It always pains me to see Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills go. Like a visit from a pesky sibling who annoys you the whole time they’re there, but the second they leave it’s like awwwww… but you guys have big diamonds, mini ponies, glam squads, and travel to fancy destinations, and I miss you already. I should note that no siblings of mine have any of the aforementioned things but my sister-in-law does work for Disney World.
Alas, my love-hate relationship with the ladies of Beverly Hills goes deep and none so illustrates this point better than Lisa Rinna. That woman! One part high-octane insanity, one part sensible bluff caller, one part, well, a concoction not currently identifiable. But as Lisa Vanderpump agreed, there’s something lovable about Lipsa!
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Rinna is a wild ride: she’s the one who will ‘go there’ – ten minutes later she’ll be frantically scrabbling to put it in reverse, then blaming you for not telling her where the hazard lights were. But for the ten minutes she’s in the crazy zone, driving with one hand in her pocket and the other one handing out high fives (or bunnies), I am hanging on for dear life and laughing my ass off. It should be a ride at Disney World actually. And that’s exactly how the showdown (part 200) with Kim Richards went.
So the damn bunny, the damn Rambles, and the damned Rinna were back in all their splendiferous nonsense. Just when I decided LVP should make an exemption and bring the bunny to Vanderpump Dog Rescue, it thankfully found its forever home in the WWHL clubhouse where Andy will honor its drama and respect its sad, crumpled life as the talisman of everything that is hateful about Kim Richards. A quick death at the jaws of lifelessness from Kingsley would have been less painful than being shuffled around the reunion stage as if it carries the plague of bankruptcy, cheating husbands, repossessed Bentleys, and de-youthening Lyme treatments.
Honestly, this bunny deserves a memorial for its suffering. First being trapped in Kim’s condo of crazy, then for being subjected to the reunion. Erika Girardi should do a song, complete with gyrating bunny hop dance, called “No Bunny Loves Me.” Kim can sing backup, with Rinna and Eileen Davidson as backup dancers. Bravo should most certainly produce their own line of stuffed bunnies – the perfect baby gift for someone you hate? Let’s put a werepuppy face on a bunny. Or a Kim Richards face on a bunny. The possibilities are endless.
So we hop right back into the drama with Kim pretending she needs to explain to Rinna how she’s just a superstitious gal who didn’t want the bad-juju bunny to fall into the hands of her innocent grandson. Last week, when Kim approached Rinna to talk, Lisa’s succinct “No” was perfect! I cheered! This week, sadly, we see Lisa elaborate on that “no” and fall right back into the iron clutches of Kim’s drama. She told Kim she’s a “sick woman” (she is!) and called the bunny bitch slap “the most humiliating thing” that’s ever happened to her. I find it hard to believe that a woman who described her birth canal in gory details on national TV is so embarrassed by Kim’s de-bunnying maneuver! I mean, Lisa did a Depends commercial for God’s sake!
Yet because Kim is a sick woman, that’s exactly the response she’d hoped for: to goad Rinna into snapping and to say some mean stuff so she could be vindicated in showcasing “The Real Lisa.” Kim excitedly repeated this several times – thankfully it fell on deaf ears.
Lisa even pulled out a “f–k off” button and aimed it at Kim. Kim did not take the hint. Of course not, because we have to play round three zillion of “Poor Whiddle Rambles Richards – Victim Of Our Times; Martyr Of Despaired Housewives Everywhere” UGH. F–k OFF indeed.
Rinna said it when she accused Kim of using her as a “meal ticket,” and that Kim had been plotting the bunny-annihilation for months. Kim and Kyle Richards get all huffy that Kim is an “original Housewife” and has turned down the show for the last few years. LVP even bemoans Rinna denigrating a woman so humbly devoted to her sobriety, needing tireless support. To quote Rinna; “yeah the f–k right!”
It’s assumed Kim is broke and needs the work. Also, rumors had suggested that producers have wanted her gone for years, but Kyle (who reminded us with a clip way back from S1) reportedly begs to keep her on the show. That is why Lisa is correct to stop engaging with Kim from now on, to never mention her again, and to just not comment.
RELATED – Kyle Says RHOBH Saved Kim’s Life!
Kyle can deny she’s an enabler, even when confronted with hard and fast evidence caught on tape (the infamous S1 limo scene), because she’s not handing Kim a drink. Instead, she’s handing her stacks of dollar bills via a Bravo contract, and that flashback was shadiest Andy moment ever. YESSS!
Kim and Kyle sure love their revisionist history. Kim has been on this show with her crazy ass behavior, her obviously “induced” outbursts, yet because of MY SOBRIETY! no one is allowed to comment. No boo-boo – doesn’t work that way. You play; you pay! The Twisted Sisters Richards live on forever circling their own drain, and draining the life out of everyone else in the process.
So why did Eileen even bother engaging Kim to defend her legacy as an EMMY AWARD-WINNING SOAP ACTRESS who would never(!) fake drama for RHOBH. Why bother responding to Kim’s disseminating breakdown of ‘reality’ vs. ‘reality life’? Says Kim, the woman who wants to hide her entire life from reality TV because MY SOBRIETY is off limits, you bad evil women.
C’mon, Eileen?! Rambles will be the “loudest and the most obnoxious person” in any room for attention. She has that in common with Eileen’s pal Rinna! And who cares what Kim thinks about your career!? When Eileen found herself turning into Rambles and straying far, far from that sought real-reality she had the presence of mind to call it quits. Because what Kim wants is attention, which she equates with relevance. (Let’s hope Kim doesn’t post any nearly nude Instagram pics in her quest!)
