And furthermore, if you are so upset that people are “unjustly” calling you a whore, and you don’t want women resorting to those insults, why is that the only insult you’re ever resorting to? These are real questions for Claudia, who calls herself a journalist. I’m investigating and I want answers.
It seems to me that it should be Porsha who is upset with Claudia, I mean I’d be pretty pissed if someone, for basically no reason, called me a prostitute on national television and then didn’t even have the proof to back it up. That’s some slanderous libelous hearsay and I am misusing legal jargon cause I got my law degree from the same $19.99 internet correspondence course that Phaedra Parks did. The one where long-term thinking and recidivism rates are like huuuuhhhh? The same legal school where they don’t teach you that marrying an ex-con exponentially increases the likelihood that you’ll be married to a prisoner at some point. What happens on air mattresses in the ghetto at 2 am renders one dumb and useless, I suppose!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST!
Yes, Apollo is about to asunder himself to a federal penitentiary but not without tying up some loose ends, like accusing his wife of having an affair based on some ridiculous “sext” she sent – a sext where she’s wearing glasses and a t-shirt and does not at all look sexy, but let’s save all that for next week.
This week Apollo visits Atlanta’s one and only attorney (you know, that guy, who might as well just get a peach at this point) to discuss divorce and why their legal strategy should be calling Phaedra out in a court of law for being stupid enough to marry his ass! Therefore she has to pay the price, so she better NOT try and take his money or stop him from seeing his sons or he’ll go asunder. Apollo and Porsha both checked the Reading for Dummies book out of Sheree Whitfield‘s Liberry, now with lime-flavoring.
As it turns out Phaedra has not filed for divorce, because she is scared of the vindictiveness of Apollo, and rightfully so – he’s punching holes in the walls and spending all his free time at the club (home away from home!) instead of with his sons. Phaedra believes he’s turned “psycho” and is blaming her for all of his troubles. Good thing he’s about to for Round 2 of Scared Straight!
Phaedra’s mother is concerned about her safety and the safety of the boys, so they decide Phaedra is going asunder from the home she is supposed to be sharing with Apollo. Phaedra seeks advice from – her EX – Dr. Gregory Lunceford over how to handle telling Ayden and Dylan that Daddy is spending the next 8 years in time-out. Dr. Lunceford, allowing Quad to make doggy couture aside, gives good advice and reminds Phaedra that keeping her sons from Apollo could backfire.
Phaedra muses that she doesn’t want to “meander around prison,” with her sons. Should have thought of that before meandering around an ex-con’s air mattress. Hey – look at me deploying Apollo’s divorce defense strategy.
Kandi Burruss‘ play was canceled due to low ticket sales because they hired an amateur Kandi found on instagram, who promised he’s really good at promoting things. #THOT Kandi boo-hoos to Todd about how upset she is about looking bad, and Todd gently reminds her that mistakes happen but we have to grow and change. Is it me or does Todd often seem more like Kandi’s parent than her husband? Given that she was raised by Mama Joyce, who often seems like Kandi’s wayward insane little sister, I guess it makes sense.
When Kandi and Todd tell her team at Kandi Koated Douchebaggery, they all laugh like hyenas and blame Todd for the misstep because he’s an opportunist who ain’t got no skillz. OF COURSE Kandi doesn’t defend Todd as they erroneously blame him for the failure and mock him. Seems like he needs to pay a visit to Atlanta’s one and only attorney…
Kandi’s “team” is immature and rude. Maybe they should go work for Mama Joyce. Except she doesn’t have any money to pay the bills – unless she steals another one of Kandi’s AmEx’s. Perhaps that’s who bought Porsha’s Rolls – she stole one of Kandi’s credit cards and framed MJ (I KID!).
Kenya Moore wants to produce a sitcom, because now that she’s dropped out of medical school what’s a girl to do?! She visits Roger Bobb, wearing a blazer that has wings, which reminds me of a maxi pad commercial – Krayonce, now with wings! It’s perfect for twirling. Which is, unsurprisingly, the name of her sitcom, Life Twirls On.
Kenya’s “sitcom” centers around “mean girls” who have ruthlessly tormented her without reason: NoNo the transvestite stripper who’s ugly, the charlatan church-girl attorney who is shady and skanky and slandering, and Peachie, the dumb escort. They’re all on a reality show called Real Homewreckers Of Augustus. Disclaimer: “The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.” Basically, it’s Kenya’s twirl on the truth. The only acting Kenya is doing is the victim act – and she is unconvincing!
