Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies took their petty drama and their over-exposed lady parts to the Hamptons. Oh! Oh! And LuAnn de Lesseps appeared. I missed her. Awwww…. Lu – welcome back, weekend mama!
Aviva Drescher has a tagalong no one likes. Because the only tagalongs anyone likes come in a Girl Scout's Cookie box. The other problem of course is that no one likes Aviva and that Amanda cannot hold her liquor or her tongue (seriously there were Brandi Glanville levels of slurring every time that woman spoke last night. I don't know what was droopier her boobs or her articulation!).
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Sonja Morgan is taking her act on the road. Literally. She's putting on a "caburlesque" (cabaret meets burlesque – whatever that is – but is really like Grey Gardens meets granny panty flashing) for an LGBT charity. It consists of soft-core stripping, shoving your butt out, and some nonsensical scat poetry. She should have hired Carole Radziwill as her ghostwriter.
Before Sonja even gets out to the Hamptons problems arise. Problems like she's late to rehearsal and overly focused on the youth of her uterus and the sassiness of her persona than the actual performance. Her interns, scared inanimate object-monikered baby deer, spend the entire episode exchanging glances seen in horror movies.
Getting to the Hamptons, Sonja has to take her 1945 convertible out of storage, the battery is dead and the gas tank is on E, the radiator started smoking and Sonja shoved her face in the steam and quipped about never wanting to waste a good facial! At the house she's renting she wanders around in a high-wasted bikini and is excited that they finally have hot water. Apparently her UES townhome has no HOT WATER. I'm guessing she has an intern permanently assigned to boiling vats of it for showers. I'm thinking we need to call CPS on Sonja – these poor interns! Especially that Pickles (formerly Pizza), who never speaks and just wanders around fetching wine and empty wine glasses. And lord knows that creepy Harry Dubin has probably attempted to rub his spray tan on all of them.
Kristen Taekman can't handle the intern-nonsense. You can tell it gives her hives just being around the disorganized, flustered mess that is Sonja In The City. She thinks Sonja should stop poisoning the minds of our nation's youth, hauling these little bedraggled beings around (children need stability!) and just get a decent PAID personal assistant. Amen, sister, Amen! Although interning for Sonja, much like watching 16 and Pregnant, is a good lesson in what not to do!
Sonja whimpers that she really needs Pinot Singer here to help her organize, but alas Ramona is examining elephant genitalia in Africa. Mario probably left her at home wtih a box of wine and Animal Planet turned on – Ramona will never know the difference!
Carole, Heather Thomson, and Kristen start out their Hamptons weekend with a surf lesson. Getting the wetsuit on and off gave us ample sighting of Carole's nearly-naked butt. I thought Sonja "Sexy J" was the stripper? Carole can't stand up on her board but she can hit on hot Israeli surfers and wear BOOTS on the beach! Seriously why was she wearing ankle boots with a bikini? Did she need a place to stash her ghostwriter?
On the night of Caburlesque, Sonja is so wholly unprepared she's watching YouTube videos on how to perform burlesque while getting dressed. It dawns on her that she's performing for 500 people in an airplane hangar but she doesn't even know where her tights are. Naturally instead of learning the routine she scraps her backup dancers in exchange for a solo improv. Somewhere on the Sahara, Ramona sits straight up with a nightsweat – she has a bad feeling. She wakes Mario in a panic, Sonja, the shell to her turtletime is in trouble. "I gotta get back there," she spazzes, crazy-eyeing the clock. Mario blindly hands her a pinot and reminds her there are wild lions outside. This is what menopause looks like, Amanda Saunders would say, chugging a vodka soda with a twist of rosé.
LuAnn shows up and Aviva immediately commandeers her to regale her with stories of Carole's immorality and insults. LuAnn is unsurprised given that Carole refused to address her as "The Countess" last season. This leads them to deduce that Carole is "not a girls-girl!" The most terrible insult of all.
Aviva's image consultant is standing nearby complaining constantly about the quality of the liquor. Amanda is pissed that Harry Dubin didn't recognize her with clothes on. Carole is avoiding Aviva for the sake of good manners and then realizes the place cards have them sitting next to each other. Heather does a quick switcheroo and Aviva is on the otherside of the table with Amanda Sauced-Up. For an image consultant, she certainly rocks a bad look Kristen says.
