Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Super Sluts, C*cks, and Those Sunglasses Cost How Much?!

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we met newbie Dana Wilkey who is very … well, ok she is tacky. Adrienne threw a Bar-B-Que for the ladies which also ended up being tacky thanks to Brandi – who is still having issues with Kyle. Lisa provided CNN with coverage of The Royal Wedding and Kim added to the speculation that she may have some substance abuse issues.

Kyle and Taylor are headed to Dana’s house for lunch. Dana and Taylor met while a nine-months pregnant Dana was driving a Lamborghini. Dana answers the door wearing a tiara. And a hooker pagent dress. Seriously, she looked like a busted up Miss America, with fake boobs up to her eyebrows. As Dolly Parton said: “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap!” Taylor describes Dana as liking things over the top. She seems nice, but desperate. And she gives me a grifter vibe. Maybe it’s her friendship with Taylorexic?


Dana is planning her wedding, which involves 40K earrings and a French castle. It’s like the wealthy version of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding! She is in the middle of choosing jewelry for the affair and I swear Scarlett O’Hara’s curtain dress was on a mannequin in the background. While they wait Kyle peruses Dana’s son’s headshots that are prominently piled on the entry table. And speaking of Dana’s son, at 18 months he reads, and speaks Thai, and does Pilates, and solves Rubiks Cubes blindfolded, and swims with sharks, and does Trigonometry! Oh, yeah, Kyle challenges, Portia walked out of the delivery room! I loved that Kyle BS-ed the BS-er!

When Dana comes to the table for lunch she has changed from “here comes the boobs” (as Kyle put it) to mom clothes. Dana admits she needs some help in the fashion department.

At Villa Blanca, Lisa meets with Bette, Kim and Kyle’s manager. CNN wants Lisa to provide coverage of The Royal Wedding. Since Lisa has just eaten dinner with the ever-so-classy, Duchess of York, she’s puuurfeckt, dahling! Oh Lisa, don’t go all Sonja Morgan name dropey on me!

Paul arrives home from work to discover two things 1) Jackpot pooped in his closet again (hehe) and 2) Adrienne is throwing a lavish Bar-B-Que. You know, I really do think they enjoy each other and have fun bickering. Lisa reveals she will be unable to attend due to her commitment to CNN. Adrienne finds it puzzling that Lisa was chosen as the arbiter of class by CNN. Don’t they know she allowed her dog to drink from Adrienne’s good crystal during a formal dinner party? While I do think that is déclassé, it is no more so than having a full-on argument with your husband at the dinner table – particularly when you are the hosts of said party!

Taylor and Brandi meet for a drink to discuss their marital and divorce woes. Taylor and Brandi have lots in common, like: children, marital issues, and bad plastic surgery. Oh, and they are both extremely thin because they are on the “divorce diet”.

Brandi reveals that Eddie Cibrian cheated on her throughout her entire marriage until he ultimately left her for LeAnn Rimes,who he is actually marrying on this very day! Ouch! Taylor confesses that she is in marriage counseling and not handling it well. The ladies talk divorce proceedings and Taylor, that crafty little fibber that she is, insists with a wide-eyed, I’m so innocent, poor, widdle me stare, that she could never, ever fight Russell for everything he has ‘cause she’s just not that type of girl. O, rly?

At Kim’s, she is cleaning house while her housekeeper watches. As she dusts the many photos of her children, she tells stories to her cleaning lady about her kids. The housekeeper keeps repeating “that’s cute” unenthusiastically. Kim is lonely in her big house with her kids grown-up and gone. She admits to having a very tough time after last season, but took some time to focus on herself and is in a much better place now. Is that code for “went to rehab”?

Kyle and Mauricio are joining Lisa and Ken for dinner at Villa Blanca. Kyle admits there has been tension between her and Lisa since Adrienne’s dinner party where she exchanged words with Ken in Taylor’s defense. Kyle let’s everyone know lunch at Dana’s was mega-awkward and Dana, who Ken described as “the chubby one,” might be more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal! Mauricio wonders if Dana is confusing babbling with Thai and I wonder if Dana is confusing reality with an acid trip.

