A quick recap within the recap of their relationship: Mike and Jessica meet – she was young, beautiful, and impressionable and he was…available? Not sure what exactly she saw in him, even back then. They date, she converts to Judaism for him and spends years pushing for an engagement with laser focus. Arguments ensue, cheating rumors endure, and they get married anyway so Mike could floss in a $10K Tom Ford tuxedo (does Tom Ford offer partial refunds?). Now, they are six months into the union and it has less of a chance of survival than Mike’s shoe empire. We all know how it eventually turns out but this is the beginning of the end, playing out for all viewers to see.
“They needed that,” the woman remarked calmly as Ramona and Dorinda held each other and cried after their blow-up. This woman needs to be making more appearances on Bravo.
However, we begin with psycho facialists. Sonja Morgan is getting human skin cells spread on her face, since placenta is too expensive to buy on the black market! Sonja needs to hook Yolanda up with Satoko!
Jazmin is on the hunt for a roommate now that her husband, David Lang, is moving to Florida for work. True to form, Dawn said “hell to the nah” about Jazmin moving in, so Jazmin decides to stop by Jessica’s apartment to see if she can crash there. Unfortunately for Jazmin, a pregnant Katie has already taken that slot. Katie mentions she knows David and Dawn from back in the day and Jazmin tells Katie how crappy of a sister-in-law she is. Jessica makes the obvious observation that Dawn is a hater.
Did you watch this mess? Could you bring yourself to actually do it? Well, no matter! I am here to fearlessly take one for the team and recap this shiznit!
Lest you venture forth too quickly, I advise you to take a deep breath and center yourself. (Ohhhhhhmmmm) Because what went down on Little Women: LA Matt and Briana, Part 1, last night is not for the faint of heart – nor for the rational, emotionally balanced, mentally stable among us. Nay! It is for the delusional and the slow to learn, for those wretched souls who wander the planet screaming RIDE OR DIE in public urinals during the sunset of their lives. So, with that warning, let’s all climb in to this steaming garbage heap together, shall we?
At Villa Rosa the swans are primed for attack by the Most Wanted posters hung in the pond, and the mini horses are being tailed by Rumpy Pumpy who just can’t figure out what to do with these odd creatures, but Lisa Vanderpump knows that if she had to choose between Ken and the horses, Ken would be joining David Foster in Casa de Divorce. #LifeWithoutLyme
Just kidding! Ken is well-aware Lisa would never leave him – although he’s decided to pretend-adore mini horses just in case! After Ken brushes and grooms a mini horse, he trots over to Dr. Ourian’s office so Lisa can get her skin examined for melanoma. Or so Ken thinks… the real plan is to trick Ken into getting Botox!
Um, are we watching someone unravel right in front of our eyes? The first three minutes of last night’s Dance Moms Reunion was akin to watching Britney Spears’ epic meltdown circa 2006, except there wasn’t any head-shaving…yet (at least). Abby Lee Miller arrives extremely late–and braless–as the mothers wait patiently on the stage with this year’s host, Jai Rodriquez. As a huge Queer Eye fan, I’m glad to see he’s still around! I notice that Phil Collins was wise enough not to get to close to this debacle! Abby stumbles on stage, hair half up in hot rollers, much she like starts her day at the studio. Abby complains about her bra, pulling it outside of her shirt to show the appalled audience, as Melissa Gisoni rushes to her rescue. Jai quickly cuts to a group routine which is already prepped and ready to go.
Jai gushes over the season, and Abby seems to have regained some sense of composure. He inquires about the Ziegler girls’ exit, and Abby accuses Melissa of lying to her, the producers, director, and Lifetime’s legal team. Melissa counters that they all knew, and she followed the proper channels. As Abby rolls her eyes, Jai questions what rumors Abby has heard. She goes on a rampage about Maddie judging So You Think You Can Dance, dismissing the competition show and its decisions. Melissa’s blood is boiling but she’s not allowed to speak on Maddie’s next move. Jill tries to calm her friend. Jessalyn interjects to remind Abby that she cried for hours when she heard about Maddie and MacKenzie’s impending departure. Abby argues that she’s beyond happy for Maddie, but she wanted to part of the united front when announcing their new opportunities. The other moms recognize that Melissa was following the advice of her lawyer, but they feel slighted that she always accused them of lying or believing gossip when they would question her about the rumors that turned out to be true.
All aboard! Last week’s debut of Below Deck Mediterranean introduced us to a brand new cast (with the exception of chef Ben Robinson), and set the stage for semi-rough waters ahead. Last seen, chief stew Hannah Ferrier was schlepping all over the stunning Greek isle of Paros searching in vain for a Pittsburgh Steelers game. No, that is not a Mad Libs sentence – that is the sad, sad truth. Why is she on this fool’s errand? Because the trashy yacht guests demand it!
The question these charter guests may want to ask themselves is: selves, why have we traveled to the Greek Isles in the midst of football season? Especially if we’re swearing that we’ve “never missed a Steelers game” in our itty bitty lives? Alas, these questions aren’t the ones being asked. Instead, the guests turn their wrath on Hannah, who tells them they have no chance of finding a Steelers game on this island. Her last hope lies with Captain Mark Howard, who is still trying to get the game to stream on the ship. (This is literally what the guests/staff/captain are obsessed with? THEY ARE IN PARADISE!!! Pfffffffffftt…Steelers.)