I'm just going to put this out there – and y'all can slam me in the comments, freak out and call me biased, blow up my inbox with complaints, whatever – but taking a cue from the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County, I'm about to be a megabitch and I don't care. So here it is: I cannot stand Gretchen Rossi. Not for one. more. minute. It feels so good to get that off my chest!
I've often felt that all the Real Housewives, no matter how obnoxious and annoying have some redeeming benefits. For instance, I find Tamra Barney largely repulsive, but she's often funny and when she sets aside her jealousies, she can be a lot of fun.
Vicki Gunvalson is self-absorbed, neurotic, and annoying but she has a good heart underneath it all – we all know this – and she's never afraid to put her crazy out there to be judged and dissected, which I can respect. Alexis Bellino is dumb as a box of Dyeables shoes and equally as tacky, but she's also a nice woman who genuinely seems to care about her friends and family, plus she's always doing something goofball enough to laugh at.
On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County we met new girl Lydia McLaughlin. Lydia's kinda like Rainbow Bright on acid, isn't she? She also sort of looks like a Bratz doll. She was bringing all my 1990's childhood cartoon flashbacks to life with her little squeakerton voice and her goofball expressions. Whatever – I fully expect her to go SheRah Princess of Power on these bitches before the season's over. Watch it blondies!
Things begin, oh where did they begin? With all the bad dye jobs and bad plastic surgery blurring together sometimes I lose track of where things even started. And speaking of plastic surgery things began with Vicki Gunvalson and Alexis Bellino. She and Vicki are BFF now since everyone hates their significant others and what better way is there to bond, I s'pose? I mean it worked for Alexis and Gretchen Rossi for two seasons, so Vicki picked up where Gretchen participated in a gang intervention. And girls who share plastic surgeons together, stay together!
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County bad behavior along with Vicki Gunvalson's swollen face and insane hair continued to haunt us. She got allll that work done on her face and she couldn't throw in a keratin treatment to deep condition that straw weave she had attached to her head? Dyed-N-Fried.
With all the renovations and double-dealing and lies and dastardly deeds and attention seeking manipulation plots she was accused of, Vicki didn't have time to get her nose done AND her hair. To think all this time I thought she was just a neurotic insurance salesperson. No rest for the wicked, eh?
We resume at Heather Dubrow's glambake. Heather instructs Tamra Barney on how to eat a lobster. Of course since Tamra is saltier than lobster brine she has to make a sex joke out of Heather's instructions when she says to bite on the lobster leg until it "comes in your mouth." Tamra brays across the table like a donkey with a bullhorn about how FANCY PANTS MADE A SEX JOKE. Why doesn't she just wear a sign that says: 'I'm desperate for attention and have no manners!'
Discreetly Heather crosses Tamra's name off the future invites list. Vicki may look like a mutant person with the face of Bride of Frankenstein but at least she talks quietly and uses inside voices at Heather's!
So Vicki Gunvalson has a new mantra – she's renovating, renovating, renovating! Renovating herself, her house, her attitude, her entire face! After seven long seasons she's grown weary of being called Miss Piggy and she's grown weary of being the butt of a zillion jokes. She tossed Brooks Ayers to the curb with a sack full of Hallmark cards and hightailed it Dr. Niccole's office where she got a nose job, some fat injections, and a chin implant. Chinplat 2.0! It's pretty hard to tell what she's going to look like as she's in the settling in phases, which means she looks a little shiny and wonky and lopsided, but um… I'll withhold judgment for now.
I will not withhold judgment over Vicki's eyelashes. What were those things? Pipe cleaners? Spider legs? They were the worse false lashes I've ever seen. They must be from the Gretchen Christine Bootay Collection.
Vicki shares that Briana and her husband Ryan have moved in and any day now Vicki will become a grandmother. To prepare for all the changes she has her assistant over to play some kind of drinking game that involves moving furniture while chugging wine. Every time you bang the sofa into the wall you drink or something. ahahahahah! New nose, new living room, same old wino!
