So last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was, dare I say it, fun! And positive. I was clearly watching the wrong show. Or I fell into the Twilight Zone.
While Teresa Giudice and Poison are practicing their "I Feel" statements with Dr. V in the anti-psychotic chamber, the rest of the crew (with Caroline Manzonow in attendance!) is discussing Jacqueline Laurita. Yes, Teresa blames Jacqueline for the Mayan Calendar failing to drop a house on Melissa Gorga's head. And yes, Jacqueline blames Teresa for her spontaneous combustion which left nothing but some wine corks and a pile of old tweets on Chris' pillow.
So anyway, Jacqueline is here in spirit. Evil spirit!
After Dr. V convinces Teresa and Poison they need to like spend time together not arguing and everyone hugs, Melissa comes in. I was really confused about when Tammy Faye Baker was cast on RHONJ, but there she was sitting there with Dr. V and Poison tearing up and refusing to take responsibility for anything. Huh… OH – wait – that was just Teresa with the worst, most ridiculous eye makeup ever. Seriously, she is so much prettier without the crazy eyelashes and the bad weave.
So, last night was the big recital for Abby Lee Miller's studio, and while y'all deserve a better intro, I'm kind of baffled/saddened/confused about what happened on last night's Dance Moms. Let's just get on with the recap, shall we?
The girls are preparing for the ALDC annual dance concert. Abby allows her girls to be slightly thrilled for their group dance victory last week before announcing Paige as the bottom of the pyramid. She makes Paige share why she's at the bottom…and it's for a minute mistake in the group routine. Kelly is livid. Maddie gets praised for a costume mishap, and her daughter is the lowest of the low for coming out of a turn too soon. Kelly says as much, and Abby is irate. To make her point, she makes Maddie drop and give her twenty push-ups to "appease" Kelly. That is horrible. Kelly's beef is with Abby, not with Maddie, and it's sick to see how Abby tries make alienate Maddie from her peers.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was pretty boring. And by boring I mean tragic. And deafening. Gretchen Rossi tried to sing but she forgot to bring the big, pink plastic handbag holding her autotune with her. Oh the results were more tragic than a Made in Sweatshop plasticine Gretchen Christine handbag. Also plastic her face and now her lips. We'll discuss in a minute…
Moving on to other adventures in RHOC things, are still a mess betweenVicki Gunvalson and Brooks. And by a mess I mean Vicki's life and hair are sadly reflecting her inner life. Get a brush and comb things out. Seriously – get a smoothing serum too. And call Dr. V.
So let's begin… Gretchen has returned from Whistler and her friendship with Tamra Barney is as frozen and icy as her face. Did I mention her hair doesn't move either but it permanently looks wind swept? How? Mystery of science if I've ever seen one. Let's call Myth Busters!
Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta had everything you could ask for in a drama…romance, drugs, infidelity, the possibilty of prison, an unexpected proposal, and, of course, boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. VH1, you know what viewers want to see! #sarcasm #ican'tunseejoseline'sbathingsuit
Kirk Frost is livid over Rasheeda'smom's mini-van mayhem that ruined a palm tree and set his moped on fire (after running over it multiple times). He's willing to give his mother-in-law a pass, but had it been anyone else, he'd have come to blows. Oh yes, Kirk. You are so tough. Rasheeda reveals that she's already spoken to an attorney about filing for divorce, and Kirk actually seems surprised. He loves his wife and his family, and he's not all about those other women. He reminds her that she kicked him out, but she tells him she didn't tell him to go screw around…she was hoping he'd fight to stay in her life. Kirk is trying to skew Rasheeda's words to make his behavior at Benzino's cabin…and he's failing miserably.
Erica Dixon and Mimi Faust are commiserating about Lil' Scrappy and Stevie J. both use money for their daughters to keep the women indebted to them. Erica is sick of Momma Dee, and she's tired of Scrappy always taking his crazy mom's side. Mimi can relate…after all, the BMW Stevie bought for her definitely had strings attached. The women continue to share stories and discuss the wonders of a good boob job. It's perfectly normal conversation for the driving range!
This week, Mayte Garia frantically prepares to bring a baby into her home, Nicole Murphy enjoys a little too much tequila prior to giving a public speech, and Jessica Canseco continues to annoy Drea Kelly's face off. Oh, Sheree Fletcher also unpacks some boxes, and I can't help but to wonder how many people will change the channel this week.
Mayte has just days to prepare her house and fill it with baby stuff. Can you say overwhelming?! While shopping, she tries to focus on essentials only, but Nelly is easily distracted by the cutesy stuff. Pink hats, hand puppets, and pink booties! Oh my! Mayte demands that Nelly focus on important things only, saying, "I know what it's like to pack up baby clothes, and I don't want to do it again."
Ashlee's parents are away for the night. Ashlee reveals that she's hosting a sleepover in lieu of sleeping alone like a big girl. What, no nanny? Then, Ashlee's mom calls to check in, and the wretched troll complains about a mixed cheese tray. "I'm not serving mixed cheese – that's disgusting," she says. "Poor people mix things."
Ashlee's sleepover guests include Chanel and Amanda. The girls change into their sleep attire – footed jammies with a diaper flap for Ashlee, satin nightie for Chanel, and Frederick's of Hollywood for Amanda – and settle in for some wine, rich people cheese, and a game of Never Have I Ever. I swear, these women get more annoying every single week.
Things begin with a sauced up and (spray on hair'd up) Joe Gorga charging the brother-in-law who destroyed his life, Joe Giudice. These people are the living embodiment of a soap opera, only not as devious and calculating. Except for Melissa… So anyway, Poison charges at Juicy and unfortunately Juicy immediately drops him and begins punching him.
Poor Melissa Gorga leaps on top of Juicy to try and pry him away from her precious little husbanito. "Teresa, help your brother!" she screams.
Teresa Giudice is gonna help alright – girlfriend is grabbing her purse, hightailing it out of there, and telling the producers to call the cops. Fire up that party bus cause mama is fleeing the coop! Just kidding, a panicked Teresa bellows to someone to call the cops. Doesn't Juicy have enough felonies?! Do not call the cops, but do get the mace! Or at least some Fabellini to subdue these people.
Back inside fight club, it takes all of the remaining Gorgadice (and Wallpaper) family members to pry Juicy off of Poison. Or Poison off Juicy – I really couldn't tell who was up and who was down at that point, except Melissa, who was shrieking and scratching.
You know, I'd really been so sick of watching Candy Apples and comedian chatter that I was actually looking forward to having the old gang return on last night's Dance Moms…that was until I watched! I feel so horribly about how those poor girls are treated!
Abby Lee Miller is back in Pennsylvania, and she bragging all about judging Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. She chastises all the girls–well, except for Maddie, of course–who didn't come visit her while in Los Angeles, and she reminds her students that she has the attendance rosters so she knows who was slacking off and who was actually practicing. Christi explains that the moms (minus Melissa, obviously) made a pact not to send their girls to the West Coast competition.