Last night I had written the perfect recap in my mind, but then I fell asleep. When is read-a-brain scan technology coming out? Anyway, y’all will now have to be stuck with my sloppy seconds morning after recap of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. I hope it will suffice.
Lisa Rinna is celebrating a fabulous 50+ birthday. She peruses her closet, with the assistance of her daughters, to pick out the perfect out for her birthday dinner at PUMP. I love a BH closet – if we could spend the entire show in various closets – they could eat dinner in there, drink wine, argue – and we’d just be distracted by looking at all the glorious clothes.
Having glorious scenes at restaurants will also suffice. Lisa Vanderpump throws Lipsa’s birthday dinner at PUMP. LVP has Ken decked out in the family approved color of Vanderpinkie – they need a family crest of sparkly Pomeranian dyed bright pink. Lipsa is amazed by how gorgeous everything looks. Kyle Richards and Mauricio attend. Kyle waxes hairetic about how laughing with LVP is the part of their friendship she loves. Subtext: what she misses is partaking in free wine and food, while hob-nobbing with A-litsters.
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Over dinner the ladies swap stories about falling in love. Kyle met Mauricio when she was engaged to a much-older CBS broadcaster. They met at a party and Kyle turned her engagement ring around, but turned the charm on. I was all prepared to sneer at her like “Oh Kyle, of course!” but you know what – love happens. Lipsa met Harry weeks after Nicolette Sheridan had left him for
David Foster Michael Bolton. Lipsa was a clerk at an eyeglass shop and in walked Harry – the rest is 21 years of history!
Lipsa saw Michael Bolton recently and thanked him profusely for having an affair – I hope the Rinna-Hamlins send him a Christmas card yearly. Then Harry arrives with a giant Cartier box. She devours the wrapping paper with her raptor lips to find a smaller box inside with a trinity ring. It says “Beware The Witches: 1 and 2 and 3” The witches meaning her co-stars. But for now all is happy and enbloomed in love.
Brandi Glanville is wandering around in her thong bikini and mesh laundry bag repurposed into a cover-up, decorating her newest place. Brandi tells us that Eddie and LeAnn are demanding for $100,000 for over-paid child support and alimony, because they are owed royalties from her book since it was all about Eddie. Hmmmm… Is this is one of Brandi’s imagined legal sagas, like the time Adrienne “sued” her? Brandi earned that money herself – it’s not her fault Eddie gave her the material to work with. She turned cheating into prospering and now he’s drinking rancid grapes.
Brandi’s attorney calls. She makes her friend start the kitchen timer so she doesn’t get billed for more than 15 minutes. I bet she got this idea from no nonsense YoFridgedaire Foster of the Dutch militism. We all know the only thing Brandi uses a kitchen timer for is chilling wine in the freezer, but Yolanda probably wrote down an instruction manual on how to avoid getting screwed.
Speaking of screwed, Brandi wonders why she never lasts in a house for more than a year – well it’s probably because she’s nailing giant framing screws into the wall to hang a picture! Of course it’s Eddie’s fault, however, that she can’t afford downpayment on a house because she has to shell out for legal fees and bogus child support.
YoFridgie is trailed by a sea of servants feeding her perfectly chilled, cubed citrus fruit from crystal goblets – like a Fancy Feast commercial! – while she sits in her closet meditating about how difficult it is managing a continental lifestyle of parenting and My Love. Yolanda’s storyline this season is: I have kids. My kids. My Love. My kids model. I have kids, you know. I’m a proud mommy. My kids are away. My Love. My kids. My love is away. Look – I know that’s her life, but isn’t Yo doing anything else besides Lemons, Lymes, Loves, and Little Ones Leaving Nests?
Gigi arrives and Yolanda levitates through 15,000 square-feet in her LuLuLEMON pants – the successful child returns! Gigi is here for a few days before running off to London for modeling. Yolanda gushes that Gigi is also a college student. More likely, Gigi took one online class but has been fibbing to YoDa and MoShi and spends the rest of her days Victoria Secret-ing with thong panty wings. I’m sure Gigi is smart, but can she really pull a Hermione Granger and be in two places at once, learning catwalk and criminal psychology?
Later Yolanda takes Bella to lunch. Bella is moving to NYC to attend Parsons and model, naturally. I was quite shocked to see Yolanda allowing Bella to eat lunch! Which means 1) Yo doesn’t take Bella’s modeling career as seriously as she takes Gigi’s or 2) Her brain turned to lemon-lyme jello and she thought she was enjoying a cozy lunch with her love, who would then turn into a merman and whisk her off in a private plane.
Last week Kyle was bragging about “flying private” – their plane is the equivalent of a diet coke can with a cooler full of wine they serve themselves/ YoDa‘s plane is the equivalent of a Classic Park 6! There were plush carpets, queen-sized beds, kitchens – and a full-sized walk-in lemon grove for in-air master cleanses. Last night, somewhere in Beverly Hills, Kyle’s hair spontaneously combusted into flames until all that was left were singed roots until she looked like Jamie Lee Curtis – did you know 300 years ago they did a movie together?!
