Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Too Cool

Viva Las Vegas, right?! Everyone was being backed into walls on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills – from Lisa Rinna in a Ferris Wheel (with a bar); to Erika Girardi into a designer makeup counter. Won’t you just be Lisa Vanderpump‘s friend?!

It’s dark and scary days as Lipsa is among them. Dorit Kemsley is afraid. What will Lipsa’s evil, vicious, devil’s tongue say next?! Will she be hiding a Blue Bunny in Kyle RichardsBlue Birkin? Or will she come in peace?

It turns out the latter: Lisa Rinna has had an epiphany – she ain’t gonna do bad no more. Instead she will be “nice” Lisa Rinna. Which means be polite, think before you speak, and pretend like all your past bad deeds never happened. For Dorit this is a welcome surprise – although she doesn’t quite trust this ‘new’ Lipsa.

Over dinner, Dorit and LVP joke about how to make Lipsa pay for her sins, so we all know this nicey-nicey won’t last!

Lisa Rinna‘s arrival was so exciting she even eclipsed Erika’s “Russian Hooker” outfit. Erika basically went to dinner dressed like an extra from Janet Jackson’s Nasty years, and I don’t know – I appreciate that Erika is so committed to her ‘glam,’ but I just can’t get worked up about it. Is it me? Am I not enough of a queen?

So what do we think of Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave!? Dorit awkwardly introduces Teddi’s relationship to her famous father by using John’s very outdated “Cougar Mellencamp” moniker. For someone whose husband is in the music business, Dorit should know better, but PK is in the 80’s music business and seems about as up to date as the word “phat.” Anyway, Teddi is no cougar. Mellencamp or otherwise. Instead she is an “Accountability Coach.” That’s like the most Housewife non-job ever. It’s on par with “I run a clothing line which I don’t design, conceptualize, produce, or wear.”

What Teddi does is text-motivate people to stop being fat. This is because Teddi has always struggled with her weight and has been as heavy as 200 lbs. As she reveals this, the ladies are riveted – they’ve heard, but never seen (!) this urban myth about a person who isn’t a size 2, and they’re not sure they can believe her. LVP is so enraptured she treats Teddi to an Eileen Davidson-style inquisition but can’t even muster snarky comments in response. Serious stuff, peeps! On Real Housewives cancer can be questioned with reckless abandon and much sarcasm, but pants size…

Take note Andy: If you want to shut-up a room full of Housewives, confess that you were once overweight!

Camille Grammer's Dance Moves

Other than this, Teddi is sort of … un-fun. Was she hired only because she shares a birthday weekend with Dorit, Lipsa, Camille Grammer, and Erika?

In the midst of the Renaissance of Lisa Rinna, Adrienne Maloof also appeared from the dead, but considering that she’s pretty much always looked like one of the undead, no one paid this other ghost in their midst much attention. I’m only reminded that Adrienne was there because, in case you’ve forgotten, her family owns The Palms and one cannot mention Adrienne without plugging one of her family’s 200,046 businesses. Shockingly, it seems Kyle has violated some sort of Bravo pact because no one is hauled to The Palms to do PR. I suppose that’s what you get for being a subterranean Housewives extra.

Instead, Kyle drags them to Tao, where they are the oldest people there by approximately all the years since Camille’s dance moves were popular on MTV. That doesn’t stop them from resurrecting these dance moves. The very ones that snared Sir Kelsey Grammer of Chronic Philandering Boulevard. Kyle even has happy birthday messages featuring photos of every birthday girl over the club’s giant TV screen. In a true lack of shadiness, she did not list anyone’s age, but she did throw up a pic of Lipsa in a bikini.

