Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was wash, rinse, and repeat pantygate. And even though the stains have come out, Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley still can’t toss them in the drawer and move on. Can’t one of Dorit’s three full-time housekeepers clean up this mess? What about “Soapy and Sudsy“?
Andy Cohen wastes no time defrosting the world of Erika Jayne, wondering why she has to be so cold? But Andy and I are on different time frames, so my first order of business is discussing wardrobe. Which means Kyle Richards.
UGH. How does Kyle By KantDressTooThousand expect us to take her boutique seriously when she is wearing a cold-shoulder leotard that she put a strapless bra over. With a skirt that looks like shape wear. SERIOUSLY!? I just cannot. even. fathom. why?! Kyle is aware that when organizing a ‘sitting down for TV outfit’ one should, you know, TEST how it looks while seated? Apparently, these are things only non-showbiz people know – the former F-list child stars did not get such stellar education.
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Kyle later reveals that there’s a special section of her closet where she hoards all her past reunion dresses, and any other clothes she wore when something bad happened on the show. I’m beginning to think that section is giving her closet bad Feng Shui, or super krappy kaftan karma, because her outfits are getting worse. Time to bring back that organizer and do a purge. All the ladies need a bonfire of the hideous outfits. Like tomorrow!
But moving along, Dorit had a fungus growing out of her head and off her dress, which seemed to be molting gold. Lifestyles of the rich and wannabe famous! So Dorit hired a glam squad to give her my after yoga hair? Clearly I need to get out of the writing from home business and into the advising bored pampered rich women about their hair/makeup/wardrobe business. Tip No 1: A mirror is your friend – self-reflection; get some!
Lisa Rinna looked like every Lisa Rinna of the last five decades. Essentially, Lisa Rinna is a cardboard cutout of Lisa Rinna at this point. Eileen Davidson had the best dress. Lisa Vanderpump looked really nice. Erika wore something stiff, sequiny, and awkward looking.
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On the positive, Erika is wearing her underpants today! Dorit is also wearing her big girl panties. However, Lisa Rinna, attention-seeker at large, is lodging a protest by not wearing any – it’s in homage to all of Erika’s suffering. Oh for the love of coochies – get some coverage! It’s almost like she wants PK to see her Harry Hamlin territory. Or maybe she wants Harry to notice her hairy since he’s forgotten? Per Lisa: “If I flash you – enjoy it!” Well, get the magic blur tool ready!
Enough about who wore what badly – let’s talk some shit!
Erika is performing on Dancing With The Stars and promises to donate the Mirror Ball trophy to WWHL if she wins. Considering she has a Chagall painting lying on her living room floor, I’m not surprised the DWTS trophy means absolutely nothing to her. Although Erika does love herself a good tacky sequin.
Almost instantly, we’re talking Hong Kong meltdowns, questionable momage, and drama with Dorit. Erika does not think she’s an ice queen, merely “super sensitive.” I think labeling Erika “queen” is generous – Erika is basically aloof. But poor Dorit doesn’t get it – she may speak four languages but none of them are Erika! The more Dorit tried to find a friendship, the more Erika just built a wall, using her glam squad and several Manolo shoe boxes.
Dorit insists most of her comments to Erika were meant to be jokes, but Erika doesn’t get her humor. Erika thinks there’s a nugget of truth in every barb. A sentiment LVP could wholly agree with – and she’s talking about her own barbs here.
Regarding Erika’s Big Trouble, Little Hong Kong meltdown on Eileen – they’re all good. Of course. Because Eileen is Erika’s humble servant, beseeching her forgiveness with never-ending puss pats of empathy. Erika’s reason for her outbursts was that she just called her son before dinner and he was headed to the funeral of a fellow police officer who had been murdered in the line of duty. Hearing things in that context – gonna give pussy galore a patty-pat-pass.
Andy is very curious about the Spawn Of Jayne. Erika‘s son still lives at home, and he can’t be discussed on the show because of safely concerns with his job, however he is supportive. After the Hong Kong explosion that coated Eileen in glitter so thick it was suffocating, Erika “apologized” by graciously gifting Eileen her glam squad for the following day. Those pampered pusses fly business class to every and all events. She needs to hire me. Erika may love Mikey, but I could do better. I wouldn’t let Erika go on national TV looking like a broke and busted My First Beauty Shop Barbie! I know a thing or two about ‘more is less’. Well, that’s a lie, but my false eyelashes aren’t eating my face. Nor are they creating Housewives peace treaties.
Erika’s childhood did sound kinda rough – her mom basically treated her like a personal assistant the moment she could walk. As a result, Erika is still smothering her son. Something LVP can personally relate to – her parents never said ‘I love you’ so it’s no wonder she married the ever-loving and doting Ken and no wonder she’s so eternally forgiving of people like Jax Taylor. Maybe Lisa and Erika need to start a Save A Perpetual Child From Adulting foundation? I bet they could convince Rinna, attendee of an opening of an envelope, to be its celebri-not ambassador! Perhaps a portion of her QVC harem pant sales could go towards the cause?! And Harry Hamlin could host a bake sale (pies only)!
Let’s investigate the many ways LVP, Lipsa, and Eileen will never ever be friends. Oh these gals – well, they’re still not over last season. Their drama is more chronic than Yolanda
Foster Hadid‘s Lyme disease, and it’s left LVP, Lipsa, and Eileen at 30% functioning. At least in my estimation, although, I’m no holistic healer who reads feet energy and transforms toe jam into a de-ionizing, sulfite free, toxin eliminating smoothies. Maybe in my next job if ‘Glam Squad Engineer’ doesn’t work out.
