RHOA Recap

Kim Fields' Beatless Brunch

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta the ladies were supposed to remove their makeup to reveal the natural beauty underneath. Perhaps realizing they actually don’t have any of that quality stuff, everyone kept their false eyelashes firmly adhered and batted their eyes shadily. 

Kim Fields is starting to getting into the groove of the group, although they still scare the bejesus out of her with their non-mom lives of Louboutins, Louis, and liquored-up shade. Kim decides to put everyone on the an equal playing field, or maybe get to know them better as people, by hosting something she dubs a “Beatless Brunch.” Everybody knows the ladies of Atlanta rarely beat around the bush! 

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NeNe Leakes returns on RHOA

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, several of the ladies, led by Phaedra Parks, traveled to Washington DC to celebrate the anniversary of the Million Man March, while other ladies remained in Atlanta receiving million dollar guests.

Ayden helps Phaedra pack for the trip, which will involve meeting with several congress members, including Florida representative Frederica Wilson, whose organization inspired Phaedra’s newfound passion, Saving Our Sons.

Kim Fields, along with her two sons, Porsha Williams, her two thot-ful daughters Coco and Chanel, and Sheree Whitfield (plus the now adult Kairo!) will also be attending.

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Phaedra Parks

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta complicated relationships were confronted with some surprising results. Most upsetting was watching Kenya Moore be rejected by her mother Patricia. It was as unnerving as watching Carrie, you just knew was was gonna happen, you felt it – the impending cruelty and betrayal, but you kept hoping you were wrong. 

Kandi Burruss is baby shopping with Mama Joyce who suddenly loves everyone – even Todd! Even Phaedra Parks! Now Mama Joyce wants to be a “granny with a nanny” and put a nursery for Ace at her house, so she can be very involved. Mama Joyce is always up to something… I don’t trust that lady as far as I could throw her. Kandi seems dubious as well, but she knows better than to poke a tiger! 

Mama Joyce has decided Kandi and Phaedra need to fix their friendship, so she volunteers to pay Phaedra a little a visit. Kandi doesn’t think it’s a good idea and nervously laughs off the suggestion. 

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Porsha and Kandi argue over Phaedra on RHOA

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta peaches stones were thrown and hands hidden. So what is the deal with Kandi Burruss and Phaedra Parks? They keep claiming they want to repair their friendship, yet their actions say otherwise! 

Over at Kandi Koated Kattiness Factory, Shamea Morton arrives with her Firkin tail between her legs after being caught by Don Juan gossiping at the video release party. Don Juan and Carmon stand watch while Shamea tries to explain what happened. Like no one was talking loud enough for so-called ‘bloggers’ to overhear their conversation until Don Juan inserted his extra fried crispy into the mess. 

Don Juan cannot accept this. Don Juan has his Diva Cup inserted deep, spouts off about Porsha Williams being so stupid she doesn’t know what gossip is. Oh, I think that may be one of the only things Porsha does know! 

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Kandi Unnecessary Trouble

Coming off my post-Christmas slump to deal with Real Housewives Of Atlanta makes me a bit cranky. Now I don’t know about y’all but I really don’t care if Phaedra Parks owes Todd Tucker money. I’d rather talk about Kandi Burruss rocking the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of over-the-knee sequined boots at 6 months pregnant. And I’d also like to discuss Kenya Moore‘s latest fake-a-date. 

Kenya and Marlo Hampton hit the gym because this is totally 2000 and that’s where you meet men. Or cows. But not poopers. They’re playing with balls when James walks over to flirt with Kenya. James checks some of Kenya’s boxes: Tall, handsome, fit – but he’s too young and is but a mere personal trainer. They have a totally awkward, phony flirtation that results in a date. I was distracted by James smiling with his lip over his teeth and was waiting for them to expose scary teeth. But they weren’t scary at all. 

Later Kenya and James meet to play basketball. Kenya wears a baby blue outfit to send subliminal hints that say, “Sperm donor.” Kenya isn’t sure if she wants a second date with James because he’s too young (and seriously this date was more awkward than one of those stupid male model photoshoots they always force upon America’s Next Top Model contestants), but she’d totally turkey baste him in an alley, y’all! 

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RHOA in Miami

Honestly I don’t know what to say about last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Sorry this is late by the way – I was re-playing the ‘Glen Gets Slammed Into The Wall’ scene on repeat until dawn. 

Somewhere Glen Rice Jr. turned to the very dark side. Either he’s a drunk, rude, out of control jerk; or he’s a rude, out of control jerk, but alcohol (+ Kenya Moore?) made things worse! 

I think we can ALL agree we’re not getting the whole story from Bravo. Based on the women’s reactions, Glen’s 0-60 psychosis, plus the 3 mobile refrigerator units that appeared out of nowhere to practice their sumo skills on Glen and living room wall, I’d say some serious SERIOUS information got lost on the editing floor. Right next to Porsha Williams‘ couth, dignity, and trophy wife status! (Did she REALLY admit to a golden shower on television last night? Really?!) 

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RHOA in Miami

Well, Real Housewives Of Miami may have been boring, but bringing the Real Housewives Of Atlanta to Miami rarely is! 

In a bizarre twist of well, everything Real Housewives Of Atlanta has stood for these long seasons, Kenya Moore and Porsha Williams planned the trip together. As co-conspirators. 

The fight on the boat was a reality check for these two, so despite their constant animosity, Kenya and Porsha decided to come together to plan a re-do of Cynthia Bailey‘s redone bachelorette party. Or whatever because Cynthia and Peachter are just great now. So uh… congrats! 

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Cynthia and Porsha brawl on RHOA boat trip

Well, as you know, no classy boat ride around Lake Lanier is complete without two squalling Real Housewives Of Atlanta! It’s basically a ‘What To Pack For Your Boat Cruise’ Essential – following sunscreen, and before AfterBurn Aloe. 

Yeah, I don’t know who escalated Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams‘ fight, but one thing I do know is that I’m super, ultra relieved it doesn’t appear the fallout will drag on all season, and into the next, and into the next, and into the next until I contemplate throwing them both overboard into Lake Lanier, Atlanta’s unofficial morgue, without a lifejacket, so they are stuck fending for themselves amid the ghosts. Well, at least Phaedra Parks said there were ghosts in that lake. 

Anyway, to briefly recap Fight Float, there are “fake as f–k” women causing “fake as f–k fights,” there are fingers in faces, then fingers being grabbed, there is Porsha starting to stand-straddle? (adjusting her position?) – I don’t know – over Cynthia’s lawn chair. Then all of the sudden Cynthia kicks Porsha in the crotchal region! Shocking, yes. But I was mostly relieved no one’s pants burst because, holy crap, I would not be getting all acrobatic and ‘Hi-Yah! Housewives’ in pants that tight!

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