Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: The Ladies Face Off – Nipples Blazing!

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was just – sad, and it’s hard to know what to think. I was expecting a welcome break from the trauma (not to be confused with drama), but my hopes were dashed as the Taylor show came crashing into us harder than Malibu waves. Which reminds me, according to Bruce Jenner’s bespangled and fabulous ex-wife Linda Thompson, the ocean is going to be there long after all of us are gone, so I probably shouldn’t get too worked out about the problems of Housewives.

Anyway things started out on a truly lovely note with Wedding Planner to the Insane Kevin Lee organizing some tablescapes for Lisa and Pandora to choose from – well really Lisa, because after all it’s her wedding!

The ladies were excited, gracious and truly wowed, and after doing some finagling and maneuvering around they put their stamp of approval on the over-the-top fabudiculous arrangements (I made up a new word. Call me Teresa Giudice).


Happy days continue with Kyle’s mother-in-law Estella unveiling her new face post-Dr. Paul. Estella looked great — really natural for plastic surgery. After putting the finishing Botox touches on things, Estella peer pressures Kyle into doing something with herself. Kyle informs us she is against plastic surgery and just wants people to work with what God gave them; unless her skin starts hanging down to the floor… right. Yeah, she’s been ‘toxed, I bet my last dollar.

Brandi and Adrienne meet to look at “lunch”. Seriously they like moved one little pizza sliver around a plate and then mentioned it was too garlic-y. I could not be friends with these girls. Brandi is giddy because she is going to throw a belly dancing, wine tasting party for the ladies and invite everyone! Adrienne is like: ‘great idea; Oh, about Camille and Taylor…’

This show is like the walking equivalent to a high school time warp. As if all of the ladies became middle aged but never ever physically left high school. Kyle would be the head cheerleader (she can do splits!), Adrienne would be the peer mediator, Lisa would be class president, Brandi would be like the class clown who lives on the wrong side of the tracks and is popular because she gets drunk and puts out, Kim would be the artsy weirdo, Taylor would be in the wannabe circle and always trying to nose her way in, and Camille — well I’m not really sure where she belongs – I think she’d be the pretty quiet girl that dates some B-team hottie jock who secretly plays Magic: The Gathering. Camille is the only one who doesn’t seem stuck in her Jersey whory glory days as Prom Queen of 1984.

Back to the show, Brandi’s having a party and Adrienne doesn’t know if Camille and Taylor are a good mix. Like when you put on two different perfumes and it starts to stink. Brandi’s doing it anyways and she’s even inviting Kim because she just wants everyone to be fun — she is like a really fun person, you know.

Kyle is hosting a Cinco de Mayo / Estella’s New Face party. She’s freaking out on Mauricio for looking a fraction of a percent less hot than he usually does because he wore black shoes. Kyle has to do everything, just everything, even lay out her husband’s clothes! Life is so hard and unfair! Faye Resnick and her morally corrupt self arrive to exalt the glories of plastic surgery and, frankly, I don’t think she is a very convincing argument of that! Kyle spends the entire party nit-picking about her MIL’s facelift and asking if she can turn her head. Brandi has a point about Kyle – she loooves being the center of attention!

Lisa is working hard on the re-opening of SUR. And every detail counts, even the location of the bathroom door. Her poor contractor. I like her ideas and I think the place will be really swanky when it’s all said and done but — wow — I could never work with her!

Apparently, Brandi did invite Kim to her party even though Kyle didn’t think it was such a good idea. Kim’s not going, of course, because imaginary people don’t have parties and we all know that Brandi doesn’t exist. Instead, Kim folds some laundry and then sits in the laundry room to eat some Cheetos from her good china while gazing out the window. In Kim-land perhaps she was just imagining how these poor little Cheetos were once little cornstalks waving in the breeze and now they’re just sad little fake cheese coated things hanging out on one of Big Kathy’s china saucers… ahhh the circle of life. I hope Kim straightens things out and has a happy life.

