Other than habitual mind games, I’m just gonna go ahead and declare that Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills should swear off game nights. The first one ended with a woman on crutches losing her crutches and being called a “slut pig” (holy foreshadowing metaphors at work there), and this latest one involved one woman almost needing crutches after being shoved down the stairs with a piece of pizza. Andy Cohen is redefining class for the modern age!
It all starts out innocently enough, Kyle Richards plans a spa day and the girls put on an odd assortment of outfits ranging from soccer mom at Target to ladies who lunch at Bergdorffs. (Lisa Vanderpump has been suffering from an over-dressing problem lately. Brandi Glanville has been suffering from a combo of under-dress/not wearing enough clothes problem).
Yolanda Foster is skipping this wonderful event, because despite being not being able to read, nor write, nor watch TV, she is in NYC micromanaging Gigi and Bella’s modeling careers and zipping around the globe hot on My Love‘s tail. YoFridgidaire is also seriously trying to make the stupid ‘Tile of Love’ walls happen because she sends Kyle a photo of her posed in front of the magnificent one the housekeepers made for Bella’s new apartment. I shade, but those Hadid girls are beyond beautiful and seem to have a really sweet relationship.
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On the bus to the spa, everyone girl-talks about how Harry Hamlin likes Lisa Rinna‘s bush ‘hairy’ and Kim Richards gives us a demonstration of what a hairy bush looks like, and it involved the same hand motions needed to squish a werepuppy. Spa day was completely uneventful save for the fact that after massages there was, unfortunately, a wine tasting planned. Poor Kim sat on the sidelines and pretended she was on the YoFrigidaire lemon cleanse and she’d just have this juice, and sniff a few wine corks. Kyle felt awkward, but Brandi was like more wine for me! Pass the suav!
Kim handled herself well, she went outside and called her daughter, she ate some cheese, she made a few jokes and everyone else awkwardly clustered around her asking if she was OK. She said she was, even at lunch with Kyle the next day she said she was fine, but then came Eileen Davidson‘s poker night…
On the bus ride home everyone shared their sex fantasies. Kyle wants to be a stripper! Aspirations abound: she wants to be a lawyer and a stripper – maybe she could strip her way through law school like a 1995 made-for-TV movie starring Tori Spelling. Bravo reminded us that Kyle very possibly could be a stripper and shows us a montage of her pole dancing and doing splits. I had horrible PTSD and was relieved she’s moved on to other forms of attention-seeking. Brandi wants to watch her sig-fig doing another woman and ugh… it just got so… well I’m changing the subject. She needs therapy.
Now, onto poker night! Eileen’s husband is a professional poker host and they like to have poker parties. All the girls were invited to learn the game and have a tournament. She even pops one of those fire-starter logs in the fireplace like a saloon. It went with the sepia-toned old-fashioned photos decorating the walls.
In the car ride there Brandi, her +1 bottle of wine, and Kyle, temporary BFFs, discuss Kim’s trouble with sobriety. Kyle recounts how their mom tried to hide it from everyone, so she’s really glad Kim is being honest about things now. Basically everyone knew Kim was an episode of Intervention, but at Thanksgivings they all just smiled and talked turkey while Kim passed out in the cranberries. Every family has a messy eater!
Kim just kept marrying people and reproducing and not managing things and disappearing and everyone smiled nervously as she wore a choker 8 years out-of-style to a televised party for a nationally known grifter with lip implants, or showed up 2 days late for a 5-star Hawaiian vacation with an ex-con she met at court-ordered rehab, who had a pug nose and a creepsters disposition. Although I didn’t think Kyle should be disclosing these things on TV, to Brandi, I feel bad for her – it’s hard being in someone’s shadow for life: first from their success and then from their catastrophes. And in a way, Kyle’s splits and hair flips and over-reactive emotional displays, and making everything ‘all about Kyle’ if she can – makes sense. She should still get therapy. Bravo can offer Kyle and Brandi a twofer.
