Last night was a good episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. There was no particular reason – it wasn’t filled to the brim with drama, but it showcased the women in their elements and was filled with some real moments like Kyle Richards ultimate friendship faux pas. Excitingly we also got a lot of background information on Lisa Vanderpump, plus Dorit Kemsley almost overdosed (kinda, sorta) on flu medication which was hilariously so Dorit. (Yes, I’m a sadist). However the big exciting news was their trip to Berlin.
Unfortunately there is more bad news for Lisa and Ken. Days after losing Pink Dog unexpectedly, Pikachu passed away. Now Lisa is worried for the fate of all her dogs. She looks them over, this mountain of fluffery and docility, she decides each needs to be installed with a tracking device and cloned straight away. It’s what Nanny Kay would recommend after all! And she was a woman of sense; a medic during WWII who survived The Blitz, and then, in her elder years, moved with Lisa and Ken to LA when they opened their first restaurant there – a PIZZA JOINT in the Sherman Oaks Mall. So, Lisa did live in The Valley?
Installing a tracking device is also what Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave needs to do to ensure Edwin maintains her schedule.
Kyle is in the throes of moving but insists on packing up all the tacky clutter herself because she doesn’t trust movers, which makes me wonder what is she hiding in those boxes – Kingsley? Hilariously, even to pack, Kyle wears a big voluminous kaftan shirt – made of velvet. When her dog steals a roll of the tape, Kyle goes chasing after him with this witchy cape trailing behind her. She winds up in Portia’s room where I am gobsmacked by the sheer amount of stuff this little girl owns. Housewives: they’re just like us!
After turning into a possessed trophy wife befitting of American Horror Story, Erika Girardi is trying to reinvent herself as a kinder, gentler, more human person so she has Dorit and Lisa Rinna over for cookies. Nice people serve cookies to women who don’t eat cookies, obviously. Dorit wore one of PK’s shirts but forgot her pants. Maybe she wants to give Tom G the opportunity to accidentally spot her puss by seeing up her skirt? It’s only fair, after all!
The purpose of this afternoon is for Erika to unveil her avatar in the Kim Kardashian Hollywood App. In LA, if you are a person with dubious career distinction, this is tantamount to winning an Oscar. However a cartoon cardboard cut-out is the perfect way to depict Erika in her most real form. Because this person who laughs off Lipsa’s comment about how men can be 50 and marry 25-year-olds while women are considered washed up at 40 – who is THAT Erika? Meaning, what personality from the dead is inhabiting her? In other news, unsurprisingly Cindy Crawford has a better psychic than Kyle.
Also unsurprising: Erika’s so-called “business” in Berlin was moved to LA, but since she invited all the ladies they’re still going on the trip anyway.
Dorit is working on her swimwear line 23/7. Or she should be working that much considering she has a fashion show just weeks away, but instead she’s going on vacation. It doesn’t really seem like they need her, though, because someone else is designing, producing, meeting with suppliers, and creating the branding for this thing while Dorit plays Color By Numbers with some paper dolls in bikinis. Seriously the only thing we’ve seen her do for this collection is waltz into “the office” (aka the designer’s office) complaining about how much work she has to do then making little notes on these coloring book pages of headless bodies in bikinis. This is very, very VERY hard work for Dorit. She’s sooo over-worked she falls ill with the flu. Obviously she needs a vacation.
Teddi is nervous for Berlin because she has unresolved issues with both Erika and Dorit, but also she doesn’t trust Edwin to use the schedule she carefully diagrammed, color-coded, foot-noted, and painstakingly revised, then laminated which explains all of her toddler’s activities. Teddi and her phantom hands (seriously those things have a life of their own!) actually worked harder making her kids’ schedules than Dorit has worked on her swimwear collection – so how dare Edwin accuse her not having a job! Well, accountability coach is basically glorified nag. But at least these two laugh it off and seem to have a genuinely happy marriage.
The rest of the women prepare for Berlin by obsessively cataloging their wardrobe, strategizing with their glam squads, and filing enormous trunks with latex. NOT the kind of latex you might think – that’s just Erika’s wardrobe. She’s an ‘expert’ on Berlin fashion – (the scene there is very ‘garbage bags put on with lube and baby powder’). Thank goodness Erika can guide us, otherwise Kyle might wear kaftans! And Teddi predicts she’ll be the worst dressed – girl definitely doesn’t have psychic powers like Erika.