Why was Eden Sassoon there? To remind us that it was she who actually egged all the ‘is-she-or-isn’t-she’ (sober or on Xanax) story lines on? Kim thinks Eden did this on purpose, but Eden maintains that she was projecting her own relationship with her sister. Then Eileen unhelpfully reminds Kim that she’s the one who started all the drama with Rinna at game night by interjecting in panty problems and insulting Soapy & Sudsy, the dual-sworded, self-reciprocating friendly fire harridan.
Everyone presses Rinna on whether or not she truly didn’t remember the “near death” comments. She’s still adamant she didn’t – Kyle thinks she was backed into a corner and panicked, then didn’t want to admit that she said it in that moment. Lisa and Kyle have this realization that Kim ruined their friendship, and it was sort of a sad moment because Kim ruins Kyle’s everything. But Kyle’s not an enabler.
Poor Rinna. It’s hard being everyone’s mouthpiece and then having to own it! But as Dorit Kemsley perfectly explains, “You keep taking it on the chin because you’re the one putting your dukes up.” That is so true. Lisa may argue that she “observes behaviors” and “speaks her truth” but that is some Ramona Singer logic that’s only applicable in the land of Housewives.
Then, it’s time to discuss Xanax and inducements, which in Housewives land is all the fault of Eden‘s word salad, tossed with smoothies full of supplemental knowledge, then sprinkled liberally with crystal hearsay.
In many ways, Dorit is Lipsa-Lite, and in that same way I both love and hate her. And respect her and am appalled by her. I predict next season she’ll be making the same sort of outlandish accusations then claiming her Ginkgo Biloba isn’t working. LVP has a type, apparently. We never get an answer on what Dorit meant when she suggested Lisa’s personality was “induced.” I do think Dorit had something up her bedazzled sleeve when she kept casually mentioning the Xanax to the other ladies, then demurring that it was a joke. One thing that’s cleared up is that Rinna’s coke accusation was “retaliatory.”
So to grade Rinna’s performance, despite falling into Kim’s trap, she still has the upper hand. Because with all Kim’s hopping around in her seat, levitating with vindictive glee, Kim’s ass was out (not literally – figuratively). However, when it came to Rinna’s issues with Dorit, though, she’s no longer winning. The coke comment was pathetic and meant only to defame.
Luckily, before we spent 1900 hours arguing about what “induced” means to each woman, Erika swoops in with an equalizing after-school special about the power of words and the importance of not perpetuating half-truths, which can be career and life destroying. Erika graciously allows Kim to include herself in the category of ‘women whose careers has been negatively affected by things others have said on RHOBH.’ Sure – we’ll go with that. [eye roll]
Rinna whips out her baggie of pills, which has Kim salivating to illustrate how bad Lisa is (or the powerful inducements of digestive enzymes), but Lisa has a master-list to account for every pill, which she reads aloud until Andy actually offers her a Xanax! A real one. We finally – Finally! – say goodbye to Kim as she tries to hand-off the bunny, and Lisa stalks off stage seeking that Xanax.
Then it’s onto LVP and her touching story lines of saving dogs and Max’s adoption. Happily, ten dogs have been forever homed in the four days since Vanderpump Dogs opened. Also, the fight against Yulin continues and is starting to have effect.
LVP reports that Max found his birth mother, and she’s actually glad, not threatened. Lisa wants Max to contact her, but is concerned that he may be disappointed. Max plans to thank his birth mother because otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten LVP and Ken. AWW! And obviously – who wouldn’t want LVP and Ken?! Maybe Giggy now that Harrison, that hairy usurper, has arrived! (How cute was that interlude?)
Rinna’s daughters are also tackling the world of Gigi and Bella. Delilah modeled for D&G, and Amelia almost walked in Miu Miu but she’s too young (15!! What about school?!).
Rinna praises Gigi up the wazoo and gives Yolanda all the credit for raising such a beautiful daughter. I guess Mohamed has been master cleansed right out of the equation? Overall, Lisa’s home life is “happy” despite Housewives, but even HarryHamlin (one word) remarked, “You just can’t help yourself, can you?” Rinna, like Popeye (pop-lips?) is who she is, and smoothies make her strong.
Ergo, the ladies end with a smoothie toast and positive recollections. Dorit has learned a lot about how fast things spread – especially legs! – and regrets panty-gate. Lisa, as always, has regrets, most notably that she ever discussed Kim, and vows not to do it again. Kyle actually looked sour at that prospect – cause
Kingsley’s Kim’s gotta eat.
LVP had a good season – she loved working with Dorit, her friendship with Kyle strengthened, and despite it all, she’s found the love for Lipsa again.
Eileen has finally recognized that not everyone is playing with the “same deck of cards” and doesn’t need to discuss every nuance and detail ad nauseam. Life isn’t like a soap opera script with carefully written dialogue and intense conversations about meaning and suspected schadenfreude. Kyle has love and respect for all the women and loves this group as-is. Erika is happy the women got to know her softer side, but she still believes everyone needs a little Erika Jayne gyrations in their life. Andy, well, he rescued blue bunny, so all is well that ends well.
Backstage, I’m sure Kim was plotting, plotting, plotting for how Eileen, that beast, will become her target next season.
TELL US – DID LISA RINNA WIN OR LOSE THE REUNION? DO YOU WANT DORIT BACK NEXT SEASON? WHAT ABOUT KIM?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]