Of course, in another limo, on the other side of town, Rambles Returned! Kim was bombed and scaring the bejesus out of Lipsa, who tried to stare straight ahead and not move. She really hit the jackpot with that car ride! I imagine she clutched the mace in her purse.
Poor Lipsa always gets stuck with the wackadoodle drunks! First Brandi, now Kim. Girl… start staying home with hot Harry! Then Kim started speaking in tongues? Whispering and channeling the devil? Play acting evil? She complained Lipsa doesn’t understand what she goes through. Apparently she’s projecting and transferring and trying to put Lipsa through what Kim goes through.
Kim admitted she was having some issues with Monty’s illness. And when they got to Eileen’s, Lipsa ran from the car as fast as her heels could carry her.
Brandi walked in with her side-boob muumuu from the Trampy Tarjay Collection and became her alter-ego Boozdi, the drunk lush with loose lips and loose everything. She right away started insulting Eileen’s decor, dubbing it “Norman Bates” and “American Psycho.” To that I say, “Takes one to know one!” Psychos, that is.
And then they “played” poker, which involved a whole lot of Kim and Brandi calling people stupid and yelling f-bombs while Vince and Eileen struggled to get a handle on things, and Kyle’s eyes slid back and forth anxiously. All the while Kim was waving around a big ol’ cigar and channeling Alison DuBois. Know This… the cigar just became the new RHOBH party from hell accessory. Kim will take that e-cig and raise you a Cuban! #OffTheClock
Double Trashy Trouble!
Kim yelled that was Lipsa stupid, then Brandi hissed that Kyle was jealous of Kim and isn’t happy she and Kim are friends or that Kim is winning at poker. Well, Kyle you’re winning at the game of Life. You got the hot husband, you picked the card that had a mansion on it and the other card that said vacation in Spain – and you are reminding us every single episode that you are rich enough to also land on the card that says “Chanel.”
Kyle may have to fold this poker hand, but Kim and Brandi are folding a whole lot more. Brandi even claimed she never drank before her divorce… Everything Is Eddie’s Fault: The Boozdi Glanville Story. I really don’t understand what even happened there! In the limo Kyle and Brandi were all thick as thieves, and then Brandi just turned toxic and trashy on her. Well Kyle has been warned about the ways of the Boozdi!
After Brandi wins the tournament, she stands up to make a slurry drunken speech about how everyone is stupid but her, in between about 40 expletives. Kyle runs into the bathroom and Kim follows her. There Kim tells Kyle she took one of Monty’s pain meds. Oh heavens Fix it Jesus, Oprah, and Joan.
Then came a kerfuffle in which Kim was trying to leave but Kyle chased after her insisting she eat pizza. Kim didn’t want pizza, but Brandi and her side-boob did. Kim was slurring at Kyle to leave her alone and Brandi tried to block Kyle from getting near Kim. There was some pushing and grabbing on Kyle’s behalf, so Brandi shoved Kyle down the small flight of stairs, losing her slice of pizza in the process. Shockingly she did not pick it up and eat it. Shockingly she did not shove it in Kyle’s hair – ultimate revenge.
I’m gonna go ahead and defend Kyle here – yes, I know. Please don’t shame me too much – I know she grabbed Brandi first and tried to push her out of the way, but that wasn’t aggressive in intent. She was worried about Kim and it was reactionary. Kyle has been down some long, windy, and crazy-ass roads with Kim and she hasn’t always handled it well, because family is complicated and reality TV only further complicates things. Boozdi needs to go, because at this point I’m not even sure I’m watching RHOBH!
Poor Eileen, she always gets stuck with the wackadoodle drunks! First Brandi, now Kim. Just start staying home with your hot fireplace and adorable Vince.
Meanwhile LVP was on vacation in Mexico, drinking champagne, and watching Giggy frolic on the sand, his alopecia’d paws darting in and out of the surf. No side-boob action happening there!
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]