Season 7 of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta has come to an end – now we just have to get through the reunion. Can we? Yes, we can… with vodka. As they say: Life Twirls On… and so does the drama!
NeNe Leakes is in NYC for her debut in Broadway’s Cinderella. She’s got Michael Jackson’s sequined underwear on her head as a hat. Is it better or worse than the wig she’s got on underneath? With rehearsals ending, NeNe walks on the Broadway stage for the first time and is spellbound.
NeNe tosses her sequined-granny panties in the air and spins – not twirls – because she made it after all – away from the little town of Athens, away from the stripper pole, away from Wigs-N-Cigs and Krayonce, and onto the Great White Way where it is ALL. About. NeNe. The fans, the name in lights, the billboards on Times Square – all about NeNe. Those other people standing on stage with her? Mere extras in the giant production of life that is NeNe Leakes: The Impressive Adventures of Success As Told By Success Herself: Blooperella! NeNe admits she’s nervous.
NeNe does recognize she can’t run off stage if things don’t go her way, right?
So when Claudia Jordan was bragging about “doing the work,” I assume she meant to keep her job on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, because that’s the only reason to start drama at a charity event, right? Miss Peace & Positivity of Walmart got janky with NeNe Leakes over a chafing dish of asparagus and Lord she is lucky that NayNay was locked in the Escalade because otherwise that hollandaise would have been all over Claudia’s wig for days!
The ladies have returned from the Philippines and everyone’s like LOOOOOVE! LIIIIIIGHT! We get along! We’re FRIIIIIENDS. Kinda. Until NeNe enters the picture and someone is in the position to get in her face with a pair of chicken tongs! If you had tried that with Kandi Burruss she would have just taken a bite!
Phaedra Parks is hosting a Save Our Sons (S.O.S.) luncheon event which will bring fatherless boys together with successful black men. Everyone is getting along (and Phaedra Parks, Esq. will sue your fake-ass if you cause drama), so all of the ladies are invited. There must have been a dress code imposed because Porsha Williams left her Princess of THOTland ensembles at home – no need to resuscitate anyone in the middle of Arlen Griffin’s speech!
The girls are still in Manila at the uber 5-star peace and progress drama rehab. It’s minutes before they’re supposed to check out but Kenya is still soaking up that last 5 minutes of attention whoring (see what I did there?! LOL) by wandering around the pool in a bikini showing her butt crack to maximum Maxim. What was it Krayonce was screaming about coochie and butt crack? Anyway — that’s all in the past – she wants us to conveniently forget all of her past indiscretions. Hey I will, I want to, let’s move ON! However, if Kenya wants to show Porsha Williams that while she is the one dressed like a THOT on instagram, Kenya was a THOT of the oldschool on such magazines as STUFF and FHM, I’ll go along.
Kenya twirls back to her suite, escorting Claudia Jordan and Cynthia Bailey, the smoke in her tilt-a-twirl’s line of fire. There they discuss the marvel of Phaedra finally talking to Kenya! Claudia secret-smiles over how amazing she is for bringing peace to the group, then our simpering sycophant tells Kenya how much she deserves the apology for all she has put-up with. OK, seriously?
The ladies show up at the airport in good spirits. Porsha Williams had more Louis Vuitton luggage than she has brain cells and negotiating the luggage carousel in heels was like the second coming of Sheneneh. Porsha must look cute because she may meet her future married African sugar daddy husband at the airport! All the single men would rather endure an endless TSA security checkpoint, than deal with PoorTaste – or her baggage!
Upon arriving at the airport Phaedra Parks hid in her limo cause ‘a Krayonce was ‘a comin! She’s been on RHOA trips before… Despite Claudia’s protestations that the Philippines will be positive vibes, Phaedra declares these women would argue even at the second coming of Christ. Of course they would – because Lord knows all of ’em ain’t getting into heaven!
NeNe Leakes has left the building! And some real-ish therapy happened on Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well, as real as you’re gonna get from 4 broads whose occupations are Shadeologists (degree available online at Shade U, an akkredited university), and one broad whose occupation is Denialologist, degree available at MamaJoyce Be Your Guide.com. Oh, and NeNe, well she kept it real NeNe – all the problems aren’t her fault, and Dr. Jeff shouldn’t be allowing everyone to “dump” them in her lap on a plate from the buffet. Well Kandi Burruss would still eat it!
Therapy is in progress when NeNe up and flees, toting two Birkins filled with her emotional baggage. Dr. Jeff, the yappy Pomeranian on her heels, begs her to return. NeNe’s glowing red transformer eyes accuse him of allowing everyone to blame her for all the issues. It was a conspiracy! The entire first part of the session, was all NeNe, all times. Usually she likes that sort of thing but not when she’s being told what she doesn’t want to hear!
Dr. Jeff tries to appease NeNe by reminding her that she has so much to contribute. In response NeNe snaps, “You should lose your license!” Dr. Jeff follows NeNe out to her car, counseling her about anger taking her to dark places… She uses all of her self-restraint not to poke his eyes out, then commands the guards to haul him away and throw him in the viper pit.
Phaedra Parks visits Porsha Williams for dinner at Casa de Eviction 3.0 way out in Africa. Porsha opens some bags of frozen stuff and was struggling with the scissors… too bad Claudia Jordan‘s snaggletoes weren’t there to help a sister out!
Porsha is wearing a collar with chain around her neck because she’s a kept-woman chained to the stove? Isn’t Phaedra the one playing 50 Shades of African Chocolate?
Real Housewives Of Atlanta‘s “Chocolate Tales” have taken on Willy Wonkian-proportions. Apparently no one fact checked their golden ticket to drama before dipping a toe into the chocolate river. Are Housewives required the same due-diligence as researchers when regarding inner-personal matters of distorted rumors? Can one rely on Apollo for any sort of “evidence” – particularly in regards to “texes.” Never fear – Dr. NeNe Leakes has the cure!
According to Cynthia, she simply brought up the affair situation because they were having a group “conversation” and she wanted to know if it was true. If Phaedra is involved with Prince Chocolatier from the ChocAfrica, she should have just admitted it! Cause they would all be so accepting and supportive, uh-huh.
Claudia Jordan has hit-up Rent-A-Center and finally got some furniture, but that’s still not enough to make this girl happy! She cries to Kenya Mooreand Cynthia Bailey that she feels like it’s high school all over again where she is being bullied for being biracial and everyone expects her to just laugh it off.
Clawdia is so sad and blue because Porsha Williams won’t let her sit at the popular lunch table! Man – Porsha has some power, she’s ruining an African’s marriage with her cooch and she’s ruining Claudia’s job because she won’t do happy hours.
Claudia says she’s tried her hardest to be civil and supportive of Porsha, except for that time she called her a prostitute and that time she showed up at her work party to start an argument with her. Kenya tut-tuts about how shameful it is that women can’t support each other. I mean, it is soooo hard to work all day, get up at 5:30 am, and not have a married African pay your bills!