That bikini came back to haunt Kyle in the flesh the next day when Lipsa knocked on her door. Lipsa aged 50+ looking 20-something in her bikini is enough to make Kyle eat all her words. And Lisa Rinna’s daughter’s $235 Wagyu steak too. Oh yes, Lisa + parenting = FAIL. She claims to be on a mission to raise down-to-earth, sensible children, yet turns them loose in NYC with her credit card and allows them to spend $200+ on ONE DINNER, that Delilah literally shit out mere hours later because the finer things upset her stomach. Instead of taking the card away, Lipsa just smirked out of FaceTime range.

Meanwhile, Dorit calls PK for a little budgeting advice. Her plans for the day include gambling, followed by shopping, so her budget is “no more than one million”… Monopoly dollars. Dorit translates this into wearing what appears to be Hermes PJs and throwing down $5,000 on a roulette table, alongside a 10 am Vodka Soda. Erika was also there, wearing her Welcome To The Jungle sweatsuit and came ready to Tiger Mom Dorit into spending all PK’s dollarz. Erika loves gambling and it’s a black hole anti-time continuum where nothing and no one matters. Sounds promising!

Erika & Dorit Gambling

For some odd reason, they invited Teddi to join them – to hold them accountable, perhaps? – because Teddi is not about spending money. Or throwing caution to the wind. She wins $800 on the first slot and is then out. Carefully hoarding her little stack of chips and claiming she needs to save them for her Hostess Cupcakes fund. Teddi had a rich and famous father, but the closest she came to that lifestyle was Famous Amos cookies in her studio apartment.

This rankles Erika, who seems resentful, and not to be mean, because I want to give the lady a chance to redeem her cut to the cooch shorts from last episode that would have Kenya Moore hollering “SECURITY” (cause holy yeast infection Batman!), but if Teddi doesn’t like exercising excessive spending or extravagance – WHY IS SHE ON THIS SHOW? Teddi turns her nose up right quick at Dorit winning, then losing $4,000 and Erika trying to convince them to blow more. But, at least Dorit and Erika finally had a break-thru bonding moment; a charming coming of middle age tale about winning and losing, but learning the value of true friendship!

Then, LVP arrived to quickly scoot Teddi over to the pool with the boring ladies, so she could corner Erika on a balcony and threaten her with a good friendship. Do not react dismissively to LVP’s texts, cause she will hound you like the dogs she loves!

LVP wants Erika to be her friend

Talk about awkward – LVP squeezed Erika into an awkward hug and decided since Erika and Dorit are now getting on, Erika owes her a friendship too. LVP literally demanded an explanation as to why Erika doesn’t text her with the right amount of gusto. Cause duh – Erika is too busy hanging out with sycophantic ‘queens’ who are totally kosher with her “what up, bitch” veneer that she doesn’t need love. LVP will not accept that; if Erika is going to be friends with her friends, it’s a package deal.

RELATED: Does Erika Trust Lisa’s Intentions In Trying To Be Friends? 

Erika tries to make it right the best way she knows how – by buying LVP some $200 face cream. I dunno if that’s gonna smooth everything over enough to Vanderpump’s liking. I mean, let’s be honest here: when it comes to LVP she’s as transparent as those lace blouses she favors – everyone must do their due diligence to suck up, and if not, she will pounce in the most unlikely of places, to remind you.

Lisa vanderpump's blouses

Also – Lisa’s blouses are an abomination. That one she wore on the Ferris Wheel with the Elizabethan Ruff? If she wants to subtly decree herself queen, maybe go a little more obvious like the crown of roses Erika has in her very ill-advised interview segment. I don’t think seniority is really the thing LVP is going for though…

Backing up though, LVP has conned them all into getting on a Ferris Wheel, and since Kyle is prepared to meet her death through hyperventilation, she shares with Erika the awkward hike she had with Harry. And the story grows! Apparently, Kyle was not the mere innocent on the receiving end of Harry’s post-reunion vitriol! After Harry told her to control KimKillah of Blue Bunnyville, Kyle demanded Harry control his wife. Erika agrees Kyle needs to confront Lipsa but warns her to tread lightly – after all, Erika knows that Dorit is also planning to vent her frustrations over Lipsa’s poisonous accusations!

