Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of Atlanta, and things are all a’crazy in the great big blender of Bravo. First of all NeNe Leakes has made her triumphant return to claim her crown has the queen of the peaches. That’s what she thinks anyway. Also, Kenya Moore is FINALLY married. Hallelujah – Jesus exists.
Phaedra Parks is sadly no longer with us after she threw herself a Phuneral By Phaedra with her epic lie about Kandi Burruss last season. Which means Porsha Williams is allllll by her-seeeelf. No Frick, only Frack. Just a girl and her Hennessey and the menz will soon follow, or something!
Kandi continues her quest for world domination with fried chicken. And like fried chicken, everybody wants a piece of Kandi! Her life has become like one of Aunt Bertha‘s sweet potato pies – cut in a million different slices with no one getting a big enough slice. The OLG Restaurant is going great – so long as Kandi is there. Apparently no one is visiting for a Mama Joyce sighting – or they’re afraid she’ll spit in their food.
Phaedra guffawed that she needs to hook up a lie detector test up to some vaginal lips – and isn’t that so ironic?! Girl… you need one here, down there, and everywhere… from your tiny baby toe, to your eyebrow!
Hand me some smelling salts, cause I have the vapors after part 4 of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well all knew it was coming, but somehow seeing Phaedra Parks expose herself as a bonafide liar and a fraud of the sort that even surpasses Housewives nastiness was still a shock! And I don’t even know what to call her, an emotionless vessel of shade that has reached its sell-by date, but that nonsense went TOO FAR! Actually it went beyond crossing the line into crossing the galaxy.
There we all are, sitting on the reunion stage in our sparkly dresses, with our hair all puffed up, and our smirks frozen into irritated condescension, our voices permanently poised at a register for battle and self-defense, when out PorshaWilliams came out with the revelation Phaedra is the one who told her of Kandi Burruss‘ alleged plan to drug and rape her one fateful night. Phaedra related that she heard this information this directly from the Kandi Factory – more specifically from Kandi’s mouth.
Since this was no word on the street, Porsha decided it was believable, and “asked” Kandi about it in front of millions, then spent months defending herself against accusations that she’s a liar.
And of course, tacked onto the very tail end was the astounding revelation that, for some God-forsaken reason, Jesus, or possibly the devil put it into Phaedra Parks‘ prayer cloth that she should start a totally baseless rumor that Kandi Burruss is a secret lesbian menage-a-trois stalker who plotted to drug and rape Porsha Williams. Yep – fun times in libel-land from everybody’s favorite lawless lawyer!
Apparently earlier this year, Phaedra told poor, innocent, unsuspecting (Ha!) Porsha this lurid tale, then sat back on her donkey booty through the entire season to watch as Porsha defended herself and kept Phaedra’s confidences. And never, ever, not once, did Phaedra utter a word that it was SHE who started this rumor about Kandi. I’m sure Phaedra will handily dismiss it as “shade,” or something she heard ‘on the streets,’ then swat it away with her handbag, give herself a spritz of holy water then waltz into the church pew for some restoration. Except honey-butt: NO – you have burned the place down. Call Willie Watkins and fire up the band cause this big, ole fraudulent lie was your Phuneral By Phaedra!
What can be said about the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion except that everyone hates each other? In Part 2, Andy Cohen put on his “compassion” mask, to make faces more concerned than usual, because the main topic was relationships. And on this show ain’t none of them going well!
My favorite thing was learning that Phaedra’s middle name is “Creonta!” GIRL, hi! Actually Girl HEEEELLLLOOO! What a name?! And then Phaedra names her sons Dylan and Ayden – like the two most normal little boy names ever? HA.
Part one of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta began with a preclude of the explosive drama at the end … which left me feeling like ‘yada, yada, yada… ‘ about everything else and wishing I could fast forward through the “Many Wigs Of Phaedra Parks” to just get to the crying, sobbing, hysterical meltdowns. In the meantime everybody is “sitting on ready” as they bicker about African princes, Apollo and Kenya Moore, and My Mansion’s better than your mansion…
Haven’t we already talked about all of this? Does time stand still in RHOA land?
AnywayAndy Cohen stuffed our Easter Baskets with golden eggs from rich Africans, construction refuge from Moore Manor and Chateau Sheree, and the easter grass was shredded legal documents. And just to be clear Porsha Williams reunion look is channeling Halle Berry, not Kandi Burruss circa season 2.
Last night was the season finale of a very, well, bizarre season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Thankfully we didn’t relive Lesbian-Gate – we’re saving that for the reunion – but we did witness the official end of Phaedra Parks and Kandi Burruss‘ friendship. Something else happened… Something big, I think… Oh what was it? Hmmmm… OH! Chateau Sheree. Yep, it’s up and running. Almost.
Let’s be honest – the only thing any of us remember from last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta is that Apollo Nida‘s prison fiancé Sherien Almufti appeared at the opening of the OLG Restaurant – and she’s everything a villainess side-chick should be. The worst (or maybe best) is that Phaedra Parks conveniently wasn’t even there to see her!
But first all the drama that came before.Kandi Burruss and Todd Tucker – two control-freaks don’t make a restaurant! The OLG Restaurant is weeks away from officially opening and $100,000 over-budget, but Todd will not accept any help. He is the little man that could … and with his big forehead he thinks he can sneak traffic cone orange chairs right under Kandi’s nose. She is not impressed by his Todd: Party Of One attitude.
Case in point, Todd refuses to allow Don Juan or Carmon to help make decisions, even though there are no uniforms and the logo hasn’t been finalized with less than 24 hours before their soft opening for friends, family and television cameras. And don’t even get Kandi started on how the floor is so dusty it looks like it belongs inside Chateau Sheree!