Real Housewives of New York recap

Is it me or are things on Real Housewives Of New York just straight up mean this season?! If it isn’t raining men in NYC, it’s raining bitches – and everyone is getting drenched! 

At least things start out positively. Moving into the fifth floor of Manor Morgan is Luann de Lesseps. The heater may not work but at least there’s a hot plate.

While Luann lounges on a bed still bearing the trappings of 1992 bourgeois stylings, she wonders if her hostess with the mostess loose ends, Sonja Morgan, has told Bethenny Frankel about the Tipsy Girl unveiling. Sonja shrugs off the potential snafu. She ain’t scairt of Bethenny. The well of booze has a deep trough, and Tipsy Girl is but a little drop, all of it likely going down Sonja’s gullet. After all, there was once a Skinny Bitch, then along came a Skinnygirl, and that little low-fat piggy went on reality TV and squealed all the way to the bank.

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Luann moves in with Sonja

Across town, Bethenny is having dinner with Ramona Singer and Carole Radziwill. After Ramona throws a tantrum about chairs (because she’s not embarrassing at all), she complains about Sonja’s socially unacceptable behavior. I honestly cannot possibly imagine anything more dense than Ramona not recognizing that she is the living incarnation of “hypocrisy.” I am quite certain Merriam Webster coined a special term for her called Pinotcrite, a picture of “Turtle Time” included in the definition.

Ramona has morphed from the most pinot-infused person ever, to a biatch! And where did Ramona Pinot go!? I’m not hearing about it anymore, now that Skinnygirl is back on the Bravo scene. I’m also not liking this clique Bethenny, Carole, and Ramona have got going. These three are handing out “narcissist” diagnoses faster than I can say the word deflection. Or is it projection? Or is just plain old dumbed-down delusion? I was going to give them a moniker, but I kept getting stuck on Kragle (from the LEGO movie), which in my mind morphed into “Crazzle,” which works.

Anyway, while Ramona is ordering fish Bethenny won’t eat, Bethenny is cackling to Carole, which quickly transitions into cracking on Sonja over Tipsy Girl. Bethenny is livid and feels hurt on a personal level that Sonja is hijacking on her success – especially since Bethenny invited Sonja into her world. And Sonja wants to be part of Bethenny’s world. “Where the people are…” Except Bethenny is more like Ursula the Sea Witch than any kind of Princess Charming.

Bethenny vows to let Sonja have it – and it won’t be with the butter knife Ramona is handing her! Bethenny is brutal, but Ramona is worse! Sonja is supposed to be her friend, but the pinot fountain that is Ramona’s mouth cannot stop spewing nasty comments about Sonja’s behavior, her drinking, and her nonsensical businesses which flounder (pun intended) before ever making it to land. Ouch! C’mon Ro – I thought you were having your 87th Tru Renewal, but you’re turning into Truly Re-Bethennied. And I don’t think that skinny girl has room up her anus for both you and Carole!

Jules & Michael

Jules Wainstein is dealing with a crisis. Her nanny up and quit after cashing the Christmas bonus and Jules can’t figure out how to stuff the pod into the Keurig. She got one of Sonja’s interns to post a “Nanny Wanted” add on Craigslist. The specifics include: must be willing to always wait in line for Jules. Must be willing to give Jules a blow-out. Must not be willing to give MichaelD2 a blow-job. And must be willing to suffer for Jules’ fashion. What kids again? 

The potential candidate scores points for her ability to select Rio’s outfits, and her compliance at waiting in line at nightclubs from Jules‘ youth and Bonpoint sample sales (which I guess kind of counts as child rearing), but since she speaks “Spanglish” instead of Castilian Spanish, she is rejected. #PrioridadesByJules #Spanglish

While Luann is cozying in Sonja’s apartment, hiding from the torrential downpour of men flooding the leaky windows, Ramona meets Dorinda Medley for pancakes at Sarabeth’s. Dorinda chose the restaurant because it recalled a happier, simpler time – when Avery and Hannah were in day school a block away, and the Medley/Singer families were tight-knit. Now the daughters have flown the coop, the husbands have passed away or on, and all that remains are Ramona and Dorinda, nibbling pancakes and pretending they don’t want to fight for the last bite. 

