Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills amends were made and diamonds were stalked.
Brandi Glanville apologized to Adrienne Maloof for surrogate-gate, because she doesn’t want it to be “awkward” when they run into each other. Uh-huh. We all know Brandi’s ulterior motive is that she needs to get to Adrienne before Lisa Vanderpump gets to her! This apology, where Brandi subtly attempted to drop hints to Adrienne that she was working on Lisa’s behalf, was another attempt of Brandi’s to join the chess team. Listen honey – stick to checkers.
Somewhere in the murky wilds between last season of RHOBH and this one, Brandi and Kim Richards became friends. Necessity is the mother of invention so the two people no one else wants to be friends with get stuck with each other. At least there were wigs!
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Brandi is moving – again – this time to a suburban sprawl in the Valley of Death. Like a gypsy Brandi moves every year because she needs to cleanse – or the house was so full of dog poop, errant silicone, empty wine bottles, used condoms and ripped up pictures of LeAnn Rimes that her landlords need a cleanse from HER every year.
And because when moving you want a reliable friend you can count on to help, someone like… Rambles! Miraculously the only RHOBH event Kim has ever showed up to – on time – is Brandi’s moving day, she brings with her some hottie movers.
Brandi was dating JR, who cheated or dumped her – who really knows what but he’s now with some other girl. Brandi claims she’s over him, but talks about him about as much as she talks about Eddie, who she’s also over COMPLETELY but JR cheated and OMG – BRANDI GOT CHEATED ON YOU GUYS – BREAKING NEWS!
Replacing JR are movers, one of whom is named Jake Ryan, it’s the new (and nude!) JR, except this one is 23. Brandi and her hair stylist demand the movers take their shirts off so they can have an ab competition – the winner gets $150. Combining Chippendales and moving – only Brandi. Kim is petrified, she just clings to the edges of her folding chair and stares at Brandi – she’s praying to the trash can, y’all! The Queen of Planet Trash, to be precise.
Moving on, (see what I did there!), Lisa’s bespoke shirt maker arrives with bolts of hot pink and bright purple silk plus enough sequins to bedazzle Lisa VanderFabulous on the moon. As it should be!
Lisa pays $900 to get custom-made shirts – which are straight out of Dolly Parton‘s fantasy collection for the booby mcdazzled! As Dolly would say, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.” Now I love me some Lisa, but lord is her style stuck in the 80’s – I’m talking 9 To 5. Still, we want to see fabulous money being spent fabulously and Lisa, whose life is the living reincarnation of my Lisa Frank trapper keeper, is all fabulosity: magical, and bright, and shiny, and sparkly, and neon, and fun!
Onto normal – blah – Kyle Richards is hair flipping in a sweatshirt (in her badly lit bathroom while her dog, Kingsley Jr jumps all over the place) preparing for a family vacation to Lake Tahoe. Kyle breathlessly tells us that Mauricio reserved a private jet for the occasion. Mauricio prefers to fly private because he hates taking all the kids to the airport, which is odd considering all of Kyle’s kids are like 35 except for Portia.
As they all troop out, Kyle recounts the days when they were the slums of Beverly Hills and had to lie to the airlines on *gasp – commercial! – that their kids were under 2 to save money on seats. Now they fly private – but, meh this is no kinda private plane like David Foster‘s, this is like the dinkiest, saddest private plane ever. This is the plane version of Kyle’s kaftans, as opposed to Lisa’s shirts made from the slippery-soft skin of virgin albino dragons raised in a hanging horticulture emporium deep in the Andes Mountains and dyed with diamond dust. But hey, it’s better than the coach seat I took to my parent’s house in WV yesterday, right?! #HaterCauseImJelly.
Lisa then tells us about how she came to adopt Magdalena, her housekeeper. Lisa saw her walking to another job interview, pulled her Rolls over and said “Darling you’re with me. Get in!” They drove off into the sunset, sipping on tea and pimms. Laid back – with their mind on Lisa’s diamonds and Lisa’s diamonds on their mind! If you’re gonna get kidnapped that’s the way to go!
Speaking of breaking the law, over at Ramble’s rambling house of delusion and disaster, Brandi arrives with a mole drawn on her cheek like a wannabe Cindy Crawford. They’re going to stalk Brandi’s ex-boyfriend JR because he may be cheating on his current girlfriend. They put on wigs and set out like a modern day Cagney and Lacey, except more like Declassé and Spacey. (Don’t pretend you don’t watch classic TV at 2am!).