Anyway, LVP fully admits she still hasn’t let go. I like it when Lisa is honest and just simply says what is. She also said that Eileen attending the Yulin documentary went a long way to softening things. For LVP, at least. Eileen, on the other hand, is newly offended because LVP made so many snippy comments in her interviews. She’s less upset, though, because she expects as much, and now understands that LVP has never been sincere and is a woman who likes to “go under” the skirt just to get a reaction.
LVP apologized for her rather rude comment about Vinnie being up some girls skirt, which she acknowledges was made just to be provocative.
As for Lispsa, she came, she lost her false eyelashes, and she floundered. Or maybe she floated. The thing is, Lipsa is a good villain. Partly because she’s too clueless to get that she’s so hilariously villainous, but also because she pretty much embraces it and doesn’t care. Lipsa is good TV – sue me. And she can be fun.
Even LVP and Kyle acknowledge this – it’s basically RHOBH fact – and LVP loves to see Lipsa get in trouble. It is the best, isn’t it. Let’s get Lipsa her very own Dunce Cap for next year’s reunion, then we’ll just sit her off into the corner where she’ll smile daffily, counting her pills. It’s Lipsa’s zany world and we’re all just trying not to live in it! How could it not bring LVP joy to see Lipsa in the hot seat; burning her keister on bad vibes and stupid nonsense. It’s sort of perfect – she’ll never have to wax again.
Lipsa is RHOBH’s annoying little sister, and she insists that all her arguing with LVP cannot undo that they shared a life-bonding moment, which on some level has connected them FOR-EV-VER. Or whatever mumbo-jumbo, new age-y stuff Eden Sassoon sold them on back stage in a pack of crystals. Is she even here?
Anyway, it was the mini ponies. Sadly, Terry, the man who brought LVP‘s ponies and a dear friend, was in a helicopter crash with his wife and they perished. Not to sound callous, but isn’t dying by crashing your private helicopter after delivering mini horses about the most Beverly Hills appropriate death ever?!
Andy recovers things with a rejuvenating montage of how things are bigger, better, and flashier in Beverly Hills. My invisible kingdom for a day in LVP’s shoes. Not the garden clogs though.
Oh, speaking of a day in the life – let’s venture into Dorit’s. THREE full-time housekeepers? A revolving door of nannies?! Somehow PK procured a
Rent-A-Firkin Birkin after Dorit jumped off the yacht in Mexico (I thought there was a ten-year waiting list for those?!) Dorit truly lives a magically, hands-off life of flip-flopping accents and cars handmade from gold.
Apparently, Dorit needs all this help, because she travels frequently for work. What exactly IS her work? In a recently discovered YouTube flashback, we travel through time to 2013 to meet “Dorit Lemel,” a bikini designer featuring a different accent and nose. Where did this animtonic PK accoutrement emerge? Was she hatched from a Birkin, then dumped on the doorstep of a down-on-his-luck divorcee?
Hilariously, Kyle claims she’s never had a nanny. From that I’m inferring that Kyle leaves 9-year-old Portia home all alone all the time. Maybe it’s training for a Portia Home Alone (the movie) sequel – reality TV version!
Since this is the season of amnesia, and ginkgo biloba is NOT in one of Lipsa’s smoothies, Andy decides to shake things up by introducing PK to the stage immediately. A husband in segment one?! This, like Lipsa and Erika wearing Evil Twin shoes, is a reunion first. PK is nervous, and begins by imparting the valuable lessons he’s learned as a House Husband, namely that the ladies fight their own battles and the men have no taglines. In real life, the husbands may finance the Birkins, but in Bravoland, they are less the accessory than a squished Fendi Baguette.
Everyone’s real beef (pun intended) with PK is not the size of his bank account, but sizable peek he took up Erika’s skirt. Allegedly. PK begins by apologizing to Erika, explaining that he truly only glanced once and then made a conscious effort not to stare. Unfortunately, he took his subsequent jokes too far. That British (or Dorit) humor! I think PK came across well. At least so far.
All involved here made too big a deal at some point. Now Erika is taking her defensiveness too far. She’s convinced PK has essentially told everyone she’s a puss-flashing hoochie. Except this is only her stage persona! Erika Jayne and Erika Girardi are two different people: Erika Jayne wears c–nty necklaces and drops it like it’s hot; Erika Girardi drops nothing. Like Ever. She’s been thoroughly Eileen’d. (that’s a RHOBH verb now).
Dorit says that Erika announcing how she wasn’t wearing panties created the “pink elephant” in the room, then everyone was trying to look/not look. Most especially PK? When PK, not apparently learning his Househusbandry lesson, starts vouching for Dorit’s pure intent with the pantygram, Erika calls him “nasty.” Nasty for trying, for sure!
We end on a cliffhanger with next week featuring more of the pink elephant that has taken over Erika’s puss (does that sound like the worst porno ever made or what?!) They all need to get over this, or just do a three-way flash to put all embarrassment on the table (at SUR!).
The time has come, my frenemies, to throw those stretched-out disintegrating panties into the garbage heap of other RHOBH storylines – beside Taylor‘s lips, Adrienne‘s Maloof-Hoof, the $25,000 sunglasses, Camille‘s dastardly dinner party cocktail troughs, Brandi‘s tabloids, empty wine bottles, moving boxes, ratty extensions, dating history flow chart, and dick-tionary, Yolanda‘s white bathrobe and empty IV needles, and the drama over Kim‘s sobriety…oops – I’ve gone too far! That will NEVER fade away.
TELL US – IS PK NASTY? WILL LVP, RINNA, AND EILEEN EVER MOVE ON?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]