I’ll tell you what is about the most disappointing thing that could ever happen on a Real Housewives Of Atlanta episode – that I did not get to experience Sheree Whitfield Vs. Party Planner: The Resurrection. I was all excited for a revival of the infamous “Who gon’ check me boo?” moment (like basically my favorite real Housewives moment ever), and instead I got a lackluster mini-fit of Sheree tearing off her mic and acting like a normal person under stress. Let’s just call this what it is – unacceptable!
See, I depend on Sheree to act like, well, Sheree. Sheree of yore, that is. Like “Budget, what’s that?!” This new evolved, life-coached Sheree, who is essentially your average busy-body after an extra pumpkin spice latte and behaves strangely mature-ish (for her), is a real snooze.
Backing up, Sheree decided to host a 70’s party for her mother’s 70th birthday. And considering that Thelma is basically the reason for the continued existence of Chateau Sheree, I’d say that’s a fair trade-off. Sheree hired a party planner called “Tiffany,” who it seemed was doing a pretty adequate job of attempting to push Sheree into a meltdown, but when push came to shove, Sheree just dropped that drama disco ball (the one that wasn’t even centered above the dance floor!).
Like where is the Sheree that demanded a helicopter to fly her into the party and then spazzed and snapped when she was told that couldn’t happen. I need “extra” Sheree (Sherextra?!) – like what even was that discount 70’s costume she had on? Where was her impractical Diana Ross-realness!? The new Sheree, who when told her party planner WASN’T SHOWING UP WITH THE LINENS 2 HOURS BEFORE THE PARTY, did not storm over to Tiffany’s office to towel snap her with those linens until Bravo infamy was made or hunt her down across Atlanta while wearing a wig, but merely cussed her out over voicemail, then threw the phone. Come ON!
Why were we not given the courtesy of an epic confrontation? Instead we got a party with great costumes but had to be satisfied with Porsha Williams fighting with her sister Lauren over Porsha not recognizing that she’s a selfish, self-absorbed jerk. (Didn’t they have this fight already?) Which I tell you, is no substitution!
Tiffany and Sheree – you disappointment me. Especially you Sheree. You have been checked by a mythical party planner nobody ever even saw. Hmph.
In other news, Kandi Koated Kompany is hiring a new assistant because after years of abuse Carmon is finally quitting to open her own insurance agency. She’s not off the chain gang completely though, because Kandi Burruss is an “investor” in this new business. Is Kandi like running a music-industry mafia? Let these people MOVE ON. Everyone must be so endlessly dedicated to and wrapped-up in Kandi’s Kandi-ness and it’s just exhausting.
I don’t care what Don Juan and the Klique have to say about Porsha and Shamea. Why do they even care how much Kandi spent on her plane ticket and how Porsha supposedly can’t afford one or why she cannot allow her feet to touch the airplane floor in case of blood clot? Porsha is hoarding her money for that salon she’s never gonna open and the hoverboard that will transport her from there to Dish Nation to Kenya (the actual country, not the Moore Manor off the country highway).
Kandi still isn’t talking to Porsha, but she sure is talking about her. And Porsha is always doing something ridiculous – like wrapping her entire body up like a mummy with the hopes that she’ll come out looking like Beyonce. I’m not saying anyone on this show should accept real-reality status quo, because otherwise why would I watch them? However, they ain’t never gonna be Beyonce, have her thigh gap, or be mistaken for her in any airport, so maybe instead of reaching for their wildest dreams they could aim for being compared to a lesser member of Destiny’s Child? In their heyday at least – I’ll allow them that.
Anyway, Porsha does body wrapping because “this grown woman weight don’t play” and her thighs are now the size her waist once was. Being a “baby vegan” hasn’t given her the 24 inch waist of her high school days, so she put on some oven gloves, a thousand pounds of surgical tape, and got on a trampoline for about 15 minutes. Except her booty couldn’t be contained by the gauze and some came popping out – now I guess she’ll have a lopsided half-slenderized butt?
After that, Porsha took herself to a meeting with her business advisor and real estate agent to see about opening a salon. She was praising herself for being only a little late this time, when the actual adults in the room dropped the bomb that opening a salon was not going to happen next week like setting up a Barbie playset, it would take 9 months and require things like business plans, financing, projections, staff, location build-out, permits, and Porsha actually figuring out her role in the whole enterprise. Presently, she envisions she’ll Bentley over there after her Dish Nation gig to “hang out” among her people, while someone else does all the work – someone like her sister Lauren. Still Porsha claims she’ll be in charge and running things. Just not at the office level. Or the managerial one. Or the financial one. Just like the fun one? It’s basically a hair-brained scheme (pun intended!).
