What can be said about last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll say plenty – but did that actually happen? Did an Emmy-award winning actress really get a glass of backwashed wine thrown in her face by a desperate divorcee on a 10-year drunken meltdown? The answer to that question is unfortunately, yes.
Other things happened leading up to the white wine wash – it started with the last glamorous, happy, successful woman Brandi Glanville insulted on every level – Lisa Vanderpump. Brandi looked nice at that lunch, as if she played Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Yolanda Foster.
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Boozdi has been begging Lisa to be her friend again, stalking her around parties, lapping up her every glance and offering to lick other things as well, Lisa is not interested, but for the sake of maintaining civility, is at lunch. “What is it you want from me?” Lisa asks, in a long over-due quest for answers. Brandi wants to have fun again, she wants to make like Cher and turn back time, but it ain’t gonna happen because the thing is people can only stand so much nonsense and excuses. Just ask Kim Richards!
Lisa wonders why Brandi even wants to be friends with someone as horrible as she has portrayed Lisa to be. She also wonders what Ken has done to deserve Brandi’s treatment – after all he went above and beyond “almost to an embarrassing level” to defend Brandi against the lies she told about Adrienne.
The other thing Brandi wants besides fun, amnesia, and Lisa turning a blind-eye, is an apology. Yes, oh yes – an apology! For taunting her and dangling Scheana Marie in her face, forcing her to face her grisly past. Lisa rolls her eyes, and says, OK “OK – I’m sorry I didn’t prepare you for Scheana’s presence at events.”
Brandi did not accept graciously. Nor did she take accountability for her own disgraceful behavior. Perhaps all her disgraceful behaviors muddle together and she can’t remember which ones she’s fake made amends for, so eviscerating her friendship with Lisa just got lost in the shuffle of other “Brandi Blunders.” Oh, hahahahahahah – it’s so blunderful being Brandi! Isn’t she zany?! Lisa decides they’ll be acquaintances but that’s all – then she demands Brandi buy her lunch. Brandi thinks they are well on their way back to friendship. BUUUUUUUUZZZZP: wrong!
Afterwards Brandi guzzles drinks, wine-styles her hair into a faux hawk, then heads to dinner with YoFridgidaire, Eileen Davidson, and Lisa Rinna. YoFridgidaire was pimpmomager-ing Bella’s modeling career as she plots to become the next Kris Jenner. Starting by exploiting their family tragedy – Bella’s DUI! – to prove tough, yet unconditional love. As a punishment she took away Bella’s phone for a month and then paid for a fancy NYC apartment. At least NYC has cabs, right?! Bella has a countdown for escaping Yolanda, who complains the DUI inflamed her Lyme and My Love was forced to play her moving piano melodies while they roamed around the solar system in their private space ship – the one Kanye is desperate to get a ticket on.
Kyle Richards, meanwhile is in her dumpy laundry room mimicking a Kelly Ripa Electrolux commercial (hire Kyle!) about how inept her 18-year-old daughter is at doing laundry. She put a red sock in with the whites and everything turned pink! Isn’t that just so funny! So cliche! Has that literally ever happened to anyone? Ever? Except attention-seeking Kyle, who remembers being up for Academy Award caliber part in a Tide commercial. Then Kyle cries that if Alexia ever wants to drop-out and come home because she shrunk all of her panties in the dryer, Kyle supports her.
Back to Boozdi, she’s at dinner with the ladies and firsts suggest Lipsa’s marriage isn’t as happy as she thinks. Eileen tells the story of how she met Vince when they were both married, but fell in love, got divorced, quickly married and have been happily together ever since. I don’t know if Eileen specifically mentioned cheating or not, but Brandi’s PTSD over Eddie and LeAnn kicked in and she started to get what we West Virginians refer to as “The Red Ass” – when you’re drunk and you get feisty-mad and looking for drama.
Brandi complains that she’s extra-sensitive because JR, the guy she stalked who she wasn’t really dating but booty-calling cheated on her and so did Eddie, in case you didn’t know. If you need the details she wrote TWO BOOKS about it. Apparently everyone is cheating on Brandi, which begs the question: if everyone is cheating on you, what is it about you?
Furthermore methinks Eileen hit a poignant place by discussing how she didn’t know real love and happiness until she unexpectedly found it with Vince. I don’t know if that’s the case with Eddie and LeAnn but you know it had to get Brandi’s head spinning. Hey – stranger things have happened: like what you are about to see when you enter the Planet Trash Zone, an alternate universe, controlled by wine, that makes one do things otherwise insane.
Boozdi starts demanding Eileen act out parts from Days. When Eileen says she only goes into character for money, Brandi yanks $40 out of her outlet mall Coach wallet and tosses it across the table at Eileen – like she’s a stripper and Brandi is gonna get the lap dance special. When Eileen still refuses, Brandi sloshes a glass of wine in Eileen’s face. Seriously! Just THROWS A GLASS OF WINE IN EILEEN’S FACE!
Eileen is shocked, starts to tear up a bit, but recovers well and tells Brandi how frankly crazy that was, an opinion seconded by a shocked Lipsa who isn’t quite sure what to think. Yolanda sludges from beneath the fog of LymeBrain to tsk, tsk and start talking about My Love’s dinner party, which will include piano playing! How lovely. But Eileen hightails it to the door.