Lisa cannot dwell on Pikachu’s passing, because she is premiering the Stop Yulin Forever documentary at the LA Awareness Film Festival. Lisa and Ken channel their tears into the horrific images playing out the screen before them. That seems like a very British way to mourn if PBS Masterpiece Theater teaches me anything.
All the women attend, if only because they relish a rare reason to eat candy and popcorn. However Lisa and Ken’s documentary is important and amazing and they are all devastated by what they’re seeing. They had to emotionally eat! As atrocious as that was to witness, it was necessary. I hope this gets national airplay. And why isn’t BRAVO screening this – Andy Cohen is a dog lover!
Afterwards everyone meets for drinks, and the horrific images have stunned them into behaving. Even Teddi and Dorit find themselves laughing over a shared joke, so Teddi takes the opportunity to apologize again for stirring up drama because she just wants to have fun together. She does so briefly and without excuse. Dorit does NOT feel the need to apologize in return, of course, but she does accept and they agree – again – to move on. Do they mean it this time?
Perhaps reflecting on the good fortunes that none of their husbands are eating abused dogs to increase virility (nor being serviced by Erika Jayne), even Erika is solicitous towards Teddi. She’s planned a horse ride through Berlin and she begs for Teddi’s help in making sure she rides an “old hag.” LVP’s eyes sparkle as she jokes that certainly Erika has a type. ZING! As does Lisa – fluffy and white. (I LOVE KEN do not sic any attack Pomeranians on me).
So with Dorit barely alive they’re off to Berlin. No one speaks any German – Lipsa sounds like she’s speaking Amish Yoder language. I think Kyle was yodeling. At least Dorit knows how to order a beer. Priorities! For LVP this trip has more significance because Nanny Kay was in Berlin during the war. I want to read a biography of Lisa’s grandmother! She sounds exciting and fascinating. It turns out Kyle also needs to be a little more informed.
Dorit spends the entire plane ride retching her brains out until she’s forced to resort to Lipsa’s baggy of pills for anti-nausea. Or at least that’s what Lipsa claims she gave her… Suddenly, Lipsa’s pilled preparedness no longer means she’s a druggie. Instead she’s just a pill. Well, that’s a compliment, I suppose…
Dorit tells the hotel doctor she’s taking antibiotics along with TWO types of flu meds. And he looks at her like she’s braindead because those meds should not be combined. That, plus the drinking on the plane caused the puking. This means the first night out in Berlin is Dorit-Free!
While Dorit sleeps it off, the other women get drinks while waiting for Erika to unpack Mikey from her suitcase like he’s Flat Stanley, have the hotel iron and steam him out, lube herself into character, then make a dinner party reservation for the following night.
This gives LVP opportunity to grill Lipsa about why she’s so distant and checked out this season? It’s a tacit accusation that Lipsa is not pulling her weight in the drama department. Maybe because for the last THREE SEASONS she’s pulled everyone’s weight? This new, zen Lipsa has to be a good example to her daughters (RINNAVATION!) and doesn’t want to engage in petty squabbles. Do we think this is sincere? Maybe this year she really is on Xanax?!
Later LVP is talking about how she doesn’t sleep naked since the ’94 earthquake when she had to run outside in a sheet, spotted by Nanny Kay who was living with them at the time. Prompting Kyle to wonder, “Who’s Nanny Kay?” Even Erika, a casual
stalker observer of LVP’s life, knows who Nanny Kay is – and also about Lisa’s past as a Mall Rat. It’s because Erika (always eager to compile dirt on people?) listens when others they talk, while Kyle is always talking about herself, thinking about herself, and feeling like no one cares about Kyle enough.
As Kyle furiously backpedals, claiming pretend amnesia, she keeps referring to Nanny Kay as an “influential person.” But damage done – Lisa is now wondering what kind of a best friend Kyle really is? I bet Dorit knows who Nanny Kay is… I bet by the time LVP is done with Kyle, she’ll have a statue erected to Nanny Kay on the front lawn of her new mansion!
Well that’s all for today. I got my period and now I need to disappear from life and go stay in a hotel. Me and my double personalities will be at The Doubletree downtown. Auf Wiedersehen!
TELL US – DID KYLE REALLY NOT KNOW WHO NANNY KAY IS? IS LISA RINNA “CHECKED OUT”?
[Photo Credits: bravo]