Yesterday we celebrated a day of extreme national significance. A day that brings attention to the very important cause of narcissism and immaturity. It was Stassi Schroeder's birthday and if I had a dollar for every time I heard that on Vanderpump Rules last night…
Stassi has invited everyone she hates and semi-likes to celebrate her birthday. She invited Scheana Marie in the six seconds they liked each other, but now she regrets it. She did not invite Jax Taylor, so he invited himself. Hey – I'd invite myself on a Vacation by Bravo, too!
Every 15 seconds Stassi gets out her bullhorn and police baton to announce its her birthday and demand people have fun her way or else she'll beat them. This continues throughout the entire episode…
Before leaving, Lisa Vanderpump takes Peter Madrigal out for tea. Peter admits he's going on the trip for the free booze and for the opportunity to laugh at these people. And there will be girls in bikinis too. Lisa seems hesitant to let him go – her only decent employee!
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At the airport the girls stand around being sour-faced. I'd warn them to be careful or their faces will freeze that way, but they already have! Bitchface By Bravo… permanent as plastic surgery, y'all! None of the girls want to wait for Scheana before checking in but alas she and her straw hat arrive just in time with Shay. There was a silent round of 'Ugh' faces exchanged.
While she may be desperate and pathetic, Scheana is not stupid. She's aware that no one wants her here, but dammit if she's losing camera time over Skanki & the Bunch. Two can play this game and Stassi makes it abundantly clear that just because Scheana is on this trip, she's not on this trip.
At the airport bar everyone does a shot but excludes Scheana so when they decide to do girl van vs. boy van to the hotel Scheana hops in the boy van where she announces, in front of Shay, that she'd rather be gang banged by every single guy there than ride in the chariot of bitches.
At the hotel the girls vs. boys thing continues when all the girls share Stassi's suite. She was upgraded by Lisa which cues a lot of oooohing and aaaaahing and ohmigawds! Back at SUR Lisa gets a "thank you" phone call and secretly hopes the better accommodations will encourage them to really amp up the drama.
Everyone is getting ready to go out and Jax desperately needs a hairdryer so he pops down to the girls' room under the pretense of borrowing one. On the way there he either a) lost his balls and therefore his ability to be manishly above gossip – yay for stereotypes! b) the chip Stassi implanted in his brain, which gives her the ability to control him, was activated, or c) he's a pathetic, grasping famewhore who would do anything for some camera time. Or it could be a charming combination of all three!
After nabbing the dryer Jax informs Stassi about Scheana's gang bang comment. All the girls freak out as if Scheana actually invited the boys to gang bang her, after calling Vivid Entertainment. Stassi is furious that no one threw Scheana out the window of the van in a Mexican desert in defense of her honor. She decides to enact her revenge by completely stonewalling Scheana all night.
At the club, Scheana is bummed that no one is paying attention to her. Tom 2 feels bad and gives her a shot which causes Katie Maloney and Kristen Doute to spaz. Kristen threatens to get SECCCCCRTY called and Katie screams at Tom for letting Scheana drink the alcohol they paid for. Um… does Katie own Bravo now? Cause that bitch can't even afford to pay for hair dye from a salon. Speaking of which, why was she styling her hair like an old episode of Ab-Fab and prancing around in a leopard print caftan from Kyle's Kaftan Emporium: Where flattering clothes go to die!
Scheana gets revenge by telling the busboy to clear the table while everyone is outside smoking and arguing. Oh yeah, Drunki-Katie started arguing with Tom 2 about how he exists. She tried to grab his drink while he tried to flee from her flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz style and in the process the drink ended up on her head. Katie did melt. She melted right there into a puddle of Wet-N-Wild makeup and tequila salty tears on the sidewalk in Cabo while Tom ran off for serenity with the boys.
Katie ugly cryfaces about how she's not drunk, she's been pacing herself, and been very "judicious" in her drinking. Katie's definition of judicious differs form mine! She's never forgiving Tom 2 unless he licks toe jam out of her feet.
Tom 2 claims he feels bad for giving his girlfriend a gin-shower, but you can tell he's so relieved to be rid of her. Then the girls go skinny dipping and Stassi tells us over and over and over again that she has DDs. Go home girl, you're dreaming that you're Jessica Simpson from the Daisy Duke era! If you mashed all the boobs together from every girl on that cast it wouldn't equal a set of DDs.
The next morning it's all forgive and forget – kinda. Tom 2 halfheartedly apologizes. Everyone continues to ignore Scheana and they all have fun on a boat, drinking. Peter gets to judge the grossest wet t-shirt contest ever. Proof that no one "won": Peter did not need the boner reducing ice shower.
That night Stassi warns Katie she better not get emotional and argue with Tom during her birthday dinner. Apparently the president will be there along with a shirtless Brad Pitt and nothing and nobody's drama better ruin it. A tearful Katie puts on another unflattering schmatta that matches her hair shade and mopes downstairs.
And now, an interlude: Are you there God? It's me Katie. I just really wish someone understood me. I thought I was practically engaged to Tom because I showed him my pinterest engagement page and looked at a few rings on Etsy and he said, "Cool." But then he never went to Jared! I think it's my hair. I shouldn't have listened to Stassi – it's ORANGE! And it won't go away! And sometimes my boobs itch when I get nervous. And sometimes I drink too much. And I worry that I smell like Kristen and she stinks like stale coffee and American Spirit cigarettes. I shouldn't have stolen Scheana's false eyelashes because I think they have pink eye. Please help me! I guess I'll go watch Girls now and cry.
Back to the show. At dinner Scheana again proves she's a vicious as Stassi by 'casually' asking why Tom 2 poured a drink on Katie's head. And cue a huge argument about how Tom 2 makes feel unloved and belittled.
Stassi starts yelling about how everyone is ruining her birthday. But no one cares because the crazy express has left the station! It's Stassi's party and you can only cry if she lets you!
[Photo Credit: Carlos Aboyo/Bravo]
TELL US – WAS TOM TOTALLY OUT OF LINE FOR POURING A DRINK ON KATIE? WORSE COUPLE: KATIE AND TOM2 OR KRISTEN AND TOM1?