In last night’s installment of The Hunger Games: MockingShade 2, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta insulted each other on every level, then took a break to pass a dildo between their caftans on a beach, and then returned to insulting each other on every level. I like my Housewives classy like that!
We’re at dinner where Claudia Jordan is a whore and NeNe Leakes is fat with seething jealousy and shops at Ross. Now Claudia, you can read NayNay, but please don’t read Ross! I have gotten many things at Ross, including fabulous glasses made to look like Solo Cups! NeNe snaps that her dress is “RUNWAY!” Because when you got them coins they make RUNWAY in your size. That must be the reason NeNe’s dress looks like leftover remains of a circus tent in a Project Runway challenge. “Auf wiedersehen,” Ms. Leakes.
Claudia rips NeNe for her plastic “hair hat” glued to her head. T’is true – for someone so very rich NeNe has the worst wigs – she may have coins, but she does not use them to pay a hair gay!
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NeNe retaliates by insulting Claudia’s bob – not her Roger Bobb, her hair. Which is ironic considering NeNe then got her own bob in the most tragic wig game in history. Pinterest project for making your wig out of repurposed household items gone wrong? #NailedIt Claudia’s clit may have up and left her body, but NeNe’s sense of reality has left hers – and took her edges with it. And let’s talk about “them coins” she has got but is not giving! Bloop!
Then Reading For Dummies class was over and Claudia sauntered off taking her spaghetti straps with her before NeNe lunged across the table to either eat them or wear them on her head as a wig. Kenya Moore declared that NeNe showed her true colors and indeed, she did – all of them featured in her chaotically ugly Designer Imposters dress.
Away from NayNay, Claudia unravels. Cynthia Bailey jumps up and down because finally someone has stood-up to NeNe. Cynthia’s new personality of No. 1 Krayonce Soldier is grating. Grating like parmesan that NeNe can use atop her spaghetti wig-hat. Claudia is all too happy to sing her own praises about how defending the weak against bullies. And she is not a whore. Did you know Claudia is not a whore! You guys, Claudia is NOT A WHORE! Do you want the 411 on Claudia’s clit?! Well, she’s not a whore! Lady(?) DothProtestTooMuch!
Certainly, NeNe needed to be knocked down several pegs, but Claudia’s arrogance is rubbing me the wrong way (pun intended). Call me when you get a masters in English – don’t act like your reads are Shakespeare!
Back at the table NeNe turns her attention to Claudia’s clit. She found it on the floor of a Motel 6 off Highway 85 several years ago and plans to start a Kickstarter to help Claudia re-attach it. NeNe blames Phaedra Parks because if “Tea with Miss. P” (please let this become a spinoff!) hadn’t been so shady to Dequenchia McKinney none of this drama eruptus would have occurred before NeNe finished her dinner. #TheHungerIsReal
Phaedra pretends she has no idea she was shading Demetria. “Who me?” she asks fanning herself with a napkin and dabbing holy water on her pulse-points, “I was just speaking through the Lord and everybody knows… sometimes the devil gets in the way!” Everybody knows Phaedra never accidentally throws shade. Quit playing dumb – save that for when the feds ask you about Apollo.
NeNe and Kenya both accuse the other one of being puppetmasters for their teams trying to nab the Queen of RHOA crown. I’d rather be 50th place in Miss USA than have that honor. I’d rather be a guest on Kandi Koated Nights where the topic is Mama Joyce‘s sex life! Speaking of which, Kandi Burruss decides the perfect way to re-unifiy the group after arguing over whore-ness is to have another Bedroom Kandi Party. Messy, much?
The next day, Phaedra says she couldn’t sleep because she was up until 4am on the phone. NeNe, whose whore-tenna only detects skankery from Team Krayonce decides it’s perfectly fine for Phaedra to have a little side-action. Something tells me Phaedra was on the phone dealing with Apollo drama because that was not the face of a woman up all night skype-sexing.
Team Kenynthdia goes to the pool for Pina Coladas to discuss NeNe. And Team NePhandsha go to the beach to discuss Claudia. Remember when Housewives had storylines besides each other? And remember when Housewives wasn’t as crass and raunchy as The Howard Stern show? NeNe admits she “feels bad” about morphing into NayNay over dinner. Phaedra announces that Jesus needs to intervene. I’m surprised NeNe isn’t praying for Jesus to fix Claudia’s clit – the devil has apparently snatched it from her body!
Then they all go to Cartier and pretend to be rich.
My MIL, who happened to be watching for the first time ever (I kid you not!), took one look at Kenya’s butt in a bikini and announced, “That’s implants, right?!” (I kid you not!). I explained to her it was a stallion booty available from the Booty Bootcamp Workout video, and she said, “It looks so unnatural.” Again, I kid. you. not.
