I’m having a total about face when it comes to Dorit Kemsley. Actually, given Dorit’s confusing hair and wardrobe this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, I’d say she’s having a total about face about her own self! Something seems very off with her, and she’s driving everything to hell in a designer handbag!
Dorit lives in a fake prosperous world where she is your fun, eccentric friend doing zany but delightful things. The kind of friend who cosplays Erika Girardi (not Jayne!) and has NO idea how insanely insane she comes across. I think that instead I’ll just focus on Ken gently placing a newborn dog inside his shirt, kangaroo pouch-style, and softly holding it there until the puppy dozed off. It belongs on an Anne Geddes calendar, or in one of Lisa Rinna‘s bubbles of white light, because it was perfection.
The episode’s drama culminated, again, around later-gator-gate. To soothe all the wrinkled brows about what time the clock said and who made what plans, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave hosted a Glam Circle party complete with laser treatments and massages. It sounds lovely to me, but Glam Circle turned into a Slam Circle courtesy of Dorit’s BS. We’ll get to all that a bit later, gators.
Lisa Vanderpump is training for the Olympics of Sass-Talking, which should be a pageant of women in glamorous outfits just roasting each other and playing pranks. I think LVP should actually start throwing these events! LVP practiced, as always, on Kyle Richards and Lisa Rinna, and she had one fluffed and the other stuffed. LVP forced Kyle to bathe her own dog at Vanderpump Dogs when Kyle hasn’t done manual labor since she hauled Kim from the property of their Palm Desert house. Later LVP promised to help Lipsa sew all her lips shut. Dr. Vanderpump, at your… next American Horror Story Asylum?
Lisa needs a distraction from her lawsuit. She worries about the emotional toll it’s taking on Ken, who is really hurt by the way everything went down. A woman is suing them for breach of contract after they invested $40k in her rescue organization, then backed out. And Ken COULD have invested that money in cloning Jiggy! I wonder if they asked for their funds back, then she sued? Lisa is being open about it (for her) – if only to publicly portray them in an innocent light – but Lipsa is wondering what the REAL pooper-scoop is. She’s just innocently inquiring, though – no harm, no shade! And no tea, either, right?!
Let’s just say Lipsa does not want to put LVP and her little dogs too in a white light bubble!
Yes, Lipsa is also embarking upon a new venture. I mean another one besides momager. She has fabricated new-age mysticism for keeping your children protected from harm, boys, and too much screen time: white light bubbles. Lipsa has envisioned these around Delilah and Amelia and now is confident no bad stuff will come their way. No excess calories they cannot metabolize quickly. Bad men will just bounce right off the bubbles, sumo-style! No forgetting their underwear with a short dress. No blowing off their NYU classes to hang out in NYC shopping.
Harry, eyeing Lipsa warily over his newest script, suggests she approach QVC with her exciting new opportunity. She could add them to her fashion line: Giant polyurethane bubbles. With sequins. You know, I think with today’s helicopter parents, Lipsa could be onto something.
Meanwhile, Dorit is running around town looking like an extra from The Breakfast Club. I just do not get this 80’s club kid look she’s going for — until I see her side-by-side with Erika. Last year Dorit had some great looks, but this season she’s constantly wearing t-shirts tucked into high-waisted sweatpants with really aggressively bobbed, center-parted hair. It does her no favors. That’s a theme with Dorit, though – doing herself no favors.
Dorit’s children don’t need bubbles, they have nannies. One nanny, two nanny, three nanny, four. Nanny for breakfast, nanny for lunch, nanny for doing things not nice. Green nannies, red nannies, yellow nannies too, I’ve got a nanny just for looking at you!
This gives Dorit time to conduct her busy life of shopping for $3 million dollar cars with Erika, going to gossipy lunches in ludicrous outfits but blowing off less
important fun acquaintances for drinks, and throwing PeeeeKaaaay a Casino Royale-themed 50th birthday party on a yacht. Cause if ANYONE screams ‘black tie’ it’s PeeeeeKay (more like garbage bag tie).
Dorit invites Erika to test drive some $3 million-dollar car called Pagani under the auspice that it’s a potential birthday gift for PeeeeKaaay. Dorit has no intention of buying this car, she’s there simply to advertise the dealership, which is owned by a friend of PK’s. Dorit can no more afford a $3M car than she can handle her liquor. I kept waiting for Diko from RHOC to pop up.
This nonsense car is the total encapsulation of
who PeeeeeeKaaaay wishes he was VERY RICH mid-life crisis combined with penis envy. So, naturally, Dorit wore a t-shirt proclaiming, “We Should All Be Feminists.” To fantasize about how her metaphorical ‘d-ck’ got hard while driving and spending her husband’s money? She also wore a choker, which seemed like the true message piece. It’s probably not feminist to harshly judge the behavior of other feminists, but I am also a Housewives recapper. Conundrum!
Erika went along for this venture. It was actually Erika’s d-ck that got hard, not Dorit’s. I mean, I just hate expressions like that. Don’t covet the penis or you’ll wind up being electrocuted by one of Lipsa’s bubbles!
Dorit and Erika are friends now and they do have fun together. Plus Erika needed a break from playing Mrs. Girardi to the wailing Tom who has turned into a big baby since his broken ankle. Just to be clear, Erika “loves” having Mr. Girardi home, but mommy got a nanny and needs to get laid by fast automobiles. Or something. I hate myself.