RHOBH Ferris wheel

Just when I’m thinking they’re all going to be screaming at each other while precariously rocking back and forth 100,000 feet above the Vegas skyline, and I’m wondering why they all wore cocktail attire to be surreptitiously plunged to their deaths, it’s revealed that this Ferris Wheel is actually a giant glass room complete with a bar and lounge. So no one is gonna go overboard, except with the vodka. Although HOW FUNNY would it be if one of them fell off, like Goldie Hawn from Overboard, lost their senses and came-to in one of those trailer parks on the outskirts of Vegas wearing a Walmart T-shirt with Tweety Bird on it? Lipsa could go back to her roots!

Dorit COnfronts Lisa Rinna

Kyle was all prepped to go in for the kill with Lipsa, when Dorit bested her for the first round. It was probably better, because just as Kyle was all panicky and hyped-up over the dreadful Ferris Wheel, only to realize she’d over-reacted, the same thing happened when she told Lipsa about the hike. Instead, she was forced to sit on the sidelines and anxiously watch Dorit and Lipsa’s fight.

Dorit Kemsley

Lipsa tried to claim PK had said enough horrid things about her to justify her accusation about coke in Dorit’s bathroom, but that was ridiculous. Miss Own It had some problems owning it, didn’t she. In truth, everything happened so long ago, no one could remember what they were even fighting about. Thankfully Lipsa ate crow and pretty much begged Dorit to give her another chance, which Dorit happily accepted, and all was good. I was more interested in how Dorit’s boobs looked air born, like they were floating above the surface of her body on their own accord.

As a happy Dorit and Lipsa return to the group, Kyle refuses to miss her opportunity. Cause that hike scarred her! It was really traumatic and she needs closure! Kyle needs everyone to hear about the horrible things that Harry did! Yes, we’re back to #WhatHarryDid.

Kyle Confronts Lisa Rinna

As Kyle begins her tale, Lipsa plops down on the banquet and shrugs that she already knows – of course she does – and apologizes for Harry’s comments. It was a shockingly adult reaction. Perhaps this is the New Lisa?

After everyone survived the Ferris Wheel, Erika observed that things are going too well for comfort. So naturally over drinks, she has to stir things up with Teddi incidentally over father-daughter relationships. Erika seems to have some, I dunno, resentment or issue with Teddi’s dad being famous?

Erika Girardi & The Ice Dildo

It started like it always does, with ice dildos. More specifically, giant cylinders of ice Erika yanked from her cocktail, fondled like a wiener, and then, taking advantage of her new friendship with Dorit, shoved down Dorit’s top. Frankly, I’d expect the self-described ice queen to prefer diamond dildos, but maybe she saves those for Tom?

When Teddi is describing how her childhood was completely normal, despite her dad, Erika caustically took offense to Teddi trying to be “defined” by her parents. I guess Erika was feeling comfy-cozy after her encounter with the big block of ice, and decided that was the moment to start thawing to the other women by confessing that her father walked out on her at 9 months and she didn’t meet him until she was 25. Erika denies that this was painful and she insists it had nothing to do with her marrying a much-older man. She’s just totally fine, guys!

Teddi Mellencamp is unsettled by Erika

Teddi is unsettled by Erika’s “too cool” act, and this makes Teddi feel like she has to prove herself. Instead she should make Erika accountable for all her nonsense – cause no one believes what Erika is selling, but it certainly did the job of her nabbing all the daddy issues attention for herself!

The next morning, Teddi confides to Dorit that Erika makes her feel like she’s trying too hard and puts her on her guard. And not just because, once again, Teddi’s shorts are Pat The Puss short! Dorit knows these feelings all too well – after all, it took her an entire year to get inside Erika’s panties veneer and achieve “normal acquaintanceship.”


[Photo Credits: Bravo]