Dorinda

Now their troubles are Sonja and John. The conversation drifts this way almost immediately after Ramona gets ignited by her cappuccino. The trouble with Sonja, according to Ramona, is that she just drinks too much and Tipsy Girl is not a good fit for an actually tipsy girl. Dorinda agrees Sonja is in a bad place, but she comes at it with compassion and suggests that perhaps Ramona is evolving (or devolving) while Sonja stays stuck.

As for John, Dorinda just wants Ramona to mind her P’s & Q’s – if she can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all, but mostly: fake it til you make it because John is here to stay. Since Ramona loves Dorinda, and she’d probably like a discount on dry cleaning, you’d think she’d comply, but I have a feeling we’ll be having this same conversation next episode, and the next, and the next, and next season John’s Housewife tagline will be “I’m the only stain on this show that won’t come out!” 

Speaking of stains, Luann is about to get a very unpleasant reminder of her past transgressions. But first it’s time to tackle that weighty conversation between Bethenny and Sonja

Bethenny confronts Sonja about Tipsy Girl

Bethenny has no patience for Sonja, who skips benignly into Skinnygirl HQ as if this will be a regular old chat between friends who haven’t had their issues spilled onto Page Six. Especially when said issue is one rather incompetent girl’s business being a “cheater brand” on a successful girl’s business. Sonja fed herself to the wolves that day and those wolves were “hangry” – the pack leader especially thirsting for blood colored Skinnygirl red. 

Bethenny rips into Sonja with a ferocity that no amount of Sonja’s put-on precocity can deflect. Yes, Bethenny is right to be livid that Sonja “rode her coattails” by hopping into bed (I hope not literally!) with Peter, the rather shady former business partner of Sonja’s rather shady former friend (that being Ramona), and obviously Sonja is no business woman, no matter how many times she claims to be playing host mother and mascot to a Nigerian Football team called the Invisibles (or however you say that in Nigerian – let’s ask someone on Real Housewives of Atlanta since they’re all having affairs with invisible Nigerian princes.). 

Yes, Skinnygirl is up here, and Tipsy Girl is down there, but the point is that Bethenny has point – Sonja did in fact tread on her turf wearing her very highest heels. Unfortunately, Bethenny didn’t have to go so low-down dirty mean in confronting a woman she considered a friendly acquaintance less than 48 hours earlier. Bethenny shat on Sonja like she was nothing and completely belittled her in a way that was unflattering (for Bethenny), and gross. 

Sonja sobs over Bethenny

Sonja burst into tears. For one half of a hot second Bethenny recoiled at her own harshness. And, honestly, how dare Bethenny, a woman who admitted to marrying for a spinoff, be calling anyone out for being a user. Sonja sobbed that she was just a girl, with a dream, trying to get ahead after shelling out millions in an unfair bankruptcy and being forced to take on Luann as a boarder. Tipsy Girl tied-in nicely with the one venture Sonja actually has afloat, her Sonja In The City party business. Which threw a thing or two, and didn’t require much effort on her part, so she synched up with these two guys who seemed to have a good thing going.

I believe Sonja and I don’t. I think the intelligent part of Sonja, which she works so diligently to hide, immediately knew Bethenny would have an issue with the thing she holds most precious being infringed upon. Tipsy Girl was no accidental coining. Yet, I think Sonja hoped Bethenny would laugh it off as another Sonja-Gaffe, another Sonjaism that would go no where but up in smoke and mirrors, and Tipsy Girl would be passed around the hollowly triumphant finale party, then lapped off the floor by Carole’s Baby, who turned to booze because his helicopter mother never taught him coping skills and made him lie to his father that he never ate meat, while secretly feeding him Steak Tartare. In short, I believe Sonja cried because she’d been caught, and also because she’s desperate, but also because she realized she’d traded a powerful semi-ally for an equally powerful enemy.

Carole and Adam are now writing a cookbook. And fostering a kitten. Because apparently Carole’s story line is animal hoarding. Adam included – he is awfully furry and fuzzy around the edges. And if we want to talk potential “cheater brands,” doesn’t ole Bethenny have a cookbook. Isn’t one of those cookbooks a vegetarian cookbook?! Oh my!

Carole writes the proposal while the kitten frolics and Baby chases, and Adam turns radishes into letters – Common Core Cooking? This revolutionary little book they’re working on will shine a never before seen spotlight on veganism for the middle-aged girl and will be whimsical, if you like watermelons instead of watermelon sour patch kids. Which are vegan, I might add. Carole has abandoned her long overdue manuscript to dot Adam’s I’s and cross his T’s, and pretend she likes holistic living. All facades are not created equal. 

