On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I learned many important lessons 1) Lyme Disease is airborne via rude comments (and leaky silicone); 2) Gigi Hadid is a child prodigy in the kitchen; 3) Pink heels are a patented trademark and copyright of Lisa Vanderpump; 4) Late-night pharmaceutical commercials are correct: depression hurts; 5) 70 is the new 17 as pertains to male horniness; 6) swan attacks are serious (thriller starring Kim Richards coming soon – Swanado: The Revenge Of Hanky); 7) There is an uglier, more overpriced item in Beverly Hills than $25,000 sunglasses and that is the Cartier Panther ring; And finally 8) Erika Jayne is living out all of our ABBA disco queen fantasies – except we’ve never heard of her. I still like the bitch. She’s fierce. (note sarcasm of my language, but I do like Erika because she’s sassy and not easily intimidated, but still classy).
OK, well see ya next week – I gotta make sure I didn’t contract Lyme Disease from my TV. Cause like that shit is VIRAL. Even Kyle Richards may have a little bit of Lyme, or Munchausen By Proxy From Friends. I think that’s called ‘Keeping Up With The Vanderpump-itis” and yes, Kyle is quite afflicted!
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Everything is starting out so well in Beverly Hills – Lisa Rinna visits Kyle By AleneTOOMANYF–KINGMUMUS! and pretends to be ecstatic over the merchandise giving Kyle a segue to talk about her her upcoming PopUp shop in Southampton. LVP will also be there to host a white party after appearing on the cover of a magazine literally no one has heard of, so Kyle decides a little impromptu Hamptons jaunt is in order. Of course Lipsa can drop everything to go. It’s as if she was looking for an excuse to flee the deep woods of Canada.
Demonstrating her agony and pain over going to Canada, and forcing us to endure it, Lipsa gets bikini waxed moments before boarding the plane. I need to know Lipsa’s Hooha no times. [“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” That’s Lipsa laughing unconvincingly at herself.]
Yolanda Foster has roused herself from bed after her rejuvenating vacation with MY KING and the motion of his ocean… liner. With Kyle and Erika at her side Yolanda is subsequently well enough to ramble through a well-manicured park at the speed of old lady on walker.
Seeing Yolanda out of bed, Kyle acts as if she has just witnessed the second coming of Coco Chanel. She cheers, jumps up and down, shouting enthusiastically, ‘You can do it, Yo! WALK! WALK! WALK!’
The reason for Yolanda’s benevolent burst of strength is so Kyle and Erika can meet. They immediately have a half flip-off, which means they’re like friends for lyfe until Kyle gets that stroppy cow drunk and chops off her hair while she’s passed out. (An AHair To Dismember – staring Kim Richards as Erika Giradi. Coming soon to Lifetime!)
After retiring to a bench, Kyle, again, recounts the woes of depression/fibromyalgia/self-absorbeditis/please stop paying attention to Kim ailments she suffered when her mom passed. Also, because depression hurts as much as too-tight Spanx, Kyle had to start wearing kaftans. So HA!
Yolanda is all, well I’ve got a boob job that leaked silicone droplets into my chest cavity, which fused together with the pure perfection of my Master Cleansed and purified air lymph nodes, and turned into diamonds. There isn’t a doctor in California who can fix it, so I must private jet to God-forsaken CLEVELAND, where they don’t even have colonics! Also! Also! Woe is Yolanda – she gave Bella and Anwar depressed immune systems because she nursed them with implants. Those depressed immune systems somehow turned into Lyme because they lived on a horse farm. Gigi, naturally, remains perfectly uncorrupted so we can all bask in her lemony halo to reflect on our own inferiority.
Kyle’s face says, ‘Da hell!? I thought KIM’s rambles made no sense?! Yolanda must only have 60% brain function!’ Erika smiles vacantly into the distance and visualizes patting the puss.
First of all – Kyle had never heard that Bella and Anwar had Lyme. Second of all, Kyle is now worried that after touching Lisa’s mini horses she may have contracted Lyme. In fact, she have also gotten it from playing Littlest Pet Shoppe Ponies with Portia last week! Kyle runs home as fast as her snow-white sneakers can carry her, but not before accepting an invite for a girls night prior to Yolanda hovercoptering on lavender-scented compressed air to Cleveland for her surgery.
LVP also has issues – Hanky is ill and biting the hand that feeds him and must visit the vet. Lisa and Ken wrangle Hanky into a car, stuff him into a leather-lined, diamond-studded, swan case which plays soothing mood music. Hanky is biting all the way. The vet gives administers antibiotics for Hanky. Lisa gets some Xanax because in the absence of grandchildren Hanky has become Lisa’s surrogate. I’m getting worried here. Lisa already lives on a moat – now she’s turning Villa Rosa into Lisa’s Arc. Ken – time to intervene. Especially if she starts buying pairs of Cartier Panther rings!
After Hanky Panky business Lisa and her assistant Kyle visit Eileen Davidson on the Young & The Restless set. Here Lisa reveals her dreams of living out her own soap opera, which includes killing off Eileen, then assuming her identity, but first Lisa will be undercover as Eve Harrington, a cleaning lady suffering from a dastardly vending machine affliction.
But seriously – HOW FUN was this?! Touring the CBS set, digging through Eileen’s dressing room, trying to put $100s in the vending machine (“Press A-2 for the tuna tarte tarte”) – this is what I want to see on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.
