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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale

What an awful Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale! If the ladies sucked up to Yolanda Foster‘s journey any harder, they’d be a two-foot long parasitic tape worm! Colonics – STAT! 

I hate a finales in general. Everyone circles like sharks, lurking for damage control, eager to take down the pre-appointed prey. And to the shark with the sharpest teeth, go the tastiest camera morsels. However, it’s important to remember that sharks are not smart – they are reactionary creatures whose successful existence hinges on their ability to annihilate prey quickly and effectively, which accounts for their survival, basically unchanged after millions of years. This is where Housewives fail. Their takedowns are rarely streamlined, timely, or effective.

Such is the case at Kyle Richards‘ party, held in the house she stole from Kim Richards. What a shocker that Kim is there, holding a sign that reads “Property Of KimKillah.” I believe Brandi Glanville did her hair and makeup. That is the only excuse for the bootleg I Dream Of Jeanie looking Bump-it hair and wandering cat-eye makeup. But at least Kim isn’t smuggling vodka in her iced coffee. Instead, she’s smiling, eager and willing to pretend all the nastiness of Palm Springs pasts never happened.

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Kim still has unfinished business with Lisa Rinna. And, what a coincidence, Kyle, hostess with the mostess (Fat Burger trucks?), forgot to inform Lipsa that Kim will be at the party. Whoopsie! 

LVP confides in Ken

Before Kyle’s party, all the ladies congregate with their respective support systems to divest themselves of the hemorrhaging drama that was Dubai. Lisa Vanderpump tells Ken of Lipsa’s betrayal. He dismisses her a “stroppy cow,” and other ill-mannered British words. Lisa mulls this over while petting a dog. In times of stress any dog will do – possibly this one was a stray left over from the former Maloof-Nassif residence.

Lipsa loosely confides in her agent, then shifts her focus to her career – some talk show she’s doing which she hopes will re-propel her into daytime. Eileen Davidson tells Vinny about everything, but since Eileen has confused RHOBH with a method therapeutic exercise, she confesses to still liking LVP despite all.

Eileen tells Vinny about Dubai

Kathryn Edwards chats with Donnie, and she, like all of us, finds the entire argument confusing, and a total waste of a vacation. She was too distraught to even shop. Which was the true travesty. Or maybe she was just savvy enough to recognize that Dubai’s Chanel is also available in BH. Kathryn would have rather bought a pet shark from the Atlantis Aquarium circling through Eileen and Lipsa’s room. So much imagery in that hotel situation, right?!

Since Erika Girardi and Yolanda have only each other, and Erika’s sole purpose is to play First Mate to Yolanda’s delusions, she is the eager-beaver flashing (the Beaver is named “Erika Jayne”) the news to Yolanda of how Lipsa accused LVP of being the manipulator behind HousenMouhen. Happily, Yolanda has gotten Rosetta Stone and can now pronounce Munchausen. Also, her Lyme Brain is in full-throttle – must be all the renewable energies found in juice cleanses – allowing her to remember all the other times LVP found herself in the midst of a takedown.

What Yolanda FAILED to remember: The other element connecting all those instances was Yolanda, HERSELF. Hmmmmmm… what have we here? Is it manipulhousen? Yolanda, I see you. I see you lurking. #LifeFromTheSidelines 

Erika and Yolanda

In Palm Springs, the hotel concierge is wearing a hot pink jacket. I think it’s a subtle nod to his LVP loyalty. 

At Kyle’s house, the bitches come marching in one by one, hurrah, hurrah! First arrives Kim, in her Boozdi Jr get-up. Then Erika and Yolanda. (Doesn’t Erika get bored playing substitute health advocate?). Lipsa and Eileen arrive prepared for battle. I swear Lipsa was wearing bullet-proof Spanx.

Instead of a white party, Kyle has a black party. Black to reflect the hearts of the group? However, like the devil, Yolanda wears red. 

Even before handing Kyle a hostess gift, Lipsa snags Yolanda for a damage control chat near the fire pit, where Yolanda’s eyes glow red and dangerous. Lipsa is oh-so sorry she wasn’t supportive of the journey and has been oh-so wrong about Yolanda, who is oh-so NOT manipulative. LVP “pushed” Lipsa to say Munchausen.

Yolanda is not buying what Lipsa is selling – since what Lipsa is selling isn’t a bogus cure for Lyme Disease that promises mushroom soup footbaths that reduce horsefly toxins. “Sorry sometimes isn’t good enough – you need to think before you speak,” admonishes the woman who considers Brandi a BFF. But frankly, Rinna should have closed her mouth and gone with her gut: Yolanda IS more manipulative than LVP. Rinna was sure eating those words when the perfectly-timed divorce announcement dropped!

