Oh Lisa Rinna. Those lips, those lips are juicy. Last night, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills were supposed to be relaxing in Mexico, but we all know that’s not what happened. Echoing a theme of being over the shit, Eileen Davidson preferred Montezuma’s Revenge Diarrhea to more diarrhea of drama over who said what 3,000 years ago when Montezuma ruled.
So Lipsa arrives in Mexico to a chilly greeting. Kyle Richards is reeling after learning that Lipsa blabbed what the whole world was already thinking about Kim Richards‘ state of sobriety: Kim is “mostly sober,” Kyle is an enabler, and Kim is/was “near death.” Unfortunately Lipsa chose to make these observations to Eden Sassoon, who she mistakenly believed she could trust.
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But not only is Eden madly, passionately obsessed with the Twisted Sisters Richards, she’s also social climbing Lisa Vanderpump like a tree. Someone did her research and realized that she needed to cozy up to the queen to scale the RHOBH stilettos. And Lisazuma’s Revenge comes like full-force tidal wave.
The ladies get all gussied up in their finery for The Agency party. And OMG – the invitation came with reusable grocery bags and trucker hats! And OMG, OMG – Kyle wore a dress to match them. Complete with side-boob rolls over the side of the bodice. KYLE, YOU ARE RICH. GET A TAILOR. NOW.
At the party, Kyle and Erika Jayne act like they invented the margarita (uh, no, that was Bethenny Frankel – eye roll) and go around saying it constantly like they get a Birkin for every time the words come out of their mouths. Kyle explains that she can handle her tequila because she’s married to a Mexican.
Everything was going okay until Lipsa got cornered. Literally. Eileen shares that she recently got IV drips with Eden, and guess what they talked about?! Kim and Kyle! After promising LVP that she was done discussing the Richards, Eden ran to Eileen to complain about how they don’t want her help. That’s when Erika pipes up that Lipsa needs to have a little chat with Kyle about what is coming out of Eden’s mouth. And it ain’t smoothie.
Lipsa, unable to stand the suspense, rushes right over to Kyle. Observing this scene from a distance, like a hunter stalking its prey, LVP and Dorit Kemsley sidle over from across the party. Kyle is a bit miffed. Or so she says. Apparently, she just wasn’t ready to have this discussion with Lipsa and wanted to have a fun party, working her slit with an Angelina Jolie pose, talking about tequila, and playing queen for the day. Now she has to have drama. Sigh. Poor Kyle!
The funny thing is that Lipsa claims to have NO recollection of saying these things to Eden and is downright shocked at what she’s being accused of. Furthermore, she insists she’s been “really careful” about her words. Except for, as LVP reminded, the time Lipsa made the low-blow comment about Kim‘s arrests. Now in some ways, I believe Lipsa did forget the particulars of her conversation with Eden, but I know she recognized that she said SOMETHING to Eden. And I know she recalled the particular conversation in question, she was just trying to inch around it on particular semantics.
Still, Lipsa remains emphatic that she has no idea if she said it, though maybe if she did, like perhaps, or possibly, and if so she didn’t mean it in a mean way. And it’s Eden’s fault for obsessively talking about Kim and Kyle. Now here’s the other thing – I’m annoyed with Kyle’s righteous anger act. She knows full-well that Kim has done and said a million horrible things, and she shouldn’t continue to defend this. THAT. Is. Enabling. Instead, Kyle needs to accept that Kim’s battles are not Kyle’s. Easier said than done, of course, and as LVP pointed out, if Lipsa is Kyle’s friend, she should respect her enough to be loyal. Which means NOT spreading her business around to some woman she met at a Pilates studio three minutes ago! What the hell is Eden putting in these smoothies?! Confessional juice? Is the CIA on this?
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Naturally, LVP doesn’t believe Lipsa’s memory lapse for one second. In the confessional, she imitates Lipsa’s squeaky voice imploring her to “Own it!” You know – take her own advice. Lipsa vows just that IF she said it, she will OWN IT, but until then she’s not f–king taking it and she’s not letting Eden put this all on her. Furthermore, she is planing to have a very stern conversation with this Eden “Obsession” Sassoon, smoothie-er of betrayal.
The most amazing thing about this scene was not Lipsa’s baffling memory lapse, but that the entire conversation took place with her literally physically backed into a corner, pressed up against the wall.
