Vanderpump Rules Recap: SURving Up Psychosis


Last night on Vanderpump Rules some girls got diamonds and some girls got called a c-u-next-tuesday near the loading dock in the back of a restaurant. Some girls have all the luck… and some girls, well, some girls bawl their eyes out next to the dumpster. 

Kristen Doute's season-long crusade over Tom 1's cheating continued, but there was a twist! A big ol' twist. The twist was: after throwing a man-trum and berating Jax Taylor for lying and ruining his life, Tom 1 confessed that he did actually kiss Ariana in Vegas. Not behind the port-a-potty but in the pool of a low-rent hotel. Same difference! 

Perhaps Tom 1 was undergoing electro-shock therapy and a in the course of rediscovering joy, he remember the blissful drunken kiss in a Vegas swimming pool under flashing lights that spelled out "Destiny". Or perhaps Kristen waterboarded him with gin mixed with Axe Bodyspray into confessing. Whatever the case, Tom 1 makes a liar of himself and Ariana too. But not Jax


Stassi Schroeder does a victory dance. She hikes up her skirt, straps on her heeled combat boots with reinforced gold-plated steel toes (Zara, baby!) and kicks the ish out of her lifesized Jax punching bag. Stassi loves being right. 

There were many more twists however. Such as, Kristen did not dump Tom! SHE DID NOT DUMP TOM! She temporarily fled to Minnesota (the birthplace of her cray), leaving in pj shorts while sobbing hysterically and she had a breakdown. I imagine she shaved her head and donned a wig Amanda Bynes style. From Minnesota, she tweeted that she and Tom 1 were addicted to each other as crack was to crackheads. Cause that's true love; I love you like deadly and toxically addictive substances. Sounds about right. 

Kristen made Beyonce's Crazy In Love her mantra and danced down the streets of Milwaukee shrieking it it loudly at all hours until the police picked her up, decided she was too crazy for the midwest to handle, and shipped her back to a reluctant Lisa Vanderpump. "Oh no…," Lisa sighed when she received the Live Cargo crate, "Rosario be a love and store this in the cellar – NOT the wine cellar, mind you." 

Kristen was afraid to tell her really close friends Stassi and the Annonnymous Clones Katie and Kristina the truth, so she decided to convey her re-emergence of love through instagram. To investigate more thoroughly Stassi pays a visit to Tom's apartment where the whole slippery eel of a story comes unzipped from his trousers and uncoiling out. Stassi realizes there is a reason Tom 1 and Jax are friends – former friends – they're both filthy, STD ridden liars, and Tom is only mad that Jax betrayed his secret. 

Stassi and Katie decide to stop being friends with Kristen

Speaking of Jax, where is that bugger? He hasn't even been posting workout selfies, or peckies, or pukies, or drunkies or whatever else Jax deems important. Why? Because Jax has been returned to the motherland: jail! He got pulled over, the police discovered he had a warrant, and he spent 4 days in the slammer. He couldn't call anyone because he didn't remember any phone numbers. "Not Stassi's?" Lisa questions dubiously It's not tattooed on his arm? 

Jax shocks us all when he reveals it's not his first time in jail. No…. a seasoned and professional liar and scammer like Jax? 


While Kristen is away Scheana Marie gets engaged to Shay, who it turns out is actually named Mike. He proposes earnestly and sweetly to Scheana in Lisa's backyard. Pandora conspired with Ariana and Scheana's sometime-friend-sometime-mortal-enemy Stassi to trick her into thinking a photoshoot was happening when actually it was a proposal. Scheana of course said yes, because as Lisa explained, "Scheana desperately wants to be engaged" … to anyone. 

You know what though, it was cute. It was very cute. Shay seemed super sincere and Scheana was really trying to work up the tears but she had too much false eyelash glue. Stassi and Ariana bonded; Stassi decided she liked Ariana better than Kristen and was on her side because Tom is disgusting and Kristen is so crazy. Scheana says Stassi can be a bridesmaid. Stassi choked out a yes and then made a face. 

Congratulations Shayeana

All is quiet-esque until Kristen returns. With a vengeance and a fury. Literally. Peter Madrigal warns Lisa that a storm is coming and it's liable to be all-consuming in its voracity given that it never eats and only imbibes poisonous liquids filched from the SUR bar. Lisa in exchange fills Peter in on the time Kristen called her from Cabo to issue her an ultimatum. Lisa is about thisclose to firing Kristen. Peter was crossing his fingers under the table and silently chanting: "Please let Lisa fire her." Maybe Peter started the rumor that Kristen cheated with Jax in an effort to rid her from SUR? There was not nearly enough Peter in this episode. GET WITH IT BRAVO. 

Kristen is back all of 16 seconds when she recants on her promise to totally pretend Ariana does not exist. When she realizes Ariana is on break, she stomps out back and calls her the c-word for sleeping with her boyfriend. Ariana reminds her to turn her aggression to the gross, weasel standing behind her, who happens to be the man she's professing her undying love to on twitter. It was ONE KISS, one time – not an affair. And it only happened because Tom told Ariana that he was breaking up with Kristen. Tom tries to squirm out of it saying he doesn't remember saying that but apparently that's his MO every time he cheats. 

Kristen doesn't seem to care about confronting the obvious: Tom. She only cares about blaming Ariana. Ariana was right to hide her little tongue incident from Kristen all along, and Scheana is relieved that she didn't know cause that meant she as never actually a liar – at least not in this instance.


Stassi and Katie free Ariana from the Wrath of Krisatan and she turns her wrath on them for not supporting her lunacy. Stassi tried to be decent by reminding Kristen that they had been supporting her in this for years to no avail. 

Finally Lisa sits Ariana and Stassi down to find out what happened where they both exchange mutual smirks and suggest Lisa fire Kristen

Here's what I think: Kristen is nuts. Why does she have a vested interest in saving a relationship with a man that clearly does not want her in anyway and actually has an orchestrated scheme to bag girls behind her back. I don't know who's worse here? I'm with Stassi: Team Ariana. She's kind of the real victim in all of this and that's saying something. 

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