It’s the night of Brandi’s bra-less wedge party! Camille is attending with her bra and her besties D.D. and Jennifer, and although she is excited she’s sort of over the whole Taylor-drama. Camille hates drama. Uh-huh. Talk in the Camille Limo is all about the dysfunction of Taylor blaming Camille for her issues and Camille just wanting to put it behind her, D.D. reminds Camille that her friends are there for her no matter what. Ugh – things are starting to go south, or east and west like Brandi’s nips!

Meanwhile at Taylor’s her meltdown begins in the mirror while she is getting ready – Taylor is still insanely upset with Camille, feels betrayed as well as has anxiety about seeing her. Luckily Kyle has her back! Taylor breaks out the bottle of wine in the limo and the ladies discuss the wilds of living in the BH. Oh, please. Taylor is “grossed out” by Camille’s actions (accompanying that with a Thriller dance pose). Kyle’s expressions are like ‘what the eff is going on here?’ Taylor has no intention of making amends. Yikes – that limo was awkward, Kyle looked like she wanted an escape door!

Brandi’s party seemed really fun. Everyone is excited until the dreaded evil step-sisters, Kyle and Taylor arrive – already tipsy. Camille gives Taylor a hug that I’m sure she imagined would say what words cannot, but Taylor is like ‘ew—cooties – get off.’ Poor Camille.

You know, nips out and all Brandi is kinda fun. Sure, she’s WT, but she at least seems to enjoy life. She just wanted to do something nice and light and fun for the ladies, I guess no one told her it’s not possible amongst this group! Kyle almost immediately starts with the mean girl antics making fun of Brandi for her bralessness. Apparently Brandi was also in the wrong for complimenting her “hot” husband – hiiiiisssssssssss. Camille points out that Brandi is just observing the trends and nipples are the new butt cracks – they’re in this season!

During belly dancing Kyle makes it all about her by totally ignoring the instructor and mocking the dance. Then, she starts with the splits. Brandi handled it with class but was like: ‘bish please I need a bra and you need self-esteem.’ Yeah dealing with Kyle and Taylor is so draining. Kyle then pulls out a laser pointer (from where?) and starts pointing it at Brandi’s high beams. Seriously Kyle, ugh! Brandi laughed but was rightfully appalled — for as trashy as she seems she’s a helluva a lot classier than ol’ BH girl Kyle. What is her deal with hating on Brandi!?

And since Taylor can’t stand for the attention to be on Kyle she decides it’s time to start having a meltdown. Talking to Adrienne, she makes passive aggressive comments about Camille where Camille can hear. While Camille chooses to ignore it and see it for what it is, D.D. has had enough. Probably because Taylor and Kyle are ruining everyone’s evening. At this point I’m confused about what show I’m watching: Intervention or RHOBH?

While everyone else is freaking out in Malibu, Lisa and Ken are enjoying a glass of wine. She skipped the soiree, believing Brandi was hosting a BJ party and since Lisa is an expert in the BJ department, thank you very much, she doesn’t need to learn any new tricks! That was a cute scene.

D.D. starts out trying to reason with Taylor, who’s still incredibly emotional about the situation. Taylor feels Camille put her daughter at risk by exposing Russell‘s abuse — although isn’t putting your situation on TV more dangerous? Taylor wants an apology and seems to think Camille wants to fight with her, baffling Camille. Why D.D.was so involved — I don’t know. They have a strange relationship, no?

When Camille comes over to sort things out and break up a potentially volatile situation, Taylor points in Camille’s face and demands “You, outside!” which sets D.D. off. And that’s when things fall apart. D.D. attempts to reason with Taylor escalates the situation until all the ladies jump in and start yelling, screaming, pointing and pushing into each other like Black Friday at Wal-Mart! You would have thought someone yelled: “FREE CHANEL!” the way they were acting.