Brandi quips that some people would rather be polishing their diamonds – they know who they are! – than hanging out with Kim being wacky. I know who I am – I’d definitely rather polish my diamonds than crawl through the bushes of Beverly Hills in a Dollar Store wig with Rambles. JR turns up doing nothing. But Jake Ryan turned up in Brandi’s bed where they had relations and he was “hung like a horse.” Kim worried frantically for her son Chad’s safety – he’s a mere boy – his piety is at stake. Kim buys him a promise ring and makes him sign a virginity pact. Or maybe that was Kingsley…
Over at Yolanda Foster‘s house, she is bringing a whole new meaning to the term “Dutch Oven”! Dressed in lingerie (and looking fabulous) she surprised David with dinner. I so wished she would have leapt out of her fridge, corny Bachelor party-stye. David is wooed by his wife’s beauty and then they take dinner on the terrace overlooking the ocean. STOP BEING SO PERFECT! Yolanda does not, as I would do, dribble sauce on her $45,000 silk undies, but instead purrs that her love deserves home cooked meals – and dessert!
YoFridgedaire’s punishment for perfecting is gaining 5lbs. The next day she can barely button her sparkling white riding pants. Time for her to go on another lemon cleanse! Two almonds, chewed slooooowly. Yolanda meets Kim to go riding. They talk about Bella going off to college and how Yolanda must spend every moment with her. They do not talk about the moments Yolanda did not spend with Bella, when she got her DUI.
Kim says she once thought of buying a horse, but changed her mind when she realized the amount of work involved. Given how Kingsley behaves, I would say that was a wise decision. On the trail Yolanda’s horse keeps farting – I think it’s on the lemon cleanse.
Lisa Rinna meets with her 25-year-old agent, Nick. Lisa loves Nick because he is a go-getter and hustler, just like she is. Lisa will do anything to make a buck. Clearly – she’s on RHOBH. She once did a Depends commercial – she has no shame, because many-a-times those gigs have saved her bacon. They go over a pile of scripts, and Lisa agrees to test for all of them. Hey – at least Lisa is honest and not arrogant. She’s quirky, zany, and fun – I can see why she and LVP are friends.
Lipsa’s house is also haunted. Seriously. Eh – that’s probably just Rambles wandering around in her invisibility cloak.
Other Lisa and Mohamed’s fiancé Shiva go jewelry shopping. Shiva is gorgeous! Almost as gorgeous as the Beaudry diamonds Lisa is trying on. She explains that a lady should make sure to put out before birthdays and anniversaries to ensure a man will buy the good jewels! I shall be trying this – to disastrous results because my husband can’t even afford a Pomeranian let alone a $64,000 necklace (I still love him, I swear!).
Back in the vault, Lisa and Shiva determine that Lisa will have to earn her diamonds by seducing the jeweler who Lisa jokes will then owe HER money! Lisa spies a giant diamond ring that is worth more than a $263,000 Rolls. She ponders pawning Ken, but then decides perhaps she’ll just put out twice before her anniversary. Lisa and Shiva are fun together – they get each other’s sense of humor, plus Shiva is confident and elegant.
Unlike…Brandi! She burned a bridge with Lisa and the friendship will never be the same because the loyalty is gone. Once loyalty is gone, you’re left with “Hollywood friends, babe!” Brandi is, in fact, on a bridge to nowhere because Lisa learned what type of person she is. Now Brandi stuck begging Adrienne for forgiveness.
That happened. Brandi and Adrienne met for coffee where Brandi apologized for outing a family secret thus causing problems in Adrienne’s marriage. Basically Brandi’s apology went like this: “I’m sorry, but… Lisa made me do it!” Brandi told Adrienne she is done being Lisa’s puppet and was only mean to her because Adrienne and Lisa were fighting. Adrienne responded graciously.
Adrienne’s barely mobile face, makes what appears to be a bemused smirk. Brandi says she is glad Adrienne is willing to move on and if Adrienne can forgive her for something so huge, Lisa can forgive her over a “minuscule” issue. Yes, a minuscule issue like betraying a close friend. You know, no big!
Adrienne may look like tacky box of tragedy (like mismatched costume jewelry from the 80’s), but she is smart! And plays it cool. Adrienne says Brandi is an untrustworthy loose canon who refuses to take accountability because there she is blaming Lisa.
Because naturally, in case you weren’t aware, Lisa is the blame for everything: global warming, the war in Afghanistan, and the price of Louboutins being so high. She’s a dangerous bitch, that one, disguised in diamonds, hot pink sequins, and rose-scented tea. Just the way we like her.
TELL US – WAS BRANDI’S APOLOGY TO ADRIENNE SINCERE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]