On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, we dipped into the complex relationships of married couples having problems and the woman who decided it was her duty to help them out using shade, manipulation, and rompers. Kenya Moore, you benevolent soul!
Following the flip your coupledom dinner party, Kenya sits down with Miss Lawrence. She's just finished working out and is tucking into a big plate of fruit. "I have to take care of my figure and watch what I eat. I don't want to leave this trip looking like Phaedra." Phaedra Parks who JUST HAD A BABY. Phaedra and Kenya need some new original material besides fat and slut zingers. Kenya also has to take care of her figure because African mysterio prince is her only man and errr… yeah.
Speaking of men she doesn't have, Kenya wants to coerce Apollo into a one-on-one so she can force him to admit he lied about the nature of their relationship. Kenya values honesty apparently. Except where her romantic relationships are concerned, then it's like, "Honesty? Who's that? We've never dated… "
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As far as Porsha Stewart is concerned Kenya has no regrets about putting her "hired beard" marriage on the hot seat. Kenya feels bad for Kordell because Porsha was a trophy wife who wasn't much of a trophy. Poor Porsha was actually a gift certificate wife – not even first runner up! – and can be redeemed for one coloring book and a thanks for playing. I think Porsha is at least worth a pack of crayons in addition to the coloring book. But yes, her PR stunt marriage definitely makes her a failed stunt queen. Twirl off the stage and try again next time!
Kenya has a full itinerary of events. First up Cave of Terror. She splits the couples up into vans, Phaedra ends up in the van with NeNe Leakes, Gregg and Porsha. And they're getting along swimmingly. Moore on that later.
In the other van is Cynthia Bailey, Peter, Kenya and her +1 extraness hangin' on by a twirl Lawrence, along with Kandi Burruss and Todd. Aaaahhhh… Kandi and Todd. There still is drama - Todd explains Kandi's family does not approve of their marriage and wedding planning is at a standstill. He wants Kandi to demand her mother go to counseling with her so they can build their marriage on the right foot. I agree! Kandi is still hesitant. I love Todd – he is so respectful, mature, and supportive. If Mama Joyce can't see how much he loves Kandi than she is a fool.
In the other car, Gregg is suggesting Porsha put on a peep show for her neighbors in the outside shower. And NeNe and Apollo arranged a romantical walk on the beach together starring Apollo in heels to be eye-to-eye with the Neenster.
And then there is caving. Slithering along the ground near the entrance is a big, giant boa constrictor which sends everyone into a shrieking frenzy. Especially Gregg who goes "mmmm… mmmm… mmmm…" and fans himself with a palm frond. Phaedra fixes her steely eyes on the thing and demands it retreat. She plans to make it into a pair of shoes and a purse. Jimmy Choo on speed-dial. "I don't mess with snakes," quips Kenya. Which is funny, because she is a snake.
Inside the cave there is some swimming hole which Kenya calls the "Fountain of Youth" she is practically forcing everyone to get in with her as she dives in and splashes around. "Who wants to take their clothes off?!" she taunts, as I expect Nelly's 'It's Getting' Hot In Here!' to start blasting out of some rock speakers. Everyone was eyeing down Apollo.
What is up with Kenya's big ol' granny-panty bathing suit bottoms? There's some sort of awkwardness as Phaedra decides Apollo isn't allowed to swim alone with Kenya. I don't blame her – Kenya was up to something in that "fountain of ulterior motives." Moore on that later.
After the caving Kenya's has arranged another "adventure" to go see a fertility shaman. Along for the ride, on the Guard Your Ovaries section of the vacation, are NeNe, Cynthia, Kandi and… MISS LAWRENCE!? They're supposed to be supporting Kenya to achieve her ultimate goal of immaculate fertilization deep in the jungle of Mexico with some smoke, chanting, and teeny little stone men that were purchased from the gift shop for the inflated price of $29.99. I'm confused about why the shaman wasn't channeling a REAL MAN because doesn't that come before baby?
Kenya cries and says this ceremony is also for Kandi who wants to reproduce with Todd. NeNe crosses her legs at the ankle like she has to pee, covers her crotchal region with her hands, purses her lips and wonders when the little umbrella drinks make their appearance.
Look – Kenya oughtta just pay a visit to Kim Z. She'll light a wig on fire, throw some of Kroy's sperm in Kenya's general direction, puff a marlboro, and chant about 18 years of benjamins while sloshing white wine and cheetos. Voila – babyrita.
Afterwards the ladies talk Kenya's past relationships and desires to have a baby. It was nice. They were all getting along. Everyone shared. Miss Lawrence examined their split ends and felt a strange rumbling in his tummy. "Those enchiladas didn't agree with me," he thought. Little did he know the shaman worked on someone…
Back at the hotel, Porsha and Phaedra have been blessedly excluded from this little jaunt. Grateful for a hiatus from the Kenya Moore Express they have cocktails in the pool. "Hmph. I guess a witch would love a witch," Phaedra says of Kenya and the shaman.
After that moving experience, everyone boards a party bus with a stripper pole. Gregg gets right up in Porsha's business – it was downright gynecological. Call the fertility shaman! Cynthia did the robot.
Then while Peter is running a group therapy session on the Househusbands at the bar, Kenya slithers in with a romper and Miss Lawrence. She plops down and starts talking about sucking and blowing. You guys – you have such dirty minds! She was talking about cigars. hahahahaha (While making eyes at Apollo.) Then she asks Peter if he didn't swim in the caves because of shrinkage. Oh my gosh she was only talking about him hitting his head. Stop being so lascivious! Kenya wonders why Mommy Phaedra keeps Apollo on such a tight leash? Ummm…
Kenya then decides it's time to go to the bar for more shots. Peter's defenses are up. He knows it's a set-up and keeps telling her not to go. Krayonce is up to something. Something like… getting Apollo drunk and getting him to admit something because she wants Apollo to go to the bar with her under the guise of picking out tequila.
Or maybe Peter was afraid Krayonce would put something in their drinks. Up next on Krayonce Does Mexico, the Roofie Ride: Husbands Gone Wild. Say Cheese!
Running interference, Todd escorts Apollo to the bar while Kenya "rompers" Moore scampers up demanding to know why they don't trust her. Then she asks Apollo to have a talk. Kenya says Apollo "lied" about her and she wants to know why. He talks in tongues about how their physicality could have meshed if he was the kind of man who wanted to mesh physicality with attractiveness and WTF. Cliffnotes?
Basically Kenya wanted to get him drunk, talk circles around him, and make him admit he was using her to cover up some real cheating. When cross-examining him didn't work Kenya started giggling about how silly he was being thinking they could have had sex.
Krayonce must have sensors alerting her to Phaedra's impending arrival because that is when she really turned on the flirtation-mode. In walked Phaedra, thunder-faced and ready to pounce like a panther through the trees. "What is going on here," she glares at Apollo. Yes – what is going on here with those divorce papers Phaedra should have filed after LAST YEAR'S rumble in the jungle?
Man – Phaedra really never flinches.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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