Lisa Rinna and Yolanda

In the middle of Yo and Lipsa talking shit about her, LVP arrives. Oops! Lipsa wonders if she could dig a deeper hole for herself. Sure she could – back at the beach, with Eileen wielding the shovel and telling her how deep. Be wary of high tide, gals! 

The entire group is avoiding LVP, save for Kyle, who needs someone to continually deflate the boobs oozing over her dress. Girl – up a size, lest they go up and away from the nip slip zone! 

As soon as Lipsa is done with Yolanda, the other ladies rush over to learn what was said, what she thinks, is she OK, is her journey still a thing. Also, if one more person pretends Yolanda’s hair looks good, I’m gonna throw something at the TV. That hair looks like the aftermath of Demi Moore’s GI Jane buzz cut. #REFUND!

Kyle, watching from afar with Kim and LVP, sidles over to break up this gossip party, when Yolanda forgets she’s sick for all of two minutes and hits the bar for a drink. It is there that LVP finds her and they talk. Yolanda point-blank asks LVP about Lipsa’s accusations. Kyle validates that Rinna made the Munchausen comment. Across the party, Eileen and Lipsa complain that LVP was trying to “save her ass” with Yolanda. Yet, when Lipsa was throwing herself at Yolanda’s feet, that was a grown woman “owning it” by being a friend, and apologizing? Yeah…

Yolanda and LVP

At least LVP and Yolanda can admit that their issues are over Mohamed, and Yolanda finally acknowledges that LVP’s loyalty will forever remain with him. Yolanda then smirks to the other women that LVP of course admitted to nothing. Eileen predicted as much. 

LVP may not apologize enough, but that’s better than the fake-ass apologies Lipsa constantly spews! 

Everyone at this “party” is circling Yolanda, who is eating it up like organic wheat grass promising eternal youth. Kathryn, chatting with Erika and Camille Grammer (blessed Camille – Saint of Sanity, Dictatress of Pernicious Paradise) about Lipsa’s shocking reversal of friendship. Erika complains about Kathryn drinking the “Vanderpump Kool-Aid.” Where does Erika get such ideas about LVP? First she’s a sniper, then a web-spinner, now she makes her own Kool-Aid and feeds it to sweet-natured Housewives. My, my… 

I’d rather drink the “Vanderpump Kool-Aid” than be Erika guzzling the Lyme-Aid. Which I hear is made of bogus vitamin IVs sold on Instagram, right beside waist shapers! Seriously, what exactly has LVP done to Erika? 

Lipsa says if LVP “owned it,” like Lipsa does, and admitted she can be manipulative, everyone would get over it, because they’re friends. This definition of friendship is only found in Alice In Wonderland, somewhere between the Hookah-smoking caterpillar and the disappearing Cheshire Cat. Maybe, instead of drinking kook-aid, someone oughtta eat a pot brownie, chill, and stop micro-analyzing every glance, word, nuance, and cuff bracelet in LVP’s world. Does LVP do some kinda magic now, cause she’s got all these women clinging to her every feather lash.

Kim and Lisa Rinna

To make matters worse, Kim confronts Lipsa. It accomplishes a whole lotta nothing. Here are two women who pay lip service to ‘owning their shit,’ without actually owning any shit. Hollow words wasted on hollow heads. Kim wants Lipsa to erase everything that happened in her drunken stupor last season, and Lipsa wants Kim to leave her alone. 

Kyle spies on Kim and Rinna

Kyle watches like a hawk, making sure Kim doesn’t do anything disruptive, explosive, or embarrassing. Kyle will never relinquish her co-dependence. 

Yolanda, realizing she won the day, decides to go. To the victor go the Erika

Weary of the black hole of gossip and lies that has “enraged” the dessert, LVP collects Ken to leave. This is not acceptable to Eileen and Lipsa, who scoff that with everyone having issues with LVP, she should want to stay and do tequila shots and sing “I’ve Got Friends In Low Places.” I mean, wouldn’t you? On her way out the door, LVP kisses Faye Resnick (hopefully LVP didn’t get any morally corrupt on her!) and apologizes for being rude. LVP is learning that sometimes a fake apology is a saving grace. Kyle tears up a bit, “Nobody’s perfect – the good out-weighs the bad for me.” An elated Kyle grabs Camille for an impromptu dance. 