I think Dana decided to tell people her son speaks Thai because so few people speak the language and wouldn’t know if he was speaking it or not! Crafty, that one.

Kyle gives Lisa a little lecture on how to be a better fake friend to Taylor, but Lisa is not having it. Why should she be attacked for having suspicions about Taylor? Lisa is also confused why none of Taylor’s so-called “real” friends are addressing her obvious eating issues, to which Kyle responds they can’t force her to eat anymore than they can force an addict to stop abusing.

On the day of Adrienne’s Bar-B-Que, she is wearing a very scary jumpsuit, while ordering the chef to prepare tons of food for a yard full of women on perma-diets and a bunch of little kids. She also does not want the gold tipped champagne flutes used – obviously! Um… plastic cups, anyone? After noticing there are only two bottles of wine, she is shocked her sommelier would presume that is enough to satisfy a party of lushes and reminds him they have a wine cellar. Duh!

Camille and Brandi bond over the whole being married to a celebrity, who publicly cheated on you and married someone else immediately after leaving you, thing. As Brandi put it, Camille went through the A-list version of her divorce. Camille is still feeling shy about dating, but Brandi warns there is only a short window of hotness left!

Dana arrives wearing some lovely yellow Umbros-looking shorts and 25K sunglasses. I don’t even think Elton John would spend that much on sunglasses! Talk of the sunglasses takes over the party – I can’t believe she is letting people try them on! I’d have them chained to my face! Every time Dana receives a compliment on her glasses she informs the person of the price. Dana admits she has some insecurity issues – is it insecure or insignificant, Dana?

According to Camille, people with real money don’t brag about it. They don’t miss 9 houses or whatever who was the snobbiest of the snobby last season? A very un-snobby Camille and Taylor hop on the trampoline and Taylor shows off her Shanna Hughes cheerleading skills. I am loving this new laid-back, fun Camille. She seems to appreciate life so much more!

Brandi observes her son taking off his clothes, as he gets out of the pool, and then peeing on the grass. Kyle is shocked, but Brandi is relieved he didn’t pee in the pool! So she just turns back to her glass of wine! Kyle wonders why Brandi wouldn’t inform her son that whipping out the peen at a party is a no-no? Parenting 101, anyone?

Don’t worry Kyle, Brandi’s not afraid to talk penis, she’s just not that interested in parenting! She has other stuff to do, like ummm… guzzle wine in the middle of the afternoon and talk to the press! They hound her.

Adrienne is about to serve lunch, but Kim hasn’t arrived even though she said she was coming. She is also not answering her phone. Do you think she had another black out (double-entendre intended)? Kyle calls her and Kim explains since she couldn’t bring any of her kids she felt awkward coming. Kyle, Adrienne, and Farrah all think something else is going on and Kyle is concerned, but she is trying to take a step back from Kim’s life.

Kyle tells Kim to call Adrienne and explain why she bailed on the party after promising to attend. While Kyle is handling the Kim drama, Dana is experiencing some drama of her own! Super baby is spilling water from the wading pool onto Adrienne’s grass and she is really worried the water will ruin the grass… Yes, Dana was worried about water getting on the lawn. Why wasn’t she telling him to stop in Thai? Then maybe he’d respond.

Lisa is preparing for CNN and experiencing difficulty attaching her weave. Luckily son, Max is on hair to install the tracks – except he doesn’t now what he is doing either. Arriving at the studio, Lisa is still dissatisfied with her hair and she insists on messing with it herself while Ken styles Giggy. Lisa commandeers Dr. Drew and inquires if she can borrow some of his many Twitter followers. She’s never seen his Twitter, but she’s heard it’s rather large, if you know what I mean.