Poor Kyle is on a crusade not to let Portia become spoiled. Yes, there can only be one spoiled, bratty Umansky girl – Kyle! Mama needs a new pair of Choos! Kyle and Mauricio take Portia shopping where Kyle is putting her Louboutin down – she can only get 2 shirts! Unfortunately, Kyle putting her foot down has all the impact of Giggy setting his paw gently down on a silk tablecloth because they $569 on TWO SHIRTS for a 5-year-old. What the hell are these things made out of: The hair of Giggy and the blood of unicorns?! Oh, and Maurice doesn’t even have an AmEx Black Card. From the balcony of her private jet, YoFridgidaire rolled her eyes and muttered “amateurs.”
Rambles Richards finally appears and her daughter Brooke is getting married so it’s time to go wedding gown shopping. That can totally makeup for having to deal with Rambles and Haiflips together on screen, but then Kathy Hilton appeared…
Kathy thinks she is executive producing this bridal shopping – I guess she is the wealthiest sister, so one must defer to matters of prominence. Kim and Kyle stand in deference, wordlessly letting Kathy tell Brooke she looks like a low-class cocktail waitress. First of all, Brooke looked lovely. Second of all, when one of Krusty Kathy’s daughters finds someone willing to marry them, she can direct wedding dress styling. Now, I heard that Nicky is engaged to a Rothschild, but I refuse to believe that, because who would want to cross-populate with a Hilton – even if Nicky is the lesser of two evils.
Furthermore I don’t know why Kaftans by Kyleen Too isn’t designing the wedding gown – just imagine! I certainly hope she’s at least going to get her hands on a mother-of-the bride mumu! Speaking of which, whatever Rambles was wearing at the bridal boutique was definitely one of Kyle’s kaftans hemmed into a shirt. I know Rambles is on a budget and all, but do not let Kyle guilt you into wearing all the clearance rack leftovers.
Then things get real – Kim tells us Brooke’s father Monty, Kim’s first ex-husband, is essentially dying of lung cancer! Oh no. Kim and Monty are best friends so he is currently living with her while she cares for him. They are moving Brooke’s wedding date up so Monty can walk her down the aisle. This is a side of Kim that shows her strength. However, is Monty safe there with Kingsley on the loose?
Finally we meet Eileen Davidson – and what does she have that all these bitches don’t: An Emmy! Eileen and Lipsa are old friends and co-workers, who catch-up over lunch. Lipsa is fun and doesn’t take herself too seriously. Eileen seems like she will be a tough nut to crack, but do not mess with her. I like her vibes – and her turquoise.
Finally, Kyle and Brandi go for a hike, because they are such real, sincere, close friends. There is a sign that warns one to watch out for rattlesnakes – precisely.
Brandi is hosting a housewarming party but LVP never responded to her invitation. For obvious reasons – her parties are probably a cheese and cracker tray with boxed Franzia, but Brandi is miffed.
Brandi is over being Lisa’s “sidekick” but wants to be Lisa’s friend and pretend all of last season didn’t happen; like Brandi was just blackout drunk. She decides to call Lisa to have a heart-to-heart. Right there, on the trail, in front of Kyle, who could have only pressed her ear closer to the phone if she morphed into Brandi’s body as a conjoined twin.
Lisa is at home where Poms of all shapes, sizes, colors, and costumes are grazing around the gardens. Ken is tottering in the plants – it’s a scene out of Austen. The phone rings – who shall it be, wonders Lisa, who clearly does not have Brnadi’s number blocked.
When she hears Brandi’s voice, Lisa dry heaves,”Who?” she quips? “OH no – please, we’re not interested in any solicitors. I already donated to the Save A Hoe Foundation in you name Ms. Glanville, and frankly I think my donation was a waste, so you shain’t be getting anymore of my time. Nor did you appreciate my countless volunteer hours at the Tampon String Awareness Clinic? Well, it was arduous, I tell you. If you can sincerely apologize for insinuating that I never wanted to reform a bad girl or try to make a difference, than I might consider meeting you for a chat. Hello?! Oh, she hung up.”
Brrrrrrriiiiing, again. Oh, it’s Kyle. How nice – we’ve been working on our friendship, I am almost at the the point where I do not cringe at the smell of her hair. Oops! Or not – it’s a ruse, it is Brandi again! She’s calling from Kyle’s phone because Brandi’s phone died and she did not want Lisa to think she just hung up on her. “Oh, you’re with Kyle,” Lisa sniffs. “Well – I certainly hope you have valid things to talk about besides me. I heard Rambles was trouncing about wearing wigs and dumpster diving for Jesus outside of Nobu. Oh… that was yooou Braaandi… Well did you find it in your heart to apologize? I might forgive then – but listen missy I never forget! And please return Giggy’s rhinestone cowboy suit you borrowed for Halloween, those shorts will never cover your thong!”
Brandi still thinks Lisa needs to own up to her part in their friendship failing, but if Lisa doesn’t want to be her friend again they can be civil. She tells Lisa “I’m not gonna kiss your ass forever because you think you were wronged.” Lisa, rolls her eyes, she wants an apology, ‘I miss you. Let’s start over…’ but hindsight is 20-20 and they can’t go back. Brandi hopes that in the next 10 years, they’ll makeup.
TELL US – WILL BRANDI APOLOGIZE TO LISA? DOES LISA ALSO OWE BRANDI AN APOLOGY? THOUGHTS ON EILEEN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo & instagram]
PS – I apologize for the tardiness of this recap, I have a wretched cold and want to die.