At the very least these two are cute. And so are kittens. Plus it was the only scene of the night (other than SoAnn shaking up) that didn’t feature screaming, crying, Jules, or John

Oh dear, and now it’s time again for the John portion of our evening. Because this season of RHONY is forever brought you by the letter “J” and the number “Again” (as in “Infinity”), which is the number of times we have to bear witness to Ramona pretending she’ll try to get along with John and do the decent thing; multiplied by the number of times we’ll have to bear witness to John pretending to put aside his differences with Ramona for the sake of Dorinda. Then they’ll both promptly do the opposite as fast as humanly possible. Faster than Ramona can judge a narcissistic alcoholic who will ruin her dating life. 

Sonja Returns

The evening begins at Sushi Roxx where Luann is in high spirits due to her dry spell lifting once she moved to Sonja’s fifth floor. When you’re up, you’re up! And when you’re wet, you’re wet – so says Ramona. Who laughs so hard at her own crass joke that she knocks over her wine glass, shattering it. But she’s never ever embarrassing in public! The Pinot Vulgarities continue when Ramona reveals that Harry Dubin has been running around town saying Lu’s Lady Lu is anything but dry, and actually squirts. In case we didn’t hear that all the way in Queens, where John’s flashlight reading glasses are resting on his nightstand waiting to inspect Dorinda, Ramona repeated it over and over. Luann was embarrassed, but being Luann, she took it like a champ.

rhony-luann-shocked

Then Ramona dashes off to Doridna’s party, the one Dorinda is hosting with John. The one Ramona wasn’t actually invited to given that she can’t stand John and derides him as the silent fart following Dorinda around Manhattan like a human stain unremovable by anything in Madame Paulette’s retinue. 

Lu and So stay behind to discuss the trouble with Bethenny. Luann is supportive of Sonja’s strife and starting to recognize a pattern in Bethenny’s aggressiveness. She decides Bethenny needs to get laid, and therefore, unwound. Possibly Lu will pass a guy out her window, using the pulley system, and string him along to Cheateu Skinny. The merriment ends at John’s party where Luann runs into her stalker ex-boyfriend Rey who begs her to love him and kiss him, and causes Luann to flee. 

Ramona is practically salivating. As if Rey was made of pinot and she must gulp him down. She scampers over hoping to get the goods on Luann’s dirty deeds. What is Ramona’s deal with trying to make Luann look bad? Why would she be so desperate for gossip that she’d talk to this cretin, who is clearly trashed and who sounded like Balki Bartokomous. Apparently he comes from Ibiza? 

John was asking himself the same question as he decided to eject Rey (what a pretentious put-on of an ‘I moved to NYC to reinvent myself’ name). Shockingly, Ramona defends Rey and insists he isn’t doing anything wrong, EVEN though Sonja was also uncomfortable with him!

Ramona argues with John

Of course, being John and Ramona (who I’m beginning to think need a good hate f–k!), they escalate into a screaming argument. Ramona wasn’t defending Rey, she was asserting herself to John. Rey was transference, but John didn’t want it, so he shoved his hand in Ramona’s face – absolutely appalling and unacceptable! – and demanded she leave as well. Poor Dorinda is beside herself. She tries to tell Ramona that Rey is gross, then she begs John to back down. 

Eventually, Ramona, who is never an embarrassment, leaves WITH REY! Dorinda follows and their argument erupts in the street. Dorinda accuses Ramona of ruining the party to cause a scene. Dorinda knows Ramona did this on purpose and is furious. Ramona, naturally, takes zero ownership for her behavior and blames John.

Dorinda snaps on Ramona

Ramona storms away (with Rey trailing after). Then Dorinda gets in a cab to go home because she’s furious with John, disgusted with Ramona, and exhausted by it all. John chases her down and begs her to stay, but Dorinda refuses. She informs him that his actions were justified – kicking Rey out, telling Ramona to stay out of it – but his reactions – shoving his hand in Ramona’s face and screaming – were certainly not.

Dorinda is a smart, sweet woman – kind but tough, honest but never mean, righteous in her assessments but loyal and fair. The kind of no bullshit woman Bethenny imagines herself to be. Except Bethenny is a cheater brand Dorinda. 

TELL US – IS TIPSY GIRL A CHEATER BRAND? DID BETHENNY OVER-REACT OR DID SONJA DESERVE IT? WHO WAS WORSE: JOHN OR DORINDA?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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