All good things must come to an end when the ladies convene in Eileen’s dressing room and start talking about Yolanda. Mainly because they are worried that Lipsa’s Munchausen comments will come back to bite her, swan-style. It was nice to see the women defending her, and I like when we witness real friendships on these shows. That evening everyone will meet Erika, so Kyle fills them in on some details. Kyle and Erika met for drinks and genuinely seem to like each other. They were both young moms. We learn Erika’s son is a 23-year-old cop. Interesting…
At girl’s night, RAWR! are Erika and Lisa’s claws out! These two alpha-bitches are circling each other, diamond-studded daggers in their eyes, sizing the other’s gems up, sniffing out the competition. What they smelled was the scent of money, Hermes, and hubris, but ultimately kindred spirit.
First Lisa compares Erika to a Barbie and wonders if she can play with her in absence of grandchildren or swans? When Lisa notices Erika is wearing hot pink shoes her feathers ruffle. Erika, too, is on her toes – her panther ring baring its $189,000 teeth as a reminder of what this bitch did to get those baubles. “It’s what we all do,” she hisses. I imagine Erika’s hair morphing into a viper, coiling calmly around her neck, the veins of which are made of solid gold. But then Erika laughs and it sounds exactly like Lisa’s swan honking!
The ladies are equally curious about “Erika Jayne,” the secret disco queen prancing in their midst. When Erika calmly reveals that her husband is 76, mouths drop and suddenly it makes sense: the big ring, the dancing queen career – gold digging deep, but Erika and Tom have been married for 16 years and she’s not going anywhere… without her half!
This is cue for Lisa to quiz Erika about the Secret Sex Lives of The Man In His 70’s, so Lisa knows what she’s in for! Ken, with his robotically enhanced hips, has gotten randier lately. Eileen chokes on some class as Kyle demonstrates hip thrusting. Erika confirms she is very satisfied with Tom – Viagra not needed.
I personally cannot wait until Lisa and Erika become the best of bosom-buddies. These two savvy swans know how to play the game and I believe they’ll form a dynamic alliance. Or at least that is my most sincere hope! Let’s prematurely dub them “Leriska.” Sounds so Game Of Thrones, doesn’t it?! Checkmate Bitches – starring Kim Richards as Lisa Vanderpump, the phony restauranteur with a secret past and secret agenda!
Poor Kyle was so out of Lisa and Erika’s league. And poor Yolanda, not getting enough attention next to the two shiny tridents, sniffles about feeling sick. That’s when Kyle drops the bomb about Bella and Anwar having Lyme. Lisa is shocked to silence. As a long-time close friend of Mohamed, who has known the children for years, Lisa never heard they had Lyme. Suddenly Lyme is the reason Bella dropped out of school and quit horseback ridging – because Lyme made her “miscalculate” things.
A charming conversation about Ken’s birthday party suddenly turned dastardly when Yolanda mentions knowing Taylor Armstrong was talking about her… to Lipsa. Eileen, temporarily unnerved by the power glares Lisa and Erika were silently aiming at each other, misunderstands and thinks Yolanda was referring to Lipsa’s Munchausen conversation during pony petting.
Insert Louboutin into mouth. Wedge deep. Eileen starts a long protracted explanation of how Lipsa didn’t mean it that way, Lipsa was just reacting to other people gossiping about how Yolanda is faking her illness. Since Yolanda is well-aware everyone in Malibu is questioning, so they need to have a conversation.
Kyle froze. Lisa cut Eileen off, graciously, to tell inform her that Yolanda was actually referring to Taylor talking to Lipsa DURING Ken’s party. Poor Eileen. Yolanda pretends to be indifferent, because she’s focusing on her upcoming explant surgery.
So that was the most awkward girls night I’ve ever seen. Not counting the one whee Brandi threw wine in Eileen’s face. Maybe Eileen should refrain from girl’s nights from now on?
I feel bad for Eileen – I believe she was genuinely trying to help, and was defending Lipsa, not throwing her under the bus, but as we know Yolanda is not the type of friend you can have an honest conversation with. If Yolanda doesn’t like what you say or think, she ices you out faster than her cryogenic glass fridge turns lemons into sorbet!
Speaking of Yolanda’s fridge, in preparation for Yolanda’s surgery departure, Gigi, Bella, and Anwar are home – not in the depressing divorce condo, but in the Malibu Love McNest. Yolanda’s mom is also visiting.
The family is cooking while extolling the difficulties of modeling – you have to look good and be nice! Regarding Gigi, when she’s not a supermodel, or world’s most amazing daughter and Yolanda’s idol, she’s also a fantastic chef. Gigi conquered risotto at age 6; now at 21 she’s mastered tomato soup and grilled cheeses on the George Foreman.
Yolanda and her mommy venture to the lemon grove where Yolanda reminisces about her glory days as mistresses of the mansion. David, I notice, is not present as Yolanda prepares to for surgery. Where is the Da to Yolanda’s Yo? #YoDa
Sidenote: Are the producers of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills fascinated with Yolanda’s lizard feet? We are treated to close-ups nearly every episode! We get it, Yolanda has toes.
Anwar and Bella conquer their Lyme to run up the hill carrying lunch. Mid-soup, Yolanda whips out a copy of her will tells her children what to expect if if she dies getting her implants removed and then she asks that they take care of Yolanda’s mommy. It was totally unnerving and inappropriate for TV – Yolanda’s children, particularly Bella and Gigi, were really upset!
BTW: Since Yolanda is going to be in Ohio maybe she can pick up a mini horse while she’s out there?
TELL US – IN A BATTLE OF ERIKA VS. LISA – WHO WOULD WIN? WAS EILEEN BEING CATTY OR A GOOD FRIEND BY TELLING YOLANDA WHAT LISA RINNA SAID?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]