Sonja does the show solo on the strength of her mettle and her $12.99 bustier from StripCity in LIC. The thing looked flammable and I think it was leaking poison into Sonja's bloodstream which is the only reason I can explain her attraction to Harry Dubin or her decision to perform burlesque. But I guess you can't throw a girl outta bed for trying! While Sonja raps about losing her money in her divorce, Amanda makes fun of her from the wings. "This is what menopause looks like," she slurs as Aviva cackles and Heather restrains herself from pulling off her fat binding pantyhose and shanking a bitch.
Sonja's no Dita Von Teese, Carole tells us. And true, Sonja is not, but who doesn't love a good middle-aged nipslip? And Harry is no George Clooney. Kristen is surprised he's so swarthy. And ruddy. And sweaty. And short. And lascivious. Are all these single middle-aged gals that desperate she wonders? Yes, have you not watched SATC, Kristen? Have you not met Brandi, Kristen? Although, Kristen with that hubby of hers, may have little room to talk. She may be riding the Harry Dubin Express Peen next season!
The next day Kristen hosts a swimsuit party and everyone goes to discuss the rudeness of Amanda. Meanwhile, Amanda has brunch with Aviva, Harry, and Reid. Harry is George (Aviva's father) Jr. he makes lewd comments through brunch as Amanda puts away the Bloody Marys and puts out her thighs. She invites Harry to be her date at LuAnn's BBQ later. A BBQ LuAnn purposefully did not invite Harry to. Aviva thinks it's a smashing idea.
At LuAnn's, Heather is dressed like a fortune teller again. Carole is wearing, well, I dunno what – a mishmash of oddities. And earrings that resemble something from the Blanche Devereaux Collection. LuAnn, proving her class with the countessness, does not bat an eye at Harry's uninvited arrival and offers him a drink. Luckily he's indisposed with Amanda's low-hanging rack. Amanda – that's what menopause looks like. Call Heather; she can help a girl out with some support.
Harry is as rude as Amanda and clearly not into her, but she doesn't notice in her drunken haze. She also doesn't seem to realize she's even talking to the same Sonja whom she spent the evening before insulting on every level. Sonja is trying to mark her "Harritory", however, and is sizing up her competition. Amanda's uterus may be younger and her hot water may come out hot, but Sonja's are perkier!
Carole decides it's time to put the past to rest with LuAnn, so she apologizes for some hurtful comments she made last season. LuAnn, who has clearly relaxed a lot in the off-season, accepts and they endeavor to be friends. It seemed legit and sincere. But Aviva thinks Carole is playing chess and trying to recruit LuAnn to her side. This old chess analogy again. Same lingo, different franchise. Can't we just play Twister or Chutes & Ladders strategically instead? Chess is not the only smart people game out there, gals, there is also Battleship, and Scrabble, and Words With Friends, and Candy Crush Saga, and Twitter Wars.
Things are going smoothly. The steaks and salads are served, Harry hasn't schtupped anyone in the bathroom, and then Aviva sits down with Sonja, Kristen, and LuAnn to discuss #BookGate. While Kristen and LuAnn were largely silent, Sonja took it upon herself to decipher the issues between Carole and Aviva. Sonja believes the underlying problem is that Carole was unsupportive of Aviva's quest to write a story and that it doesn't matter who wrote it.
No Sonja, it does matter, but we've been over this last week and the week before. Aviva is acting as if Sonja gets where her reason for lying, slandering, and besmirching came from. Sonja is the smartest girl in the room, she has mastered FarmTown! They seal their breakthrough with a kiss, Sonja is looking for Harry out of the corner of her eye – she thinks he would be turned on. Gross. I'd rather watch caburlesque again than imagine that.
Sonja calls Carole and Heather over so they can talk. Carole isn't into it but LuAnn wants a peace treaty. Sadly Amanda is on the case and decides she's actually the smartest person in the room. And she wants to kiss Aviva and turn Harry on. And she's drunk and drunk logic only makes sense to the drunk. Without Ramona to occupy that space, somebody's gotta. Cue Amanda getting into a huge screaming match with Heather while Aviva and Carole again bicker about slander and name-calling. LuAnn desperately tries to mediate but resorts to guzzling champagne.
Amanda bunches up her dress and waddles off to the bathroom while screaming that she's going to knock Heather out. Doesn't YummieTummie make a muzzle? Heather is hot on heels and taunts Amanda to do it. Smack her. Try it! Oh good lord.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO WON THE HAMPTONS?
To be continued next week.