Lauren and Porsha snip at each other about what Porsha wants until the real grown-ups in the room leave to do real grown-up jobs, then they get into a full-on fight in the middle of a restaurant because Lauren feels used and unappreciated by Porsha. Apparently, this salon is supposed to be a partnership deal, except Porsha is the greater partner since she has more money, but Lauren is the one doing all the work. Lauren is also dependent on Porsha for her job and living arrangement, but Porsha-sitting has taken its toll and she is not paid accordingly.
Did I mention that neither of these girls is a hair dresser, nor has ever worked in a salon, let alone owned one? Also, I don’t think they ever mentioned owning a salon before last week, because they didn’t have the simplest details ironed out! So after Porsha shrieks that she’s done all this ‘business-ing’ for the greater good of her family, Lauren storms out complaining that she and her daughter are going to be out on the street. Have none of these people ever heard of an apartment? You don’t have to live in self-named mansions, palaces, chateaus, and manors.
However, I get it – Lauren does all the work for the hair care line and everything else, yet Porsha’s name is up in lights, which engenders that she gets most of the profits. Also, Lauren is Porsha’s sister, so she’s being paid less than an actual employee, which further provides Porsha more profit. It occurs to me that this is also pretty much Kandi’s business model: hire people who she’s close with her so they’re less likely to argue about wages or hours or any of that employee/employer stuff that the real world demands.
Anyway, the salon is no more open than the gap between Porsha’s must-be-elevated-thighs.
In other developments-ish, Cynthia Bailey goes on a date with Will, who she decides is her in male form. Except not, since no matter what she proclaims, her dating game is weak! Five minutes after divorce, she’s already considering another relationship!
No one assumes that Will could be dating Cynthia, but not sleeping with other women on the side. Because men cannot go without sex? OR because that is how dating in the post-Tinder romance economy works? Or because none of these women think they’re worth a man waiting for them? I really don’t know, but Kenya Moore and NeNe Leakes have different advice for how Cynthia should handle this. Kenya, who after 65 engagements and I don’t know how many rent-a-men, has finally found a Prince Charming via voice mail, says Cynthia has no right to know and definitely shouldn’t ask Will. NeNe, who has been married since before people had thought a smart phone was possible, thinks Cynthia needs to find out. I say if this Will is as great as they all say he is, why assume he’s sleazy?
Oh, Kenya – so her marriage is off to an auspicious start! Her husband is living in NYC for business, while she remains in ATL to go about the business of being a Housewife. A Real one, not a real one, which is what her husband likes her to be: cooking, cleaning, and sexing – all the wifely duties. So basically he got a mail order bride? Cause this is giving me a whiff of 90 Day Fiance without the visa drama.
One of Kenya’s annoying dogs (sorry, I cannot stand them) pees on her wedding gown. She just wipes it off with her hand and a tissue, then calls Marc to tell him all about the dog pee, how much she loves and adores him, all the lingerie she still has. He doesn’t pick up, so she’s attempting to leave voicemail after voicemail which keeps cutting-off and hanging up, because Kenya is literally reading a romance book on tape these messages go on so long. Yet persistent she is; calling back and back. Honey. Sigh. This is why it took you so long to find a man! Let them breathe a little! How about, “Thinking about you. Call me when you’re done with work so I can tell you about that lingerie I’ll be bringing up this weekend. Love you!”
Anyway, they see each other every weekend and have so much sex Kenya had to put a bag of frozen peas on her crotch. Then she goes back to ATL, and refuses to tell anyone his name.
Finally there is NeNe. Life is supposed to be good: Brentt graduated high school and plans to go into the family business of the entertainment industry (eye roll), NeNe is hot – literally and figuratively, and she and Gregg are doing marvelously. Except for his health. He goes to the hospital with numbness and dizziness, which he assumes is his heart. At first, NeNe behaves like it’s no big deal. She’s so flippant, she actually puts on a costume and takes herself to Sheree’s Soul Train party where she jive turkeys all over the Chateau. She’s never been to the Chateau, and knowing how it goes with that place, if she didn’t get in there now she may never have an opportunity again. Also, Gregg wanted it this way. He wanted his wife to have fun on his death bed. Ok, bad joke! Although even Cynthia is worried NeNe isn’t taking this seriously enough.
The next day though, Gregg is getting minor surgery to investigate the blockage in his heart, but NeNe hasn’t even made it to the hospital when he goes in! Gregg calls, freaking out with nerves, which makes NeNe freak out and think about the possibility of Gregg being diagnosed with a major medical issue, or even worse: not coming home at all. Yikes.
I hope that jive turkey was worth it on this pre-Thanksgiving episode of RHOA. At least, it was a FABULOUS party and everyone looked great, and Kenya’s moves on the Soul Train dance floor – well I can see why her husband is such fan of dancing with her. Get it, girl! Then get them frozen peas!
TELL US – WERE YOU DISAPPOINTED IN SHEREE? IS PORSHA TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER SISTER? SHOULD CYNTHIA TAKE DATING ADVICE FROM KENYA OR NENE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]