Although Lisa was worried about appearing live, things went swimmingly. I hope she doesn’t ask Ken what he thought of he performance, because he fell asleep! Hehe

At Adrienne’s everyone is worried that Taylor has not eaten lunch. Brandi drops the little bomb that Taylor is on the “divorce diet.” Prompting a collective: “What divorce?” from the ladies. They thought she was on the ‘Let’s Fix This Marriage, I Need The Money’ Diet! Dana decides to solve the problem the old fashioned way and ask Taylor if she ate lunch? And yep, she did. Well, she says she did, but she says a lot of things!

Dana insists Taylor eats all the time in front of her, but she gets fat and Taylor doesn’t. Maybe Taylor looks at the food and you eat both portions, Dana? Ok, is anyone else kind of liking Dana – she’s a wild one, but sort of fun! Bitter Barbie Kyle, snips that since she’s happily married no one cares what she’s eating. I care Kyle, please put your food journal on your Bravo Blog so we can all comment on your dieting successes.

Kyle asks about Dana’s wedding, specifically why Dana is waiting so long to have it? Dana wants to have the biggest wedding in the world. And she will not be outdone by some stupid old British Royals and their fancy Buckingham Palace, so she is renting out her own castle. Oh, boy… Camille is a little perturbed – does Dana really think she is a princess?

Talk turns to husbands and Camille reveals a little something her mama taught her: “Big hands, big feet, big disappointment.” And sadly she personally experienced it. The happily married Kyle doesn’t get it – what’s the big disappointment? Brandi succinctly and bawdily informs her it’s a “cock.” You would have thought Brandi confessed to murdering someone, the way these ladies were reacting to the little ol’ c_ck word!

Kyle thinks Brandi is tacky. Obviously sensing that the women are a little uncomfortable with her, Brandi points out that she isn’t a “super slut”. Maybe just a regular slut? Kidding! Kyle suggests that Brandi may be “projecting, much” and that no one thought she was slutty until she herself put the ideas in their heads! Are we sure these people are adults?

Brandi comments that none of the women seem to like her since she is noticing a lot of eye rolls. According to Kyle, her language is the problem and she is saying eye roll worthy things. Taylor, I noticed, didn’t bother to defend her new buddy at all and instead parroted everything HBIC Kyle said.

And speaking of eye rolls, Brandi gets a big one when she suggests Dana’s finance, who travels often for work, may have some women on the side! Dana, who was minutes earlier sticking up for Brandi, instantly jumps into defense mode, perhaps over-defense mode. I’m thinking Brandi had a little too much pinot or something. After Brandi pretty much ruined Adrienne’s party with her uncouth behavior, Adrienne acknowledges we all say things we regret sometimes. I bet she’s thinking Giggy drinking from a crystal goblet isn’t nearly as bad as cock-talk and assignations about cheating fiancés!

Next week: Kyle and Adrienne discuss Kim’s odd behavior. Dana hosts a game night, which apparently turns into a Kim-bashing night as she spends the majority of it in the ladies’ room.

WWHL: On Watch What Happens Live, Wendy McLendon-Covey and Kyle are the guests. Wendy is also auditioning for Real Housewives: “I made my own jewelry and I wrote a single about it. I play by my own rules!” haha!!! The drinking game word is “Ladysitter” and Wendy is TOO funny! Especially when she says Dana was wearing her butt on her chest in that wedding dress!

Wendy imagines Lisa’s house smells like fresh kibble, powder, musty garden shoes, and roses. She also does an amazing impression of her favorite housewife, Vicki “empty lovetank” Gunvalson! Wendy reveals she based her Bridesmaid character from Real Housewives of OC because she lives nearby, oh and she and Tamra Barney share a tramp stamp! The Game is Hot or Hot Mess? Andy shows stills from RHOBH and the ladies have to declare it hot or a hot mess! Super funny! Wendy was a great guest!

The Poll Question is: Which housedog is the cutest? Giggy or Jackpot. And surprisingly Jackpot won!

Thoughts on the episode and new lady Dana? Is she fun or wackadoo? What do you think of Kim’s odd behavior? Is Brandi up to no good or just not expressing herself well?