Back in Beverly Hills, Yolanda announces: The Da to her Yo is no more. It’s divorce from lemon-lyme love. LVP, in a frilly boudoir blouse, discusses the shocking situation with Kyle and Kathryn. Yolanda’s nauseating gushing about David’s love is replayed. “I’m assuming she was blindsided,” pretends LVP. I fully standby my statement that Yolanda cast David aside. “I don’t know if Yolanda’s health issues affected her marriage, or her marriage issues affected her health,” suggests Kyle.

Yolanda's new condo

Over in the Divorce Dump (aka Yolanda’s condo), Erika visits (wearing a fantastic cape) to get the Yo-approved spiel about why her marriage fell flatter than a leaky implant. Yolanda calls her condo a “healing space,” since it has that treatment room and all…  

Yolanda is much revived and improved – not at all the ill woman barely crawling out of a ratty bathrobe. She’s even brushed her hair and put on makeup. Miracles happen! 

Over coffee, Erika can barely muster any enthusiasm to look alive while Yolanda drones on about her journey, her divorce, her trust issues, and her Lyme Brain’s power of positive thinking. Yaaaawn. Transfer the comatose Erika Jayne to the hospital bed in the treatment room! 

Yolanda defends hiding her divorce from the group because they’re not true friends. “It’s not a place I want to share,” she lectures. It’s nobody’s business what happens in Yolanda’s REAL LIFE on a REALITY SHOW! Her journey is Lyme, not failed loves! 

Yolanda explains divorce

Explaining her reasons for the marriage ending, Yolanda preaches, “If you stop making each other happy, you shouldn’t be together.” Errrrrmmmmm… the marital vows direct you to work on said marriage, not cast it aside like the rotting lemons that fell from the perfect-looking lemon trees. Sadly, The Sanctimonious High Priestess couldn’t possibly focus on anyone other than herself, her journey, or her picture-perfect image of the perfect marriage.

Yolanda gushes about deserving the “best days” which are ahead of her on David’s alimony. 

Since their husbands can take no more histrionics, BFF’s Eileen and Lipsa meet to dissect the divorce. And just like that the tilt-a-whirl that is Lipsa’s prosaic mind is again questioning the manipulations of Yolanda Foster!

Lipsa isn’t surprised Yolanda hid that her marriage was falling apart and used Lyme as a shield. Eileen defends Yo, who may been trying to salvage things with David (YEAH RIGHT – divorce after four years of marriage and gushing about MY LOVE just doesn’t look good, so Yo tried to hide it!)

Lipsa accurately predicts that with the divorce “out of the bag,” Yolanda will feel better “real quick!”

This is what bothers me about LipsaSHE, all on her own, questioned Yolanda, yet when she assumed she’d get viewer backlash and ostracized from the women, she changed her story and tried to pin the whole thing on LVP, Yo’s so-called nemesis. Had Lipsa just stayed the course, supported the friends who supported her (LVP, Kyle, AND Eileen), she would have been justified in her questioning. Instead she looks like an unstable nut who is overly concerned about validating others! Lipsa claims she never meant to hurt Yolanda. And no, she didn’t, but she did mean to question Yolanda and it was righteous questioning. It’s too bad Lipsa didn’t listen to herself. 

In the end, Lipsa owns her nonsense by admitting she’s a “f–k-up,” which actually isn’t owning it so much as making excuses. Just like Brandi. Meanwhile, Kyle and LVP have repaired their friendship. Next time Kyle feels the sneaking doubt of LVP’s love, she’ll bury her face in the mane of a mini horse and banish the bad thoughts. 

Erika has Tom programmed in her phone as “The Boss,” and is uncomfortably trying to navigate female friendships. Kathryn learned that she sometimes has to let her guard down. And she purchased a chateau in France. Bonjour next season’s cast trip!

Finally, Yolanda has turned herself into a human Jiffy Pop bag, yet she wonders why David’s love can’t penetrate? Unsurprisingly, as soon as filming wrapped (with no one buying her stupid-ass journey), Yo’s health improved dramatically, and she’s going to Paris. Lock your doors, Kathryn! 

TELL US – WHAT’S YOU REFLECTION OF THE SEASON FINALE? ARE YOU SURPRISED BY YOLANDA’S HEALTH IMPROVEMENT? CAN LVP AND LIPSA REPAIR THEIR FRIENDSHIP? BETTER NEWBIE: KATHRYN OR ERIKA?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]