On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, we learned that Stassi Schroeder‘s problems with men run deep. Like down in the beautiful, briny sea deep. She’s also being strangled in turtleneck-form by her own ill-advised hubris.
Now, I must do a disclaimer with this recap: Do not expect my usual greatness of prose mixed with pearls of wisdom, as I have the worst cold I have ever had in my human existence. And I feel like garbage. Like what Tequila Katie (minus Tom 2) may smear on Scheana Marie‘s overly-contoured face.
Can we talk about Scheana? Ho-ly does that girl need a ‘stink face’ removal procedure. Didn’t anyone warn her that her face will freeze that way if she makes a poop face immediately after getting Botox? I mean, I get it – she has a hard-earned summer body to protect, but lighten up and eat a lil’ clam. I hear Kristen Doute loves them.
This week is a little bit of a cease fire on Teen Mom 2. Jenelle Evans and Nathan Griffith have resolved one issue in court (assault) and seem to be on their way to resolving custody of son Kaiser out of court (sort of). Meanwhile, Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin don’t have much to say to one another. It’s obviously the beginning of the end for these two when it comes to playing out on TV but it is still unclear exactly when the marriage started to really go south. Maybe all will be revealed in the episodes to come.
As we join Kail, she’s trying to prepare the boys for Javi to come home while juggling college courses and cleaning up dog vomit. You would think after having two little boys, Kail would be better equipped to deal with some dog barf but she recoils from the situation with more fear than she did jumping out of that plane! But Kail has big things going on in her life to focus on. According to Dr. Drew (how involved is he is these poor girls’ lives?), Kail would be the first teen mom EVER to graduate from a four year college. Coupled with the fact that Kail’s mom never went to college, Kail is super motivated to finish school and while Javi might not be around, luckily Jo Rivera and Vee Torres are around to help pick up Isaac from school and cheer on Kail. It’s nice to see how well they are all getting along and creating their own modern family.
Well the Celebrity Big Brother trailers are promising a good one tonight so we can only sit back and think of England….or America…wherever.
We open with the gratuitous scenes of Jasmine and Bianca working out. Can’t miss an opportunity clearly. And I don’t just mean for the cameraman, I’m sure the girls know exactly what they’re doing. Especially when they ask a watching Jedward (one of them at least) and Jamie to help ‘spot’ them. I presume they mean help, rather than eye-spy. I smell ‘camera-time’.
Wonderful readers, please accept my sincerest apology for missing last week’s recap…I was discombobulated with the holidays. You missed what would have been a post rehashing eighty minutes of a certain someone whining more about what she swears was an innocent online relationship turned farce, topped off with four minutes of a not so shocking revelation from one of the Brown children. Last night’s Sister Wives episodes dealt with Mariah’s recent announcement, which unlike her sisters Madison and Mykelti before her, had nothing to do with an engagement. After coming out as a lesbian to Kody Brown and her moms, a huge weight seems to have lifted off of Mariah’s shoulders. Good for her! I would guess that some of Mariah’s behavior and attitude of late has been due to keeping such a big secret. Immediately, Janelle starts laughing–she was so worried Mariah was going to say she was ill. Robyn jumps up in tears of joy.
Both Robyn and Janelle embrace Mariah saying that she seems so happy to have found herself. Kody and Meri stay seated, with Meri sulking that Mariah didn’t tell her first. Christine asks how Mariah has come to this revelation. Mariah cries, revealing that she was homophobic because she was so terrified of her own feeling after hearing such negativity about the gay community from others in her religion (but not from her immediate family). As she explains her thought process to her parents, it’s refreshing to see Janelle, Christine, and Robyn with such huge grins on their faces. Janelle and Robyn are bursting with pride for Mariah. Meri is the only one yet to speak, and Mariah praises Robyn for making her feel like being gay is okay. The other wives leave, and Meri offers a hug. Kody envelopes his daughter in an embrace and tells her that he loves her unconditionally and he’s so glad she felt safe enough to come out to her family.
On the other side of the spectrum, freed from the clutches of one felonious fool, Phaedra Parks is happily clutching her pearls while smirking the good fortune that has fallen into her lap. Or into her law office, rather, and it’s not a bomb threat this time. And Porsha Williams continues her travels backwards in maturity by sneaking her boyfriend into her mom’s house for a little late-night nookie (with Yoni balls).
So here we are, Celebrity Big Brother fans, day 4 in the house which is actually the footage of the daytime footage of the last recap.
Watergate is still weighing on the minds of the housemates. Austin is in the diary room talking about Heidi and Spencer, Stacy and Ray J are in the garden talking about Heidi and Spencer, and Heidi and Spencer are in the bedroom talking about Austin (They missed the memo).
Well tonight looks like the night the niceties vanish and stuff gets real on Celebrity Big Brother. Firstly we have the viewer warning and then the trailers of arguments and new additions (and if the rumors are to be believed, Speidi are not going to know what’s hit them).
So on with the show. Straight off, Stacy’s doing that breaking into song thing again. Which is getting really tired now. One minute talking, next minute booming out a note. If she’s not doing that, she’s talking about Whitney Houston. Again. At least this time she’s actually talking to Ray J about it rather than about him. Thankfully she stops blasting her tunes long enough to have a deep conversation about Whitney’s death and Ray J admits he blames himself, as he had gone to get shoes for a night out and took too long so was running late. A sad conversation which thankfully the housemates treated with respect, decency and tact. Ray J is clearly upset afterwards and seeks solace in the diary room, visibly distressed. Such a shame.
Day 2 in the Celebrity Big Brother house and Ray J is waking up on the sofa because apparently it’s disrespectful to a spouse to share a bed with someone. Has this guy seen the show? Or get any warning what Big Brother entails whatsoever? He needs a word with his manager…if sharing a bed with male or female is this much of an issue, he has some shocks coming his way while he’s here.
We’re still at the stage of the game where everyone is feeling each other out, and weighing each other up. Bianca Gascoigne has a very deep and meaningful conversation about her father with Nicola McLean and Jasmine Waltz (who has been suspiciously quiet so far – the whole thing is like Jenga, when you prod and tease at the blocks to see which is the easiest to bring the whole thing down). Unfortunately, the meaningful conversation is wasted on me as Bianca appears to have metal spikes down the parting of her hair. Like, what the…?! Does she sleep with that in?? Does it not snag?? Does she wake up in a pool of feathers and a ripped pillow cases?? How bizarre.