then spends the entire time consulting his phone to see if anyone is texting him about whether or not he slept with Kristen.
When Lisa receives the report she's less than impressed. She warns Scheana and Jax to shape up because this won't be the last time a secret diner shows up. Next time she'll probably catch Jax and Kristen in the act of having sex on the bar. Or you know in the bathroom – we know Jax has done that before!
Seriously – Maybe Lisa should just hire a secret server to get to the bottom of all the drama to minimize the constant game of sexual "telephone" circulating around this restaurant like an infectious illness.
And with that, a wonderful holiday to all of our Reality Tea readers. Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and showing us the continued love!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS STASSI OVER-REACTING TO THE RUMOR OR DID SHE HAVE A RIGHT TO DOUBT HER FRIEND?