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rhobh-recap

Last night Carlton Gebbia really let the witch out of the bag – flying broomsticks, evil spells, creepy crystal floral talismans and all! 

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are friends-ish again. Well at least for the sake of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills purposes. Since Ken and Mauricio truly are friends, Kyle and Lisa decide to get together with Kevin Lee (!!) to throw a joint birthday party. Oh Kevin Lee… let's discuss what's going on atop your head: part Brillo pad, part tasered porcupine: too much hair gel, mmmkay. 

As Lisa and Kyle divvy up the guest list Kyle gets all porcupiney - she just wants to know why there's gotta be teams allocating who invites whom. 

UGH – let's just take a moment to discuss Kyle. Listen, Kyle was annoying me the whole episode: she kept making her little snarky comments, making everything into a bigger deal than it was, and sneaking in shade while acting like everything was fine – basically she was Splits-ing. But then CARLTON! Snarlton… SNARLTON with her Wicked Witch of The Valley complete with California Raisin face had to go all wicca-wacka and made me feel bad for Kyle. There's more to Kyle's witchiness than her fondness for flowing robes, but compared to Snarlton, Kyle is a sweet innocent. 

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST! 

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Party planning with Lisa makes Kyle frustrated. Kevin and Lisa are taking over because fried macaroni and cheese balls, and white caftans and disco dance floors, and inflatable bounce houses and all the things at Kyle's party are tacky. So Kyle sulks that it's not about her and she doesn't want water ballerinas, she wants psychics! PSYCHICS! Again! Well too bad, cause you got PSYCHOS instead (Snarlton).

On the day of the party Kyle even showed up late, skulking through the door in some crystal pageant dress-nightgown whining about how nobody needed her to do anything so it didn't matter anyway. I really wish Lisa would have looked her up and down and said, "Well I mean it was a matter of taste…" And while the entertainment was lacking the table was stunning! Back to the party later…

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Brandi Glanville is doing the cover photo shoot for her new book. Which is about dating, so naturally she wants to look like a drunken and disheveled 50's housewife on the cover in pouffy dresses holding oven mitts. Luckily Brandi's new editor, Nancy, who Brandi describes as a c-u-next-tuesday is there to steer the cover in the right direction. 

Right direction like lowcut dresses with bra straps hanging out – you know, true Brandi! Brandi claims she's more than just a party girl, she's also a mom, not slutty because "slutty is like labia" and she at least wears underwear. I really don't care because that person on the cover is NOT Brandi – it's a photoshopped approximation of what Brandi could look like 20-years-ago pre fillers. 

Joyce Giraud and Carlton meet for lunch. Carlton doesn't want to be there because she hates Joyce and doesn't like hair flippancy in her food, but she goes anyway. Joyce is on a mission however – she wants to know if Carlton put a hex on Michael because he got super sick after the painting with lemons party at Yolanda Foster's house. All the hens were a'cacklin about hexes and then Joyce told Carlton she didn't believe in curses and boom! Michael was ill. Are we sure Yolanda didn't give him some rancid Master Cleanse?

Joyce wants to know if Carlton's curse was responsible. So she asks. And Carlton freaks out about how she does not use magic negatively. Snarlton's eyes turn into lasers and she hisses that how dare Joyce accuse her of hurting children or turning towards the dark arts.

In response, Joyce flippancies her hair and says, well you DID tell me something would happen alter that night. And then something did. So obviously I want to ask about the threat. Even though Joyce doesn't know the word flippancy from a hair flip, she is right and damn her for being so logical about it. Now go get some Rosetta Stone so you can really play Words With Friends against these bitches! Also, Snarlton totally put Joyce off her french fries which was the true crime in all this.

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Yolanda bonds with Gigi before she leaves for college and Kim Richards bonds with Kimberly while getting tattoos. Yolanda is micro-managing Gigi's packing and color-coordinating her winter clothing, meanwhile Kim is getting butterflies inked on her wrist cause she's totally a butterfly in her other life. And Kimberly now strangely has Joyce's hair. I think Kim should have gotten a werepuppy tattoo but I guess she didn't want a picture of baby Carlton on her wrist. Whatever, Kim!

And now back to the party! Brandi arrives with JR, whom she is still off and on with. He is apparently the male equivalent of a Real Housewife because they bicker, but love each other, but lie to each other, but can't get away from each other, and never open up emotionally, but they're so super close. Exhausting. Lisa just wants her to settle down and be happy, but Brandi says she likes dysfunction. Oh really… 

Carlton arrives and surprisingly I like her dress, sadly her attitude is very foul. Joyce stayed home because she doesn't need to deal with Michael getting hexed again. Yolanda is supporting her king at his daughter's wedding and Kim is ordering werepuppies online so she won't be lonely. 

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The party was so fun for a while! Lisa and Kyle were being cute; they were having fun. After Kevin Lee's "entertainment" turned out to be two girls who play Tinkerbell at Disneyland and lied saying they could do synchronized swimming but can't even swim, Lisa made Kevin, his disco manties, and Jax Taylor hop into the pool as a joke. Kevin got way too excited. It was hilarious. Truly. 

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Since Scheana Marie was there as a waitress, Lisa encouraged Brandi to be nice and maybe congratulate her on her engagement. And then later Brandi kind of did. She ran into Scheana talking to Ken, and after wrapping her legs around Ken, she looked at Scheana's ring and then told her she no longer believed in marriage. But that was ONLY after Scheana snipped that Brandi wasn't really happy for her. It was atrociously awkward. Ken just imagined himself in a safe place petting Giggy and Lisa in the D&G cleavage dress. 

The best part of the night was when Brandi told Lisa she couldn't get sugar in her Vodka/Soda because she's doing a sugar cleanse. Um… errrrr… a cleanse, with Vodka. Yolanda is scowling from above. 

But then things went bad over dinner. Lisa and Kyle were cute in toasting their hubbies, Pandora gave Ken a huge portrait of Giggy, but Kyle started diagnosing Brandi about all the reasons she's hard to get along with (she puts up walls) and playing Dr. Housewife, therapist to drama queens. 

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Unfortunately there was one case she could not crack: Snarlton. Who suddenly is all over Kyle because Kyle brought up Lisa's 3/4 of a nipple joke. Even though, as Kyle pointed out, nipples were the main accessories of the entire waitstaff at Carlton's STDpalooza she called a party. 

Snarlton was RIDICULOUS! She was accusing Kyle of all these outrageous things based on her dream. And she is drowning the necklace Kyle gave her in water to cleanse it from Kyle's evil judging. "If you don't want to be treated like a witch, don't act like a witch," Kyle suggested, which Carlton said was "labeling".

Carlton was especially furious that Kyle commented on her tattoo and thought it was a Star of David. Kyle wonders if if Carlton is anti-semitic.  Snarlton was waiting for that comment to prove to her that Kyle is calculated in systematically disrespecting her. Also, she kept fingering this creepy gold and crystal flower thing and I was afraid she might stab Kyle with it and deflate a caftan. It was eerie.

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Finally Snarlton stomped away and fled the party. And to that I say, good riddance to bad rubbish. "She is so disgusting," Kyle snapped in parting. Amen, sister caftan, amen! 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

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