Teddi may not like the girly things in life, but she does enjoy making her skin look eternally young, so she hosted a “glam circle” party. It was a cute idea… if you are not a Real Housewife. It even included crafting with terrariums and a low-key bar. After all the drama with ‘Lately-gately, no one came but everyone talked,’ Teddi asked Dorit to come over a bit early so they could hash out what went wrong. Surprise, surprise – Dorit was ON TIME.
Teddi isn’t mad about Dorit’s tardiness, but she is mad that Dorit A) lied about how tardy she was, and B) talked shit about her to Kyle. Dorit denies everything, then insists that she has the right to complain about her friends to other friends, because that’s how she processes things. However, this is a pattern with Dorit; she does something rude or heinous and then makes it MORE egregious by spreading it around to everyone, then claiming no recollection of what was said to whom and feigning innocence. But Teddi is a little thing called an ‘accountability coach’!
After Teddi calls Dorit out for involving Kyle in their drama, Dorit responds by insisting Teddi did the same thing when she also talked about it to Kyle and the then yet unnamed Camille Grammer. Except Teddi’s point was that she WOULDN’T have talked about it (allegedly) if Dorit hadn’t told Kyle first, thus making Teddi need to defend herself. The real kicker is that Teddi also mentioned that the other person she told also has a bone(r) to pick with Dorit. Hmmm… who could that be, Camille?
Teddi was full of crap when she said she didn’t care that Dorit was late. No one who ‘doesn’t care’ knows down to the minute (36 minutes here; 54 minutes there; ) how late someone was. Just as a person who doesn’t realize they are being super late doesn’t clock time either (6 minutes, 18 minutes). Instead of apologizing, or trying to discuss the communication breakdown, Dorit blamed Teddi for twisting the meeting time around to make her “look like the villain.” Except, well, Dorit IS the bad guy here. At one point Dorit actually barks, “Don’t be ridiculous, Teddi!” Which is always good for making a friend believe you care about her feelings.
What is “ridiculous” is for Dorit to be so angry at Teddi! All Teddi did was LEAVE after she’d been waiting almost an hour for Dorit’s trifling ‘international swimwear meeting.’ Dorit is the one who was late, then started trying to do pre-emptive damage control by lying about the arranged meeting time and gossiping to Kyle to make Teddi look crazy! Maybe Teddi is crazy, but right now she’s looking like the sane one.
Then Dorit makes it worse. Teddi’s bartender served Dorit’s rose in a champagne boat (which Dorit kept calling a “flute” – YOU’RE WRONG Ms. PERFECT). Citing her OCD, Dorit complained on and on about how she couldn’t possibly drink from the wrong glass. Dorit actually insisted the bartender re-pour her drink into a proper wine glass. This was after Dorit and Teddi’s tense ‘conversation,’ BTW. Dorit even continued to whine about the glass to Lipsa. Then pretty much turning her back on Teddi to third-wheel her out of the convo, Dorit proceeded to describe every detail of PeeeeKay’s impending birthday party. Even worse – Dorit informs Teddi she has no intention of getting any treatments because she doesn’t trust ‘Teddi’s people’ with her precious face. Does Dorit have Tourette Syndrome in addition to her self-diagnosed OCD?
Lipsa doesn’t care about glasses. She actually prefers her glass to be a a Starbucks cup full of tea. But careful – heavy cream will curdle it!
By the time Kyle arrives, wearing OMG a bright yellow kaftan-jumpsuit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Lipsa is plotting how to smuggle a Xanax into Dorit’s properly glassed wine, cause the woman is intense and on a rampage. True to form, Dorit immediately drags Kyle back into the drama with Teddi to ‘clarify’ a time based on something Teddi accused her of. This time, not only did Dorit twist what Teddi said, but also twisted what Kyle said! Kyle just wants a massage. She will say anything to shut these two harridans up, but she winds up defending Teddi’s version of events, then scampers away in her pantaloons to the safety of LVP mercilessly teasing Lipsa. Safety in sane numbers!
Dorit and Teddi agree to ‘end’ the most ridiculous argument Dorit claims to have ever had, but these two DEFINITELY aren’t done keeping score! After all, Teddi is an accountability coach, and Dorit well, she is living with OCD in the Dorit Time Zone. Of course the real kick in Kyle’s pants is when Camille shows up, and as LVP hisses that Dorit must apologize for calling her a C-U-Next-Tuesday and naming their as-yet-to-be-conceived third child Strap-On Cammie.
While Camille is preparing for her facial, Dorit walks over in her strange t-shirt outfit, hovers awkwardly (and frankly a bit creepily) over her to apologize. Was she nervous? Camille just smiles beatifically, the portrait of a composed madonna all gently sheathed in pleasing floral, while Dorit, aggressively clad in leather, rambles. I love Camille – she plays all these women to perfection.
Dorit was so drunk at Kyle’s dinner party she doesn’t remember all the heinous things she said, but Camille is fine with that – it gives her the upper hand! She accepts Dorit’s apology and accompanying hug, then crosses her off the dinner party list … until she’s hosting one Allison DuBois!
Poor Teddi – that party was a bust. I blame Dorit’s bad energy, which even the healing crystals from the terrarium farm couldn’t bring down to sane. And Lipsa certainly wasn’t gonna waste any of her light bubbles by giving them away for free!
You know, the interesting thing is, Teddi grew up wealthy and famously connected, but doesn’t care about that world at all. Dorit, on the contrast, grew up well in an alien colony with strange accented creatures that have laser-beam eyes and skewed fashion vision. She is desperate to acclimate with humans and cares only about presenting the image of fabulously wealthy and connected. These two are never gonna get-on, as the pseudo-Brits say!
TELL US – TEAM TEDDI OR TEAM DORIT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]