After the confrontation, Lipsa runs outside and bursts into tears. Dorit and Eileen quickly followed her. Lipsa sobbed that she just can’t handle this again and her life is too good to be stuck in the muck – again! – over Kim so she just wants to go home. She blames her emotions on being upset that no one clued her in to what Eden was doing and saying – least of all Eden.
The thing is, Lipsa, you have to think before you speak. Eileen, who is feeling like puking, decides it’s high time to leave this party, and that the wailing Lipsa should come too. Erika is concerned about leaving these two to their own devices and invites herself to play chaperone.
Lipsa sobs through an apology and a goodbye from Kyle, who is now wondering what tequila full of worms she’s uncorked. But with all the potential messes away, Kyle and LVP take to the dance floor to waltz through the many ways Lipsa has stuck her two left feet in her very big mouth. It has to be said they both did seem a little joyful. Deservedly after last season’s witch hunt.
Back at the casita, Erika presses Lipsa to remember what was said. Lipsa insists she can’t remember, and until she does, she’s not copping to anything. The real monkey wrench in all of this is Eden and her motives.
So Eden is accusing Lipsa of planting these dire seeds in her mind, then hanging her out to dry when she confronted Kyle and Kim. Except, Lipsa also has a point: Eden never confronted her about how she was feeling or tried to clarify things. Then when Lipsa warned her to back-off and said she no longer wanted to talk about Kim and Kyle, Eden took it upon herself to bring it up, and up, and up… it’s like the Jack In The Box of conversations. Which pretty much mirrors Kim’s own sobriety: up and down, up and down, up and down the Target aisles she goes. Now it is Eden who is calling Kim a bitch to Dorit and complaining about her to Eileen, then turning around and blaming Lipsa to LVP. This Eden – all poisoned apples and no serenity.
In the tram back to the casita, Kyle, LVP, and Dorit are in good spirits despite the sobbing mess at the party. LVP jokes that it’s the perfect time for wife swap – just as soon as she manages to pry her ginormous knickers off, so by next week? I didn’t like Dorit and PK initially, but now they’ve grown on me. I think PK is kind of charming in his own weird way and I like how he, Dorit, “Kenny,” and LVP joke around. He volunteers Dorit to deal with monster knickers and Kyle suggests they make pillow shams from them. Do you think these knickers are bedazzled, monogrammed, and have prodigious ruffles? Rhetorical question – of course they do!
Back in LA, Eden and her mom have calcium smoothies to discuss why she’s so involved in The Twisted Sisters Richards. Eden whines that she wasn’t trying to make trouble but these women don’t understand that she sees a mirror image of “Kat and Eden” in “Kim and Kyle.” Even Eden’s mom is like, honey, just stop – stop hugging me, stop smothering everyone in smoothie, and stop pretending you are a qualified psychologist.
The next morning, in Mexico, LVP is ready to blow this Popsicle stand and head to DC to petition congress over the Yulin Dog March. Kyle doesn’t want her security crown to leave, though. Who will stroke her kaftans and reassure her that it will be fine because Mama Lisa is all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-hearing? However – priorities. A boat ride with Lipsa and Kyle or saving the lives of innocent animals? So off to congress LVP will go!
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The rest of the ladies, including Lipsa and Eileen, are off for a day of boating. Shockingly, no life vests were required, although Dorit will leap to her death for a Birkin. Hey they float!
While most of the group sticks together for margaritas and snacks, Lipsa and Eileen sneak off to discuss Lipsa’s big mouth and the perceived joy LVP had at the possibility of Lipsa going down. Lisazuma’s Revenge, y’all! PK finds it odd that they’re hiding from the group – which I find odd? Does he want one of their 16 nannies to babysit Lipsa and Eileen to make sure they stay with the group and don’t talk out of turn?
Erika, Dorit, and PK go find them, and Lipsa reassures Erika that she’s fine despite last night’s sobbing meltdown. In fact, she’s so fine that she acts out a raunchy rendition of Painkillr on a table, spreading her legs wide for PK’s viewing pleasure. That is the biggest indication that she is NOT fine. Also, how long did she practice this Drag Race routine in the mirror?
Kyle jokes that Lipsa is all forgiven after her Painkillr dance. And especially after she leaps off the side of the boat into the water. PK even promises Dorit a Birkin if she risks her life by jumping in too. Obviously, she has to do what she has to do. Birkin’s do carry a lot of baggage.
TELL US – DO YOU BELIEVE LIPSA COULDN’T REMEMBER HER CONVERSATION WITH EDEN? IS EDEN TRYING TO MAKE TROUBLE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]