Kenya expects Roger to get Eddie Murphy to star as her “love interest” since she once “dated” an “African Prince” – Prince of the Nation of Invisibilia, of the IMANginariMAN tribe. By that logic she should call this sitcom Coming To Insanity.
Roger Bobb does not hop aboard the crazy train. He promises to help, if he can, which means not at all, because he gets off at the next stop called REAL TELEVISION PRODUCTION. So it’s up to Brandon and Kenya to soldier on, just the two of them, against all odds – they’re gonna make it on their own! Kenya believes she has incredible industry clout due to all the amazing things she’s produced and therefore she’ll get Spielberg to direct. And Cynthia Bailey will have a starring role (with no lines, per the usual). And the show’s premise changes – now it’s going to be all about: KRAYONCE!
Hasn’t Kenya already made a sitcom about herself called RHOA? The one where she plays Gone With The Wind Fabulous?
Now back to Claudia and Porsha. Dish Nation is having a party welcoming Porsha full-time to their cast, and all the employees are invited. Which includes Claudia. Who is naturally coming, because… well she’s obsessed with Porsha? Needs a storyline? Porsha isn’t particularly happy that Claudia is attending, which she thinks is weird and rude given what happened in Puerto Rico, but decides she’s not gonna let it get to her.
Porsha and NeNe Leakes go for a drink and some grits, and they get down to the nitty-gritty about how Claudia and Kenya are the meanest of the mean and have no room to talk about how one procures their luxury designer goods (Everything luxury in Atlanta, apparently comes from an unknown, unseen African. Except for Gregg – the gifts he blesses NeNe with come from the basement).
NeNe and Porsha cackle that Claudia and Kenya are always bragging about how amazing they are, but no one wants to wife that. Well, who wants to wife crazy? Statement redacted because NeNe and Cynthia and Porsha are ALL married (or were!). Porsha complains that Claudia and Kenya’s legs are spread from continent to continent, they basically wrap around the globe and reconnect in Africa. Karma, according to RHOA, is when the only red bottom you end up with is a red Solo Cup.
Naturally, NeNe is not supporting Porsha at her party because she has to rehearse for BROOOOOOAAAADWAAAY, yet if the situation were reversed…
Claudia gets a wig fit by Derek J! Basically the topic of conversation is how Porsha-resistant the wig is – like, can it withstand being dragged? For some odd reason Claudia is obsessed with the idea that Porsha is going to assault her and she is so concerned about her existence. Is it cause Claudia went to Porsha’s party just to cause trouble? Yes m’am! Meanwhile Porsha literally is just going about her business of setting people’s hair on fire and like Claudia WHO?!
Finally CLAWdia sits in the booth right next to Porsha, and when she walks by, and asks to speak to her, where she repeatedly, tries to coax Porsha into flipping out, but Porsha has been trained, Jedi trained, by Phaedra in how to be “unbothered” to the nth degree. I was frankly CORN-fused about what Clawdia’s deal was – what exactly did Porsha do to her? Claudia claims it’s because Porsha laughed when she and Nene had their fight in Puerto Rico, but everyone did! I don’t hear Claudia calling Kandi up to yell at her for laughing.
Claudia called Porsha a prostitute and the only thing Porsha did was deny it and move on. Now here is Claudia flirting with Kordell, showing up at Porsha’s party trying to start nonsense with her, then demanding that Porsha be “civil” because they have to work together. If you want a peaceable work environment maybe don’t call your co-worker a whore?! And when exactly is she going to apologize for that? Instead Claudia keeps insisting over and over that it’s true. Meanwhile Porsha is like it’s not and it’s none of your business what I do. Your hair looks nice, byyyyeeeee! Claudia keeps up as Porsha tries to walk away. This girl will beat a dead stallion booty with a Rent The Runway bag until the hardware pops off.
Claudia complains that Porsha is a hypocrite (pot meet kettle) and that everything about her is fake – her boobs, her hair, her personality, the life she lives (again, pot meet kettle) but Claudia is real. Real thirsty. I’m pretty sure the Dish Nation party had an open bar – Clawdia should have gotten herself a drink, put it in her totally paid for earnestly by mutual African friends handbag, and headed home in her borrowed wig. This girl tries too damn hard.
I cant believe I’m on Porsha’s side. I need to lie down and put my feet up before I get snaggletoes.
TELL US – WHAT IS CLAUDIA’S DEAL WITH PORSHA? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]