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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion

The final part of the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was all about owning the undefinable IT – what that “IT” is, we’re not sure. Lisa Vanderpump was owning no part in offending anyone, or the chicanery behind manipulating others into questioning Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease. Other than Kyle Richards, the only person Lisa deemed worthy was Ken, who, despite pissing all the women off, made no appearance last night. Ken was too busy relaxing in the Villa Rosa gardens amid the splendor of mini horses and Pomeranians. Or, who knows, maybe he was doing gourmet Jello Shots with Mohamed and David! #LifeWithoutLyme

We begin with Lisa explaining why she didn’t open up about her past abuse when Eileen Davidson shared hers. Lisa didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of Ken. Which seems to be a problem; since season 3 Ken has made a habit of attending events with Lisa, acting as a guard dog between her and the other women. It’s a bit silly, and, as Eileen tried to point out (in between Yolanda constantly interrupting), this wall Lisa has up – physically and metaphorically – prevents her from bonding and forming true friendships with the women.

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Yolanda believes this is why LVP lacks compassion. Eileen says Lisa cares more about animals than people, meaning it as an insult, but Lisa is actually pleased that Eileen recognized her passion for dogs.

Kyle laughs that Lisa wants to live in a land of make believe; tottering around her SheRa Castle of a house, petting her My Little Ponies, her Ken whisking her away to fancy dates in a pink corvette, and having tea parties with her dolls, Kyle, and Lisa, and Eileen, and Kathryn, and Erika, and occasionally the Yolanda doll with the creepy smile and the unblinking eyes, and when Lisa is really having a bad day, giving her Brandi doll a haircut! (Lisa needs her own collection of Lisa Frank for adults. I would so buy that.)

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion

Lisa is offended by Eileen accusing her of so many Machiavellian misdeeds and being dangerous to the psyche of highly-privileged Housewives whose Botox must have poisoned their brains. Eileen apologizes for hurting Lisa feelings, causing Andy to examine the parallel between Eileen’s handling of a hurt feeling, and Lisa’s runaround faux-apologies. Lisa concedes she must have difficulty apologizing, since all the other women believe she does. 

Eileen complains that Lisa‘s refusal to acknowledge her hurt feelings turned her into “a big bitch” on some sort of apology crusade. But she was simply trying to prove a point – that Lisa doesn’t value the other women. Apparently, when you look up “manipulator” in the dictionary, there’s no definition, just a photo of LVP petting a Pomeranian and smiling dastardly. Austin Powers called – they want their villain back.

Here’s what I think (for those who care): Eileen was gonna let it go, but when the other women started complaining about LVP’s “gas lighting” behavior, as Lisa Rinna‘s Google informed her, Eileen believed the bungled affair apology was another instance of Lisa playing chess with their hearts. In her quest to ‘out’ Lisa, she got carried away. All these women are guilty of mob mentality, not manipulation.

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As LVP asked Lipsa, “How old are you? 51? 50-something?” Too old to be bullied into doing something you’re not comfortable with. If you truly want to “own it” – whatever that elusive IT is – don’t claim you were manipulated. Admit, like Kathryn Edwards did when confronted by Erika Girardi, that you made a mistake, then apologize sincerely, and don’t repeat the behavior. 

So let’s discuss Erika and Kathryn. After they supposedly ‘moved on,’ when Andy brings up Kathryn repeating to LVP that Erika accused her of spinning webs, Erika unleashes the c-u-next-Tuesday bitch simmering beneath her sparkly spackled-on surface of fake hair. Fembotika has apparently NOT moved on!

Even though Kathryn truly apologized – again! – and seemed blindsided by Erika’s vitriol, she was not going to roll over and play dead – even with the uncaged Erika Jayne upon her. 

Kathryn Edwards RHOBH Reunion

Poignantly, LVP wonders why Erika came to form such a derogatory opinion of her, given that they scarcely knew each other? Erika credits her intuition, and denies ever watching RHOBH before joining. Nope. She just got the Cliffs Notes version from YoMama the Manipu-Munchie. 