Sometimes you see things on TV that are straight up embarrassing. Case in point: The ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County on last night’s reunion. I may just go ahead on record and call this the most vitriolic reunion ever. Am I crazy?
Some things should be kept private – or at least off camera – but never underestimate the power of a desperate and delusional blonde!
Tmara Barney and Gretchen Rossi continued their reign as the over-the-hill trainwreck Barbies – and both their weaves had to come from the Barbie Comes To Life Wig Collection, sold exclusively in the Sunday morning coupon section of your local newspaper.
I assumed Heather Dubrow was brought on to inject a dose of class into this mess? Mission failed.
Reunions often descend into a contest of who is the worst of the bunch. And this one was no exception. When the level of vitriol reaches the extreme harpy stage – it’s time to recast. We’re waiting, Andy Cohen…
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County no one redeemed themselves or came across as a grown woman. Does it ever happen that way? Gretchen Rossi and Tamra Barney are took their Over-The-Hill Barbie act on the road and switched hair for the day. I think Tamra got her wig from the Dolly Parton synthetic collection on QVC. They also wore the same color dress. Was it an act of solidarity?
Whomever did Tamra‘s make up should be fired, because she looked 55 trying to look 45. Not cute.
Also, what was up with Heather Dubrow‘s eyebrows? Girl, the botox needs to stop and don’t try to play it off as a tweezer malfunction. We know you had unsupervised alone time with Terry’s botox collection after a couple glasses of wine. Besides, don’t rich girls wax, not tweeze?
I also have to comment on Heather‘s country music star circa 1994 hair. This is a good lesson – do not let Gretchen style your hair, ladies! Or choose your dress.
Deep in the middle of Real Housewives of Orange County, it was a beautiful clear night overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It could have been the setting from a movie, but instead it was real-ish life. And from Heather Dubrow‘s palatial lawn stars dotted the sky of what should have been a perfect evening. Sadly, an evil eye had befallen the enchanted party and instead of an evening of friendship, love and celebration – it was one recriminations, accusations, and petty slights.
‘Perhaps the drinks flowed too abundantly?’ Heather thought to herself. ‘Perhaps I was too liberal with the invitations?’ she pondered. But then she remembered, she had sold her soul; let it all slip away and now Bravo owned her – they owned her home, her celebrations, and even her name. Well, at least for next couple years. Oh, well might as well make the best of it. Champs for all!
Last week there were issues over a bow. Some loose ends were left untied and Sarah Winterchester, the faux-heiress (who left her holler for the wilds of Orange County), was being shown the door at this exclusive party. Sarah began to realize the Xanax in her purse was a bad idea (OK, I made that part up). Also a bad idea – letting herself be talked into attending a party where she was out of her element, nervous as hell, and wearing the dress she bought at the adult superstore on Sunset. All in all, mistakes were made and she would suffer for them. One can escape the trailer park, but never really escape the trailer park. Just ask Tamra!
Oh Real Housewives of Orange County – it’s almost time for us to part ways, but not before some magnificent drama. Oh, yes last night’s episode. Oh it was a silly bit of fun. Princess Thespian of All Times Heather Dubrow had a re-naming party which is not at all like a wedding, except it took the same precedence as a wedding in her mind.
And because it was the all-important end of the season cast party when Bravo makes everyone put on their mankiest fur coats and truck out to some godforsaken themed event, everyone was there. Like even the ones that aren’t really there, if you catch my drift.
But before we get to that little shin-dig, we have to wade through the rest of this episode. Things start out with Tamra Barney meeting Heather andGretchen Rossi for drinks cause she has a very special announcement. Tammie Sue is gettin’ married for the very third time.
Oh, Tammie – I love your optimism. This ones really gonna work isn’t it? This is like a Lifetime movie. Did I mention that I am totally obsessed in a big huge way with Lifetime – cause I am. And before you ask – yes, I watched Blue Lagoon.