Before Dildos On The Beach (not a porn), Dequenchia graciously apologizes to Phaedra for commenting about Apollo. Phaedra dismisses it as “out-dated” tea, re-served warmed over so many times it’s now water and Demetria should refrain from acting like a pigeon pecking at discarded crumbs. Demetria hopes they can start over, Phaedra agrees – and instead of APOLOGIZING FOR HER OWN RUDE BEHAVIOR (Don’t Southern Belles have manners?!), Phaedra compliments Demetria’s dress and discusses her own outfit – Phaedra mixes Target with Cartier, and likes her wardrobe like she likes her men: high-low.
They all depart to the beach where Porsha Williams thought they were having a ‘Dress Like A Hooker’ party, to pass vibrators between their knees. Since this is RHOA, the ladies rally and have fun even though Phaedra cites Hot Potato Dildo as not one of her “many skills.” Everyone thought the drama was over, until they all boarded a bus to Demetria’s performance and Clawdia decided to reheat some leftover insults and accuse WigWig of discrediting her ack-coo-lades.
NeNe, in a most shocking moment, apologizes – even after Kenya tries to interject and make it all about how she was called a whore and NeNe calmly says, “I’m talking to Claudia, Kenya.” Yes, even after that – NeNe apologized; she left NayNay stranded on the beach holding a dildo and brought NeNe Leakes – Broadway Actress to the stage.
NeNe clarifies that she would never take Claudia’s “ack-coo-lades” (what exactly are Claudia’s ack-coo-lades, again – and I’m not being mean?). Then NeNe decides to share her newest accolade: Broadway! “The deal is… I’m on Broadway and you’re at home!” Now put that in your mouth and suck it!
Claudia, can’t let go. Oh no – she is a dog with a bone and that bone is an ack-c00-lade called RHOA. Claudia reminds everyone that NeNe called her a whore, because Claudia is NOT A WHORE. She’s not a whore guys! She is so not a whore! When Porsha tries to suggest they move on – Claudia decides to undermine all her complaining that women are calling each other whores by… CALLING PORSHA A WHORE! <side-eye>
“I know for a fact, that the guy that got Porsha her Rolls is a married African man,” Claudia states. Claudia knows this because they have “mutual friends.” HA! Girl Please… If ‘Not A Whoreia’ is so not a whore-ia, why is she such an expert on married African Sugar Daddies?
“The car is registered in Korto’s name!” elaborates Kenya. Kenya is stalking Porsha? Porsha insists her hair company bought the car. Now of course that’s not true, but as NeNe said everyone has a married African – or wants one. Except NeNe, she has Greggum, her basement troll.
Proving the ‘lets move forward’ hug between Kenya and Porsha was faker than NeNe’s hair, Krayonce calls Porsha a whore for bags. Wasn’t Kenya trying to sleep with a married African last season? Oh wait – no, she was trying to text a married ex-con and an iMANginary prince for a storyline. My bad. For someone so upset over being unfairly labeled a whore, Kenya is sure calling Porsha one non-stop. Practice what you preach, Krayonce! Porsha instructs Kenya to quit before she gets a slander lawsuit. Can you litigate shady reading, Phaedra Parks, Esq.?
This is where “Team Pretty” Awful looses me. First they were calling people “beasts” Team Beast, then they’re shouting about Porsha being a whore while complaining about being labeled whores! Trying to take the focus off their own rent-a-man sugar daddies and fake IVF storylines?
Porsha accuses Claudia of being “contradictory” – and yes, Porsha misused the word (cause when NeNe is your teacher you are bound to learn the wrong things) but she is right: Claudia IS contradicting herself! Claudia has a case of the Doing Too Much. Including – supposedly – lots of men.
Suddenly everyone remembers the reason they’re even on this trip: Demetria’s recital at the YMCA, which they’re tragically late for because the bus has been driving around in circles while they slut-shame each other. Shady! Mercifully they arrive just as Da Bratt takes the stage – even Phaedra admits Demetria can sing, although KANDI thinks she doesn’t have the chops to be a pop singer. Or Roger Bobb‘s wife, apparently. Phaedra and Demetria have something in common: waiting around for 8 years!
I dunno about Claudia, you guys. Girl is snatching her reads from the internet and trying too hard. Although, yes, NeNe does need to be knocked off her Louboutin platforms to normal size. Next week Invisible Me-thia burns her friend contract for a storyline.
TELL US – CLAUDIA DOING TOO MUCH, NENE DESERVES IT, OR BOTH? ARE KENYA AND CLAUDIA HYPOCRITES FOR CALLING PORSHA A WHORE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]