Kathryn, again, admits she was wrong to spill Erika’s beans to LVP, but Erika continues railing on her and then accuses her of misrepresenting her friendship intentions. How is what Kathryn did any different than what ERIKA did when she ran to Yolanda??? Even worse – Ms. Empowered Panties LIED when confronted about telling Yolanda, only admitting once she was caught. Erika needs to get off her high horse, and sit in the mini horse saddle where she belongs! PUH-LEASE Eriquack get over yourself. And do it quick! 

Kathryn also points out that Erika, who is always bragging about her straight-forwardness (while living a double life and being suppressed by her husband), eviscerated all the women, except Yolanda, behind their backs while being nice to their faces. That wasn’t Erika G, that was ERIKA JAYNE, with her super-emancipated pussy unafraid to show itself to the world. 

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Since this is a game of tit-for-tat, Erika retaliates by accusing Kathryn of calling LVP a “harmless old lady” behind her back. Kathryn vehemently denies it. Yolanda defense is that LVP isn’t old. “Or harmless!” chimes in a cackling Kyle. LVP wonders if people truly believe she sits at home plotting all day? Lipsa does. Eileen does. Yolanda hopes people believe LVP does.

Kathryn snaps that Erika is desperate, which is definitely Erika’s Achilles Heel – probably made by Louboutin and crafted of pure sequins and rhinestones fabricated from the blood of failed glam squads. Yes, Erika is desperate to keep up her facade, and pretenses, which is sad. She certainly has no business calling others out on being fake when she’s both fake and tawdry. 

Brandi Glanville appears at RHOBH reunion

Speaking of desperate… Andy plays a video from the show’s biggest fan, Brandi Glanville. I won’t even do her the courtesy of recapping this, because as LVP chastised, why are we giving her a platform to say negative and nasty things they can’t respond to? She is ridiculous. And hateful. And truly embarrassing. 

Yolanda Foster's smirk

The entire time Brandi was spouting off, Yolanda smirked. Cause birds of a feather stick together… #LikeAttractsLike (and eventually dislike from likeable people!). Yolanda defended Brandi’s position that LVP is a manipulator, because YoMama is intent to maintain the smokescreen against her own manipulations. Next season she’ll probably be making one of those fired Housewives appearances… one can hope! 

Kathryn insists she’s never heard LVP say anything mean about the women, and she has always been sweet. Furthermore, Kathryn has witnessed LVP be vulnerable. I hope that in two seasons time we’re not seeing Kathryn play the role of Lisa Rinna.

Which means it’s time to rehash Manipulation-Gate, the Dubai Episodes. Andy shows a montage of LVP’s friendships with Lipsa and Kyle, and comments that Kyle and Lisa are fun together. LVP says it’s because it’s a true friendship and they talk every 2 or 3 days. Kyle admits they did giggle over some of Yolanda’s IG photos.”Like when your head was popping out of the toaster…,” LVP explains to Yolanda, as she scolds them for “thinking that’s funny” and mocking her. When did Andy die and make Yolanda the Nurse Ratchet of this reunion? She’s so boring. I don’t see how this colonic tube up the butt has any friends!

I still don’t understand the whole drama about Munchausen. Lipsa trips over her words to ‘own’ that she said it, then immediately follows that up by insisting she wasn’t acting on her own volition. Parroting Brandi, who is never EVER someone anyone should emulate, Lipsa complains that LVP exploited their friendship in order to manipulate.

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Andy points out that nearly every season LVP has someone calling her a puppet-master, way back to the days when Kyle made the initial chess reference. Erika complains that LVP likes to control people and have them under her spell. Even Tom Girardi noticed when he compared LVP to an “alligator,” which Andy says Lisa didn’t seem to offend by. Lisa knew Tom was taking a piss out of her, and considered they were evenly matched and having a fun evening. At the mention of Tom, Erika bristles ready for FemBotika attack mode. Odd reaction. Odd OVER-reaction. 

It simply is too bad Erika and LVP didn’t team up. Oh the sparkly fun that could have been had. If there is one thing that convinces me Erika’s brain cells have been eroded by hair spray, and her sensibilities corroded from listening to Erika Jayne music, it’s that she willingly chose to be Yolanda’s lacky in lieu of being LVP’s equal-partner in gliteratti.

Recounting whether or not Lipsa “misheard” LVP’s comment about Kyle being dragged into the Munchausen, Lipsa maintains those are the facts. LVP denies saying it. Kyle explains her version while Eileen and Lipsa mutter that this is just a rehash of Dubai with LVP refusing to take ownership of her own lie, despite being caught.

