Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta no one wanted to grow up as they took good old fashioned road trips, flirted with the football players, and relived their glory days at Ridgemont High on the last day of senior year. Also, Cynthia Bailey wore a stupid hat in every scene. Are her edges thinning too?!
NeNe Leakes gets picked up at the airport by Greggum, her basement troll clamoring into the sunshine for the first time in weeks, sadly it’s an overcast day and he’s forced to linger in the parking garage until he catches sight of the shiny ring. Still – it is human contact! NeNe reflects on Puerto Rico and acknowledges that maaaaaaybe her comments to Claudia Jordan were crass and terrible, so she apologized. An apology Claudia did not want to take.
Then NeNe tells us her life used to be a Lifetime Movie and she worked her way through college stripping – basically living Kyle Richards’ dream as played by Tori Spelling circa 1992. Let’s just say, NeNe skipped English 101 in favor of studying Human Sexuality, which is how she knows about the amazing transitive powers of Clawdia’s clit.
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Cynthia has decided to jump on-board the Ramen Noodle Wig train (which runs in the underground railroad) because whatever is underneath her first of many hats looks like refried crispy noodles from Panda Express. Over drinks with Peachter and Mallorie (she’s still living there?!), Cynthia says NeNe made if “crystal clear” their friendship is over. Except, not really – Cynthia just decided the only thing stiff about her is that wig, and is too spineless to be neutral so she butt-ied up to “Team P
Now Cynthia must partake in a ritual to purge and cleanse by burning the friend contract NeNe signed. Yes, Cynthia saved it(!) and decides to incinerate it in her sink to stand-up to bullies. “It’s Over!” Cynthia shrieks. Yes, Cynthia – it is over. Any respect I had for you is definitely over.
Kandi Burruss and Todd visit Dr. Jackie Walters from Married 2 Medicine to figure out why Kandi isn’t pregnant. “I want to figure out what is up,” Kandi explains. Well apparently not Tucker Jr.! Todd has to dump his goods in a cup where Dr. Jackie uses a bunch of unintentional double entendres, like if you need help in the “masturbatorium” your wife can come.
Later at home, Kandi asks Riley (11) and Kaela (18) to help her make an ovulation calendar. Todd gets his result and his swimmers are in full-working order. So why can’t Kandi get pregnant?! I have all Kandi’s money on Mama Joyce pulling some shenanigans like putting birth control in Kandi’s water supply. Yay – Kandi can be the next RHOA/Lifetime Movie crossover. Sabotage & Betrayal: A Mother’s Love. Or, better yet: A Mother’s Twisted Love: The Kandi Burruss Story
Over at Cynthia’s she planned a last minute roadtrip to Charlotte, NC where Peachter is opening Sports One with Kordell Stewart. Cynthia invited Phaedra Parks, Kandi, Kenya Moore, and Clawdia. To plan her outfits Cynthia grabbed two community college students to put on Bailey Agency t-shirts to play her pretend assistants/stylists and peruse through the janky iKea bookcases she calls her closet. It was wholly depressing. It’s about to get more sad because she calls Kenya to invite her on the trip and Kenya answers the phone, “This is Twirl.”
While Krayonce is living in a delusional world, cause she is a delusional twirl Phaedra is representing Derek J over a “hairburglar” and dealing with Apollo’s self-surrender date.
Things are not good in the Parks-Nida home of constant tension. Apollo takes Ayden and Dylan for FroYo, and tries to explain Daddy is headed for a really long time-out. Then Ayden lectures Apollo on right from wrong. He needs to do a seminar for the entire RHOA cast.
With her mom, Phaedra discusses raising her sons as strong boys in the absence of good male role models. The theme of this segment is: Shouldda, Couldda, Wouldda – should have thought of all of this BEFORE breaking the law (Apollo), before reproducing with a convict felon (Phaedra). Apollo does seem incredibly sad to leave his sons and Phaedra does seem incredibly sad about the circumstances her sons will have to endure. Nothing a little fake holy water and a prayer cloth can’t fix, right Jesus (No, Shaedra).
Team Pretty, composed of Dullthia, Krayonce, and Clawdia, leave for Charlotte. Cynthia has an ulterior motive on this trip – she wants to fix Claudia up with a man because sports bar = hot guys and Cynthia is an expert in the man procurement department. Oooooh Cynthia, girl, I do not think anyone wants tips on how to get a man from you. Payday Loan Peter, anyone?!
Of course, they’re late leaving, then Kenya announces she doesn’t drive, she twirls. Like when the Wicked Witch in Wizard of Oz creates a tornado and everyone ends up in Oz amid flying monkeys, and munchkins on acid, and cowardly c0-stars lacking brains and decent wigs, and everyone is trying to get a pair of seriously rare pair of red bottoms. And just when you think they can be yours Lisa Vanderpump and her for real riches shows up wearing pastel pink and drops a house on your head and says, “Psych! Bitches – those shoes are mine, but goodluck at Payless. Now escort me home Pom-Army!”
Anyway, no Krayonce does not drive, but she does sit in the backseat, acting like that Miss WHO-S-A crown still shines, barking demands and sticking her ass out the window to moon people. She also gets to control the radio and makes everyone listen to “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” on repeat while she waves her arms out the sunroof and sings off-key. Kenya did say she was going to “show her ass.” Mission accomplished!
From the car, Cynthia calls Phaedra to see if she’s coming on the trip. Because she was sitting in the backseat wearing an invisibility muumuu? Right next to Kenya’s iMANginary boyfriend?! While Phaedra is explaining she has a dentist appointment and bible study, Kenya hangs-up the phone on Shaedra. Everybody knows gingivitis-fighting and The Lord are more important than Peter’s next failing business!
Once they arrive in Charlotte (after a stop at Chick-Fil-A and a concert in the gas station parking lot, produced by Roger Bobb), Team Pretty spends approximately 14 hours getting dressed in the Holiday Inn Express. Peter is not impressed they are so tardy for the party. All that time getting ready but Cynthia wears an ill-fitting dress with a munchkin-sized fedora, and Kenya’s bra is showing through her top. But Clawdia looks hot enough to meet… KORDELL!?
Kordell is Peachter’s business partner in Sports One. He and Clawdia go waaayback, like pre-Porsha Williams waaayback! Like did NeNe check Clawdia’s charges on Google and find Kordell, wayback?!
Suddenly Kenya is Kordell’s biggest fan and encourages Clawdia to date him. Which is interesting, because last season Kenya described “Kordelia” as a closeted queen who was using Porsha as his beard! My, my how Twirl flip-flops.
Claudia – you can spell, right? Can you spell “Messy” for the win?
Really, Clawdia – girl, you should have quit while you were ahead. You gained affection when you stood up to NeNe, but now you are pushing your luck; calling Porsha a whore because being called a whore hurt your feelings? Now you are so thirsty you’re flirting with Porsha’s sloppy seconds?! And letting Kenya lead you right into a trap (able are the willing!). I’m gonna need She By SheBroke to reappear and tug Clawdia back into reality by her wig.
Kenya knows how messy this is and she is instigating, ready to “nom, nom, nom” her popcorn, when Porsha explodes and it furthers the ire between Clawdia and Porsha. Kenya is such a great friend, guys! Also Cynthia looked like she smelled some burnt popcorn when Peachter was gushing all over Claudia. None of this will end well – not at all! I’m gonna go pop some popcorn because next season is going to be “Nom, nom, nom” indeed!
TELL US – CLAUDIA AND KORDELL: FAIR-GAME OR MESSIER THAN ONE OF NENE’S WIGS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]