Everyone just wants Taylor to talk to Camille, but with all the screaming who could interpret what the hell was going on. After they cluster Taylor away from the dangerous 3 foot balcony, Linda Thompson tries to be the voice of reason – which was absolutely the best thing about this scene. Taylor descends into a full-fledged toddler temper tantrum; consisting of shrieking and yelling and whining while everyone jumps up. Adrienne puts her hand over, well near, Taylor’s mouth, as it sort of hovered over “The Lips” while Taylor screams: “Its not fair!“

Brandi has finally had enough and marches over, nipples blazing, and tells Taylor to leave. It was awesome! Taylor and Kyle are flabbergasted and furious. How dare this upstart throw them out?!

Kyle and Brandi get into a slap, point, ‘she touched me first!’ fight while everyone continues to run around and freak out. Linda Thompson sagely points out that all the ladies are embarrassing themselves and reminds them they are an evolved species. Oh Linda, no, no they’re not. They are not part of your “evolved” species.

Kyle and Taylor locate their belongings and then, the door. I notice Taylor had an odd smirk on her face as everyone was clustering around her and ushering her out. Personally I think she thrives on drama and loves being at the center of it all. Very interesting. D.D. is still upset about Camille getting the blame for Taylor’s allegations being made public and is likely afraid Taylor will accuse Camille of making it all up.

Taylor has ruined yet another party as all Brandi’s guests flee. Maybe she should go on a social hiatus for a while. In the limo Taylor starts freaking out again, screaming that she needs a cigarette. Bravo should not have been filming this. This woman is not OK and it is shameful that she would allow this to be on television. I actually felt for Kyle in this scene, as she had no idea what to do or how to help Taylor in that moment. Does anyone else notice that when Taylor cries there are never any tears? Interesting…

Brandi is so disappointed by the way things turned out. Poor Brandi just wants to fit in. Why on Earth would she want to fit in with those crazy biatches?!

Next week: Bachelorette Party wars continue with Palms vs. Planet Hollywood. Kim worries about losing her children as Kyle comforts her, and Taylor reaches out to Lisa.

Watch What Happens Live: The guest is none other than Taylor, surprisingly. Andy asks Taylor several questions about her state of mind during filming and what is going on in her life now. Taylor reveals that on the evening of Brandi’s bellydancing party she was, indeed, crazy (and drunk) because her biggest fears were “unraveling” in light of what Camille exposed about her life on camera.

Taylor described that she was “truly terrified” and although she had confided in the ladies about her marriage she had done so off camera with no intention of it ever reaching the viewers’ ears and her reaction to Camille was out of fear of the truth coming out.

Taylor explains that she completely understands the ladies confusion over what to believe, but at the time she really felt betrayed by Camille. She also understands D.D. protecting her best friend.

Andy displays a copy of Taylor’s new book, out in February, called Hiding From Reality. Interesting time frame – was she writing this before Russell Armstrong took his life? It will cover her past and how she came to find herself in an abusive relationship. Taylor wants people to see who she really is.

Andy asks about Taylor’s life in the wake of Russell’s suicide. Taylor tells us that Kennedy was at the house with her when she found Russell and could tell something was wrong, asking: “Did Daddy do something dumb?” Heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking.

Taylor says she and Kennedy talk about what happened a lot and both go through good days and bad days. Taylor is still close friends with Kyle and they have sleep-overs all the time, but she has never lived with Kyle. She apparently still lives in the house she lived in during filming. She has a good relationship with Lisa, who has been amazing and come to her aid through all of this. Taylor describes the RHOBH as “life a family” after what they have been through together.

After the commercial break Taylor suddenly switches from emotional to joking and laughing about Botox and her lips. Very interesting. She confirms she is not dating Most Eligible DallasMatt Nordgren, they are just merging their foundations together. She also reveals that she’s not really a fan of Brandi being a member of the Housewives crew. That’s pretty much it, the game was lame, there was no drinking word, and Andy is as shocked as I am that Bruce divorced Linda Thompson and married Kris Jenner. Eeeeewwwww… Maybe Linda can join the cast next season.

The poll question is: Did Deidre go to far: Yes or No? The viewers answer No, by a slim margin, which Taylor says she was expecting causing Andy to do a double take.