Yolanda is asked, again, who she believes. She rambles that as a strong woman LVP often convinces people to act a certain way, so she believes Eileen‘s version of events. Which is, what, exactly? That LVP convinced Lipsa to say the word Munchausen and that LVP wanted Kyle dragged into it? Eileen insists, Lipsa is “not a liar.” 

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Andy says Lipsa and Kyle have essentially the same the statement about what LVP purportedly said, so doesn’t that basically prove she said it? “We rest our case!” announces a triumphant Eileen

I think LVP is a powerful player, both on this show and in the real world. These women want to be around her, in part because she’s fun and funny, but also because she holds valuable cards which they hope to benefit from. When it’s convenient, they are all too eager to be part of her world, hang out with Lady Gaga, and fly on private planes to adopt mini horses. But when they realize they’re eclipsed by LVP, they become bitter. As LVP herself said, with everyone talking about Yolanda’s health, if Lipsa felt a certain way about it she encouraged her to be forthright and discuss it. That is NOT manipulation. And it certainly isn’t gas lighting. LVP isn’t trying to convince these women they’re crazy to discredit them. Lipsa acted crazy last season on her own behalf anyway.

I also think Eileen and Lipsa are taking advantage of LVP’s close friendship with Mohamed, a relationship she wants to protect, knowing LVP will only go so far in her comments or behaviors towards Yolanda

It’s more embarrassing to whine that you’ve been “manipulated” and peer pressured by a friend to act in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Even Kathryn reminded Lipsa she calls herself a “people pleaser.” If you’re so desperate to please others that you do a disservice to yourself, probably time to OWN that you need counseling. Furthermore, Yolanda calling Lipsa “bipolar” and unstable, keeps getting a pass while everyone screeches that LVP is “deflecting” to avoid owning that she manipulates. Mmmmkay. Time to grow up, ladies. 

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I’m sure whatever LVP said to Kyle was joking. I’m positive Kyle joked back, “I’ll take you down in flames with me.” Neither of them probably thought of it again and were shocked to hear it months later turned around as a serious discussion meant to imply malevolence. Lipsa allowed herself to be manipulated by Eileen and threatened by Yolanda. I rest MY case.

Finally, everyone talks about all the horrible things Ken said about the women. Lipsa whips out her phone to report how he called her a “wanker,” among other things. LVP isn’t bothered by Ken’s behavior, but concedes he owes Lipsa an apology. Since EVERYTHING is always about Yolanda, she reminds everyone that Ken called [her behavior] “stupid” – and it’s never OK to insult a woman. Is it OK to accuse a man of assault for placing his hand gently on your arm? The Laws of Logic According to Lyme Brain… 

Everyone is incensed that Ken said Yolanda “looked terrible” at Lipsa’s birthday party. We all know that Ken meant she looked “TERRIBLY ill,” which is something we’ve all said about someone who is sick. “Oh they looked terrible.” Lipsa keeps repeating that Yolanda looked “beautiful,” cause she’s owning backtracking now? No, Yolanda didn’t look terrible, because she’s ‘ugly’ without makeup or supremely ill – it’s that her outsides are finally matching her insides. Like some sort of Disney fable about what being a meanie gets you in the end.

In my favorite Kyle moment pretty much ever, she laughed off Ken insulting her mumus, announcing cheerfully, “They’re kaftans, people!” 

Finally, everyone agrees this is a season of “lesson’s learned.” Andy wonders if LVP and Lipsa will be friends again, or has 20+ years of friendship been flushed down Yolanda‘s toilet alongside her colonic gunk? Lipsa rambles that she would like to move on, which makes ZERO sense. Why would you want to continue a friendship with a woman you claim manipulated you into making terrible accusations against another friend? LVP shrugs that she’s not sure. She seems indifferent. 

Andy ends by asking the women say one nice thing about the person to their right, which means Lipsa will have to pay LVP a compliment. She admits LVP is funny. Too bad she chose Team Lyme Coma. No more tea and kaftans for you! 

TELL US – WHAT HAS LVP LEARNED FROM THIS SEASON? DID BRANDI DESERVE A PLATFORM? WILL LVP AND LISA REPAIR THEIR FRIENDSHIP? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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