What can you even say about Brandi sloshing her backwashed wine dregs to baptize Eileen?! Was it some sort of bizarre initiation ritual? Was Boozdi just drunk? Did Eillen pocket the $40 – cause I would have out of spite! Eileen is so very classy, because as Lipsa said, I would have come across that table and walloped the weave off that trashbox’s head. And I still would have taken the $40!
Brandi, has no one ever taught you: waste not want not? I would think of all things, in Brandi’s world, wine is a terrible thing to waste. Wine is her constant companion, BFF, and the secret to her success, is it not?
Brandi blames her behavior on anxiety over just coming from the Lisa dinner. And Eileen talking about cheating.
The next day is YoDa’s dinner party where Yolanda wears a hideous Smurf/stewardess costume. Luckily she is out-done by Kyle, whose pants are atrocious! Maybe her daughter ruined all her decent pants learning to do laundry? Eileen doesn’t want to go because she is so weirded out by Brandi, but she is curious about Yolanda’s house…
The theme of the evening is lemons – served with everything – and Babyface Edmonds, he’s the special musical guest. Yo has some lemon-cajones mixing A-listers with Boozdi, Queen of Planet Trash. And she most certainly incinerates this party from classy to trashy.
Yolanda tells Kyle all about the wine toss, then when LVP arrives Eileen relays the story. Eileen and Lipsa keep referring to it as “weird” and “bizarre.” Right on cue Brandi arrives wearing some sort of ruffly-romper she stole from one of Kyle’s daughters. Frankly, she has some audacity showing up – she didn’t even call to apologize to Eileen beforehand. I would have stayed home, called Promises Malibu, and then gone into a coma from embarrassment.
Eileen is in the midst of explaining the “ick factor” when Brandi asks to speak to her privately. Brandi apologizes and says she was just having a soap opera moment. She thrusts some re-gifted necklace at Eileen as an “Oops – I f–ked up. Forgive me?” peace offering – it wasn’t even wrapped. Eileen, who understands how to GRACIOUSLY accept an apology, does to prevent further weirdness, although as she tells Lipsa she’s not over it. She probably threw the necklace in the trash – from trash to trash! She describes the apology as “like a kiss and a slap all at the same time.”
In the midst of it all Rambles arrives – I was thinking she didn’t get an invite because she’d bring Kingsley as her date and he behaves worse than Brandi does! – but she arrived to be Brandi’s mobile enablement clinic and laugh about how that’s just Brandi being Brandi; tossing drinks in people’s faces, molesting their husbands at dinner parties, and offering up sexual favors to the wives. Oh hahahahahahah! Kim needs to go pray to a trashcan for Planet Trash’s salvation. Brandi is like the garbage monster from Fraggle Rock at this point – and Boozdi’s rank extensions look just as bad!
Brandi gets wasted at dinner and slurs at Babyface while David stares her down in disgust. “Brandi he’s married,” David snips as Yolanda goes into damage mode by making a cringe-inducing toast congratulating Eileen on her Emmy, herself on regaining her voice again (when was it lost?), Brandi for being the drunkest person in the room – always – and Lisa on opening PUMP. “Maybe next time we’ll be invited,” she quips. Speaking of a kiss and a slap… Lisa has enough ice in her eyes to cryogenically freeze Lipsa so she won’t need to climb into Yo’s fridge for anti-aging treatments – and I might add that was my favorite scene of the night! Lipsa: fresh as a mother-f–king daisy!
Brandi leers at Babyface’s wife that LVP’s ring is bigger and apparently in BH a big ring is more important than a big d–k. Brandi adds that big diamonds also mean he’s cheating. Brandi’s rudeness knows no bounds or depths – ZERO CLASS. Outside, Brandi slurs at Eileen that she’s obsessed with her, prompting Eileen and Lipsa to, again, call her crazy (which Brandi takes as a compliment!), then she plops down in David’s lap – and he has absolutely negative interest. Yolanda plays it cool but you know after Boozdi left she thoroughly sanitized David’s lap with organic lemon cleanser and asked him if that was cunnilingus.
Eileen and Lipsa have a powwow about how insane Boozdi is. Eileen plans to keep her distance, wisely, but Lipsa wants to help – she has a soft-spot because Brandi has issues, although she is crazy, white trash and has the mentality of a 3-year-old. Just like that Lipsa is the new LVP – watch your back because that means you’re Boozdi’s next target.
Of course, it only gets worse. For the David-dictated sing-a-long, the group will pick a theme which he and Babyface will improv a song for. He makes a gesture with his two fingers which Brandi describes as looking like he’s “fingerb–ging his wife.” Here I thought “cunnilingus” was bad! How gross can one possibly be?! Despite Babyface and David trying to make the best of it, everyone felt defeated.
After everyone left, Yo looked quizzically at David and says “How you say ‘fingerb–ging? Is that German? Is it a hair tool? Do I have one, My Love?” She gets to work sanitizing everything Brandi touched, wondering if she should have the Grammys professionally cleaned in case contamination warps their patina.
TELL US – WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO THAT EPISODE OF RHOBH?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]